Hope for Bullying Victims

The term BULLYING has become so commonplace that it has begun to lose its impact. For its victims, however, the effects of bullying are devastating, both physically and psychologically. In this age of social media, bullying has become more rampant and far-reaching than ever. Young people hide behind screens, posting hurtful and words and pictures. The anonymity emboldens them, and the prevalence desensitizes us.

If you or someone you love has experienced insults, put-downs, threats or physical harm--you are not alone. In fact, you are in good company. Read the honest words of 21-year-old Christian culinary prodigy, Nathan Barnhouse, who experienced the lowest of lows and is now at the highest point of his life. Here is Nathan's story.

Even in the darkest times, there is hope. The God of the universe created you in his image. He loves you, and He will see you through.

Dear Distracted Driver

Dear distracted driver: The text can wait. The phone call, the make-up, the radio. Whatever it is, I promise--IT CAN WAIT. 

When you are steering a two ton pick-up truck down the highway, there is nothing more important than your safety...and mine. Looking away for five seconds isn't an option. Fortunately, no one was killed...this time.

While you were distracted. your truck veered into my lane, headed right toward us. My heart raced as I laid on my horn. When you didn't change course, I was filled with terror. My four children were, too. We had absolutely nowhere to go. I prayed to God and tried to estimate where you would go next. I did my best to get out of your way...to avoid a head on collision (and, in my mind, certain death). You finally looked up, just as your truck plowed into the side of our car...the very place my 3-year-old son and 5-year-old daughter were sitting in their car seats. 

The impact was horrendous--the loudest, scariest sound I've ever heard. As our car spun out of control, I smelled smoke and heard the screams of my children. I felt completely helpless. When our minivan came to a stop, I turned around to check on my babies. I could see the fear in their eyes. Afraid of an explosion, I got them out of the car as quickly as I could. As I unbuckled 3-year-old William and pulled him from his car seat, I noticed blood covering the right side of his face. As I examined each of the children, I thanked God for His protection. Although we were broken, we were alive.

We made it out, but our mangled car was still in the road, with the horn blaring and engine smoking. Terrified that someone would hit the protruding vehicle--or us--we ran down the hill on the side of the road. As the five of us huddled in a ditch, I remember trying to calm my children, saying, "We're okay. We're all okay," over and over and over. We prayed for help and thanked God for sparing our lives. As we waited for help, we also prayed for you. We prayed that God would protect you and keep you safe, and use this tragedy for His glory. 

Help eventually arrived, and we were suddenly surrounded by sirens. Police and paramedics seemed to be everywhere, and traffic was backed up for miles. My husband was there, my children were safe...and I fell to the ground and cried like a baby. I was shaken and hurting, but thankful beyond words. As we picked the glass out of my son's bleeding wounds, I thought of you again. I wondered how you didn't get hurt and how you ended up a quarter mile down the road. I wondered what you were doing and if you had insurance. How you came to be so distracted, I may never know. What I do know is that--whatever it was--it could have waited. 

This time, you were fortunate. WE were fortunate. By the grace of God, we all walked away. If I saw you today, I would hug your neck and say: I forgive you. I forgive you for the terrifying accident. I forgive you for totaling our family car. I forgive you for my 3-year-old's cut-up face, my 5-year old's anxiety, my 7-year-old's nightmares and my 11-year-old's tearfulness. I forgive you for these excruciating headaches, the incessant ache in my neck and the shoulder pain that keeps me awake at night. I forgive you for the medical bills and the loss of wages yet to come. And I forgive you for the thing that caused it all--driving while distracted.

I'm sure you didn't mean for this to happen, and I'm sure you didn't think it would happen to you. I get it. I really do.

Most of us have been distracted at one time or another. We look down at the map, reach in the glove compartment, text a friend or put on lipstick. We only look away for a second. But a second is all it takes. It's amazing how such a little thing can have such devastating effects. Please, all drivers, look at the faces of these precious children (or your own), and say: never again. The next time might be your last.

Father's Day Gifts

My dad doesn't love me.  The words resounded in my mind every day for nineteen years. I believed it, and my father didn't do much to convince anyone otherwise.   At best, my dad was absent.  At worst, he caused a great deal of pain. So when Father's Day rolled around each year, the three of us (my sister, brother and I) were less than thrilled. It was hard enough to live with a gaping, dad-shaped hole every day, but the impending holiday was like a week-long surge of salt in the wound.

Despite our feelings and our father's failings, we sent a Father's Day gift every year.  We weren't sweet storybook kids who forgave and forgot; instead, my Mom was a strong, stand-up gal who insisted upon it.  Every year, she bought him a dad's day gift and we begrudgingly signed our names to the card.  After our parents’ divorce, she continued to ensure we did the "right" thing.  Even the year our pop was $27,000 behind in child support, Mama still gathered us around the phone for that awkward, annual “Happy Father’s Day” observance.

The other 364 days of the year, it felt like my father forgot he had children...or wished he never had.  A call here a visit there; we never knew when or if we would hear from him.  As a 13-year-old, I taped his picture to my bedroom mirror, so I wouldn't forget what he looked like.  I was always hopeful that something would change, and that I would one day be important to him.  Deep down, I was still the little girl longing for her daddy.  With each experience, however, my siblings and I were left with deepening sadness and disappointment.  

To my chagrin, the little girl inside just wouldn't go away.  I grieved every missed birthday, holiday and father-daughter event through high school.  Even as a young lady, I yearned to know how it felt to snuggle up in a daddy's lap, to feel protected and loved.  Instead, it was grief and rejection, over and over and over.  Eventually, bitterness and resentment began to creep in...and the feelings were too much to bear.   

In my twentieth year, the Lord opened my eyes to the reality that my father would never be a "daddy." It dawned on me that my expectations would continue to lead to disappointment. By the grace of God, I began to forgive my father for his failings and chose to see him as a real person.  After I removed him from the pedestal, he could no longer fall.  In the following months, I sought to know my father as a person...a unique, fallible human being.  I called and visited him on a regular basis.  It wasn’t easy, but it was the road to recovery.

Over the years, my relationship with my dad became more real and meaningful.  Although I never felt like a beloved daughter, I was finally able to accept my father for who he was--an intelligent man, a hard worker, a talented golfer and a fun-loving guy who could fix anything.  He had three kids, and he just didn't know how to be a dad.  As I get older, I am more thankful that God led me to pursue a relationship with him...person to person.  And I am becoming more convinced that my dad did love us, in his own way.  Although that realization doesn't erase the years of pain, it is comforting.  Twenty-year wounds leave deep scars, and it takes time for them to fade.

When I was 32, I told my dad I loved him for the very first time.  He died the following week, just two days before he was to meet my first child.  At my father's funeral, my sister and I sang "Amazing Grace."  How perfect and how very profound.  There is redemption for the undeserving.  For my dad, and for me. Although I still long to know how it feels to be a daughter cradled in daddy's arms, I am also thankful for what I didn't have.  The giant void in my heart allowed me to yearn for a real, loving father...the perfect Father, who has held me like no earthly father could.

This Father's day, I am grateful. I thank God for the father I had--for who he was and the ways that relationship shaped my life.  I am also grateful for the pseudo-dads, who tried to love me along the way.  Most importantly, I am thankful for my husband and my heavenly Father, who are the greatest gifts I could imagine.

This morning I read: 

"A truly rich man is one whose children run into his arms when his hands are empty."

I didn't have the kind of dad so beautifully illustrated in the quote, but my children do.  Thank you, Wade Wicht, for loving our four children so well.  You exemplify the father a girl dreams of, a daddy who offers great riches with empty hands. Our four children adore you, and so do I!  Happy Father's Day!

Mothers

Mothers have the greatest potential influence in this world. 

To my sweet friends who yearn to be mamas, do not lose heart.  You have a glorious purpose, right now.  Trust that God is always good and His timing is always perfect.

To saintly, but exhausted mommies of small children, soak up every moment.  In the blink of an eye, they will be grown.  Hold them. Love on them. Play with them.  Sleep will come (well, that's what I've heard anyway).

To patient and anxious moms of teenagers:  listen, lead by example, look for reasons to praise your ever-changing adolescent...oh, and pray without ceasing.  Then pray some more.  There are few things more powerful than the faithful prayers of a mother.

To selfless mothers of twenty-somethings, your children are starting to comprehend what a gift you are.  They're even beginning to realize that you're a human being.  Give yourself a pat on the back.

To wise mamas of newlyweds, stay connected.  Your loving advice is welcome.  Meddling, not so much. 

To doting grandmothers of grandbabies, your children still need you.   So do your grandchildren.  Spoil them all rotten, and then go take a nap.

To grieving mothers of angels, you are not alone.  May you feel divine comfort and find peace that passes all understanding.  Like me, you have a grand reunion waiting in heaven.

To fellow motherless daughters, may we treasure the gifts we still have and be grateful for every moment we had with our mamas.  Our moms hold our hands for a short time…our hearts for a lifetime.

That's Random

Good thing God is in control when life seems out of control. I'm definitely feelin' the chaos these days. Today I'm fighting a migraine...so it looks like we're going to worship from home and miss our last Sunday at Covenant. I was looking forward to one last day with our church family. Bummer.

Liliana is a riot. She just called to me from her Noggin (TV) time and said, "Mama. I'm watching a new show about Halloween. It doesn't have any bad guys in it, and it is propiate for kids." I laughed out loud.

Here's one of my new faves, Francesca Battistelli...especially "Time in Between," "I'm Letting Go" and "Beautiful, Beautiful." A powerful voice and even more powerful message...

The Author of the Story

Tonight has been harder than I ever imagined. While I am so thankful to be bringing Leila Madeline home in the morning, my heart is aching for Dana and her family. We are connected on such a profound level that I can't help but feel their pain and sadness. I can only imagine what they are experiencing as they prepare to say good-bye to the child they love. My heart is literally aching, and I cannot hold back the tears.

I never expected to feel this way. I thought waiting four days after Leila's birth would be unbearable, that it would be awkward, tense and just plain difficult. Little did I know that her hospital stay would be such an incredible blessing to everyone involved. It is so evident that God is the author of this adoption story.

We (those of us God chose as main characters) have been keenly aware of His presence, and we have stood in awe of His providence. There have been so many "goosebump" moments during which we've clearly witnessed the hand of God caring for this adoption. How amazing that He loves us enough to plan every little detail! And in His perfect wisdom and tender mercy, He brought together two completely different worlds for the love of one child.

The days ahead will be bittersweet. The bonds that have been created through this process are very special to us, and we will truly miss spending time with the people we have come to know and love. For that reason, there is a sadness in seeing this short chapter of our lives come to a close.

We have been forever changed by this experience. Our lives are richer and filled with greater joy...not just because our dream of adoption is being fulfilled, but because we have been assured that our lives have great purpose in God's kingdom. He is using our lives to tell His story.

Considering Concurrent Adoptions

Despite perceived setbacks with our adoption desires, God has protected our hearts and minds from discouragement. Yes, I experienced momentary frustration regarding the state guidelines, but my eyes remain steadily focused on God's call for our future.

Right now we find ourselves trying to discern the specifics of God's will. We are certain that we have been called to adopt a child (multiple, in fact) into our family. And there are things we must do in order to make that happen. We've completed our part with the agency (except the patient waiting), and now the rest is in God's hands.

With such a long and unpredictable road--and to avoid being on a wait list later--many families are pursuing concurrent adoptions. As we wait and deliberate, Wade and I both feel led to consider this option for our family. (It's pretty amazing that we share the same zest, because we were in very different places a year ago.) In these situations, the agencies work together to ensure that the adoptions occur at least 6 months apart. However, with the current lull, it's likely that they'd be much further apart.

This is tricky gray area. While we want to recognize our desires and take a proactive approach, we don't want to be overzealous and step outside of God's will for our lives. If you are led, please pray for wisdom, guidance and discernment in this area.

...Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done!

Earthquake!

Everyone in the Midwest is talking about it this morning...and we're no exception.

At 4:37am, I dreamt that I was lying in a vibrating bed--you know, the 1970's motel beds that shook for a quarter (and hopefully no longer exist). Then, nature called on line one. I headed to the potty--and, much to my surprise, the toilet was vibrating, too. I thought, "This sure is a strange dream." It was at that moment the fog rolled away and I realized this was no dream. The entire house was shaking...and it was an earthquake!

By God's grace, I was able to go back to sleep...but not before feeling the wonder and awe of the event. This morning, I learned the details and was completely amazed. It's hard to wrap your mind around this kind of thing. I mean, the earthquake was three hours away, on the IN/IL border...yet it was strong enough to wake us from dreamland in St. Louis. I can't imagine the terror and destruction experienced by those on the fault line...and others around the world who've known much, much worse.

This was my first experience with an earthquake. Although it was mild (and actually kind of cool) for us, I know that the effects were devastating for others. My heart and prayers go out to those who are picking up the pieces. May God hold them in the palm of His hand.

Overflowing Hearts

Tonight was our weekly small group marriage study, during which Liliana spent time in our church's children's program. One of the caregivers had her precious foster baby with her, and Liliana was in love. She could not take her eyes (and hands) off of the tiny little girl, and she continued to talk about the baby as we were driving home. My heart was overjoyed to observe Liliana's tender and caring spirit; yet, it aches to know that our adoption may be weeks, months or even years away.

I know that God's plan is perfect, and I trust His timing. However, sometimes I wonder what's wrong with NOW? I mean, it seems that this is the ideal time for our family to grow...and yet there seems to be no movement in the adoption process.

Our life is good--very good--but it would be even richer with another member in our family. Our hearts are overflowing. Please pray that I would be patient, content and a blessing to others as we wait for our little one to come home.

In His grip,
Ramona

Patience and Praise

It's been three weeks since we've had any communication with Bethany regarding adoption possibilities. Even though it's a short time in the grand scheme of things, each day feels so long when you're yearning to love another little one. Sometimes it seems like our adoption is never going to happen. Of course, I know that's not true. It's just a matter of trusting that God is working out the details. And we have no doubt about His faithfulness.

God shows His unfailing love on a daily basis, sometimes in subtle ways and other times in overwhelming ways. Lately, it has been the latter. Over the last month, God has completely provided for the financial aspect of our adoption. The seemingly insurmountable obstacle was hurdled in divine fashion. We could never have anticipated the ways God provided, and we are so humbled and grateful for His provision. We are also thankful to the individuals who contributed to our adoption fund. Your kindness is much appreciated!

As we wait for a match, we pray that we may have contentment and be a blessing to others.

Joy comes from knowing God loves me and knows who I am and where I'm going...that my future is secure as I rest in Him. James Dobson

Reaching Closure

Wednesday was my post-miscarriage follow-up exam. According to Dr. Pineda, it appears that the healing process has begun. He sent me to the lab for a pregnancy test (of all things!) to check my hormone levels. When the HCG value drops to below five, it's considered to be "negative." I received the results yesterday, and my level was exactly five (thank you, Murphy). So I have to go back and have another blood draw this week to make sure it goes down one little point!

Although I'm not thrilled to donate more blood, I'm thankful to be on the road to recovery. Once the medical issues are cleared up (including the pathology report we have yet to receive), we will be able to close this chapter and completely focus on the present. That will be nice.

Once things get back to normal (about two months), I plan to leave Dr. Pineda's care and return to my original doc. Since we now know that it's possible to conceive naturally, we see no need to continue with a specialist. After hearing from hundreds of couples and experiencing five years of fertility treatments, I firmly believe that the term "unexplained" in the diagnosis of unexplained infertility means "there's no medical explanation, because it's in God' hands."

It's all in God's hands! Blessings,
Ramona

A Ray of Light

Today we had an opportunity to have lunch with my BFF, Cindy, in Alton. She came in from Maine to see her family for a few days. Spending time with her was a bright ray of light in the midst of our otherwise very dreary day.

In addition to coping with the failure of our fertility treatment, we are dealing with the impending loss of my grandma. And to make matters worse, my unreliable car broke down again, leaving Liliana and me stranded on the highway in almost 100 degree weather. As usual, when it rains...it pours!

It is times like this when I want to look skyward and scream, "Why, Lord, why!?" For the life of me, I don't understand why God allows so much grief and disappointment in the lives of the faithful. And as quickly as the tears begin to flow, my thoughts turn to the big picture and the suffering of my Savior. I know that the troubles of this world are temporary...and life's difficulties build my character and my faith. By God's grace, I will weather this storm and the many that lie ahead.

Fortunately, His grace is great enough to meet the great things--the crashing waves that overwhelm the soul, the roaring winds that leave us stunned and breathless, the sudden storms beyond our life's control. -Annie Johnson Flint

Praying for sunshine and sufficient grace, Ramona

In the Refining Fire

Today was the fourth consecutive day that someone at the pool asked me, "Is Liliana your only child?" Each time, I smiled and casually responded, "Yes, but not for lack of trying!"

And although I am able to jokingly play off the fact that we only have one child, my heart is constantly plagued with a dull ache of longing for the children I have lost. I feel deep sadness that Liliana does not have a sibling. And my desire for another child has not subsided during this long wait. Instead, it seems to intensify with each passing day.

Today, my sister-in-law sent me this story. She didn't know it, but the content was exactly what I needed. God knew, and He delivered it to me at just the right moment.

Malachi 3:3 says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God. One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver.

As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needs to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver." She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined.

The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?" He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it."

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire , remember that God is holding you tightly and He is watching closely to see His image in you.

God allows us to walk through the refining fire so that we may glorify Him while being refined and purified. Although it has been extremely painful, this battle with infertility has been a beautiful opportunity to become more like my Savior. And for that, I am truly grateful.

Resting in His perfect timing,
Ramona

God's Will Be Done!

Thank you so much to all of you who visit and share in this journey with me. I truly appreciate your time and relish your expressions of encouragement and concern. My husband and I are especially grateful for those who pray on our behalf. May God bless each and every one of you!

A recent anonymous comment has prompted me to provide further explanation regarding our choice to pursue in vitro fertilization. I enjoyed the candid and challenging nature of the comment; however, I found it to be a bit insensitive, especially considering all the sorrow we've experienced. It was also apparent that the writer made several incorrect assumptions. So, please allow me to expound on my personal beliefs and the process that led to our current medical treatment.

First, let me make it perfectly clear that I am a Christian, and I believe that the Bible is God's infallible word. My faith is strong--but not blind; it is supported by personal conviction and over two thousand years of evidence. I continually seek to know the character and the will of God, and I pray daily for the strength and wisdom to follow His will [For instance, last year I waited 6 months without transportation for God to make his will known to us about repairing our car]. I seek the Lord in every aspect of my life. I do not compartmentalize my faith; I live it every moment of every day.

Second, I love and cherish my family beyond words...and I believe that my adoration is quite evident in the pages of this journal. I am so very thankful for what the Lord has given me.

As parents, Wade and I know that our precious daughter is a gift from God. We have been so richly blessed, and it is our hearts desire to have many children. As mental health professionals and strong believers in Christ, we know that it is important to examine our hearts and our motives. We have spent many months doing exactly that, and we know our desire for children is pure and from above.

"May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed." Psalm 20:4
"Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

Although we long for a large family, we suffer from unexplained infertility. All of the medical tests suggest that Wade is perfectly healthy in the reproductive realm. However, I have several medical issues that prevent natural conception. Consequently, we have been unable to conceive a child without advanced reproductive technology. Because part of my problem is related to hormone levels, I also require medication to sustain pregnancy. We know the reality of the situation, and we look to the Lord for wisdom and patience regarding our fertility.

During our emotional struggle with this issue, Wade and I researched all of the options available to us (e.g., waiting for a miraculous conception, hormone treatments, intrauterine insemination (IUI), in vitro fertilization (IVF), adoption) and prayed that God would show His divine will to us. We also asked Him to put obstacles in the way of paths that stood outside of His will. For many months we waited on the Lord, and He eventually gave us a great peace regarding medical treatments...and, ultimately, the pursuit of IVF.

It seems that the aforementioned blogger comment makes the assumption that IVF is not God's will. In the course of our research, we never encountered evidence that IVF is either unethical or immoral. Controversy sometimes arises when fertilized embryos go unused. However, we fertilize every egg and transfer every embryo that God supplies. So, it is our belief that IVF is a perfectly viable treatment option...and it is the method that God chose for us.

"We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps." Proverbs 16:9

The simplest explanation I can provide is that it is because God is sovereign that we are pursuing IVF. All of truth, life and breath is created by God. He has also provided advancements through human invention and intervention. Should none of us take antibiotics when we are ill, but rather expect that enough faith, patience and endurance will heal us? Those who practice this philosophy may indeed find healing, but they are even more likely to die. Either way, God is sovereign and He gives us the will to choose.

God is ultimately in control and thus "determines our steps" by regulating our situations and the information we base our choices upon. Since we will generally choose the option that our mind finds most preferable in light of the situation, God can simply make the circumstances such that the option we find most preferable is the choice He ordained us to make. Our choice is free and truly ours since it is a result of our own reasoning and thought processes ("we can make our plans"), but God still controls it because He orders and directs the information our thought processes were based on to ensure that the choice we make is what He wills ("the Lord determines our steps"). Personal responsibility lies with the individual while fate and judgment remain in God's hands. For an elaboration on God's sovereignty, visit www.geocities.com/mattperman/sov.html

At this point, let me also clarify my view on adoption. Even though it is not what is best for our family at this time, I support and respect both internation and domestic adoption. Throughout the world, there are so many children who desire a loving family to call their own. I fervently pray for children in need, and we personally support a child in Tanzania. God willing, we may adopt a child into our family in the future.

Right now, God has given us personal assurance of our decision to proceed with IVF. He reassures us daily through His Word and by miraculously providing the means for this treatment. Further, the Lord provides encouragement through fellow members of the body of Christ. Funny as it may seem, the seemingly quarrelsome comment has led us to a deeper conviction in God directing us toward IVF. And so we will rest in God's assurance and put the outcome of this treatment in His hands.

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:7

Praise God that we are able to know God in a personal way. How wonderful that we may communicate with Him through prayer, worship and fellowship. Praise God that He reveals His will to us so uniquely through His living Word. And thank God for trials that both refine us and remind us of His unfailing grace, love and power. We humbly give God the glory for our successes (e.g., our daughter, increasing wisdom, strengthened faith, close friendships) and through our disappointments (e.g., miscarriages, financial strain, grief)...all of which display God's sovereignty and remind us of our complete dependence on Him.

"We ask God to give you complete knowledge of his will and to give you spiritual wisdom and understanding. Then the way you live will always honor and please the Lord, and your lives will produce every kind of good fruit. All the while, you will grow as you learn to know God better and better. We also pray that you will be strengthened with all his glorious power so you will have all the endurance and patience you need. May you be filled with joy, always thanking the Father. Colossians 1:8-10"

May God richly bless you and yours, Ramona

The Great Healer

We met with Dr. Silber this afternoon. He offered his condolences for our miscarriage and informed us that he believes the results of the embryonic genetic testing to be erroneous. In his opinion, the lab inadvertently tested my tissue instead of that of the fetus. Consequently, the testing showed normal female chromosomes when the fetus was, indeed, chromosomally abnormal (hence, the miscarriage). Although Dr. Silber had no hard evidence of this, he seemed convinced that the baby had a genetic issue that kept it from developing correctly. And, he said the lab's error was not uncommon. Scary.

As for our current situation, Dr. Silber recommended that we allow each embryo to undergo genetic testing prior to IVF. According to doc, he would use the process to identify embryos with genetic abnormalities and exclude them from being transferred during IVF. Our chances of pregnancy would naturally decrease (with fewer embryos available), but our odds of having another miscarriage would be much fewer. It may come as a surprise to some, but I felt strongly that we should not do the testing.

Here's why: 1) I believe that God is sovereign over all. That includes our IVF...and, as far as I know, He does not listen to statistics or lab results. 2) By Dr. Silber's admission, the lab makes mistakes and may accidentally omit a perfectly viable embryo from the process. 3) The testing is at least $4500, in addition to the $16K. That's no pocket change. To me, there are three compelling reasons to forgo the pre-IVF genetic testing. I'd rather put my future children in the hands of the Almighty than a room full of scientists. Can I get a witness?!

In God's hands, Ramona

IVF April 29th

Thank the Lord for answered prayer! It looks like we will be able to proceed with preparations our April 29th IVF target date. We prayed boldly, and God gave a real and resounding reply. I am so excited and thankful for His provisions.

This is a daunting process. On one hand, I am very hopeful for a positive outcome. On the other hand, fear is doing its best to creep in--fear of the failure to conceive, fear of further financial loss, fear of another miscarriage, and the plain old unspecified kind of fear. As I contemplate what lies ahead, I am reassured and reminded by God's word that we to replace fear with total trust in the Lord.

1 Chronicles 28: "Be strong and courageous, and act; do not fear nor be dismayed, for the LORD God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you nor forsake you..."

So, we will trust and act, and we will leave the results to the One who is sovereign over all.

Blessings to you, Ramona

In the Valley

For several months now, I have felt a strong spiritual call to share my journey...primarily so that others may see the grace and glory of God in my life. It was for that reason I created this blog. I must admit that the entire process has been challenging, mainly because being so open and transparent does not come naturally for me. I have found that one takes many risks in making her life an open book, and there is a great deal of consideration that must go into each entry. Despite the difficult aspects, however, sharing my life with you has been therapeutic and rewarding beyond my expectations. Thank you for your support and encouragement.

It is with an especially heavy heart that write today. Our pregnancy has come to an end, and Wade and I are mourning the loss of yet another child. Today should have marked my 7th week of pregnancy, but this morning's ultrasound showed that our baby's development stopped at 5 weeks, 6 days. The previous ultrasound was accurate, and today's scan was confirmation.

Because this is our third miscarriage, Dr. Pineda urged us to proceed with genetic testing for ourselves and the fetus. I am scheduled for a suction dilation and curettage (D&C) tomorrow at St. Luke's. The tissue will be removed and sent to a lab for testing. Hopefully we will learn the cause of this loss and know if there is a genetic component that is at the root the miscarriages.

Losing a child is painful beyond description. I am filled with great sadness and disappointment, accompanied by a profound longing. I feel guilt, shame and a sense that I am somehow less of a woman because I have so much difficulty conceiving and carrying a child. It is distressing to realize that I have been pregnant four times, and I have just one child.

And even while my heart is aching, I understand that this is the refining fire that builds our character and gives us strength. I know that many unexpected blessings will result from this trial.

My life is already so richly blessed. I have been entrusted with a beautiful daughter, and I am fortunate enough to experience the gift of motherhood each and every day. I am married to my best friend, a supportive and loving man who is by my side every moment. And I am blessed with a terrific family and encouraging friends. There are so many reasons for me to be grateful.

Also, I know in my heart that this is God's plan for us. God is good and His timing is always perfect. He knew the deepest desires of our hearts and heard many prayers on our behalf; yet, He still allowed this to happen. Therefore, I know this was meant to be...and I give thanks to the God who gives and takes away. Further, I am certain that the Lord has something absolutely wonderful in store for us. My trust is unshaken, and my faith is stronger than ever before.

Today I grieve the loss of a third child, yet I also rest in God's promises and look forward to a brighter tomorrow.

Unrest

Our first ultrasound took place this morning. The pregnancy looks to be almost 6 weeks in development. Since I was supposed to be a bit further along, the embryo may have initially taken a couple extra days to implant. If that's the case, I'm just not as far along as anticipated. However, there's also a possibility that the development stopped a couple days ago. Dr. Pineda says to relax and assume all is well until proven otherwise. He wants me to have another ultrasound in one week.

On one hand, I am relieved that everything looks normal (for a 5 week, 6 day pregnancy, that is). We were able to see that there is one embryo sac in the uterus. Thankfully it is not an ectopic pregnancy. On the other hand, I have to admit that I am somewhat uneasy that the baby's development isn't where we thought it should be. I can't help but remember that this is similar to how we learned about my two miscarriages. In the past, either a blood test or an ultrasound showed that the baby stopped growing prematurely...and that was the end. Right now, it's too soon to tell. All I can do is pray and wait.

I'm still experiencing regular symptoms of pregnancy, so hopefully that indicates everything is right on track. Nausea, heartburn, aching body parts, insomnia, and food aversions are a integral part of my daily life. My hips muscles have taken a beating with the progesterone injections. They're both bruised and knotted up, and the bandages have begun to rip my skin. Thankfully, the nurse gave me some gauze and silk tape to replace the bandaids. That will help a great deal. And although much of this journey is unpleasant, it will all be worth it!

Please boldly pray that the baby is healthy and that s/he will continue to develop normally. Also pray that I would keep my eyes on the Lord during this long week of waiting. My heart is not at peace right now, and your prayers will help tremendously.

May God bless you and yours! Ramona

Morning Sickness?

Normally I nap during this time of day, but today my slumber was curtailed by severe nausea. That's right--big, bad morning sickness! It started this morning and has fluctuated in intensity throughout the day. In my experience, this is exactly how it feels to be in the early weeks of pregnancy. I currently have all of the symptoms I've had in the past: heartburn, nausea, breast tenderness/pain, vivid dreams and expanding waistline (granted, this may very well be caused by excessive consumption of holiday goodies).

I am doing my best to stay calm...but it's difficult not to assume that pregnancy is the reason for my list of symptoms. I'm remaining cautiously optimistic...with optimism pulling ahead of caution today.

Four days from now, Wade and I will know for certain. We will certainly rejoice if the test is positive, but we will not be able to rest easy. Two of my three pregnancies ended in miscarriage around 7-8 weeks. So if I am pregnant, we will remain somewhat guarded through the first trimester.

The great news is that it's all in God's hands, either way. Praise the Lord for giving me more hope today and wonderful friends with whom to share it!