State Adoption Sidelined

Just days after submitting our application for a state adoption, we heard from Jennifer, the foster and adoption coordinator at the Missouri Department of Social Services. I was so thrilled to get her voicemail that my mind started spinning out all kinds of potential scenarios. Jennifer and I played phone tag for several days, so I had a substantial period of time to let my mind go crazy. Unfortunately, my excitement came to a screeching halt quickly after Jennifer and I connected.

According to Missouri's rules, families cannot be considered while they are actively working with another agency. Sad, but understandable. Furthermore, infants are rarely eligible for adoption until they reach the age of 15 months. Regardless of the abuse or neglect a parent has shown to previous children, expectant parents have 15 months to show that they have been reformed. So each baby born to an offending mother lives in limbo for over a year of it's life to see if mom or dad can get it together. Sad, and inexcusable.

Having worked with severe cases of child abuse and neglect in the past, I find this policy to be quite disturbing. In my experience, about 1% of unfit parents regain the ability to be healthy caregivers. Even Jennifer agreed that the system is hard to stomach. According to her, the rule exists only to prevent legal appeals, not to protect the best interests of children. So sad.

I am disappointed that we will be unable to adopt through this avenue, but I'm more disgusted with the system. It's so frustrating that the rights of offending parents trump the rights of innocent babies..and, as usual, the people who desire to be parents are sidelined. It's just not right.

There's my soapbox for the day. This is a setback, but I'm not going to let it get me down. I am extremely grateful for where we are, and I'm even more hopeful for the future.

Not One of My Better Days

This is a difficult day for me. September 10th, 2007 was the due date for the precious baby we lost in February. I've been aware of the approaching date, but I honestly didn't think it would hit me so hard. That's one of the toughest things about suffering a miscarriage. You just don't know how you'll be feeling one day to the next. You believe you're making good progress, and Bam! Something triggers the grief, and it's waterworks all over again.

I'm so ready for another child to become a part of our family, but all I can do is wait. It's very stressful for an achiever-type to sit on her hands and do nothing. Even though I'm ready to dive into the adoption process head-first, my husband isn't there yet. And we both have to be on the same page before we proceed. In the meantime, I've been working to prepare our home for a second child...but I'm feeling discouraged today. My heart tells me, "Press on and stay faithful." But my mind says, "Just give up."

And then I feel guilty for feeling bad when we have so many blessings in our lives...especially sweet Liliana. But I can't shake this longing. I know that our family is incomplete, and I feel led to adopt. Why would God give me this great desire for adoption without the ability to do something about it? I'm tired of waiting.

Well, as you can tell, this is not my best day. I hesitate to publish these kinds of journal entries, because they're not pretty. But I've promised to be real. So here it is, folks. I'm sad, discouraged and officially human.

I know the Lord hears my cries, and I know He loves me. I will feel better tomorrow.

Praying for strength, comfort and wisdom. ~Ramona

A Ray of Light

Today we had an opportunity to have lunch with my BFF, Cindy, in Alton. She came in from Maine to see her family for a few days. Spending time with her was a bright ray of light in the midst of our otherwise very dreary day.

In addition to coping with the failure of our fertility treatment, we are dealing with the impending loss of my grandma. And to make matters worse, my unreliable car broke down again, leaving Liliana and me stranded on the highway in almost 100 degree weather. As usual, when it rains...it pours!

It is times like this when I want to look skyward and scream, "Why, Lord, why!?" For the life of me, I don't understand why God allows so much grief and disappointment in the lives of the faithful. And as quickly as the tears begin to flow, my thoughts turn to the big picture and the suffering of my Savior. I know that the troubles of this world are temporary...and life's difficulties build my character and my faith. By God's grace, I will weather this storm and the many that lie ahead.

Fortunately, His grace is great enough to meet the great things--the crashing waves that overwhelm the soul, the roaring winds that leave us stunned and breathless, the sudden storms beyond our life's control. -Annie Johnson Flint

Praying for sunshine and sufficient grace, Ramona

Sweetly Broken

It is another day of heartache for our family. My pregnancy test was negative, and we are now grieving the loss of two more unborn children. Upon learning of this great disappointment, the entire family shared a tearful group hug in the living room of our home. And since then, Wade and I continue to shed tears and share tender moments with Liliana, our parents and loved ones.

As we come to terms with the fact that we will not know these precious children on earth, we are comforted by the knowledge that we will one day be with them in heaven. God is holding us in the palm of His hands right now, covering our open wounds with the sweet balm of peace and hope for the future. As Psalm 34:18 assures us, "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

My heart is aching, but underneath this heaviness, I am aware that the pain of this world is necessary. If it weren't for heartbreak in our lives, we would never long for something better--and we'd never recognize the need for a redeemer to secure that perfect place in heaven. As Henry Ward Beecher put it: "God washes the eyes by tears until they can behold the invisible land where tears shall come no more."

I know that God is good and that His timing is perfect...even though I certainly don't understand it. I am thankful that He cares about every detail of my life and has something even better in store for me. As God's word prescribes in 1 Thessalonians 5:18, "Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

So, today I grieve what is not to be and I give thanks for what is yet to come.

Please click the following links to hear the music of my heart.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ElISFieaukc
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GE1_l6bGBoI

Thank you so much for your prayers and kind words throughout the past months. We are humbled and forever grateful. Resting in His promises, Ramona

FET Target Date

Wade and I are gradually coming to terms with the outcome of our last IVF, knowing that God's timing is perfect and we must trust in His goodness. At this point, we are scheduled for a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) on July 17th. We have two remaining embryos, and they are our last hope for pregnancy through Advanced Reproductive Technology. We pray that this final attempt will be successful. After that, our only option is adoption (although we will continue to pray for a miraculous conception).

Please pray that we may be a blessing to others through this process.
Through His strength, Ramona

Adventures in Infertility

Well, it's been a weekend of processing, grieving and binging on Hostess Crumb Donettes, Houlihan's Stuffed 'Shrooms and Diet Wild Cherry Pepsi. I am now back to my healthy ways and ready to face the world again.

After prayerful consideration and collaboration with our trusty caregivers, Wade and I have determined that our next episode of Adventures in Infertility will be take place in mid-July. It will be a double feature entitled, "Frozen Embryo Transfer x 2." I'm waiting for Dr. Silber's people to contact my people to talk finances and firm dates.

Although the cost of FET is much less than IVF, it's definitely not pocket change. I considered setting up a trust fund to help with the medical bills, but instead decided this would be a great opportunity to encourage the sale of Wade's contraband motorcycle. If anyone is interested, it's a striking royal blue 1982 Yamaha Maxim 750 in great condition with less than 16K miles. Place your bids in the comment section!

As you can tell, I'm doing much better today. A big part of the reason is that there seems to be some hope with the dire family situation I mentioned Friday. I'd love to expound further, but it's a private matter--too sensitive to put on a blog. If you feel led, please pray that there is a positive resolution for a couple I love dearly. God will know who you're talking about!

Thanks again for all of the uplifting comments and prayers. A special shout out to Dave and Kate, who brought us a gorgeous plant and loving words. Also, thanks to Wade's parents for lovely outside dining at Houlihan's...a much needed break from reality!

Bless you all, Ramona

Welcome to My Wednesday

The suspense of waiting got the best of me last night, and I decided to have a home pregnancy test on hand, just in case. So I asked Wade to run to Walgreens to pick up a test kit, along with a 2-liter of Canada Dry to help my aching tummy. The nausea was so bad that I wanted to throw up just to have some relief. On top of that, my headache became a full-fledged migraine that kept me up most of the night.

Somewhere between serious pain, serious prayer and occasional winks of sleep, I debated whether or not to succumb to the temptation of a pregnancy test. Part of me trusted the nausea enough to wait 'til Friday's lab test, while the rest of me was sold on knowing the result right away.

I read the pamphlet inside the test kit, and it delineated the accuracy for each day before the "best" test date (Friday). I thought, "Okay, at this point, the test would be 74-84% on target. Hmmm...that's is just high enough that I'd have a good chance of getting a positive result (and relief from waiting) and just low enough that I could attribute a negative result to the possibility of error. Plus, I've had several false-negatives in the past. Sounds okay." Then I thought about the severity of my headache and the fact that I may need some chiropractic intervention. I wondered if I could undergo osteopathic manipulation if I'm pregnant. I realized that I'd need to know in order to decide what treatment to pursue. Finally, somewhere around 4:30am, I decided to go ahead with the test first thing in the morning. I'm sure I swayed the arguments the way I wanted them to go.

At 7:20am, my bladder woke me up from the first round of good sleep I had all night. I broke out the test, peed on the stick, waited two minutes and looked at the result window. One line. Negative. I peered at the stick as closely as possible to make sure I wasn't missing the other line. Nope. Negative. I laid back down, feeling disappointed but still hopeful that Friday's test would be positive. My nausea was still going strong, so I didn't sweat the test results. I didn't even wake Wade to tell him. Why bother him with inaccurate results, right?

Shortly after Liliana awoke, I noticed spotting. I immediately assumed the blood was my typical spotting before each monthly cycle. I had no idea what else it could be. I could feel the hope leaving my body and falling to the floor. A negative pregnancy test and spotting. My heart sank.

I wept as Wade and I discussed the situation. I was crushed. I thought I'd immediately be at peace with whatever God put in front of us, but I felt sadness instead. At the same time I was grieving a perceived lack of pregnancy, I experienced more nausea...a symptom that's always been an accurate predictor of pregnancy for me. I was both confused and frustrated that I could have such a strong sign of pregnancy with two serious strikes against it.

Teary eyed, I called Dr. Pineda's office and left a message about the morning's events. When nurse Janna called back, she offered more hope than I anticipated. Janna told me that the bleeding could be from the implantation of embryos. Further, she stated that the pregnancy test was much to early to be trusted. She advised me to add two oral progesterone capsules to my daily regimen of medications (to help support a potential pregnancy). I asked her if there was any way my nausea could be a side effect of my medications, and she assured me that it isn't. According to Janna, I need to hope for the best and wait until Friday's blood pregnancy test.

After my conversation with the nurse, I felt a little bit of hope wash over me. Although I'm still an emotional mess, I do feel like there's a chance I'm pregnant. After all, the nausea is as strong as ever. So, once again, I will wait and pray. Friday seems further away than ever.

Please keep this situation in your prayers and lift up our desire for a healthy baby (or two).
Bless you, Ramona

Part of Me

I've read this entry over and over, trying to somehow make it nicer or sweeter...trying to think myself out of this funk. I've debated which button would be most appropriate--"publish" or "delete." And I suppose I ought to just put it out there. You've seen the best of me, and now you'll see the rest of me.

Things aren't rosy today. I'm not feeling like my normal glass-is-half-full self. I've had to work much harder than usual to be positive about our situation. I think my bad mood was triggered this morning when I heard a pregnant woman complaining about the "inconveniences" of pregnancy and having a baby. I thought, "A child is a gift! You should be grateful for this pregnancy. I will gladly trade places with you."

Tears began welling up in my eyes as I sat there listening and still bleeding from the D&C, unable to escape the fact we just lost our third baby and possibly our final chance to have another child. Maybe it's the abrupt hormone changes or the multiple medications; but I have a feeling I'm just experiencing plain ol' frustration and anger.

I am frustrated that we went through the pain and expense of IVF just to lose it all. I am angry that we are mourning the loss of another child--that anyone has to lose a child, for that matter. And just as I start to let myself go to that irritable and frustrated and downright sad place, I feel guilty for feeling this way. I know we are very fortunate. I know I should just appreciate all of the blessings in our lives. But I am a grieving mother who is physically and emotionally exhausted. No matter how I try to frame it, this isn't a pretty picture.

This is the tough stuff of an on-line journal, but it's honest and human and real. I apologize that you've had to see this part of me...the small, but bitter part that will never understand why bad things have to happen over and over again. If you know me, you'll attest that I've had more than my share of drama in the past few years. And I'm tired, tired, tired.

I know this is a broken world, but I sure wouldn't mind see a little more good around me. And just as that thought crosses my mind, I remember that these are the situations that allow us to suffer and long for something better. And what is better than God's glory and goodness. In the midst of our sorrow and sin, we turn away from the worldly things that continue to fail us. ..and we turn to God.

So I will lift my eyes to the maker of the mountains I can't climb. I will lift my eyes to the healer of the hurt I hold inside. I will lift my eyes...

In the Valley

For several months now, I have felt a strong spiritual call to share my journey...primarily so that others may see the grace and glory of God in my life. It was for that reason I created this blog. I must admit that the entire process has been challenging, mainly because being so open and transparent does not come naturally for me. I have found that one takes many risks in making her life an open book, and there is a great deal of consideration that must go into each entry. Despite the difficult aspects, however, sharing my life with you has been therapeutic and rewarding beyond my expectations. Thank you for your support and encouragement.

It is with an especially heavy heart that write today. Our pregnancy has come to an end, and Wade and I are mourning the loss of yet another child. Today should have marked my 7th week of pregnancy, but this morning's ultrasound showed that our baby's development stopped at 5 weeks, 6 days. The previous ultrasound was accurate, and today's scan was confirmation.

Because this is our third miscarriage, Dr. Pineda urged us to proceed with genetic testing for ourselves and the fetus. I am scheduled for a suction dilation and curettage (D&C) tomorrow at St. Luke's. The tissue will be removed and sent to a lab for testing. Hopefully we will learn the cause of this loss and know if there is a genetic component that is at the root the miscarriages.

Losing a child is painful beyond description. I am filled with great sadness and disappointment, accompanied by a profound longing. I feel guilt, shame and a sense that I am somehow less of a woman because I have so much difficulty conceiving and carrying a child. It is distressing to realize that I have been pregnant four times, and I have just one child.

And even while my heart is aching, I understand that this is the refining fire that builds our character and gives us strength. I know that many unexpected blessings will result from this trial.

My life is already so richly blessed. I have been entrusted with a beautiful daughter, and I am fortunate enough to experience the gift of motherhood each and every day. I am married to my best friend, a supportive and loving man who is by my side every moment. And I am blessed with a terrific family and encouraging friends. There are so many reasons for me to be grateful.

Also, I know in my heart that this is God's plan for us. God is good and His timing is always perfect. He knew the deepest desires of our hearts and heard many prayers on our behalf; yet, He still allowed this to happen. Therefore, I know this was meant to be...and I give thanks to the God who gives and takes away. Further, I am certain that the Lord has something absolutely wonderful in store for us. My trust is unshaken, and my faith is stronger than ever before.

Today I grieve the loss of a third child, yet I also rest in God's promises and look forward to a brighter tomorrow.