Family Weekend

We just returned from Madison, where we spent the weekend with my mom and brother. Since there was no funeral service for my grandma in Michigan, I felt that it was important to be with family. Although it was a lot of driving for one weekend, it was a good choice.

Mom and I went through drawers of photos and found some incredible pictures of my grandparents. I'm working on a special project to commemorate their lives. I'm so excited to see the finished product.

Pictured here: Liliana entertains cousin Clayton and Grammy Joy with her favorite game, "Where's Liliana?"

Blessings, Ramona

Family Matters

THE JORDAN FAMILY















Here is our largest family gathering at Grandma's house (Gram is in the middle of the group, wearing pink).

Every year of my life, minus one, I have spent the Christmas holiday at Gramcracker's house. All of my aunts, uncles, cousins, and our immediate family gather on Christmas eve for a giving game at Aunt Jules' house. Then, early Christmas morning, Mom, my siblings and I open our stockings at Grams before the crowd arrives for Mary's goodies, gift opening, and Turkey & fixins.

I don't know what will happen this Christmas. It won't be the same without Gram. And because she did not wish to have a viewing or a funeral service, we are all left to grieve separately, and in our own way. It is my hope that the family comes together to celebrate Gram's life in the near future. Even if she didn't want any "fuss," we need to do something to collectively remember her--to facilitate a healthy grief process and closure--for our own hearts.

Praying for strength, healing and family time during this time of loss. ~Ramona

Remembering Gramcracker

When I was little, Grandma told vivid tales about gnomes, elves and fairies that lived on Jordan Lane. I believed every word. I was constantly on the lookout for the flutter of a wing or a flash of a little red hat. I don't know when I stopped believing the stories, but I certainly never grew tired of hearing them.

Gram was a talented artist. She often sketched elaborate pictures of wildlife and English gardens on the envelopes of her letters. I was always careful to preserve the scenes while opening their contents. I treasured her correspondence. In fact, several of her cards and letters are lying in my lap as I write.

Grandma loved to sing the classics. Alice Blue Gown. Cottage for Sale. When I learned that she recorded an album, I persuaded her to let me listen. Upon realizing how much I loved her voice, she gave me a copy. As soon as word got out, my "Barbara Jordan Collection" became the hottest commodity in the family. I made at least a dozen copies for aunts, uncles and cousins in the months that followed.

About fifteen years ago, I affectionately began calling her Gramcracker...and, much to my surprise, she embraced the silly nickname. From that point on, she signed her cards and notes with drawings of little half-eaten graham crackers. I addressed her cards in the same fashion, making sure that my pictures were worthy enough to grace her coffee table.

The first time Wade met Gramcracker, she was in one of her funny late-night moods. Somehow the topic of exercise came up, and she told us that she could put her foot behind her head. We knew she must be joking. After all, she was 80 years old. Before we could utter a word, Gram reached down and pulled her leg up in front of her, wrapped it around her neck and wiggled her foot. Oh, how we laughed at her antics that night!

On other occasions, we roared about a "Love Sotry" made in China, the traveling coconut, George Bush-in-the-Box, Randy's "Pig, Hog, Sow"and the barking and sniffing dog socks she gave me. Gram delighted applauding my funny fashion shows and telling me stories of days long ago.

A couple years ago, I stayed with Gramcracker for a few days. It was just the two of us in her lovely "cottage." We stayed up late chatting and eating giant bowls of ice cream. One evening, she shared pages and pages of her private poetry. We talked about her dreams, her heartbreaks and the loves of her life. I never felt so close to her as during those precious moments.

Gram was an original. She knew something about everything, and could take anyone in a game of Scrabble or Trivial Pursuit. She loved old movies, historical figures and God's creation. Gram was graceful, humble and truly beautiful. I will miss her dearly.

A little dream castle, with every dream gone
Is lonely and silent; the shades are all drawn
And my heart is heavy as I gaze upon
A cottage for sale.

The lawn we were proud of is waving in hay;
A beautiful garden has withered away
Where you planted roses, the weeds seem to say:
A cottage for sale.

From every single window, I see your face;
But when I reach the window, there’s empty space.
The key’s in the mailbox, the same as before
But no one is waiting for me anymore
The end of our story is there on the door:
A cottage for sale.

I love you, Gram. ~Ramona

Goodbye Gram

My Gramcracker passed away this evening. Even though we knew she was reaching the end of her life, I was not ready for this heartache. I guess we are never truly prepared for the profound sadness evoked by the death of our dearly beloved.

I adored my Gram, and I always desired to know her more deeply. We shared a passion for the arts, particularly writing, drawing and singing. She always taught me to appreciate nature and embrace creativity. Grandma was a unique, imaginative, talented and extremely intelligent woman.

Not only am I remembering and missing my Gram, but I am also reeling from a related experience. The evening has been surreal.

Just before I received the news, Liliana and I were enjoying our "Girls' night out" dinner. All of the sudden, my appetite vanished and my heart began beating irregularly. I put my hand on my chest and felt the palpitations through my shirt. I became lightheaded and woozy, as if I were going to faint. The next moment, my odd symptoms disappeared, leaving me with an unusual sensation. The episode was so strange that I intentionally checked my phone to observe the time--in case it should be important for some reason. About ten minutes later, Mom called and said, "Your grandma is watching over you now."

I don't know what happened just before that phone call, but it's like I felt her somehow. I'm not into the paranormal, but I don't believe in coincidence, either. I don't know exactly how to explain it, but I know there was a connection.

Pictured above~Four generations of Jordan girls: Liliana, Mona, Gram and Mom.

Bittersweet Days

I haven't said much about our upcoming Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET), because I've been trying to focus my thoughts on life's little joys instead of the daunting procedure ahead. With plenty of exciting activities on our calendar the past few weeks, it's been fairly easy to keep my mind occupied. But now I can't help but contemplate the road ahead. We're less than 72 hours away from my hospital visit, and the preparations are in full swing.

With the big event drawing near, my emotions have been running the spectrum. Although I am hopeful that the FET will lead to a pregnancy, I am also afraid of a negative outcome. Since this is our last assisted reproductive procedure, there is more riding on it than ever before. In addition, I am supposed to be stress free--both before and after the procedure. Apparently Murphy's Laws are in full effect, because our life has been anything but relaxing the past few days.

Liliana has been sick since Tuesday evening, and she has been miserable. Her coughing bouts were so severe last night that I was in her room every 15 minutes. No exaggeration. I tried bringing her into bed with me, but she had even more trouble sleeping in our room. We pray that tonight will be much better. Caring for a sick child is both emotionally and physically draining.

Even worse, my mom called me Thursday afternoon with the sad news that my Gramcracker is dying. It seems that she has no more desire to fight. According to the hospice nurse, Gram has less than a week to live. Mom is in Michigan with her right now, and things continue to go down hill. Please pray for my family as we try to celebrate her life while grieving her final days. Losing a loved one is difficult on so many levels.

On a positive note, Wade's parents have arrived in St. Louis. Once again, they have graciously accepted the role of caring for Liliana during my hospital stay and recuperation. What a blessing they have been throughout our fertility treatments!

Praying for healing, peace, sleep and babies. ~Ramona

A New Definition of Family

We just returned from Michigan. Amazingly, Gramcracker pulled through and is doing much better. Praise the Lord! She had all of us so concerned. Even her doctor thought she may have been in her last days. Although Gram isn't thrilled about her new residence at a nursing home, it seems to be the best option for her. Her injuries require months of physical therapy; her leg is severely broken AND neither of her arms is fully functional at this point (she had a stroke in one & the other is dislocated at the shoulder). She needs around-the-clock care to help recover to the point that she can return home.

It was difficult to see my Gram suffer so much. She has always been a pillar of grace and strength to me...and now she cannot even care for her basic needs. This independent woman is now completely dependent upon perfect strangers for every aspect of her care. It is my prayer that she will overcome her disappointment about being in a nursing home, muster up a strong will to survive and rise to the challenge that lies ahead of her.

As for our time with family, I couldn't have asked for more. I had wonderful opportunities to get to know family members on a personal level. Because I always lived relatively far away from my family (seven aunts & uncles and many cousins, most of whom grew up in Michigan), I always felt like somewhat of an outsider. Throughout my childhood, I saw my relatives once a year during Christmas--a situation that didn't exactly foster close relationships.

Over the past few days, I learned more about my family than in all of my 34 years, combined. I had real, honest conversations with aunts and cousins...and I gained great insight into the hearts and minds of people I've always longed to know. I now feel like I have meaningful relationships rather than distant relatives. And I have a true sense of belonging within my extended family. What an unexpected blessing!

As usual, Liliana was a terrific traveler and Wade was helpful beyond words. They had lots of daddy-daughter time, while I spent quality time with Gram and family. I appreciated Wade's willingness to take care of things behind the scenes so that I could have the time to do what I felt I needed to do. He is so thoughtful and generous. Thanks, honey!

Now it's back to life in St. Louie. I have lots of catching up to do, but I wouldn't trade a moment of my time in Michigan for an easier road here.

Here's to staying up 'til the wee hours of the night, talking about real issues and creating real relationships! Blessings, Ramona

My Gramcracker in the ICU

My mom called Friday, and the tone of her voice suggested that bad news was on its way. Sure enough, she informed me that my grandma was in the hospital. According to Mom, Gram broke her femur on Wednesday, and the injury required surgery and multiple pins to connect her frail bone. As if that weren't enough, Gram suffered a stroke while she was recovering in the hospital. Since then, she's been coming in and out of consciousness. At this point, the full extent of her condition is not clear. Things looked grim yesterday, so I packed my bags and headed for Michigan.

As of today, Gramcracker is in the ICU. I spent some time with her this morning, and the first thing she asked was, "How's that little darling?" Even in her fog, she though to ask about sweet Liliana. During my time with her, Gram appeared to be more alert and responsive. She's doing better today, but doctors are concerned about the possibility of blood clots. Her heartbeat has also shown irregularities, so the medical staff is also treating and monitoring her heart.

Please pray for my Gram--that she will heal quickly, regain full consciousness and cope well with the news of her impending nursing home stay. There is fear that she will lose hope and “let go” once she realizes she won’t be returning home. We are also praying for my mom and her siblings as they watch my grandma battle through these medical conditions. Yes, my mom quite the strong and independent woman, but it's not easy for anyone to see their parent in distress. Most of all, please pray that this crisis would strengthen family ties and lead my family members to a personal relationship with the Lord.

Here's to family--precious and dear. In Him, Ramona