Thank You

Thank you so much for your continual support, encouragement and prayer. Wade and I feel the inexplicable strength and comfort that result from people lifting us up to the Lord. It is clear that God is holding us tightly in His loving arms as we grieve, and we are confident that much good will come from this trial.

Bless you, Ramona

Grieving Over One Year Later

Today would have been my father's birthday. As you may have read earlier in the journal, he died in December 2005 from complications due to lung cancer. The day he died, we were packing to visit him in Texas. Unfortunately, I did not have an opportunity to say good-bye in person. And since our relationship was quite complicated, finding closure has been a difficult and ongoing process. I have been surprised how many waves of grief accompany the death of a loved one. It isn't something you can prepare for, and you never know what to expect. Such is the way of loss, I have learned.

Please pray that I will exude grace and comfort to my father's wife as I support her during this difficult day. Pray that I would put her needs before my own.

In His grip, Ramona

Still Standing

Liliana, coloring the Backyardigans book while wearing Mommy's "comfy" socks and the new hat she refers to as "pom poms." Oh, those dimples...ya gotta love 'em!
Thank God for antibiotics! I am happy to report that my knock-down, drag-out fight with an infection is almost one for the history books. I was almost down for the count, but I rose up just in time to hear "...9...10." I'm still a little woozy, but I'm still standing!

Whew, I'm alive! It's like I'm getting a new lease on life. Isn't it amazing how we appreciate the simple pleasures (e.g., sitting up without props, the painless swallowing of food, maintaining a constant 98.6 degrees) after experiencing a debilitating illness? I feel like a new woman.

Last night, Wade and I actually hired a sitter and enjoyed a night out. We had been looking forward to this event for months--Trivia Night at our church. If you have never experienced it, you are truly missing out! I kid you not. Good, clean fun with incredible laughs. It's a riot! Even though I wasn't feeling 100%, we had a terrific time.

Today I attended my dear friend Jen's baby shower. It was the first "baby event" I've been to since our miscarriage. I thought it would be a piece of cake, since I was very excited to see Jen and celebrate with her. And, after all, I do have a beautiful daughter of my own. But then (just like after our other losses), when I actually get in the situation, it's like an emotional funk envelops me. And either I get sensitive and weepy about the silliest little things OR I'm completely unable to feel the depth and range of emotions that I should--and want to---for other people and their good fortune. I want to be elated, but I can only manage to be happy. It may just seem like semantics, but there's a big difference. It's really very troubling for me.

In my mind I'm thinking, "I love Jen and I'm thrilled that she's expecting, especially since she had a tough time getting pregnant. I have prayed for this child, and she & her husband are going to be such super parents!" I should be completely overjoyed for the blessings of my friend, but my heart is selfishly focused on its own hurting and longing. I feel like such an ingrate, and then I remind myself, "This is normal. You are grieving."

I'm tired of grieving.

I have seen a great deal of sorrow in my short life, especially during the past two years. Of course, I've experienced many blessings, but we've also suffered one heavy loss after another: monthly infertility struggles, multiple miscarriages, and the suffering and death of loved ones (just to name a few). At this point I should be able to fly through the five stages of grief in an hour or two. But, unfortunately, that's not the way God intended.

The good news is that we are never alone. God holds us close during tough times. An even as I write the words on this page, He is loving me and taking care of my needs. The Lord knows every single tear we shed, and He provides the comfort to help us through. It is in times like these we must lift our eyes to Him--our maker, comforter and healer. He is all we'll ever need.

Some powerful verses for me...

Isaiah 40:29-31 He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

2 Corinthians 4:17-18 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Welcome to the IVF Rollercoaster

I awoke this morning to the alarm of cramping and heavy bleeding. The nurse at Dr. Silber's office told me that we should be able to locate the cause during my ultrasound Friday morning. In the meantime, I am supposed to continue with the medication regimen. Although the nurse told me "not to be too concerned," I don't have a good feeling about this (yes, I know feelings can't always be trusted). I am concerned that whatever is causing this bleeding may result in the cancellation of our IVF. If that happens, the procedure will be postponed indefinitely, and we will lose a great deal of time and money.

I guess I have just embarked on the emotional rollercoaster of IVF. I must say that I didn't expect for it to take such a dramatic turn right out of the gate. Even though I feel anxious about this complication, I know that God is in control and that His plan is better than anything I could devise. Please pray that the cause of the bleeding is not serious and that the IVF process would continue and be successful. Also, pray that God will grant me peace of mind and stamina to take care of Liliana and the many items on my "to do" list.

Thanks for your support!
Blessings,
Ramona