The Saga Continues

Today I had an ultrasound to gain a clearer understanding of my situation. The sonogram showed no sign of fetal growth or development. Dr. Pineda explained that the baby's growth has come to an end, but the tissue surrounding it is continuing to grow and produce hormones (hence, my increasing HcG level). As a result, my body has been acting as if the pregnancy is moving forward, when in fact, it has concluded.

Dr. Pineda further explained that, in cases like mine, it is possible for the tissue to attach to my body in a malignant way. In fact, the growing mass could quickly transform into an aggressive cancer. Consequently, the doc strongly encouraged us to schedule an immediate D & C to remove the tissue. Since the ultrasound gave us certainty that the baby is not alive and growing, we now feel comfortable proceeding. The D & C is scheduled for tomorrow at St. Luke's Hospital.

Coincidentally, I started experiencing cramping, sharp pain and substantial bleeding an hour after we returned home from the doctor's office. The miscarriage is now in progress, and it's possible that the tissue will pass during the night. Because we must have the fetus analyzed for pathology, we are hoping that the major tissue holds off until tomorrow. We'd much rather have the doctor preserve it for testing (rather than collect & store it ourselves). After what we've already been through, I'd rather not go there. Either way, the D & C will still be necessary in order to ensure that everything is complete and thorough.

Wade and I are emotionally drained and in need of encouragement and support. We would especially appreciate your prayers. A special thanks to Stacy for caring for Liliana during our appointment and hospital stay. We are so grateful for family and friends who never cease to amaze us with their kindness and generosity.

Blessings to all. ~Ramona

In God's Hands

Okay, so it's been 17 days of waiting for a miscarriage. Although I thought it was happening on January 1st, the hormone surge, cramping and bleeding did not manifest into more. My symptoms stopped that evening and my pregnancy symptoms continued. Almost every day since then, I've felt "on the verge" with spotting or mild bleeding...but still no miscarriage.

To rewind: On Friday, December 21st, my ultrasound revealed that our embryo appeared to be 5 weeks development (instead of 6 weeks) and labs showed that my HcG level slowed way down (when it should have been doubling every 48-72 hours). Because of those results, Dr. Pineda informed us that the pregnancy was ending and a miscarriage was just around the corner.

So here I am, more than two weeks later, after a very frustrating and emotional period of waiting. This morning I contacted Dr. Pineda's office to alert him of my situation. After learning the details, he sent me to the lab for blood tests to confirm that the hormone levels dropped. They call it a "missed miscarriage," where the body somehow misses the signals for a miscarriage and a surgical procedure (D&C) is necessary to remove the remains of the pregnancy.

When the nurse called this afternoon, I was shocked and confused to learn that my HcG level doubled to over 1600 since the 12/21 test. Apparently, the fetus is still alive and trying to grow, despite discontinuing the progesterone treatments. Because the baby has only achieved 48-hours of development in the past 17 days, it is clear that something is very wrong. As a result, the pregnancy is not considered viable. The bottom line: I am still pregnant, but my child is fighting a losing battle for survival.

I have experienced the entire spectrum of emotions today. Although the doctor recommends an immediate D&C to remove the tissue and placenta, I do not feel comfortable with the procedure until the pregnancy has ended on its own. I know the baby is not healthy, and I know the pregnancy is not viable...but I cannot terminate the pregnancy. I plan to wait until an ultrasound or blood test confirm that the growth has completely stopped. I know that this is prolonging the inevitable...but I do not feel right about ending the pregnancy with medical means.

As you may imagine, it is extremely difficult and disheartening to carry a child that is abnormal, unhealthy and destined to die. But as long as he or she is alive, my child is in God's hands. And though I will never hold this precious one, I rest in the knowledge that the Lord with take him home soon. I pray that these final days will pass quickly so that we may close this chapter and move on with the healing process. We find comfort in the fact that God is in control, and we continue to trust in His perfect timing.

New Year's Day

I should have written this morning when I was counting my blessings and dancing around the house, singing "Happy New Year!" But a couple hours ago, I was quickly jolted into a downward emotional spiral--thanks to the raging hormones that accompany miscarriage.

This is not my best hour. I'm so sad and disappointed and frustrated, partly due to losing another child and partly due to the poor timing. After 11 days of looming, the unwelcome event happens on New Year's Day. Come on, no one wants to start the new year with a miscarriage.

Part of me feels like I should just minimize the grief of this whole thing and focus on the blessings in my life. After all, there are so many things for which I am thankful. But the counselor in me knows the importance of allowing myself to "go there"--to experience the emotions in order for healing and closure to occur. So I'm going there, and it's not fun.

I guess this is a poignant reminder that we should expect real life every day--that holidays are not exempt from the brokenness of the world. It is a reminder that we need God all of the time. Of course, I already knew these things, but now I'm painfully aware.

And as I sit here--writing, reading, editing and experiencing the ebb and flow of emotion--I notice glimmers of joy and hope trying to push through the sorrow. I feel the hand of God holding me close, assuring me that everything will be alright. And as difficult as it is to lose a ninth child, I trust that this plan is good and His timing is perfect.

Romans 8:18 says: I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.

Here's to future glory. ~Ramona

Bittersweet Holidays

We just finished the first leg of our Midwest Christmas tour. Our first stop was downtown Chicago, where we stayed at the Hotel Intercontinental. It was our family Christmas gift--what a treat! The next day, we met up with dear friends from college & grad school and explored the Shedd Aquarium. After a seeing the sea life and catching up with cronies, we headed up to Michigan for a family Christmas.

It has been a bittersweet holiday for us this year. While we greatly enjoy spending time with family, we are still adjusting to the news that our pregnancy has come to an end. Because the miscarriage has not occurred yet, it's difficult to find closure and move forward. To make things even more emotional, this was the first Christmas without my gramcracker (she passed away in August). We had a memorial for her Christmas morning, and yesterday I went to her home for the last time. It was very difficult to say good-bye.

I also had an opportunity to see my dad's side of the family. My grandma (our last living grandparent) isn't doing well, and she commented that she doesn't think she'll be around in a few months. That was hard to hear. In addition, my aunt gave me some items that belonged to my father, including an old version of his will. Talk about emotional!

On a more positive note, our adoption home study has been completed. As soon as it is approved by Bethany's supervisor, our profile will go up on the national BCS website. We are still the first family on the networking (waiting) list, so we'll move into the active matching program as soon as a spot opens up. We're praying that the process is smooth and quick, because our hearts are bursting to love another little one!

Thank you for your continued encouragement and prayers. We are so blessed to have such supportive friends. Happy Holidays! Ramona

The Lord Giveth and Taketh Away

Today we are grieving the loss of yet another child and preparing for a miscarriage in the midst of our Christmas plans. Yesterday's ultrasound revealed that the baby's development stopped somewhere around 5 1/2 weeks. Dr. Pineda requested lab tests to confirm what the sonogram images suggested, and we received the results at 9:30pm last night. Our tests showed that the HCG level only went up to 1332, instead of the desired 7200. As a result, the doc ordered that I discontinue my progesterone supplements to allow my body to recognize what has happened. Unfortunately, we should anticipate a miscarriage within the week.

Of course, we are deeply saddened by this turn of events. We hoped and prayed that this miraculous conception was a sign that we would know this precious child on earth. This is not how we had envisioned our holiday, but we know that God has a plan bigger and better than ours. And we are thankful that we had a brief opportunity to experience a pregnancy & the joy and anticipation that goes hand in hand.

We are ever grateful for your support, encouragement and intercession during this difficult time. We don't know what we would do without our family & friends...and our faith.

Peace with God brings the peace of God. It is a peace that settles our nerves, fills our mind, floods our spirit, and in the midst of the uproar around us, gives us the assurance that everything is alright. ~Bob Mumford

From our hearts to yours, have a blessed holiday weekend. ~Ramona

The Long Road

Over the past few years, friends have asked me exactly how infertility is defined. If you're like me, you hear the term and have a vague idea...but you don't consult WebMD or Dr. Koop until it becomes personal.

Here's what Webster says: in·fer·til·i·ty (ĭn'fər-tĭl'ĭ-tē) n. Absent or diminished fertility; the persistent inability to conceive a child. Although that's a pretty good start, the medical diagnosis is more precise. According to medical professionals, infertility is the failure of a couple to naturally conceive a pregnancy after trying to do so for at least one full year.

If you're wondering what the journey looks like, here are some numbers that may be helpful. Although everyone's road is different, our statistics look like this:

Months actively trying to conceive: 39
Natural cycles (no meds): 12
Cycles on Clomid: 12
Months on Clomid and injectibles: 2
Cycles on serious injectible medications: 6
IUI Cycles with injectible follicle stimulation meds: 4
IVF treatments: 1, going on 2
Months on post-ovulatory progesterone treatments: 29
Pregnancies: 4
Miscarriages: 3
Children at home: 1
Dollars invested in fertility treatments: A mind-blowing number.
Tears shed during infertility struggles: Countless.
Being a parent: Priceless.

Anxiously Waiting

It's been three weeks since our miscarriage, which means we should learn the results of our genetic testing any day now. I am anxious to have more information so that we may decide on a course of action and move forward. It has been very difficult to wait, because it feels like we're doing nothing to bring ourselves closer to having another child. In the realm of infertility, waiting is the hardest part. In my heart, though, I am certain that God fully intended for us to be still during the past weeks. We needed time to grieve, rest and regroup.

It's Valentine's Day. Remember to express your love to those you hold dear!

The remarkable truth is that our choices matter, not just to us and our own destiny but, amazingly, to God Himself and the universe He rules. Philip Yancey

Helpful Information about Miscarriage

I found this article a couple weeks ago, and found it to be a quite accurate description with appropriate advice. It wasn't copyrighted, but I'll add the credits when I find the site again. I thought it would be helpful for those who would like to understand what it's like for people who experience a miscarriage. It's a good follow-up to yesterday's post about my difficulty attending a baby shower. Here goes:

The death of an unborn baby is a unique loss that involves unique grief. After a miscarriage, many women describe a great sense of emptiness. Ultrasound pictures may be the only tangible evidence that you have to document that you “really were pregnant.”

Because technology today allows women to know very early on when they are pregnant, the bonding process starts early. Dreams and fantasizes begin as you imagine your life with a baby. Yet with a miscarriage, there is often nothing tangible to grieve. It is an invisible loss.

You may dream and fantasize about being pregnant for weeks after the loss. Anger and depression are common, and questions such as, "Why me?" may surface. It is common to want answers even though none may exist. Anger may be directed at the doctor, feeling that he or she could have done more or at least have been more concerned.

Guilt is one of the most common post-miscarriage feelings. You may wonder if something you did caused the event. Many women ask, "Did I exercise too much?” or, “What did I eat that might have caused this?" In truth, such factors are rarely, if ever, the cause of a miscarriage.

When you have had a miscarriage you need to grieve several things: the baby, the pregnancy and your hopes and dreams about how this pregnancy would have changed your life. This is particularly hard to do when the loss occurs early in the pregnancy. There may have been few physical changes, and only a few family members or friends aware that you were pregnant. If the loss occurred later in a pregnancy, you may have something tangible to help you grieve, such as ultrasound pictures and celebration cards or you may have felt the baby move.

Grief takes time; it peaks and fades. Certain events can trigger its intensity such as going back to work, getting your period, making love again, and anniversaries of the miscarriage and birth date. Often grief is triggered by holidays such as Mother’s Day or Father’s Day or when a friend gives birth.

Grief has several stages. The initial feelings are usually shock and denial followed by the feelings of being out of control and very vulnerable, including thoughts about your own death and how short life is. Anger, irritability and mood swings are very normal. Sadness, loneliness and emptiness may be intense, and depression is not uncommon. Feelings about other losses may resurface. If these feelings impact your sleeping, eating, working and ability to cope everyday, seeing a therapist is important and helpful.

Men and women often react differently to the trauma of a miscarriage. Many men feel they must be strong and protect their wives from their own feelings of loss and sadness. Others are more concerned about the medical and emotional health of their wife and spend much of their energy trying to “make it better.” Society tends to reinforce this; often others only ask how the woman is doing, not the expectant father. In most cases it helps if a man can show his sadness to his partner.

It will not make her feel worse and will lessen any sense of isolation or feelings that this was more important to her than to him. If a husband avoids the topic the wife may feel that he is emotionally abandoning her. Remember that you may each react in individual ways; one may be actively grieving while the other gives support and later the roles may reverse. Talk about what is the hardest part for each of you, and tell your partner what they can do to help you through this difficult time. Grief is a lonely and individual experience, but you can support and not judge each other as you navigate the waves of sadness, anger and vulnerability of grief.

Talking about how to memorialize the loss of your baby and pregnancy can be helpful. Suggestions from other couples include: plant a shrub or tree; place a special stone in your garden; write a poem or share your written thoughts; buy a piece of jewelry with the baby’s birthstone; or make a donation in acknowledgment of the loss.

Following a miscarriage, you may be surprised at how envious and jealous you are of woman who are pregnant or who are parenting. You may feel like a bad person when these feelings erupt but you need to understand that this is a common response following a pregnancy loss. You will not always feel this way, but for a time you may need to protect yourself from situations that increase your pain or envy.

Family and friends often will unknowingly say all the wrong things to a couple who has recently lost a pregnancy. Society has no rituals to address this kind of loss or to acknowledge the couple's grief. With an early miscarriage they may have been unaware that you were pregnant and may just focus on that. If you have another child at home they may say you are lucky to have at least one. Others may say it was nature’s way of preventing a child with defects from being born. They may tell you were lucky to get pregnant and after a certain amount of time expect you to “get over it.”

None of these responses are comforting when you have lost a longed-for child. Often people are embarrassed and don’t know how to address others’ feelings of sadness. They may feel uncomfortable talking about intimate feelings or it may set off some personal feelings of loss. It is important you select people to talk with who will be supportive and understanding. If people say unhelpful things, be direct and say, “We lost a baby and we need you to understand how awful this is for us.”

If you have other children, this can be a confusing and frightening time for them. If you were hospitalized it is important to reassure them that are better now, and if they see you emotional tell them that it is because you are sad. Young children need to be reassured that you love and treasure them. If they are old enough to know that you were pregnant, they need to be told that the baby will not be coming. Your explanations will be different depending on their ages, to meet their level of understanding.

Just as it took time to adjust to the idea of being pregnant, it may take time to adjust to the non-pregnant state. There is a tendency for people to feel that they must get on with life and not focus on sad events and feelings. But, in truth, grieving is a process and healing is a process; with them, emotions ebb and flow. On some days or weeks you may feel fine; on others, you may feel sad and depressed. Allow yourself to go through the various stages, and surround yourself with supportive and encouraging people.

Your miscarriage may cause you to wonder if and when you will ever be able to have a child. The answer to this question may cause completely new sorrow and a life-long grief process. Seek the wisdom of medical professionals to learn your options, and consider counseling to help you through the decision-making process. Just remember: you are not alone. There are many support networks available online and in your community.

More Doctor Visits

Just after recovering from a mean upper respiratory infection, Liliana is now suffering from an ear infection. The first available MD appointment is today at 1:45pm--right in the middle of nap time (thank you, Murphy's Law). My sweet baby was crying all morning and clinging to Mommy. (Of course, I don't mind the clinging and cuddling one bit!) In an attempt to temporarily numb the ear pain, I used a few drops of Similason, a homeopathic ear drop. Liliana has seemed more comfortable ever since. Hopefully it will last until the visit with Dr. Graham.

My post-operation examination is tomorrow. It's hard to believe two weeks has elapsed since my miscarriage. I'm glad to be seeing Dr. Pineda tomorrow. I'm still bleeding and experiencing some discomfort, so it will be good to make sure that all is well. We won't know anything about the genetics testing for another week or two.

Thank the Lord, I'm pretty even-tempered this morning. I've been so focused on Liliana's needs that I haven't had an opportunity to think about anything else. It's nice to step off of the emotional rollercoaster for a few hours!

Hope your Tuesday is just dandy!

Broken, but Not Beaten

Yesterday was very trying, both physically and emotionally. We spent the majority of our day at St. Luke's Hospital. Wade and I had our blood drawn for genetic testing, and the fetal tissue was sent to a lab for evaluation. According to Dr. Pineda, the D & C procedure was performed without complication. However, the evening was filled with countless tears and debilitatingly painful after-effects of the procedure.

Last night, I was physically exhausted, ultra emotional and suffering from so much cramping and pain that I couldn't function. After a 600mg dose of ibuprofen and 1000mg of acetaminophen, I asked Wade to call the on-call MD for something more potent. At 11:00 pm, just when the pain was unbearable, Wade returned from Walgreens with Tylenol plus Codeine. Although it helped with the pain, something in the medicine prevented me from sleeping. So here I am at 2:30pm-- awake and writing--thanks my long-lost friend, Diet Wild Cherry Pepsi. I guess you could say that caffeine is my consolation prize for having to endure this trial...that, and no more bruised and battered behind from progesterone shots.

On a positive note, we have been so encouraged by our family and friends during that past couple of days. So many of you have called, emailed, prayed, sent cards and commented on the blog. From the bottom of my heart, thank you! Special thanks to Bill and Mary (Wade's parents) for treating us to McAlister's after we found out about our miscarriage. A huge thank you to our life-saving friend and neighbor, Stacy, for taking time away from work to care for Liliana while we were at the hospital. Our appreciation to our oh-so-thoughtful friend, Kelly, for providing a delicious meal for us last night. For those of you I'm forgetting, there will certainly be more thanks to come.

It is so beautiful to feel lifted up by the ones we love in our greatest time of need. Thank you! Our prayer today is that you may know how grateful we are for your continued outpouring of love.

In God's unfailing grace, Ramona

In the Valley

For several months now, I have felt a strong spiritual call to share my journey...primarily so that others may see the grace and glory of God in my life. It was for that reason I created this blog. I must admit that the entire process has been challenging, mainly because being so open and transparent does not come naturally for me. I have found that one takes many risks in making her life an open book, and there is a great deal of consideration that must go into each entry. Despite the difficult aspects, however, sharing my life with you has been therapeutic and rewarding beyond my expectations. Thank you for your support and encouragement.

It is with an especially heavy heart that write today. Our pregnancy has come to an end, and Wade and I are mourning the loss of yet another child. Today should have marked my 7th week of pregnancy, but this morning's ultrasound showed that our baby's development stopped at 5 weeks, 6 days. The previous ultrasound was accurate, and today's scan was confirmation.

Because this is our third miscarriage, Dr. Pineda urged us to proceed with genetic testing for ourselves and the fetus. I am scheduled for a suction dilation and curettage (D&C) tomorrow at St. Luke's. The tissue will be removed and sent to a lab for testing. Hopefully we will learn the cause of this loss and know if there is a genetic component that is at the root the miscarriages.

Losing a child is painful beyond description. I am filled with great sadness and disappointment, accompanied by a profound longing. I feel guilt, shame and a sense that I am somehow less of a woman because I have so much difficulty conceiving and carrying a child. It is distressing to realize that I have been pregnant four times, and I have just one child.

And even while my heart is aching, I understand that this is the refining fire that builds our character and gives us strength. I know that many unexpected blessings will result from this trial.

My life is already so richly blessed. I have been entrusted with a beautiful daughter, and I am fortunate enough to experience the gift of motherhood each and every day. I am married to my best friend, a supportive and loving man who is by my side every moment. And I am blessed with a terrific family and encouraging friends. There are so many reasons for me to be grateful.

Also, I know in my heart that this is God's plan for us. God is good and His timing is always perfect. He knew the deepest desires of our hearts and heard many prayers on our behalf; yet, He still allowed this to happen. Therefore, I know this was meant to be...and I give thanks to the God who gives and takes away. Further, I am certain that the Lord has something absolutely wonderful in store for us. My trust is unshaken, and my faith is stronger than ever before.

Today I grieve the loss of a third child, yet I also rest in God's promises and look forward to a brighter tomorrow.

Morning Sickness?

Normally I nap during this time of day, but today my slumber was curtailed by severe nausea. That's right--big, bad morning sickness! It started this morning and has fluctuated in intensity throughout the day. In my experience, this is exactly how it feels to be in the early weeks of pregnancy. I currently have all of the symptoms I've had in the past: heartburn, nausea, breast tenderness/pain, vivid dreams and expanding waistline (granted, this may very well be caused by excessive consumption of holiday goodies).

I am doing my best to stay calm...but it's difficult not to assume that pregnancy is the reason for my list of symptoms. I'm remaining cautiously optimistic...with optimism pulling ahead of caution today.

Four days from now, Wade and I will know for certain. We will certainly rejoice if the test is positive, but we will not be able to rest easy. Two of my three pregnancies ended in miscarriage around 7-8 weeks. So if I am pregnant, we will remain somewhat guarded through the first trimester.

The great news is that it's all in God's hands, either way. Praise the Lord for giving me more hope today and wonderful friends with whom to share it!