Moving Time

I'm in it...last minute! I can't believe the moment is finally approaching. We move this weekend! Although I'm sad to be leaving, I'm ready to get the move out of the way. I feel like we've been living in limbo for a month. Our bags are packed, but the house isn't quite ready for the moving company (who arrives tomorrow morning to pack our stuff). So much to do, so little time! Please pray for strength, stamina, guidance and joy as we make this transition.

Blessings to you!

Adoption Update:

Things are moving in the right direction...crawling at the pace of an old turtle.

When we brought Leila Madeline home (exactly four weeks ago), we knew that the risk period would last 60-90 days. [In our case, the risk is that Leila's birthfather could fight the process and cause the adoption to fall through. As for Leila's birthmother, she's totally on board--in fact, she's the co-captain. She chose our family and is committed to the adoption...and, we adore her and are happy that she is a part of our lives.]

As usual, Murphy's law has applied to our legal situation, and we will likely exceed the 90 day mark. Our attorney stated that it will be "about" (which probably means more than) 60 days from this point until the coveted court hearing, the proceeding that upgrades us from "foster-to-adopt" parents to adoptive parents. And it's much more than semantics. After the hearing, we will have full legal rights and be free to make decisions in every aspect of Leila's life.

Right now, we are bound by foster care guidelines. Some of the restrictions are fine, but others are a burden. Examples: we must have permission to travel, we're unable to take her to the pediatrician we know and trust (because she's on medicaid) and we must report every detail to a social worker. Coupled with the fact that we are just guardians in the eyes of the law, it's a constant struggle to really feel like Leila is our child.

We are 100% committed to Leila and the adoption process. We adore her and know she belongs in our family. But loving a child like our own, while also knowing that she could be ripped from our arms, is extremely stressful. I feel like I'm living with a 100 pound weight on my shoulders, and it's absolutely exhausting. I can't wait until this weight is lifted and I can just love this little girl and be her mommy.

This is a difficult journey, but I am thankful that God has led us down this road. Despite my fear and anxiety, I trust His plan. I pray that the Lord continues to give all of us strength, stamina and hope, while protecting this adoption and ensuring that Leila Madeline is home to stay.

May God bless you and yours,

Our New Normal

There's nothing like a trip to the beach to escape the stress of life, and there's nothing like coming home to relax after a long trip! We're so glad to be back to "normal" life--albeit a very new kind of normal.

Now that we're settled in, we're experiencing what it's really like to be a foursome. Leila Madeline is as sweet as ever, although she has definitely discovered the power of her vocal cords. She sleeps about 18 hours a day (often snuggled up to me in the ergo carrier--like right now). Wade is back to work, and Liliana is enjoying her typical daily activities. When Leila is awake, Liliana takes a break from her dolls (or bike or sandbox) to love on her little sister. As for me, I'm sleep-deprived and covered in spit-up, but the baby in my arms is worth every un-glamorous moment.

I am overjoyed to have two little girls, and I'm so thankful that God has entrusted us with Leila Madeline. She is a blessing to our family, but I must honestly say that adoption is a difficult road. The uncertainty of this process (particularly with the ongoing risk) continues to weigh on me--day in and day out. I try to place my trust in God and put my anxieties aside, but it's much easier said than done. The uneasy feeling is always present--and probably will be for the next 45-75 days (depending on how things unfold)--and it's so hard to just enjoy the moment.

Please pray that Leila is home to stay and that our hearts would know peace and comfort in the midst of this stressful process. Also, please lift up Leila's birthmother, Dana, and her family as they continue to adjust to their new normal. I think about them often and look forward to their role in our child's life.

Despite the inescapable uncertainty, this is an intriguing and beautiful adoption story...and what an amazing Author! All glory and praise to our loving God.

OPT: Day Three

Day three of OPT has been a success. Although my big girl had one big (and messy) accident at naptime, the rest of the day was perfect. Wade and I are so thankful that this transition has been relatively smooth.

It seems that our biggest challenge will be nap & bedtime. While we want to honor her requests to go potty before bed--and the first hour or so thereafter--we're finding that she asks five or six times before falling asleep. The frequent and unproductive trips are testing our patience (the cabin fever doesn't help), but we don't want to say no when she may really have to go. It's difficult to know where to draw the line. Seasoned parents, feel free to weigh in.

Thankful and exhausted,
Ramona

Hustle and Bustle

Do you ever feel like you're juggling so many projects that you need to pull a college all-nighter to catch up? I do. Between new clients, adoption preparations, household duties, event planning, Christmas shopping and caring for family & friends, I'm continually moving and shaking! Now I'm trying to add Christmas photos & cards to the mix. This is a busy season, alright! And I love it, every single stressful moment! 'Tis the Season!

Pins and Needles

I'm still waiting for the results of my blood test, and I'm a wreck! The lab is supposed to send the results to the doctor's office within two hours, and it's now approaching three. I've called Dr. Silber twice with shaking hands and a knotted stomach, just to hear, "The results aren't in yet." Agony!

Please pray for a positive test result and a healthy baby! ~Ramona

Blessings All Around

Thank the Lord for answered prayer on every front! First, our FET went smoothly. Both embryos survived the thawing process and looked good. Praise the Lord! The transfer was a little more uncomfortable than previous procedures, but there were no complications. God willing, the embryos will implant within the next few days. Now I must assume I'm pregnant and act accordingly. Goodbye caffeine, hello calcium!

Second, we are living in a cool home, thanks to Mr. late night A/C repair man. What a relief! Under normal circumstances, we would have been able to tough out a week or two with no air (after all, we survived 10 days of post-Katrina hardship in Mississippi). But we have a great deal riding on this procedure, so we opted for immediate comfort. Looks like our 20-year-old A/C unit has exhausted it's 14-year life expectancy. Ahhh, the fun of being a homeowner.

Next, Liliana's health is steadily improving. She is sleeping through the night, although she cried for me once last night because her stuffed monkey was sticky (very serious stuff for a toddler). Liliana's cough is finally breaking up and subsiding, thanks to Mucinex for kids. Pretty soon, she'll be back at Chadwick, showcasing her swimming skills for Grammy and Grandfather.

And finally, my Gramcracker seems to be rallying. It may be temporary, but things were looking up today. Although we're happy to see improvement, we're cautiously optimistic about her health. Things can change so quickly at this stage of the game.

All in all, it's been a terrific day. My bedrest continues through tomorrow, and my three guardians are making sure that I don't encounter anything stressful or strenuous. As much as I love my naps, I'm not cut out to lie in bed all day. I'm ready for the pool!

Hope your day is blessed, Ramona

Bittersweet Days

I haven't said much about our upcoming Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET), because I've been trying to focus my thoughts on life's little joys instead of the daunting procedure ahead. With plenty of exciting activities on our calendar the past few weeks, it's been fairly easy to keep my mind occupied. But now I can't help but contemplate the road ahead. We're less than 72 hours away from my hospital visit, and the preparations are in full swing.

With the big event drawing near, my emotions have been running the spectrum. Although I am hopeful that the FET will lead to a pregnancy, I am also afraid of a negative outcome. Since this is our last assisted reproductive procedure, there is more riding on it than ever before. In addition, I am supposed to be stress free--both before and after the procedure. Apparently Murphy's Laws are in full effect, because our life has been anything but relaxing the past few days.

Liliana has been sick since Tuesday evening, and she has been miserable. Her coughing bouts were so severe last night that I was in her room every 15 minutes. No exaggeration. I tried bringing her into bed with me, but she had even more trouble sleeping in our room. We pray that tonight will be much better. Caring for a sick child is both emotionally and physically draining.

Even worse, my mom called me Thursday afternoon with the sad news that my Gramcracker is dying. It seems that she has no more desire to fight. According to the hospice nurse, Gram has less than a week to live. Mom is in Michigan with her right now, and things continue to go down hill. Please pray for my family as we try to celebrate her life while grieving her final days. Losing a loved one is difficult on so many levels.

On a positive note, Wade's parents have arrived in St. Louis. Once again, they have graciously accepted the role of caring for Liliana during my hospital stay and recuperation. What a blessing they have been throughout our fertility treatments!

Praying for healing, peace, sleep and babies. ~Ramona

Relax...it will happen!

I am in the process of preparing, both physically and emotionally, for the next week of treatment and the upcoming IVF procedures. My body will experience dramatic changes this week as my ovaries expand with a multitude of growing egg follicles. Sitting and walking will be very uncomfortable, while exercising and lifting a toddler will be out of the question. Once everything is good and swollen, the egg retrieval takes place. This procedure involves general anesthesia, an operating room and a short, but painful recovery. Three days later, the embryos are transferred into the uterine lining...and then I wait and pray for babies!

According to Dr. Silber, Dr. Pineda and all the well-intentioned friends who continually say, "relax...it will happen," relaxation truly is critical to a successful IVF. Stress hormones can sabotage embryo implantation by causing the reproductive organs to contract. They can also produce an unfavorable environment for healthy fetal development. And if I'm willing to cut out caffeine, you can bet I'm going to find a way to relax. So, for the previous IVF, I sprayed lavender fragrance all over the house and burned scented candles to set the stage. I listened to soothing music and practiced meditation to prepare for the big events. And after several weeks of my relaxation regimen, I trained myself to go from stressed mama to wet noodle in five minutes flat.

In an effort to kick-start the relaxation this time, I visited The Face and The Body in Chesterfield, where I experienced my first Swedish massage. Being a newcomer to the day spa scene, I had no idea what to expect. I'm the modest type, so I started to sweat when the massage therapist invited me to disrobe and lie nekked (as Mississippi Wade says it) on a table (under a sheet, of course). Then, she described the package and informed me that the "glutes" were included in the massage. My palpitating heart almost came to a screeching halt. Pardon me, but no one ever told me the Swedes gave tushy massages! Thankfully, Nicole set me at ease and allowed me to feel comfortable while she worked her magic. Even with an initial spike in my anxiety level, the hour of relaxation was heavenly. Thanks again to my Monday night Bible Study group for the best pampering ever!

Here's to Sweden, home of a divine massage! Blessings, Ramona

Unrest

Our first ultrasound took place this morning. The pregnancy looks to be almost 6 weeks in development. Since I was supposed to be a bit further along, the embryo may have initially taken a couple extra days to implant. If that's the case, I'm just not as far along as anticipated. However, there's also a possibility that the development stopped a couple days ago. Dr. Pineda says to relax and assume all is well until proven otherwise. He wants me to have another ultrasound in one week.

On one hand, I am relieved that everything looks normal (for a 5 week, 6 day pregnancy, that is). We were able to see that there is one embryo sac in the uterus. Thankfully it is not an ectopic pregnancy. On the other hand, I have to admit that I am somewhat uneasy that the baby's development isn't where we thought it should be. I can't help but remember that this is similar to how we learned about my two miscarriages. In the past, either a blood test or an ultrasound showed that the baby stopped growing prematurely...and that was the end. Right now, it's too soon to tell. All I can do is pray and wait.

I'm still experiencing regular symptoms of pregnancy, so hopefully that indicates everything is right on track. Nausea, heartburn, aching body parts, insomnia, and food aversions are a integral part of my daily life. My hips muscles have taken a beating with the progesterone injections. They're both bruised and knotted up, and the bandages have begun to rip my skin. Thankfully, the nurse gave me some gauze and silk tape to replace the bandaids. That will help a great deal. And although much of this journey is unpleasant, it will all be worth it!

Please boldly pray that the baby is healthy and that s/he will continue to develop normally. Also pray that I would keep my eyes on the Lord during this long week of waiting. My heart is not at peace right now, and your prayers will help tremendously.

May God bless you and yours! Ramona

Anxiously Waiting

We found out about our pregnancy only 10 days ago, and it feels like months. Despite my best efforts to stay productive, the days seem to drag on. This morning I had blood drawn, but this particular test did not yield helpful information. I was hoping to get an HCG count (which would indicate whether or not the pregnancy is on track), but we only received the progesterone reading. The level was normal, but that is to be expected in the midst of nightly progesterone injections.

I am anxiously awaiting the ultrasound on Monday morning (which seems like next year). For some reason, I'm really needing concrete information to confirm that all is well. There have been periods of time where I haven't felt dramatic symptoms...and that's been scary. It is during those times that my fears creep in. For that reason, I would rather experience every symptom to its fullest degree than nothing at all. Sounds crazy, but it's true.

On the bright side, this process is truly keeping me close to the Lord. With few assurances from doctors and blood tests, I am constantly compelled to seek God's wisdom and rest in His promises.

Please pray that I would have a peace about this pregnancy. More importantly, please pray for the healthy development of this baby throughout the pregnancy.

Bless you! Ramona

Hello, Jesus

The reality of our pregnancy is beginning to set in. I am so grateful for this long-awaited blessing, and I really want to enjoy every moment. Yet, I must admit that I'm already starting to feel some anxiety. We have a long road ahead of us, as the baby is only the size of the period at the end of this sentence. Having lost two of our three pregnancies to miscarriage, it's hard to sit back and relax. I guess I'll just have to take it one day at a time, remembering to trust that every little detail is in God's hands.

My mind is clearer today. Yesterday was a fog due to a mix of exhaustion and the excitement of sharing our wonderful news. I finally got some sleep last night, thanks to overwhelming my senses with three episodes of 24. (We're now in season two of this crazy, addictive series!) Wade fell victim to late-night M&Ms and was up very late. I think he went to Wal-mart at 11:00pm. What a nut!

I started drinking ginger ale to help with the nausea. I don't know how much it really quiets the tummy, but it sure helps me forget that I've given up my beloved Diet Cherry Coke.

Oh, the sweetest thing just happened! Liliana accidentally spilled her bowl of Total cereal. She began crying and ran to me saying, "Help, Mommy!" I told her that Mommy loves her and she didn't need to cry, but that it's a good idea to say we're sorry when we have an accident. She then picked up the phone receiver, held it to her ear and said, "Hello, Jesus. Hello, Jesus. Sorry [for spilling] Total." I hugged her sweet little body and reminded her that God loves and forgives us.

Thank you, Lord, for children and the precious moments they bring!

Two Embryos

Okay, who forgot to pray? We were hoping and praying for at least six viable embryos, and we had only two. While I was grateful to learn that we had two healthy embryos for transfer today, I must admit that I was also quite disappointed and discouraged that we would have nothing to freeze (especially with 26 follicle and 11 mature eggs). After I grieved the negative aspects and was able to really focus on the positive, Wade jokingly said, "Okay, who forgot to pray?" With my sense of humor still intact, I thought it would be a good way to break the ice on tonight's blog.

This morning's embryo transfer was smooth and successful. Praise the Lord for that. I had two hours to lie in the hospital and listen to my favorite music before the procedure. When the Dream Team came in, I was almost asleep. In fact, my blood pressure was only 96/74. It probably went up a bit in the operating room when I had to let it all hang out under a spotlight with six people in the room. I had to close my eyes and find a happy place. If that situation isn't stressful, I don't know what is!

After all of the time and shots and procedures, now we have to wait for two weeks. I still take three oral medications each day, and Wade gives me an injection of Progesterone every night. Please pray that I am pregnant with a baby (or two) right now and that they grow and develop in a healthy way. January 2nd is our big day.

Thanks again for your support and prayers. Happy Holidays! Ramona