This morning--with great expectation--we named our baby girl Leila Madeline. For us, giving her a name emotionally secured her place in our family. We referred to her by name throughout the day, and it felt so good...and right.
Several hours later, we learned of complications that may seriously jeopardize the adoption. Our social worker classified the situation as "highly, highly risky" and recommended that we reconsider our plans to bring Leila home from the hospital (and instead, place her in interim foster care). We are deeply saddened by this turn of events, and turn to the Lord for guidance, wisdom and a miraculous outcome.
As we try to make sense of this disappointing news, I know in my heart that God's plan is good (even if it feels rotten right now). I think to myself (wishfully, perhaps), "Maybe this is a crazy blessing in disguise. Or maybe this is His way of adding more drama to heighten the impact of a happy ending." Maybe. Hopefully.
It's time to pray boldly. Please pray that Leila comes home to us and that this recent development is an unexpected means to that end. Please pray for our hearts. We want to be faithful and trusting, We want to pray that His will be done. But at the same time, we don't feel ready for the impact of another loss. Quite honestly, we're tired of grieving. Our family is incomplete, and we're painfully aware of it every day.
Thank you for walking along side us,
Ramona
Showing posts with label Yearning. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Yearning. Show all posts
Monday, June 23, 2008
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Careening
For the past few days, my emotions have been careening between pure elation and unsettling doubt & fear. Although I'd love to keep living in bliss, I know that's not a realistic residence for an adoptive mama-to-be. At this point, I'll settle for a happy medium of cautious optimism.
The negative onslaught of feelings is due to the realization that we could be setting ourselves up for a monumental loss. The birthbather could assert his rights or Dana could change her mind. I've always known it, but I've been applying the knowledge to "birthparents in general," not our baby's birthparents. According to our social worker, about one third of adoptions fall through because the parents change their minds.
If Dana chose to parent, I'd experience a certain amount of happiness for her... but the rest of me would be utterly devastated. It would be another loss...and another period of grief. And I don't think I could handle losing another child. So, I'm trying to prepare myself without getting overwhelmed by fear. This is a difficult situation to reconcile, a major exercise in trusing God and remembering that His plan is perfect. After all, it's not my will, but Thy will be done. Please pray for my heart!
That being said, we continue to lift up the health and development of our baby and her birthmother. She is due two weeks from tomorrow!
The negative onslaught of feelings is due to the realization that we could be setting ourselves up for a monumental loss. The birthbather could assert his rights or Dana could change her mind. I've always known it, but I've been applying the knowledge to "birthparents in general," not our baby's birthparents. According to our social worker, about one third of adoptions fall through because the parents change their minds.
If Dana chose to parent, I'd experience a certain amount of happiness for her... but the rest of me would be utterly devastated. It would be another loss...and another period of grief. And I don't think I could handle losing another child. So, I'm trying to prepare myself without getting overwhelmed by fear. This is a difficult situation to reconcile, a major exercise in trusing God and remembering that His plan is perfect. After all, it's not my will, but Thy will be done. Please pray for my heart!
That being said, we continue to lift up the health and development of our baby and her birthmother. She is due two weeks from tomorrow!
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Adoption Excitement
I am thrilled to report that Wade and I submitted our profile for another adoption situation. This one is very exciting for us--a healthy baby girl with good prenatal care and no drug exposure during the pregnancy. And we'll be one of only 19 families considered by the expectant parents. Much better odds than the more difficult situation we accepted (which we assume wasn't a match after two weeks of silence).
Our prayer is that God brings our little one home soon. Our hearts are bursting to love and care for another child, and Liliana is ready to welcome her brother or sister.
Blessings all around,
Ramona
Our prayer is that God brings our little one home soon. Our hearts are bursting to love and care for another child, and Liliana is ready to welcome her brother or sister.
Blessings all around,
Ramona
Sunday, October 21, 2007
The Road Ahead
Here are dear friends, Jenna and Allison, at a "welcome back" gathering this weekend. No, Wade and I did not undergo an accelerated adoption (or steal a baby)--I'm holding Jenna's sweet Jillian.
But since you brought it up (nudge, nudge- wink, wink)...we are one step closer to the child God has planned for our family. That's right! We submitted our formal application to Bethany Christian Services, and we've been accepted! We are now in the process of completing our home study, and we're very excited about the road ahead.
I would have mentioned this tiny detail a couple weeks ago, but we wanted to share the news with our families before making it "public." We have prayerfully considered and carefully researched adoption, and we are thrilled that God has called us to this journey. The Lord gave me a heart for adoption very early in life (about the same age I decided to call the 1-800 number to sponsor a child in Africa and found out that 10-year-olds aren't allowed to use their parents' credit cards). I am so grateful that my husband understands the Biblical basis for this ministry and what a gift it is to adopt one of God's children into our family.
We know that the journey may be difficult at times. The road to adoption can be bumpy and long (typically 2-3 years). And every child--biological or chosen--comes with his or her own special challenges. We know that quite well! And just as God set apart Liliana for our family and entrusted her into our care, He has ordained the other children that belong in our family. We have no doubt that we will love and treasure our adopted child(ren) just as much as we adore Liliana. Our hearts are bursting!
We are overjoyed to be sharing this news with you, and we would love to hear your thoughts about adoption...especially if you have a personal testimony you'd like to share! We pray that our family and friends will support and encourage us as we embark on this journey.
May you be richly blessed in the coming week. ~Ramona
Thursday, September 27, 2007
The Excitement is Building
I am getting so excited about adoption that I can hardly sleep at night. I lie awake contemplating the details...what our future child might look like and when s/he will come into our family. I know it is a huge sacrifice, but it is the biggest gift of love I could ever wish to give. My heart is 100% prepared for this undertaking, and I'm ready to move forward with this process!
As we put the final touches on our family profile, I pray that God will lead the right birthparent to us. Our hearts are overjoyed at the prospect of loving another child as our own, and I look forward to the day we bring that baby into our lives.
I'd like to share an article about adoption...
Why should Christians consider adoption?
First, God is the creator of life. Every child, born and unborn, is created in His image and therefore has intrinsic worth! While the church has for many years championed the cause of the unborn through pro-life activity, it has not been nearly as supportive in finding homes for the newborn children of these crisis pregnancies. In fact, this is often one of the charges leveled by so-called pro-choice advocates! Adoption completes the cycle of a true pro-life position. If we are going to be pro-life, we must also be "pro-adoption!"
Second, adoption is good for a child. Through adoption a child gains the opportunity to live in a two-parent home with a loving mother and father. Through adoption these little ones are introduced to the loving embrace of Jesus Christ, affecting them for eternity. Practically speaking, adoptive homes are more likely to be stable, loving, and economically secure than the average home. Adoption gives a child an outstanding opportunity for success in life!
Third, adoption is good for the birth mother. The damage done to women through abortion is truly horrible. Post-abortion stress syndrome affects tens of thousand of women, making them vulnerable to many physical and psychological illnesses. But worse than these problems is the weight of guilt that many women bear for years due to the taking of the life of their unborn child. Studies show that birth fathers suffer many of the same difficulties. By making adoption more common, more women will choose to place their children into the permanent embrace of a loving Christian home.
Finally, adoption is good for the adoptive family. Parenting is a very strong and God-given desire for most couples. Yet many cannot conceive. In addition, many older couples are choosing to raise a "second family" after their biological children have left the house. These couples have a tremendous capacity of love and strongly desire to become adoptive parents. They are committed to giving a child a loving and permanent home through adoption.
When Christians adopt, we demonstrate love to the watching world. We show love not only in word, but also in action. When we adopt, we choose to give our life away. After all, adoption is expensive; it is inconvenient; and finally, it lasts a lifetime!
Why would we do this? Very simple: "We love because he first loved us." (1 John 4:19). Isn't it is time for Christians to realize that our lives are not our own?
Now is the time for the Church to rise up and take seriously the Biblical mandate of James 1:27 "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to care for orphans and widows in their distress..."
More and more followers of Christ are choosing to adopt. They do so carefully and intentionally after counsel and much prayer. It is not an easy decision for many believers, but it is very often the right decision. Jesus says, "I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these my brothers you did it for me." (Matthew 25:40).
May you be blessed by these strong, truth-filled words. ~Ramona
As we put the final touches on our family profile, I pray that God will lead the right birthparent to us. Our hearts are overjoyed at the prospect of loving another child as our own, and I look forward to the day we bring that baby into our lives.
I'd like to share an article about adoption...
Why should Christians consider adoption?
First, God is the creator of life. Every child, born and unborn, is created in His image and therefore has intrinsic worth! While the church has for many years championed the cause of the unborn through pro-life activity, it has not been nearly as supportive in finding homes for the newborn children of these crisis pregnancies. In fact, this is often one of the charges leveled by so-called pro-choice advocates! Adoption completes the cycle of a true pro-life position. If we are going to be pro-life, we must also be "pro-adoption!"
Second, adoption is good for a child. Through adoption a child gains the opportunity to live in a two-parent home with a loving mother and father. Through adoption these little ones are introduced to the loving embrace of Jesus Christ, affecting them for eternity. Practically speaking, adoptive homes are more likely to be stable, loving, and economically secure than the average home. Adoption gives a child an outstanding opportunity for success in life!
Third, adoption is good for the birth mother. The damage done to women through abortion is truly horrible. Post-abortion stress syndrome affects tens of thousand of women, making them vulnerable to many physical and psychological illnesses. But worse than these problems is the weight of guilt that many women bear for years due to the taking of the life of their unborn child. Studies show that birth fathers suffer many of the same difficulties. By making adoption more common, more women will choose to place their children into the permanent embrace of a loving Christian home.
Finally, adoption is good for the adoptive family. Parenting is a very strong and God-given desire for most couples. Yet many cannot conceive. In addition, many older couples are choosing to raise a "second family" after their biological children have left the house. These couples have a tremendous capacity of love and strongly desire to become adoptive parents. They are committed to giving a child a loving and permanent home through adoption.
When Christians adopt, we demonstrate love to the watching world. We show love not only in word, but also in action. When we adopt, we choose to give our life away. After all, adoption is expensive; it is inconvenient; and finally, it lasts a lifetime!
Why would we do this? Very simple: "We love because he first loved us." (1 John 4:19). Isn't it is time for Christians to realize that our lives are not our own?
Now is the time for the Church to rise up and take seriously the Biblical mandate of James 1:27 "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to care for orphans and widows in their distress..."
More and more followers of Christ are choosing to adopt. They do so carefully and intentionally after counsel and much prayer. It is not an easy decision for many believers, but it is very often the right decision. Jesus says, "I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these my brothers you did it for me." (Matthew 25:40).
May you be blessed by these strong, truth-filled words. ~Ramona
Friday, September 07, 2007
Nesting?
My mission to organize and streamline our house continues! I don't know what's gotten into me. Maybe God instilled a nesting instinct for some purpose down the road. I sure hope so!
Friday, August 31, 2007
O Child, Where Art Thou?!
With each passing day, my heart is filled with a greater desire to adopt a child. I still yearn for another biological son or daughter, but I am no longer wrapped up in my stuggle with infertility. I know that God has the ability to bless us with another miraculous child in His perfect timing. With that knowledge, I plan to prepare my body and pray that He grants us a natural pregnancy.
In the meantime, Wade and I continue to research adoption. We are certain that little ones are missing from our family, and it is quite possible that one may come to us through the gift of adoption. There is no doubt that loving an orphaned child is an admirable life-long ministry. Now we are prayerfully considering whether it is the right choice for us at this time in our lives. Should we choose to move forward, utilizing an adoption agency would be a wise, but financially challenging undertaking. We have so much to think about! Please pray that the Lord will guide us and provide accordingly.
Thanks a million to those who have offered information and encouragement. We sincerely appreciate it!
Blessings, Ramona
In the meantime, Wade and I continue to research adoption. We are certain that little ones are missing from our family, and it is quite possible that one may come to us through the gift of adoption. There is no doubt that loving an orphaned child is an admirable life-long ministry. Now we are prayerfully considering whether it is the right choice for us at this time in our lives. Should we choose to move forward, utilizing an adoption agency would be a wise, but financially challenging undertaking. We have so much to think about! Please pray that the Lord will guide us and provide accordingly.
Thanks a million to those who have offered information and encouragement. We sincerely appreciate it!
Blessings, Ramona
Friday, August 17, 2007
Funky Friday
I've been in a funk lately. I guess that's why I haven't written the past few days. It takes too much energy to think, let alone write. Not only is my energy level in the tank, but so is my interest level. Today I stayed in my PJs 'til 10:30am. Normally, I walk at least a mile and do a fair amount of housework by that time.
I toss and turn all night, and I feel like sleeping all day. If it weren't for events already on the calendar, I don't know if I would have done anything this week. I know it's just grief rearing its annoying head in unexpected ways, but I'm having a difficult time snapping out of it. I suspect that part of the issue is the fact that there's been no closure with my Gram's death. She did not want a funeral, so we're going to have a memorial (of sorts) at some point this year. It's hard to move on while waiting for a tangible event to commemorate her life.
The other aspect at play here is being in limbo with plans for future children. All along, I've been in the midst of treatment, looking forward to a certain date for IUI, IVF, etc. Now we're just researching and waiting for God's timing...and we're not doing anything. I need to do something, or at least know which direction we're heading.
This is a difficult process, and it's confounded by multiple losses. You'd think I'd be a pro at handling grief by now. Although I am getting used to the feeling, it's not getting any easier. Please pray for us...that we will know the Lord's will and that our hearts will be ready for His call.
I'm praying for peace, contentment and the desire to get out of bed. Blessings, Ramona
I toss and turn all night, and I feel like sleeping all day. If it weren't for events already on the calendar, I don't know if I would have done anything this week. I know it's just grief rearing its annoying head in unexpected ways, but I'm having a difficult time snapping out of it. I suspect that part of the issue is the fact that there's been no closure with my Gram's death. She did not want a funeral, so we're going to have a memorial (of sorts) at some point this year. It's hard to move on while waiting for a tangible event to commemorate her life.
The other aspect at play here is being in limbo with plans for future children. All along, I've been in the midst of treatment, looking forward to a certain date for IUI, IVF, etc. Now we're just researching and waiting for God's timing...and we're not doing anything. I need to do something, or at least know which direction we're heading.
This is a difficult process, and it's confounded by multiple losses. You'd think I'd be a pro at handling grief by now. Although I am getting used to the feeling, it's not getting any easier. Please pray for us...that we will know the Lord's will and that our hearts will be ready for His call.
I'm praying for peace, contentment and the desire to get out of bed. Blessings, Ramona
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Weathering the Storm
This has been a tough Tuesday. Wade's parents left for Mississippi this morning, leaving us alone with our day-to-day life and the stark reality that our attempts to expand our family have once again failed.
All day, I've been feeling like someone I dearly love has died. And when I examine the situation, I realize that not only am I dealing with the loss of two beloved children, but I am also grieving the death of a desire. My plans have been shattered so many times that I wonder if our dream for a large family will ever come true. Yet, somehow I still have hope...and hope is a very powerful thing.
Wade and I agree that our family is not complete. We know that someone is missing...that there's another child who belongs in our home. Unfortunately, we have no idea who this precious one is. Will we have a miraculous pregnancy when we least expect it? Or will our missing child be put up for adoption by another family? Right now, all we can do is research our options and pray for the Lord's guidance as we continue to walk through this refining fire.
This loss has created yet another opportunity for me to search my heart and mind, and to test my priorities. As I dig down deep, I find more strength and perseverance than I knew I had. And I realize that what matters more to me than almost everything on earth is loving my family. Without a doubt, my strength and my desire come directly from Almighty God. He is bringing me through this storm with grace I never imagined.
Thanks be to God for joy in the midst of pain. Blessings, Ramona
All day, I've been feeling like someone I dearly love has died. And when I examine the situation, I realize that not only am I dealing with the loss of two beloved children, but I am also grieving the death of a desire. My plans have been shattered so many times that I wonder if our dream for a large family will ever come true. Yet, somehow I still have hope...and hope is a very powerful thing.
Wade and I agree that our family is not complete. We know that someone is missing...that there's another child who belongs in our home. Unfortunately, we have no idea who this precious one is. Will we have a miraculous pregnancy when we least expect it? Or will our missing child be put up for adoption by another family? Right now, all we can do is research our options and pray for the Lord's guidance as we continue to walk through this refining fire.
This loss has created yet another opportunity for me to search my heart and mind, and to test my priorities. As I dig down deep, I find more strength and perseverance than I knew I had. And I realize that what matters more to me than almost everything on earth is loving my family. Without a doubt, my strength and my desire come directly from Almighty God. He is bringing me through this storm with grace I never imagined.
Thanks be to God for joy in the midst of pain. Blessings, Ramona
Friday, June 15, 2007
In the Refining Fire
Today was the fourth consecutive day that someone at the pool asked me, "Is Liliana your only child?" Each time, I smiled and casually responded, "Yes, but not for lack of trying!"
And although I am able to jokingly play off the fact that we only have one child, my heart is constantly plagued with a dull ache of longing for the children I have lost. I feel deep sadness that Liliana does not have a sibling. And my desire for another child has not subsided during this long wait. Instead, it seems to intensify with each passing day.
Today, my sister-in-law sent me this story. She didn't know it, but the content was exactly what I needed. God knew, and He delivered it to me at just the right moment.
Malachi 3:3 says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."
This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God. One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.
That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver.
As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needs to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.
The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver." She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined.
The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.
The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?" He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it."
If today you are feeling the heat of the fire , remember that God is holding you tightly and He is watching closely to see His image in you.
God allows us to walk through the refining fire so that we may glorify Him while being refined and purified. Although it has been extremely painful, this battle with infertility has been a beautiful opportunity to become more like my Savior. And for that, I am truly grateful.
Resting in His perfect timing,
Ramona
And although I am able to jokingly play off the fact that we only have one child, my heart is constantly plagued with a dull ache of longing for the children I have lost. I feel deep sadness that Liliana does not have a sibling. And my desire for another child has not subsided during this long wait. Instead, it seems to intensify with each passing day.
Today, my sister-in-law sent me this story. She didn't know it, but the content was exactly what I needed. God knew, and He delivered it to me at just the right moment.
Malachi 3:3 says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."
This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God. One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.
That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver.
As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needs to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.
The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver." She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined.
The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.
The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?" He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it."
If today you are feeling the heat of the fire , remember that God is holding you tightly and He is watching closely to see His image in you.
God allows us to walk through the refining fire so that we may glorify Him while being refined and purified. Although it has been extremely painful, this battle with infertility has been a beautiful opportunity to become more like my Savior. And for that, I am truly grateful.
Resting in His perfect timing,
Ramona
Friday, March 30, 2007
Love and Longing
I've always felt that parenthood gets sweeter with each passing day. Today is no exception. Liliana and I have been experiencing a closer bond than ever. She is communicating so well and her little personality is blossoming in technicolor. She is so imaginative, humorous and innovative--and I am enjoying this stage in her development more than any other.
As I observe these amazing changes in my daughter, my longing for another child continues to grow. I so desire to love and encourage another little one, and I pray that God grants me the opportunity to do so.
I am beginning to experience anxiety about our upcoming IVF...fear that we will go through all of the physical, emotional and financial sacrifice for nothing. Just when I feel like I've put complete trust in the Lord, nervous feelings creep in and take hold. Obviously I need to work on resting in the Lord. Please pray that I would have peace and total faith during this process.
In His hands, Ramona
As I observe these amazing changes in my daughter, my longing for another child continues to grow. I so desire to love and encourage another little one, and I pray that God grants me the opportunity to do so.
I am beginning to experience anxiety about our upcoming IVF...fear that we will go through all of the physical, emotional and financial sacrifice for nothing. Just when I feel like I've put complete trust in the Lord, nervous feelings creep in and take hold. Obviously I need to work on resting in the Lord. Please pray that I would have peace and total faith during this process.
In His hands, Ramona
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Helpful Information about Miscarriage
I found this article a couple weeks ago, and found it to be a quite accurate description with appropriate advice. It wasn't copyrighted, but I'll add the credits when I find the site again. I thought it would be helpful for those who would like to understand what it's like for people who experience a miscarriage. It's a good follow-up to yesterday's post about my difficulty attending a baby shower. Here goes:
The death of an unborn baby is a unique loss that involves unique grief. After a miscarriage, many women describe a great sense of emptiness. Ultrasound pictures may be the only tangible evidence that you have to document that you “really were pregnant.”
Because technology today allows women to know very early on when they are pregnant, the bonding process starts early. Dreams and fantasizes begin as you imagine your life with a baby. Yet with a miscarriage, there is often nothing tangible to grieve. It is an invisible loss.
You may dream and fantasize about being pregnant for weeks after the loss. Anger and depression are common, and questions such as, "Why me?" may surface. It is common to want answers even though none may exist. Anger may be directed at the doctor, feeling that he or she could have done more or at least have been more concerned.
Guilt is one of the most common post-miscarriage feelings. You may wonder if something you did caused the event. Many women ask, "Did I exercise too much?” or, “What did I eat that might have caused this?" In truth, such factors are rarely, if ever, the cause of a miscarriage.
When you have had a miscarriage you need to grieve several things: the baby, the pregnancy and your hopes and dreams about how this pregnancy would have changed your life. This is particularly hard to do when the loss occurs early in the pregnancy. There may have been few physical changes, and only a few family members or friends aware that you were pregnant. If the loss occurred later in a pregnancy, you may have something tangible to help you grieve, such as ultrasound pictures and celebration cards or you may have felt the baby move.
Grief takes time; it peaks and fades. Certain events can trigger its intensity such as going back to work, getting your period, making love again, and anniversaries of the miscarriage and birth date. Often grief is triggered by holidays such as Mother’s Day or Father’s Day or when a friend gives birth.
Grief has several stages. The initial feelings are usually shock and denial followed by the feelings of being out of control and very vulnerable, including thoughts about your own death and how short life is. Anger, irritability and mood swings are very normal. Sadness, loneliness and emptiness may be intense, and depression is not uncommon. Feelings about other losses may resurface. If these feelings impact your sleeping, eating, working and ability to cope everyday, seeing a therapist is important and helpful.
Men and women often react differently to the trauma of a miscarriage. Many men feel they must be strong and protect their wives from their own feelings of loss and sadness. Others are more concerned about the medical and emotional health of their wife and spend much of their energy trying to “make it better.” Society tends to reinforce this; often others only ask how the woman is doing, not the expectant father. In most cases it helps if a man can show his sadness to his partner.
It will not make her feel worse and will lessen any sense of isolation or feelings that this was more important to her than to him. If a husband avoids the topic the wife may feel that he is emotionally abandoning her. Remember that you may each react in individual ways; one may be actively grieving while the other gives support and later the roles may reverse. Talk about what is the hardest part for each of you, and tell your partner what they can do to help you through this difficult time. Grief is a lonely and individual experience, but you can support and not judge each other as you navigate the waves of sadness, anger and vulnerability of grief.
Talking about how to memorialize the loss of your baby and pregnancy can be helpful. Suggestions from other couples include: plant a shrub or tree; place a special stone in your garden; write a poem or share your written thoughts; buy a piece of jewelry with the baby’s birthstone; or make a donation in acknowledgment of the loss.
Following a miscarriage, you may be surprised at how envious and jealous you are of woman who are pregnant or who are parenting. You may feel like a bad person when these feelings erupt but you need to understand that this is a common response following a pregnancy loss. You will not always feel this way, but for a time you may need to protect yourself from situations that increase your pain or envy.
Family and friends often will unknowingly say all the wrong things to a couple who has recently lost a pregnancy. Society has no rituals to address this kind of loss or to acknowledge the couple's grief. With an early miscarriage they may have been unaware that you were pregnant and may just focus on that. If you have another child at home they may say you are lucky to have at least one. Others may say it was nature’s way of preventing a child with defects from being born. They may tell you were lucky to get pregnant and after a certain amount of time expect you to “get over it.”
None of these responses are comforting when you have lost a longed-for child. Often people are embarrassed and don’t know how to address others’ feelings of sadness. They may feel uncomfortable talking about intimate feelings or it may set off some personal feelings of loss. It is important you select people to talk with who will be supportive and understanding. If people say unhelpful things, be direct and say, “We lost a baby and we need you to understand how awful this is for us.”
If you have other children, this can be a confusing and frightening time for them. If you were hospitalized it is important to reassure them that are better now, and if they see you emotional tell them that it is because you are sad. Young children need to be reassured that you love and treasure them. If they are old enough to know that you were pregnant, they need to be told that the baby will not be coming. Your explanations will be different depending on their ages, to meet their level of understanding.
Just as it took time to adjust to the idea of being pregnant, it may take time to adjust to the non-pregnant state. There is a tendency for people to feel that they must get on with life and not focus on sad events and feelings. But, in truth, grieving is a process and healing is a process; with them, emotions ebb and flow. On some days or weeks you may feel fine; on others, you may feel sad and depressed. Allow yourself to go through the various stages, and surround yourself with supportive and encouraging people.
Your miscarriage may cause you to wonder if and when you will ever be able to have a child. The answer to this question may cause completely new sorrow and a life-long grief process. Seek the wisdom of medical professionals to learn your options, and consider counseling to help you through the decision-making process. Just remember: you are not alone. There are many support networks available online and in your community.
The death of an unborn baby is a unique loss that involves unique grief. After a miscarriage, many women describe a great sense of emptiness. Ultrasound pictures may be the only tangible evidence that you have to document that you “really were pregnant.”
Because technology today allows women to know very early on when they are pregnant, the bonding process starts early. Dreams and fantasizes begin as you imagine your life with a baby. Yet with a miscarriage, there is often nothing tangible to grieve. It is an invisible loss.
You may dream and fantasize about being pregnant for weeks after the loss. Anger and depression are common, and questions such as, "Why me?" may surface. It is common to want answers even though none may exist. Anger may be directed at the doctor, feeling that he or she could have done more or at least have been more concerned.
Guilt is one of the most common post-miscarriage feelings. You may wonder if something you did caused the event. Many women ask, "Did I exercise too much?” or, “What did I eat that might have caused this?" In truth, such factors are rarely, if ever, the cause of a miscarriage.
When you have had a miscarriage you need to grieve several things: the baby, the pregnancy and your hopes and dreams about how this pregnancy would have changed your life. This is particularly hard to do when the loss occurs early in the pregnancy. There may have been few physical changes, and only a few family members or friends aware that you were pregnant. If the loss occurred later in a pregnancy, you may have something tangible to help you grieve, such as ultrasound pictures and celebration cards or you may have felt the baby move.
Grief takes time; it peaks and fades. Certain events can trigger its intensity such as going back to work, getting your period, making love again, and anniversaries of the miscarriage and birth date. Often grief is triggered by holidays such as Mother’s Day or Father’s Day or when a friend gives birth.
Grief has several stages. The initial feelings are usually shock and denial followed by the feelings of being out of control and very vulnerable, including thoughts about your own death and how short life is. Anger, irritability and mood swings are very normal. Sadness, loneliness and emptiness may be intense, and depression is not uncommon. Feelings about other losses may resurface. If these feelings impact your sleeping, eating, working and ability to cope everyday, seeing a therapist is important and helpful.
Men and women often react differently to the trauma of a miscarriage. Many men feel they must be strong and protect their wives from their own feelings of loss and sadness. Others are more concerned about the medical and emotional health of their wife and spend much of their energy trying to “make it better.” Society tends to reinforce this; often others only ask how the woman is doing, not the expectant father. In most cases it helps if a man can show his sadness to his partner.
It will not make her feel worse and will lessen any sense of isolation or feelings that this was more important to her than to him. If a husband avoids the topic the wife may feel that he is emotionally abandoning her. Remember that you may each react in individual ways; one may be actively grieving while the other gives support and later the roles may reverse. Talk about what is the hardest part for each of you, and tell your partner what they can do to help you through this difficult time. Grief is a lonely and individual experience, but you can support and not judge each other as you navigate the waves of sadness, anger and vulnerability of grief.
Talking about how to memorialize the loss of your baby and pregnancy can be helpful. Suggestions from other couples include: plant a shrub or tree; place a special stone in your garden; write a poem or share your written thoughts; buy a piece of jewelry with the baby’s birthstone; or make a donation in acknowledgment of the loss.
Following a miscarriage, you may be surprised at how envious and jealous you are of woman who are pregnant or who are parenting. You may feel like a bad person when these feelings erupt but you need to understand that this is a common response following a pregnancy loss. You will not always feel this way, but for a time you may need to protect yourself from situations that increase your pain or envy.
Family and friends often will unknowingly say all the wrong things to a couple who has recently lost a pregnancy. Society has no rituals to address this kind of loss or to acknowledge the couple's grief. With an early miscarriage they may have been unaware that you were pregnant and may just focus on that. If you have another child at home they may say you are lucky to have at least one. Others may say it was nature’s way of preventing a child with defects from being born. They may tell you were lucky to get pregnant and after a certain amount of time expect you to “get over it.”
None of these responses are comforting when you have lost a longed-for child. Often people are embarrassed and don’t know how to address others’ feelings of sadness. They may feel uncomfortable talking about intimate feelings or it may set off some personal feelings of loss. It is important you select people to talk with who will be supportive and understanding. If people say unhelpful things, be direct and say, “We lost a baby and we need you to understand how awful this is for us.”
If you have other children, this can be a confusing and frightening time for them. If you were hospitalized it is important to reassure them that are better now, and if they see you emotional tell them that it is because you are sad. Young children need to be reassured that you love and treasure them. If they are old enough to know that you were pregnant, they need to be told that the baby will not be coming. Your explanations will be different depending on their ages, to meet their level of understanding.
Just as it took time to adjust to the idea of being pregnant, it may take time to adjust to the non-pregnant state. There is a tendency for people to feel that they must get on with life and not focus on sad events and feelings. But, in truth, grieving is a process and healing is a process; with them, emotions ebb and flow. On some days or weeks you may feel fine; on others, you may feel sad and depressed. Allow yourself to go through the various stages, and surround yourself with supportive and encouraging people.
Your miscarriage may cause you to wonder if and when you will ever be able to have a child. The answer to this question may cause completely new sorrow and a life-long grief process. Seek the wisdom of medical professionals to learn your options, and consider counseling to help you through the decision-making process. Just remember: you are not alone. There are many support networks available online and in your community.
Friday, February 02, 2007
Updates
Grammy Joy is in St. Louis for a weekend visit. Liliana is so excited to play little people with her "Gammy Doey" all day. It's nice to have a few days of girl-time with my mama & Liliana while Wade works on projects around the house.
I saw Dr. Chao for my first osteopathic manipulation this morning. Apparently, just about every inch of my back, neck and hips were out of alignment due to my unexpected trip on Tuesday. After about 30 minutes and countless snaps, crackles and pops...my body was back in business. I have to go in for weekly treatments to make sure the constant muscle spasms don't pull things in the wrong direction. The medications are doing a fabulous job of keeping the pain to a minimum. And, much to my delight, I actually slept last night and during nap time today! Someone gimme an "Amen!"
A giant thank you to our neighborhood friends who surprised me with a basket of bath and body goodies. What a thoughtful gesture to lift our spirits! Stacy, Torie, Jen, Jami, Cathy, Mary Jo, Lindy, Lynda and Jess--you rock!
Congratulations to Monica and Ricardo on the birth of Andres Jose (my new nephew) on Wednesday. Congrats to Julie and John, who welcomed baby Christopher on Tuesday. We celebrate your growing family, and we pray the Lord will soon grant us the same gift.
Thanks again to you, our faithful blog readers, for your prayers and comments. Your support truly is helping us through this difficult time. Bless you!
I saw Dr. Chao for my first osteopathic manipulation this morning. Apparently, just about every inch of my back, neck and hips were out of alignment due to my unexpected trip on Tuesday. After about 30 minutes and countless snaps, crackles and pops...my body was back in business. I have to go in for weekly treatments to make sure the constant muscle spasms don't pull things in the wrong direction. The medications are doing a fabulous job of keeping the pain to a minimum. And, much to my delight, I actually slept last night and during nap time today! Someone gimme an "Amen!"
A giant thank you to our neighborhood friends who surprised me with a basket of bath and body goodies. What a thoughtful gesture to lift our spirits! Stacy, Torie, Jen, Jami, Cathy, Mary Jo, Lindy, Lynda and Jess--you rock!
Congratulations to Monica and Ricardo on the birth of Andres Jose (my new nephew) on Wednesday. Congrats to Julie and John, who welcomed baby Christopher on Tuesday. We celebrate your growing family, and we pray the Lord will soon grant us the same gift.
Thanks again to you, our faithful blog readers, for your prayers and comments. Your support truly is helping us through this difficult time. Bless you!
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Bittersweet News and a Thankful Heart
As we continue to grieve the loss of our third child, my sister, Monica, just gave birth to her second son. Both Monica and Russell (my brother) are several years younger than me (4 and 5 1/2 years, respectively), and neither has had a single problem with fertility. At this point, they each have two children.
Of course, I love my siblings dearly and feel joy for their growing families. At the same time, however, celebrating with them is bittersweet for me. I guess you could say it brings many years of suffering and disappointment to the forefront. And right now, my pain is already as fresh and raw as it gets. If it weren't for this funny little character building a lego tower next to me, I don't know what I'd do. Thank the Lord for Liliana! She is truly our little miracle.
I'm also very thankful for the beautiful women in our church family. Last night I attended a social event to welcome our new pastor's wife (who is just fabulous). Throughout the evening, my heart was warmed by the encouragement and support I received from women I respect and admire. It was such an uplifting experience. I feel so blessed to be a part of a godly community of gals who love one another so well.
A special thanks to our dear friends and fold elders, Barb and Cid, for the gourmet meal last night. We were so delighted to take a break from frozen dinners! Poor Wade and Liliana are ready for the home-cooked meals to begin again. Slowly, but surely, Mommy's getting back into the swing of things.
My back and neck are giving me a great deal of pain right now, making it difficult to take care of business. (I still can't believe I fell down the stairs!) Fortunately, I'm getting by with an lovely cocktail of Lorazepam, Darvocet and Vicodin. Tomorrow's doctor visit will give us a clearer picture of the damage, and we'll be able to devise a treatment plan. Hopefully we're not looking at a long, intensive therapy regimen. I'm ready for the drama to end!
Of course, I love my siblings dearly and feel joy for their growing families. At the same time, however, celebrating with them is bittersweet for me. I guess you could say it brings many years of suffering and disappointment to the forefront. And right now, my pain is already as fresh and raw as it gets. If it weren't for this funny little character building a lego tower next to me, I don't know what I'd do. Thank the Lord for Liliana! She is truly our little miracle.
I'm also very thankful for the beautiful women in our church family. Last night I attended a social event to welcome our new pastor's wife (who is just fabulous). Throughout the evening, my heart was warmed by the encouragement and support I received from women I respect and admire. It was such an uplifting experience. I feel so blessed to be a part of a godly community of gals who love one another so well.
A special thanks to our dear friends and fold elders, Barb and Cid, for the gourmet meal last night. We were so delighted to take a break from frozen dinners! Poor Wade and Liliana are ready for the home-cooked meals to begin again. Slowly, but surely, Mommy's getting back into the swing of things.
My back and neck are giving me a great deal of pain right now, making it difficult to take care of business. (I still can't believe I fell down the stairs!) Fortunately, I'm getting by with an lovely cocktail of Lorazepam, Darvocet and Vicodin. Tomorrow's doctor visit will give us a clearer picture of the damage, and we'll be able to devise a treatment plan. Hopefully we're not looking at a long, intensive therapy regimen. I'm ready for the drama to end!
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
HOPEFUL
Wade and I have been married for four years. Throughout that time, we have experienced countless blessings together. Although we've had our share of trials, our years have been quite beautiful. As our love has grown stronger, so grows our dream of a home filled with the laughter of children. Unfortunately, we have come to realize that having a large family may not be in God's plan for us. Early in our marriage we were diagnosed with unexplained infertility. We yearned for a child and experienced a great deal of grief and disappointment each month that passed with no result. After undergoing fertility treatments for over a year and enduring a miscarriage, we were finally blessed with a precious daughter in 2004.
At this point, we have been "trying" for almost two years, with another miscarriage in 2005. Two years may not seem like a long time, but specialists in this field agree that a woman of my age (34) should conceive within one year. We have been working with a highly regarded specialist since January, 2006, and we have exhausted every treatment option except for In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). After much prayer and deliberation, we have decided to undergo IVF. We are currently scheduled for the procedures (egg retrieval and embryo transfer) on December 17 and 20th, respectively. We are very fortunate that our IVF specialist is considered one of the best in the world, and his medical center is located here in St. Louis at St. Luke's Hospital.
IVF is a very intense process. It can be (and usually is) emotionally and physically taxing, and the financial strain is almost overwhelming for a family on a budget. For those of you who don't know, IVF is very expensive ($14-18,000, depending on the medication needs) with around a 50% chance for success. It is a huge risk, but we know it will be worth it. I wouldn't trade my Liliana for the world, and we already feel that way about future children.
I have already begun taking oral and injectable medications to get my cycle aligned with the target dates. On Dec. 4th, I begin two more meds which will stimulate follicle (egg) growth. Daily monitoring by ultrasound and bloodwork begins on Dec. 8th. [Forgive me if this is TMI (too much information), but it comes with the territory. I am now an expert in a field I never intended to master.] I will try to provide daily updates on this site--for both informational and cathartic purposes. Feel free to leave comments, questions and words of encouragement! So far, my emotions have been steady...but I know from months past that the hormones can send me on an emotional rollercoaster. Poor Wade! He has been so supportive and loving throughout this trial. I thank the Lord for him every day.
Thank you for joining me in this process. Your thoughts and well-wishes are truly appreciated!
Blessings,
Ramona
At this point, we have been "trying" for almost two years, with another miscarriage in 2005. Two years may not seem like a long time, but specialists in this field agree that a woman of my age (34) should conceive within one year. We have been working with a highly regarded specialist since January, 2006, and we have exhausted every treatment option except for In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). After much prayer and deliberation, we have decided to undergo IVF. We are currently scheduled for the procedures (egg retrieval and embryo transfer) on December 17 and 20th, respectively. We are very fortunate that our IVF specialist is considered one of the best in the world, and his medical center is located here in St. Louis at St. Luke's Hospital.
IVF is a very intense process. It can be (and usually is) emotionally and physically taxing, and the financial strain is almost overwhelming for a family on a budget. For those of you who don't know, IVF is very expensive ($14-18,000, depending on the medication needs) with around a 50% chance for success. It is a huge risk, but we know it will be worth it. I wouldn't trade my Liliana for the world, and we already feel that way about future children.
I have already begun taking oral and injectable medications to get my cycle aligned with the target dates. On Dec. 4th, I begin two more meds which will stimulate follicle (egg) growth. Daily monitoring by ultrasound and bloodwork begins on Dec. 8th. [Forgive me if this is TMI (too much information), but it comes with the territory. I am now an expert in a field I never intended to master.] I will try to provide daily updates on this site--for both informational and cathartic purposes. Feel free to leave comments, questions and words of encouragement! So far, my emotions have been steady...but I know from months past that the hormones can send me on an emotional rollercoaster. Poor Wade! He has been so supportive and loving throughout this trial. I thank the Lord for him every day.
Thank you for joining me in this process. Your thoughts and well-wishes are truly appreciated!
Blessings,
Ramona
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)