Supernatural

Here's my little Elvira wearing her glow-in-the-dark vampire teeth. She received them yesterday at the birthday party, and she loves them. Little Dracula even brought them to our church event last night and wore them on the playground. Thank you, Clay and Victoria, for this lovely new fascination!

Tonight we attended a large Reformation Day service at Twin Oaks. Throughout the worship service, I was keenly aware of God's presence. At one point, I couldn't contain the tears--it was as if the breath of Jesus was all around me. The spirit moved me--especially as hundreds of voices proclaimed His glory in song. As one who is not inclined to the esoteric, believe me--God was undoubtedly in our midst tonight.

God wants us to be present where we are. He invites us to see and to hear what is around us and through it all, to discern the footprints oft the holy. ~Richard J Foster

May you seek God's face, and may the Lord make Himself known to you. ~Ramona

Love and Longing

I've always felt that parenthood gets sweeter with each passing day. Today is no exception. Liliana and I have been experiencing a closer bond than ever. She is communicating so well and her little personality is blossoming in technicolor. She is so imaginative, humorous and innovative--and I am enjoying this stage in her development more than any other.

As I observe these amazing changes in my daughter, my longing for another child continues to grow. I so desire to love and encourage another little one, and I pray that God grants me the opportunity to do so.

I am beginning to experience anxiety about our upcoming IVF...fear that we will go through all of the physical, emotional and financial sacrifice for nothing. Just when I feel like I've put complete trust in the Lord, nervous feelings creep in and take hold. Obviously I need to work on resting in the Lord. Please pray that I would have peace and total faith during this process.

In His hands, Ramona

God's Will Be Done!

Thank you so much to all of you who visit and share in this journey with me. I truly appreciate your time and relish your expressions of encouragement and concern. My husband and I are especially grateful for those who pray on our behalf. May God bless each and every one of you!

A recent anonymous comment has prompted me to provide further explanation regarding our choice to pursue in vitro fertilization. I enjoyed the candid and challenging nature of the comment; however, I found it to be a bit insensitive, especially considering all the sorrow we've experienced. It was also apparent that the writer made several incorrect assumptions. So, please allow me to expound on my personal beliefs and the process that led to our current medical treatment.

First, let me make it perfectly clear that I am a Christian, and I believe that the Bible is God's infallible word. My faith is strong--but not blind; it is supported by personal conviction and over two thousand years of evidence. I continually seek to know the character and the will of God, and I pray daily for the strength and wisdom to follow His will [For instance, last year I waited 6 months without transportation for God to make his will known to us about repairing our car]. I seek the Lord in every aspect of my life. I do not compartmentalize my faith; I live it every moment of every day.

Second, I love and cherish my family beyond words...and I believe that my adoration is quite evident in the pages of this journal. I am so very thankful for what the Lord has given me.

As parents, Wade and I know that our precious daughter is a gift from God. We have been so richly blessed, and it is our hearts desire to have many children. As mental health professionals and strong believers in Christ, we know that it is important to examine our hearts and our motives. We have spent many months doing exactly that, and we know our desire for children is pure and from above.

"May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed." Psalm 20:4
"Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

Although we long for a large family, we suffer from unexplained infertility. All of the medical tests suggest that Wade is perfectly healthy in the reproductive realm. However, I have several medical issues that prevent natural conception. Consequently, we have been unable to conceive a child without advanced reproductive technology. Because part of my problem is related to hormone levels, I also require medication to sustain pregnancy. We know the reality of the situation, and we look to the Lord for wisdom and patience regarding our fertility.

During our emotional struggle with this issue, Wade and I researched all of the options available to us (e.g., waiting for a miraculous conception, hormone treatments, intrauterine insemination (IUI), in vitro fertilization (IVF), adoption) and prayed that God would show His divine will to us. We also asked Him to put obstacles in the way of paths that stood outside of His will. For many months we waited on the Lord, and He eventually gave us a great peace regarding medical treatments...and, ultimately, the pursuit of IVF.

It seems that the aforementioned blogger comment makes the assumption that IVF is not God's will. In the course of our research, we never encountered evidence that IVF is either unethical or immoral. Controversy sometimes arises when fertilized embryos go unused. However, we fertilize every egg and transfer every embryo that God supplies. So, it is our belief that IVF is a perfectly viable treatment option...and it is the method that God chose for us.

"We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps." Proverbs 16:9

The simplest explanation I can provide is that it is because God is sovereign that we are pursuing IVF. All of truth, life and breath is created by God. He has also provided advancements through human invention and intervention. Should none of us take antibiotics when we are ill, but rather expect that enough faith, patience and endurance will heal us? Those who practice this philosophy may indeed find healing, but they are even more likely to die. Either way, God is sovereign and He gives us the will to choose.

God is ultimately in control and thus "determines our steps" by regulating our situations and the information we base our choices upon. Since we will generally choose the option that our mind finds most preferable in light of the situation, God can simply make the circumstances such that the option we find most preferable is the choice He ordained us to make. Our choice is free and truly ours since it is a result of our own reasoning and thought processes ("we can make our plans"), but God still controls it because He orders and directs the information our thought processes were based on to ensure that the choice we make is what He wills ("the Lord determines our steps"). Personal responsibility lies with the individual while fate and judgment remain in God's hands. For an elaboration on God's sovereignty, visit www.geocities.com/mattperman/sov.html

At this point, let me also clarify my view on adoption. Even though it is not what is best for our family at this time, I support and respect both internation and domestic adoption. Throughout the world, there are so many children who desire a loving family to call their own. I fervently pray for children in need, and we personally support a child in Tanzania. God willing, we may adopt a child into our family in the future.

Right now, God has given us personal assurance of our decision to proceed with IVF. He reassures us daily through His Word and by miraculously providing the means for this treatment. Further, the Lord provides encouragement through fellow members of the body of Christ. Funny as it may seem, the seemingly quarrelsome comment has led us to a deeper conviction in God directing us toward IVF. And so we will rest in God's assurance and put the outcome of this treatment in His hands.

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:7

Praise God that we are able to know God in a personal way. How wonderful that we may communicate with Him through prayer, worship and fellowship. Praise God that He reveals His will to us so uniquely through His living Word. And thank God for trials that both refine us and remind us of His unfailing grace, love and power. We humbly give God the glory for our successes (e.g., our daughter, increasing wisdom, strengthened faith, close friendships) and through our disappointments (e.g., miscarriages, financial strain, grief)...all of which display God's sovereignty and remind us of our complete dependence on Him.

"We ask God to give you complete knowledge of his will and to give you spiritual wisdom and understanding. Then the way you live will always honor and please the Lord, and your lives will produce every kind of good fruit. All the while, you will grow as you learn to know God better and better. We also pray that you will be strengthened with all his glorious power so you will have all the endurance and patience you need. May you be filled with joy, always thanking the Father. Colossians 1:8-10"

May God richly bless you and yours, Ramona

IVF 101

All systems are go! I completed my regimen of follicle stimulating medications last night. This evening, I inject HCG intramuscularly (yikes) to help the eggs prepare for release. Saturday is completely free from injections. And bright and early Sunday morning (6:00am) I go into the hospital for egg extraction.

As of yesterday, I had 26 measurable follicles that are steadily reaching maturity. According to the IVF team, not all follicles will contain an egg. But considering that the goal is 10-15 eggs, 26 follicles is an excellent place to start. Some women have only a few. Drs. Silber and Pineda will perform the extraction Sunday, and they'll tell me how many mature eggs were aspirated.

Then, on Monday afternoon, I will find out how many embryos resulted from the ICSI process. ICSI is intracytoplasmic sperm injection, in which each egg is fertilized with a single swimmer. For the next couple of days, the "pre-embryos" are given time for cell division.

On Wednesday, two of the remaining (some don't thrive) and most viable pre-embryos are transferred into my uterine lining. The rest are frozen (a non-technical term for a very elaborate medical process) for later use. God willing, the transfer will result in a pregnancy. If not, we will transfer two more frozen "snowflakes" as soon as possible.

IVF is such an amazing process. God has really allowed technology to do great things.

Please pray that the Lord will bless our IVF and grant us a child (or two). Wade and I truly appreciate your prayer and support.

Bless you! Ramona

HOPEFUL

Wade and I have been married for four years. Throughout that time, we have experienced countless blessings together. Although we've had our share of trials, our years have been quite beautiful. As our love has grown stronger, so grows our dream of a home filled with the laughter of children. Unfortunately, we have come to realize that having a large family may not be in God's plan for us. Early in our marriage we were diagnosed with unexplained infertility. We yearned for a child and experienced a great deal of grief and disappointment each month that passed with no result. After undergoing fertility treatments for over a year and enduring a miscarriage, we were finally blessed with a precious daughter in 2004.

At this point, we have been "trying" for almost two years, with another miscarriage in 2005. Two years may not seem like a long time, but specialists in this field agree that a woman of my age (34) should conceive within one year. We have been working with a highly regarded specialist since January, 2006, and we have exhausted every treatment option except for In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). After much prayer and deliberation, we have decided to undergo IVF. We are currently scheduled for the procedures (egg retrieval and embryo transfer) on December 17 and 20th, respectively. We are very fortunate that our IVF specialist is considered one of the best in the world, and his medical center is located here in St. Louis at St. Luke's Hospital.

IVF is a very intense process. It can be (and usually is) emotionally and physically taxing, and the financial strain is almost overwhelming for a family on a budget. For those of you who don't know, IVF is very expensive ($14-18,000, depending on the medication needs) with around a 50% chance for success. It is a huge risk, but we know it will be worth it. I wouldn't trade my Liliana for the world, and we already feel that way about future children.

I have already begun taking oral and injectable medications to get my cycle aligned with the target dates. On Dec. 4th, I begin two more meds which will stimulate follicle (egg) growth. Daily monitoring by ultrasound and bloodwork begins on Dec. 8th. [Forgive me if this is TMI (too much information), but it comes with the territory. I am now an expert in a field I never intended to master.] I will try to provide daily updates on this site--for both informational and cathartic purposes. Feel free to leave comments, questions and words of encouragement! So far, my emotions have been steady...but I know from months past that the hormones can send me on an emotional rollercoaster. Poor Wade! He has been so supportive and loving throughout this trial. I thank the Lord for him every day.

Thank you for joining me in this process. Your thoughts and well-wishes are truly appreciated!

Blessings,
Ramona