McPheever!

Yes, I've got the McPheever! I caught it during the 2006 season of American Idol, and I never found a cure. It's ridiculous, I know...but the girl's got serious pipes. I've never heard anything like it. It doesn't hurt that she's drop-dead gorgeous, either. What she's doing on stage at Six Flags in 95 degree heat, I'll never know. She belongs in the big-time.

By the way, Wade and I were VIPs for the evening. We sat 3rd row, center aisle. This photo looks professional, doesn't it? It pays to buy four bags of Starburst at five bucks a pop. Apparently, that's how easily one rises to VIP status in Eureka, Missouri!

34 going on 14

Yes, I'm practically a stalker now. At least I didn't chase her after the show (like I chased Troy Aikman in 1992--but that's a whole other story) and confess that I voted for her 50 times after each AI episode. I was totally composed. I screamed and cried like Miss America, but I didn't chase her. I'm 34 going on 14 sometimes.

It seems like I now have almost as many photos of Katharine McPhee as I do of my own daughter. Only kidding. My own personal challenge was to capture high quality photos, rather than the dark, blurry concert pics you typically see. So, I took a lot! I'm happy with how they turned out, but I might have to photo-shop myelf into one of them. What I wouldn't give to sing like that. I'd be on the stage in a heartbeat.

Over the Top

Okay, I know this definitely falls in the category of "overboard," but they are just too beautiful to sit on my hard drive for nobody to see. Wade told me that three pictures would suffice, but I had to push the limit. Here's Kat singing "Over the Rainbow." My personal favorite! Reproduction of these images is strictly prohibited without the the express written consent of the owner. (I've always wanted to say that!)

Sweet Smile

Today Liliana experienced Six Flags and Hurricane Harbor for the very first time. She really enjoyed the rides in the Bugs Bunny & Friends area. Here she is peeking out of a train ride.

That sweet smile just melts my heart. Wade and I are so blessed that she is a part of our family. I don't know what we would do without her!

Are We Having Fun Yet?

Houston, we have a problem! Despite what it looks like, Liliana is not trying to abort mission. This is her very annoyed "Cheeeeeeese," which occurs regularly when she believes we've taken enough pictures.

For the life of me, I can't understand why she thinks we take a lot of photos. She has only been in the crosshairs of the camera a few thousand times since she was born!

In Flight

Liliana waves to her adoring fans as she single-handedly pilots the Bugs Bunny plane. The temperature was so high this morning that she practically had the kiddie rides to herself. The rest of the guests were cooling off in Hurricane Harbor.

After six or seven rides in the scorching heat, we came to our senses and joined the masses in the water park.

Friendship

A friend is one who joyfully sings with you when you are on the mountain top, and silently walks beside you through the valley. ~William A. Ward

Thank you for your steadfast support through this journey. It is the love of friends and family that continues to lift us up as we face this challenge and the obstacles that lie ahead. We are truly blessed.

Resting in His promises, Ramona

Weathering the Storm

This has been a tough Tuesday. Wade's parents left for Mississippi this morning, leaving us alone with our day-to-day life and the stark reality that our attempts to expand our family have once again failed.

All day, I've been feeling like someone I dearly love has died. And when I examine the situation, I realize that not only am I dealing with the loss of two beloved children, but I am also grieving the death of a desire. My plans have been shattered so many times that I wonder if our dream for a large family will ever come true. Yet, somehow I still have hope...and hope is a very powerful thing.

Wade and I agree that our family is not complete. We know that someone is missing...that there's another child who belongs in our home. Unfortunately, we have no idea who this precious one is. Will we have a miraculous pregnancy when we least expect it? Or will our missing child be put up for adoption by another family? Right now, all we can do is research our options and pray for the Lord's guidance as we continue to walk through this refining fire.

This loss has created yet another opportunity for me to search my heart and mind, and to test my priorities. As I dig down deep, I find more strength and perseverance than I knew I had. And I realize that what matters more to me than almost everything on earth is loving my family. Without a doubt, my strength and my desire come directly from Almighty God. He is bringing me through this storm with grace I never imagined.

Thanks be to God for joy in the midst of pain. Blessings, Ramona

Sweetly Broken

It is another day of heartache for our family. My pregnancy test was negative, and we are now grieving the loss of two more unborn children. Upon learning of this great disappointment, the entire family shared a tearful group hug in the living room of our home. And since then, Wade and I continue to shed tears and share tender moments with Liliana, our parents and loved ones.

As we come to terms with the fact that we will not know these precious children on earth, we are comforted by the knowledge that we will one day be with them in heaven. God is holding us in the palm of His hands right now, covering our open wounds with the sweet balm of peace and hope for the future. As Psalm 34:18 assures us, "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

My heart is aching, but underneath this heaviness, I am aware that the pain of this world is necessary. If it weren't for heartbreak in our lives, we would never long for something better--and we'd never recognize the need for a redeemer to secure that perfect place in heaven. As Henry Ward Beecher put it: "God washes the eyes by tears until they can behold the invisible land where tears shall come no more."

I know that God is good and that His timing is perfect...even though I certainly don't understand it. I am thankful that He cares about every detail of my life and has something even better in store for me. As God's word prescribes in 1 Thessalonians 5:18, "Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

So, today I grieve what is not to be and I give thanks for what is yet to come.

Please click the following links to hear the music of my heart.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ElISFieaukc
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GE1_l6bGBoI

Thank you so much for your prayers and kind words throughout the past months. We are humbled and forever grateful. Resting in His promises, Ramona

Pins and Needles

I'm still waiting for the results of my blood test, and I'm a wreck! The lab is supposed to send the results to the doctor's office within two hours, and it's now approaching three. I've called Dr. Silber twice with shaking hands and a knotted stomach, just to hear, "The results aren't in yet." Agony!

Please pray for a positive test result and a healthy baby! ~Ramona

Praying for a Miracle

The countdown is almost over. Tomorrow morning is my long-awaited beta hCG blood test. I have to be honest: I do not have a good feeling about my chances. Not only have my symptoms decreased significantly, but I also had a negative home pregnancy test this morning (yes, the waiting got the best of me).

It is possible that the test result was a false-negative...basically, it could be too soon to tell. But the hard truth of the matter is that the test may have been completely accurate. We'll know for sure tomorrow. I'm still holding out a little hope, but I'm not holding my breath.

Praying for a miracle, Ramona

Benchwarmers

Here's Liliana with friends Elizabeth, Carter, Cole, Stuart and Katherine at Powder Valley Nature Center, where we enjoyed the exhibits and nature trails. At the end of our outing, a beautiful doe crossed our path and ran into the woods. What good, clean fun!

Cautiously Optimistic

It's been a tight race, folks, but optimism finally pulls ahead of caution and takes the lead! For the past couple of days, I have been experiencing waves of nausea, coupled with heartburn and breast tenderness. What others might label ailments, I call, "Yeah, baby!"

I am very encouraged and hopeful that my body is displaying signs of pregnancy. However, I must continue to remain somewhat guarded, because I know it's possible to wish these symptoms into reality. After my April IVF, I had nausea for a week, and I wasn't pregnant. The mind is a very powerful thing.

Praying for a real, healthy pregnancy! ~Ramona

My Wish

It's true, it's true! I adore my child, and I take pictures of her almost every day. The poor girl will eventually be blinded by the number of flashes that come her way. Here she is as "The One and Only Princess Liliana." When I look at her, I just know she is destined for greatness. She's a dynamo, and with God, she'll achieve anything her heart desires.

Tonight I heard a song that moved me. Its lyrics compelled me to reminisce about the past and weep for a future that is yet to come. The song is "My Wish" by Rascal Flatts. Here are the lyrics. I encourage you to click on the link that follows, so you can hear it for yourself.


My Wish

I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.

And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' til you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,
But more than anything, more than anything,

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but you never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.
But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xz32I_GbpeU

I hope you know somebody loves you.
May all your dreams stay big. ~Ramona

Ups and Downs

I've been struggling with musculoskeletal problems since college, when springboard diving finally took it's toll on my back. Later, two motor vehicle accidents (neither my fault!) rocked my already injured body and ensured lifelong ups and downs on the pain scale. Yesterday and today have been two of the tougher days. My head, shoulders and neck have been aching, to the point that survival has been my primary goal.

This morning, I spent several hours on the sofa, battling a massive migraine. I could barely function, even with earplugs muffling the sound and a blanket blocking the light. All I could do was listen to Liliana as she played with blocks and stickers. My pain was almost unbearable, and made worse by the fact that I couldn't interact with my baby at all. So frustrating. What I wouldn't give to be trade this 34-year-old body in for a newer model!

On a positive note, I am feeling much better right now. Additionally, I have experienced some nausea, heartburn and soreness that could be attributed to pregnancy. However, the nausea could also be associated with the headaches, and the other symptoms are nothing to get excited about. With seven days to go, I remain cautiously optimistic. The days continue to crawl by, and I wait and hope...and pray, pray, pray for the desires of our hearts.

Blessings, Ramona

Candid Camera

Here's what Liliana was doing yesterday afternoon as I made dinner. Talk about getting caught with your pants down! Liliana sits and reads Parenting magazine while (in her words) "pretending to tinkle." Although it seems that diapers are going to die hard, my soon-to-be three-year-old is finally getting used to the idea of a big girl potty.


Note: No children were undressed in the making of this photo. Diaper and bodysuit are fully intact.

Waiting

Other than a sore, knotted backside (due to hefty progesterone shots), I haven't experienced any significant changes since the FET. I've had a few tinges of pain in my abdomen each day...but nothing major. Every day, I wake up hoping for nausea and a sore chest, but no such luck. When I was pregnant with Liliana, I didn't experience morning sickness until 5 weeks. With the rest of my pregnancies, nausea came very early.

Once again, the two-week wait seems endless. My beta hCG test is scheduled for Monday, July 30th. We're praying for a double pregnancy!

Have a great weekend! ~Ramona

Blessings All Around

Thank the Lord for answered prayer on every front! First, our FET went smoothly. Both embryos survived the thawing process and looked good. Praise the Lord! The transfer was a little more uncomfortable than previous procedures, but there were no complications. God willing, the embryos will implant within the next few days. Now I must assume I'm pregnant and act accordingly. Goodbye caffeine, hello calcium!

Second, we are living in a cool home, thanks to Mr. late night A/C repair man. What a relief! Under normal circumstances, we would have been able to tough out a week or two with no air (after all, we survived 10 days of post-Katrina hardship in Mississippi). But we have a great deal riding on this procedure, so we opted for immediate comfort. Looks like our 20-year-old A/C unit has exhausted it's 14-year life expectancy. Ahhh, the fun of being a homeowner.

Next, Liliana's health is steadily improving. She is sleeping through the night, although she cried for me once last night because her stuffed monkey was sticky (very serious stuff for a toddler). Liliana's cough is finally breaking up and subsiding, thanks to Mucinex for kids. Pretty soon, she'll be back at Chadwick, showcasing her swimming skills for Grammy and Grandfather.

And finally, my Gramcracker seems to be rallying. It may be temporary, but things were looking up today. Although we're happy to see improvement, we're cautiously optimistic about her health. Things can change so quickly at this stage of the game.

All in all, it's been a terrific day. My bedrest continues through tomorrow, and my three guardians are making sure that I don't encounter anything stressful or strenuous. As much as I love my naps, I'm not cut out to lie in bed all day. I'm ready for the pool!

Hope your day is blessed, Ramona

Praying with Great Expectation

Please pray for a successful Frozen Embryo Transfer and a healthy pregnancy!

We're just 10 hours away from our FET at St. Luke's Hospital. I should be sleeping, but our AC went on the blink and our home is 85 degrees! Sweet Liliana finally fell asleep around 10:00pm (two hours after bedtime), and the rest of us are making the best of our two-story sauna. The after-hours repair guy just arrived. Hopefully, he'll get us chillin' without having to order parts or slap us with an astronomical expense.

As if life wasn't complicated enough, the AC goes out. Am I on Candid Camera? Here we are on the cusp of an important medical procedure, one that has taken months of painstaking preparation. I have huge doses of progesterone and estrogen rushing through my veins and orders to relax and avoid stressful situations. Yet, here we are with tropical temperatures, an ailing child and a dying loved one. With such stress, rest and relaxation aren't exactly easy to come by.

Thankfully, I know that God is totally in control of every detail. He knows what's going on, and He's cares about our situation. Praise the Lord for that! I honestly don't know what I would do without faith. Because of God's promises, I am able to experience inner peace and joy regardless of my circumstances. That's an incredible thing.

If you feel compelled to lift us up in prayer, please don't hesitate! My FET is scheduled for Tuesday at 9:15am. We have two embryos that must survive the thawing process and successfully implant in order for a pregnancy to occur. Following the transfer, I will be resting at home for a couple of days. God willing, I will be pregnant with a healthy child...or two. Thank you for praying boldly and with great expectation!

The possibilities of prayer run parallel with the promises of God. Prayer opens an outlet for the promises...and secures their precious ends. E. M. Bounds

May the Lord continually bless you with heaven's blessings as well as with human joys. Psalm 128:5

Much love! ~Ramona

Bittersweet Days

I haven't said much about our upcoming Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET), because I've been trying to focus my thoughts on life's little joys instead of the daunting procedure ahead. With plenty of exciting activities on our calendar the past few weeks, it's been fairly easy to keep my mind occupied. But now I can't help but contemplate the road ahead. We're less than 72 hours away from my hospital visit, and the preparations are in full swing.

With the big event drawing near, my emotions have been running the spectrum. Although I am hopeful that the FET will lead to a pregnancy, I am also afraid of a negative outcome. Since this is our last assisted reproductive procedure, there is more riding on it than ever before. In addition, I am supposed to be stress free--both before and after the procedure. Apparently Murphy's Laws are in full effect, because our life has been anything but relaxing the past few days.

Liliana has been sick since Tuesday evening, and she has been miserable. Her coughing bouts were so severe last night that I was in her room every 15 minutes. No exaggeration. I tried bringing her into bed with me, but she had even more trouble sleeping in our room. We pray that tonight will be much better. Caring for a sick child is both emotionally and physically draining.

Even worse, my mom called me Thursday afternoon with the sad news that my Gramcracker is dying. It seems that she has no more desire to fight. According to the hospice nurse, Gram has less than a week to live. Mom is in Michigan with her right now, and things continue to go down hill. Please pray for my family as we try to celebrate her life while grieving her final days. Losing a loved one is difficult on so many levels.

On a positive note, Wade's parents have arrived in St. Louis. Once again, they have graciously accepted the role of caring for Liliana during my hospital stay and recuperation. What a blessing they have been throughout our fertility treatments!

Praying for healing, peace, sleep and babies. ~Ramona

Thank Heaven for Little Girls

Princess Liliana steals the show in our play room today. Even when she's not feeling good, she spreads sunshine everywhere she goes.

During the past month, playing dress-up has risen to a whole new level. Liliana now feels the need to put on every piece of clothing available. In this photo, she has on two tops and four skirts. I guess layers are in!

As I was helping her put on the final touches, I said, "Look at you! You're beautiful." Her reply: "Mommy, I'm gorgeous!"

Having a little girl is even more wonderful than I imagined, especially with this little girl. God gave me the perfect child. She's not perfect, but she's perfect for me.

Kids on the Block

I've been known to rave about our close-knit community...for good reason. Here's a little taste of what it's like to live in our subdivision. Captured in this photo are a dozen neighbor kids (including big-kid, Steve) riding through the streets in a trailer one Saturday evening. Thanks to Rick for driving and providing my daughter with this oh-so-safe and classy experience. It's a memory we'll all treasure.

As Stacy and I always say, "See ya on the block!" ~Ramona
















Note: No children were harmed in the making of this photo. The vehicle was not in motion when the picture was taken.

Counting Down

Just one week to go! Our Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) is next Tuesday, and the preparations continue. I've been loading up on estrogen every day, along with Lupron to suppress my hormones and Folgard & Natelle to boost my vitamin & enzyme levels.

Yesterday's ultrasound yielded a positive result: 9 mm uterine lining (anything above 8 mm is good). My lab results showed that my hormone levels are right on track. So, all in all, things are looking good for the big dance.

This is it...our final fertility treatment. We're praying that God blesses us with twins through this procedure. Thanks for being here with us!

May you be richly blessed, Ramona

Reunited

Here I am with Katie, Kara and Beth on Saturday night during the annual 4th of July reunion. Every year, a group of cherished MCHS pals convenes in Madison for the weekend. We enjoyed a family pool party, Regatta on the river and a night out at the Broadway.

Guy Time

Wade, Dan, Jim and Mike at the Broadway Tavern in Madison.

Friends

Liliana in Madison with new friends Dawson, Carter, Leah and Drew.

Sevens are Wild!

Happy 7/7/7! What a cool date. I bet this day goes down in history for having the most weddings ever. Lucky sevens appeal to most people, superstitious or not.

Have a great weekend! Ramona

Everyone Loves a Parade

What's Independence Day without a hometown parade? Here we are in Webster Groves, Missouri on the 4th of July. This was Liliana's first parade since Mardi Gras. Let's just say there was more than a slight difference.

We particularly enjoyed the funny clowns and flying candy. Go figure.

Hope you enjoyed your holiday! Ramona

Pageant Winners

Wade and I show off our pageant wave at the Webster Groves parade. Elbow, elbow, wrist, wrist, wrist. That's the way the beauty queens do it (so I've heard).

Clowning Around on the 4th

This morning, we took in the Webster Groves parade with our pals, the Snodgrass family. Kate and I had fun clowning around while the kiddos and hubbies collected candy.

After the very hot morning, we all dashed to the pool to cool off. Apparently, our idea wasn't very original. Chadwick was packed with families in need of refreshment. Quite a few of our friends and neighbors were there, so it turned into one big 4th of July party!

Watching Intently

For the first few moments, Liliana was mesmerized by the colorful explosions in the sky. When I asked her what she thought of the fireworks, all she could muster was "Good!" Here's a profile of my lovebug as she watches the grand display.

Because of our special outing this evening, Liliana stayed up until 10:00pm for the first time in her scheduled life. Does this mean she'll sleep in for Mommy and Daddy? Tune in tomorrow to find out...

Fireworks Extravaganza

For the first time ever, we observed the Twin Oaks fireworks gala. Liliana started off the evening by trying to eat a glow stick. Her mouth and hands were a lovely shade of fluorescent yellow.

Here she is with her little friends just before the fireworks got underway.

Family 4th of July Fun

Here we are at the Jarvis family 4th of July party Saturday night. What a spectacular shindig! This family extravaganza was the first of many celebratory activities on our calendar for Independence week.

We're busier this year than any other. I don't mind one bit...and we all know Wade loves the action!

Liliana in the Hizouse!

You may not know this, but Liliana recently had some serious dental work. Living in da Lou, there's a great deal of pressure to display "the bling" in your teeth. Although we resisted for awhile, Wade and I decided that one is never too young to show off the goods. Here's what Mississippi Wade chose for our daughter...

Isn't She Lovely!

Estrogen and Excitement

Today I began heavy doses of estrogen--8mg of Estrace and 3 Vivelle dots. Having never taken this hormone, I had no idea what to expect. Everything was hunky dory until early this evening when a whopping headache set in. Four hours later and it's still a doozy!

Despite my new regimen, we had quite an eventful day. After a morning of playing at home, we ventured to the pool for swimming and Family Fun Day activities. For the first time ever, Daddy witnessed Liliana's new tricks: jumping off the diving board and swimming to the ladder without floaties. Yep, that's right--my little 2.5-year-old can swim on her own after only a month of pool time. I'm soooooooo excited! Of course, she still needs a parent next to her while she develops her skills, but she's doing it all by herself! Daddy is a bit nervous watching Liliana's new accomplishments, but I'm totally stoked!

During the family pool activities, we all enjoyed games, snacks and camaraderie. When it came time for the noodle race, a group of us formed a super-duper championship relay team. Members included Carter and Cole Snodgrass, Liliana and moi (only one adult allowed per team). Believe it or not, our team was in first place after three laps...and then it was Liliana's turn. At the last moment, she decided she didn't want to swim by herself. So, she rode piggyback on mommy for the final leg of the race. Although we didn't take first prize, we sure pleased the crowd!

Tonight was the annual Jarvis 4th of July party. Neighborly friends, good eats, games and fireworks--what a blast! I'll be posting photos as soon as they're ready. Check back for pix that are sure to make you smile.

Well, my noggin is aching and my coach is turning into a pumpkin. Goodnight!

Our Journey

If you're wondering what the journey looks like for someone diagnosed with infertility, here are some numbers that may be helpful. Although everyone's road is different, our statistics look like this:

Months actively trying to conceive: 41
Natural cycles (without meds): 13
Cycles on Clomid: 12
Months on Clomid and injectibles: 2
Cycles on serious injectible medications: 9
IUI Cycles with injectible follicle stimulation meds: 4
In Vitro Fertilization attempts: 2
Frozen Embryo Transfers: cycle in process
Months on post-ovulatory progesterone treatments: 30
Pregnancies: 4
Miscarriages: 3
Children at home: 1
Unborn Angels: 6
Dollars invested in fertility treatments: A mind-blowing number.
Tears shed during infertility struggles: Countless.
Being a parent: Priceless.

A Blessing in Disguise

During the past few weeks, I have come to realize that an incredible blessing has resulted from our struggle with infertility. I've always believed that God would work wonders through this process, but I expected it to be mostly internal for me. And while the challenges have definitely strengthened my character, this waiting has also allowed my relationship with Liliana to grow and develop into something even more beautiful than I ever imagined.

Because Liliana has been our only child, she has not known a day that she wasn't the primary focus of our attention and adoration. Had our family expanded as we planned, my attention would have been divided...and our bond would not be so strong. Not only have I been able to give her more one-on-one time, but I've also nurtured her with such a thankful heart. Waiting on the Lord has given me more gratitude and patience..and ultimately, an opportunity to know my daughter in a truly profound and priceless way.

Thank you, God, for this precious daughter. May it be Your will to grant us the gift of another child.

Bless you,
Ramona

Party Time

We are so fortunate to have a fabulous group of friends here in St. Louis. To show our appreciation, we had a small get together at our house on Saturday. Although we had one uninvited guest--thunderstorms--everyone seemed to have a good time. That's the word on the street, at least. Thanks to everyone who braved the elements to be here!

Here is a photo of Liliana at the party with some of her friends. She experienced so much excitement that she slept in a full hour the following morning. No complaints from Mommy and Daddy!

Goodbye and Good Riddance!

This has been a tough week of side effects. More than any other medication I've taken in the past years, the Desogen has seriously kicked my butt. It made me feel exhausted and irritable and emotional and ravenously hungry. What a great combination, huh? Here I am trying to get back in shape, and my meds counteract all of my efforts. Thankfully, today was my last pill. Good riddance, nasty Desogen! Tomorrow is my first Lupron injection, and hopefully it will balance out my hormones. I sure hope so!

I have about three weeks to go before my final assisted reproductive treatment. Please pray that the Lord will bless our Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) and provide us with a healthy child. At this point, we are praying for twins!

Hope your weekend is wonderful! Ramona

Baby Liliana

I've been working on photo albums today, and I am struck by the number of photos I have taken since Liliana was born. I don't know whether it's the fact that I am so thankful for her or that I'm a photography maniac (or some combination of the two), but I literally have thousands of pictures! Here's one of my personal faves. Am I a proud Mama or what!

Wonderful Weekend

Our Father's Day weekend was packed with thrilling activities. We awoke at bright and early at 6:15 Saturday morning and headed downtown for the Race for the Cure. Being party lovers, we totally enjoyed the commotion in St. Louie for the Komen race. The streets were flooded with people, bands, sponsors and emotion. After walking the course in less than 45 minutes, Wade, Liliana and I had brunch at the Omni hotel. With full tummies, we then went to Chadwick pool to cool off and relax. When returned home, all three of us were completely exhausted...so we took a family nap.

To further celebrate Daddy, we took Wade bowling at the local alley (which, by the way, was the nicest bowling establishment we've ever seen). I was pleasantly surprised to find a Noble Romans inside the building...so I indulged in an order of my very favorite breadsticks. Using a ramp and a 7 lb ball, Liliana bowled her first game ever. When she made her first strike, Wade and I screamed and cheered, scaring the poor girl to tears! All in all, Liliana earned a score of 99, beating Mommy (who had her worst game ever). Wade emerged victorious, but not by much!

After our bowling excursion, I took Wade out for dinner at a cozy New Orleans style cafe nearby. We danced to Zydeco music while enjoying the spicy red beans and rice. We were so satisfied that we had to take the bread pudding to go. Once Liliana settled down to sleep, Wade and I cuddled on the sofa in front of Apocalypto. The triumph of the human spirit was overshadowed by scenes so graphic that I had to hide my eyes. Definitely not for the faint of heart.

Yesterday was more relaxed, much like our typical Sundays. We grilled burgers at the pool for dinner and watched Pans Labyrinth. Creative, captivating and quite graphic in a couple spots. Overall, two thumbs up.

As we embark on a new week, I am glad to get back to a routine. Just one month away from our Frozen Embryo Transfer. I'm starting to get excited!

Blessings, Ramona

In the Refining Fire

Today was the fourth consecutive day that someone at the pool asked me, "Is Liliana your only child?" Each time, I smiled and casually responded, "Yes, but not for lack of trying!"

And although I am able to jokingly play off the fact that we only have one child, my heart is constantly plagued with a dull ache of longing for the children I have lost. I feel deep sadness that Liliana does not have a sibling. And my desire for another child has not subsided during this long wait. Instead, it seems to intensify with each passing day.

Today, my sister-in-law sent me this story. She didn't know it, but the content was exactly what I needed. God knew, and He delivered it to me at just the right moment.

Malachi 3:3 says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God. One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver.

As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needs to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver." She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined.

The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?" He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it."

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire , remember that God is holding you tightly and He is watching closely to see His image in you.

God allows us to walk through the refining fire so that we may glorify Him while being refined and purified. Although it has been extremely painful, this battle with infertility has been a beautiful opportunity to become more like my Savior. And for that, I am truly grateful.

Resting in His perfect timing,
Ramona

Liliana the Explorer

Liliana is a wildlife lover. Every time we go outdoors, she explores the territory for birds, frogs, worms and squirrels. In this photo, Liliana fearlessly feeds a flock of ducks. When they got too close for comfort, she puckered up her lips and blew at them (as if she had the power to blow them away). That's my girl!

Summer Fun

The days pass so quickly during summertime. Liliana and I spend most of our time outdoors, mainly at Chadwick Family Pool. If you haven't picked up this little tidbit in previous posts, we love the water! For the first time ever, Liliana swam with her arms and legs last night. I was so thrilled! She may be swimming without floaties by the end of the summer. Wouldn't that be something?!

This morning we enjoyed a free movie at the Mills Regal Theater. Much to my surprise, Liliana made it through the entire show. She started squirming an hour into the flick, so I gave her a See's caramel lollipop...and that kept her busy for another 30 minutes. The movie, Doogal, was relatively entertaining, with plenty of jokes and references that adults could enjoy. There were a few times when I was the only person laughing in the entire theater. I prefer to think that I'm the only one who grasped the humor...but there may be a better explanation.

After a full week of exercising and eating right (other than that carton of Blue Bunny Super Chunky Cookie Dough ice cream), I'm feeling pretty good. I've been gearing up for the Komen Race for the Cure by walking each morning with Liliana in the backpack. Carrying that extra 36 lbs. definitely makes a difference. The race is Saturday morning, and we'll be joining a friend and breast cancer survivor on the course.

Each evening, I alternate Pilates and weights. A couple nights ago, Wade joined my Pilates session. Let me just say that the cameras should have been rolling. The man is a soccer genius, but he has some room for improvement when it comes to graceful motion. If you're interested in some uproarious laughter, join us tonight around 8:30pm for the next session!

Hope you're having as much fun as we are! Blessings, Ramona

Shaping Up!

For the first time in over two years, I actually have a green light for physical exercise over a four-week stretch. Although I'm very thankful for the opportunity to get back in shape, I've been idle for so long that it's sometimes difficult to get moving. And my medication regimen (to prepare for July's Frozen Blastocyst Transfer) is causing fatigue and serious cravings all day long. To make matters worse, my willpower needs a serious tune-up!

Since Tuesday, I've been doing Pilates, toning with weights, swimming and power walking. I'm seeing results and feeling pretty good, but every day is a constant battle to keep up the routine. Thankfully, I'm well-versed in nutrition, exercise and the psychology of it all. Knowing it and doing it can be two very different things, though.

I pray that God will give me more strength and increased willpower in the coming weeks. My goal is to be in tip-top shape by July 17th so that I can have every chance for a healthy pregnancy. Wade and I are hopeful that the FBT will have a positive outcome. This is our last chance, and I'm starting to get a little anxious about it. Trust, trust, trust God and His perfect timing.

Have a terrific week! Blessings, Ramona

It's a Wonderful Life

Life is really good these days. I am so grateful for the many blessings in our lives, and I praise God for His gifts. The past few weeks have been so focused on living life that I have temporarily forgotten our ongoing struggle with infertility. I have to admit that I have not missed the constant planning, agonizing, injecting meds and visiting doctors.

With our Frozen Blastocyst Transfer (FBT) rapidly approaching, I am now compelled to get my head back in the game. Fortunately, I have a positive feeling about this procedure, and I feel rested and refreshed. Not only is my body ready for this process, but I am blessed to have a world renowned doctor on my side. Dr. Silber's freezing technique is so far advanced that 99% of embryos survive the thawing process. That is great news for us, because losing the embryos was originally my greatest concern. Since we have only two frozen "snowflakes," there is no room for error. And this is our last attempt using advanced reproductive technology...so we are hoping and praying for success.

Ultimately, God is in control, and He is not bound by statistics or the limits of modern medicine. Thank goodness for that! He is the One who gives and takes away, and I trust His perfect timing.

Here's to a wonderful weekend. May you relish the blessings in your life,
Ramona

Cousins

Liliana and her cousins spent two afternoons on the beach in Ocean Springs, Mississippi. Family beach time was definitely a highlight of our trip. Wade and I wish we could transplant our community of friends to beachfront property somewhere. We love the water so much that we almost stayed in Hawaii after our honeymoon ended. Some people love the mountains, and some love the beach. Can you guess where we fall on that spectrum?

Family Fishin'

Here's the whole crew after our fishing trip. In the background, you can see our vessel, the Silver Dollar II, and a couple of fish from the day's catch. Wade caught both the huge shark and the large Cobia pictured. He had quite a day!

Mona's Catch

Proof of my fish story. We just returned from our 5th annual deep sea fishing adventure in Mississippi. This Jack Crevalle is my biggest catch ever! Boy did he put up a fight! My muscles are still sore from reeling him in. Thanks to my sis-in-law, Becky, for helping with this tough one. Jack fish are too bony to eat, so we released him in the ocean...but not before we captured him on film!

More fish photos to come...

Ahhh...The Comforts of Home

We are back in St. Louis after a wonderful 10-day vacation. Despite having an incredibly fun time with both sides of the family, I am so glad to be back in our home sweet home. Sleeping in my own comfy bed was such a treat...and Liliana must have felt quite cozy, because she slept in 'til 8:00am. Crazy Wade played in an 11:10pm soccer game with his cronies, so he's not as bright eyed and bushy tailed as us girls.

The only down side of our return was the virtual wilderness in our yard and a pungent smell in our kitchen caused by a deceased White Cloud. Yes, that's number three for the year. We're not doing so well in the pet fish area. I guess I shouldn't have wholeheartedly trusted the 17-year-old Petco "expert" who recommended a 10-day feeder, because here we are with another casualty. We are officially not fish people.

Speaking of fish, we caught some doozies on our annual deep sea fishing adventure. I'll post photos tonight.

Hope you're enjoying June! Blessings, Ramona

Ocean Springs Beach

Liliana has been quite the North American traveler during her short life. Since she was just two weeks old, we've been enjoying family adventures around the country. From Missouri to Michigan and Mississippi to Maine, she's seen many places and faces. During the past week, our travels have taken us to see family in both the Midwest and the Bible Belt.

After visiting at least a dozen states, it appears that Liliana's favorites are those with beaches. Not surprisingly, she is as fearless in the ocean as she is in the swimming pool--jumping and diving with only her little arm floaties to help her stay above water. What a wild child! She definitely takes after her mommy in that arena.

Little Swimmers

Wade, Liliana and I spent the weekend with my family in Indiana. Liliana had an opportunity to spend time with her Grammy Joy, Uncle Russ and cousins Luke and Clayton. No matter how often we visit family, it never seems like enough. The children are growing and changing so quickly that if you miss a few months, you've missed major milestones.

The big highlight for Liliana was swimming in Robert and Chamaine's pool. For the very first time, she swam by herself with a little help from arm floaties. She and Luke loved swimming and jumping off the diving board so much that they literally had to be dragged from the pool.

We plan to spend many hours at the pool this summer. Hopefully Liliana will be swimming solo by September. Here's to sunshine...and lots of it!

The Little Things

Each day is so precious. We can find joy in the simplest of things, if only we look for it. Here, Liliana paints a masterpiece on tile for a sweet Mother's Day gift. I find the homemade presents to be the most valuable.

We must not, in trying to think about how we can make a big difference, ignore the small daily differences we can make--which, over time, add up to big differences that we often cannot foresee. --Marian Wright Edelman

Imagination x 2

Liliana in the back yard making (in her words) "cow's butter" and "soy milk" by combining sprinkler water and dirt. Ahh, the imagination of a 2-year-old. She is definitely a water baby who seizes every opportunity to splish and splash. Summertime is going to be a blast! I'm so thankful that God blessed me with this amazing child. She is such a joy.

SO Hard to Say Goodbye

Last week we said goodbye to our Monday night Bible Study group. I sure will miss spending time with this beautiful group of ladies. Pictured L to R: Leigh Ann, Mona, Lori, Andrea, Christy, Elizabeth, Nancy, Bekah, and Barb. Liz was unable to be with us (congrats to her for great news).

Praying for a Miracle

This week has been a rollercoaster of emotions. All is well on the home front, but the situation with my extended family has intensified. I am very concerned that someone I love is about to make a grave mistake that will seriously impact the rest of the family. Please pray that she will reconsider and take the high road before it's too late.

More this afternoon...
Blessings, Ramona

Where Do We Go From Here?

Several days ago, our friend Leann asked a great question. She wanted to know the reason that this will be our last attempt at conceiving a child through advanced reproductive technology. Basically, there are no medical limits on the number of times one may undergo IVF or IUI; however, we have personally met our financial limit. At this point, about $50,000 has been invested in our attempts to conceive. That's a great deal of money, no matter how you look at it. Although I don't regret it, I am convicted that there are more certain and sacrificial ways for us to proceed.

Should July's Frozen Embryo Transfer be unsuccessful, I feel strongly that we should invest in adoption. At that point, we will have exhausted every treatment option available. If we found a huge bag of money, we would probably continue IVFs until I'm no longer of child-bearing age. But barring some miraculous windfall, it is time for us to be sure any future investment guarantees us a child. I feel convicted that adoption should be our next step. Of course, we will continue to pray for a miraculous natural conception. But I believe our efforts should be directed toward giving an orphaned child a loving home.

Of course, we know that God's plan may be different than ours. He may change our hearts or drop the aforementioned bag of money in our laps. Who knows. At this point, I pray that the FET yields a healthy pregnancy. If not, I pray that Wade and I will have congruent feelings about our next step.

Please keep the questions coming! Blessings, Ramona

Vision of Loveliness

The day after Mother's Day, Liliana awoke from her nap, and instead of her usual, "Mama, mama!" she climbed out of her crib and turned on the light. Wade noticed that her light was on, and I decided to investigate. I quietly peered in to spy on her activities.

Much to my surprise, Liliana was not swinging from the ceiling fan, but rather sitting quietly in the rocking chair, looking at our family photo. When she heard the door open, she looked up and said ever-so-sweetly, "Happy Mother's Day, Mama." My heart melted. I said, "Thank you so much! What are you doing?" She answered, "Just looking at a picture of Mama." Precious. I could have spread her on a cracker and eaten her up!

Diving Diva

Last night we spent quality time with friends, and two of us braved the frigid water. Wild and crazy Liliana went off the diving board for her first time. Look out, world, she may follow in her mama's footsteps!

FET Target Date

Wade and I are gradually coming to terms with the outcome of our last IVF, knowing that God's timing is perfect and we must trust in His goodness. At this point, we are scheduled for a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) on July 17th. We have two remaining embryos, and they are our last hope for pregnancy through Advanced Reproductive Technology. We pray that this final attempt will be successful. After that, our only option is adoption (although we will continue to pray for a miraculous conception).

Please pray that we may be a blessing to others through this process.
Through His strength, Ramona

Missouri Botanical Gardens in Bloom

We've had a ball touring around St. Louis with our friends the past few days. Here's a shot of my sweet flower walking through the iris exhibit at the Missouri Botanical Gardens.

Adventures in Infertility

Well, it's been a weekend of processing, grieving and binging on Hostess Crumb Donettes, Houlihan's Stuffed 'Shrooms and Diet Wild Cherry Pepsi. I am now back to my healthy ways and ready to face the world again.

After prayerful consideration and collaboration with our trusty caregivers, Wade and I have determined that our next episode of Adventures in Infertility will be take place in mid-July. It will be a double feature entitled, "Frozen Embryo Transfer x 2." I'm waiting for Dr. Silber's people to contact my people to talk finances and firm dates.

Although the cost of FET is much less than IVF, it's definitely not pocket change. I considered setting up a trust fund to help with the medical bills, but instead decided this would be a great opportunity to encourage the sale of Wade's contraband motorcycle. If anyone is interested, it's a striking royal blue 1982 Yamaha Maxim 750 in great condition with less than 16K miles. Place your bids in the comment section!

As you can tell, I'm doing much better today. A big part of the reason is that there seems to be some hope with the dire family situation I mentioned Friday. I'd love to expound further, but it's a private matter--too sensitive to put on a blog. If you feel led, please pray that there is a positive resolution for a couple I love dearly. God will know who you're talking about!

Thanks again for all of the uplifting comments and prayers. A special shout out to Dave and Kate, who brought us a gorgeous plant and loving words. Also, thanks to Wade's parents for lovely outside dining at Houlihan's...a much needed break from reality!

Bless you all, Ramona

Thank You

Thank you so much for your continual support, encouragement and prayer. Wade and I feel the inexplicable strength and comfort that result from people lifting us up to the Lord. It is clear that God is holding us tightly in His loving arms as we grieve, and we are confident that much good will come from this trial.

Bless you, Ramona

Overwhelmed with Emotion

My heart is very heavy today. My pregnancy test was negative, and we are now grieving the fact that we will never hold our two precious children this side of heaven. It's an emotional day for us. And if that weren't difficult enough, I also received very sad news about a family situation. So many thoughts are tumbling through my mind that I don't know what to say.

As far as my pregnancy test goes, I guess I'll start with the medical side. My beta hCG level was less than one, which basically means there's no sign of pregnancy whatsoever. The only way the test could be wrong is if the lab made a major mistake, but that is highly unlikely. As I recently posted, I was fairly certain I was going to get my period instead of a positive test result. The last shred of hope fell away when I heard the nurse's tone of voice on the phone. I immediately knew the IVF had failed.

Wade seems to be taking it harder than in the past. He really wanted to believe a pregnancy was probable, despite the negative signs we saw the past couple of days. Since his hopes were so high, he had a long way to fall when we got the results. Plus, with each failed attempt, Wade is gradually realizing the seriousness of our struggle with infertility. Please remember him in your prayers during this time.

As for me, I've been acutely aware of the challenges we face for quite awhile. Today I'm sad, disappointed, frustrated and a little angry. It's incredibly difficult to hope and sacrifice for so many months, just to learn the treatment failed. But then again, I know I did everything humanly possible to ensure success. The outcome was in God's hands...and now our babies are in His hands eternally. Six unborn children in heaven--it's hard to wrap your mind around a concept like that.

While I am sad that I will not see and touch my children in this lifetime, I am so glad to know that I will know them one day. They are with the Savior now, and I will be with them for eternity. What parent doesn't want their child to know the Lord and have an eternal place in heaven? I rejoice in that fact and rest in God's promises for the future.

I am also so infinitely thankful for the daughter I hug and kiss and hold every single day, as well as the hope of having two embryos for a future transfer. I am blessed in so many ways, and I do not lose sight of that for one moment. As I grieve this temporary loss, I will continue to delight in my family, friends and good fortune. And I will trust in God's perfect timing.

Thank you for lifting us up during this trying time. May you be richly blessed, Ramona

Midnight Musings

It's midnight. I can't sleep. Surprise, surprise. Why is it that my mind goes bananas the night before anything semi-important? I guess I've always been this way. When I was a young girl, I would get so excited about the first day of school that I'd make my debut with six measly minutes of sleep under my belt (but rest assured it was the perfect belt, because I stayed up all night thinking about exactly how to accessorize with my big hair and jellies).

Apparently, old habits die hard. Right now my coach is turning into a pumpkin because of a simple blood draw at the lab. I know, I know...it's really the result I'm anxious about, but it sure seems silly to get so worked up. I should be dreaming instead of typing. My sweet, sick girl has been crying for me hourly, so rest will surely be a rare commodity tonight.

Liliana is doing a little better, by the way. According to Dr. Graham, she has a viral infection that's making rounds in the kiddie community. Her fever should subside in a couple days, and she will be jumping on the bed by the end of the weekend. Her rash was just a stubborn case of contact dermatitis (from rubbing the elastic on her Smiles size 5's). With several treatments of hydrocortizone cream, her tushy will be as soft and squishy as ever.

On another note: My new friend, Niki, introduced me to a Christian network for women with infertility issues. It's called Hannah's Prayer, and I really think I'm going to find comfort in traveling this road with believers who share a similar struggle. I'm sure Wade was relieved to hear I've found another place to express the innermost details of my womanhood. Believe me when I tell you there are things even a husband doesn't want to hear--things much too personal to post on a blog. Ladies who have had your feet in metal stirrups, can I get a witness?!

That reminds me... My first OB-Gyn had a poster of Patrick Swayze on the ceiling above the examination table. Never mind that it was 1989 in rural Indiana, no woman should look up from her position on the table and see a picture of a half-nekked (there's that word again) male icon. We're supposed to be finding a happy place, not Road House. Oh, I digress.

Well, my eyes are tired. Hopefully I'll be able to quiet my mind enough to fall asleep before the next "Mama, mama!" Although I don't relish 3:00am cries, I wouldn't trade the precious gift of motherhood for the world. Please pray that I have the opportunity to be Mommy to another little one in the future.

May God bless you and yours, Ramona

Low Expectations, High Fever

Well, we're less than 24 hours away from the beta hCG pregnancy test. I go to the lab at St. Luke's first thing tomorrow morning, and I'll receive the results between 10:00 and 11:00am. The night before last, I was convinced that our IVF was successful. Now I feel almost certain that I'm getting a period instead of a positive pregnancy test. Happy Mother's Day to me.

I really am a positive person, but I have to be realistic here. The only sign of pregnancy I still have is nausea (and I could totally be wishing that upon myself). Everything else points to an unwelcome visit from Aunt Flow. I hope and pray that my suspicions are wrong about the situation. It's in God's hands now...and I pray that He will grant us a pleasant surprise tomorrow.

The past couple days have been very stressful for me...and for Wade. Not only have our hopes come tumbling down, but our precious Liliana also became ill. She developed a high fever yesterday, and she has a strange rash that's persisted for a week. Poor baby cried in discomfort all through the night, and I had to wake her several times to give acetaminophen to reduce the fever. I feel like I slept for 45 minutes last night. Liliana probably does, too. She has an appointment to see Dr. Graham at 12:45 today, and then hopefully she'll nap like a champ!

On a positive note, my whopping headache is almost gone. Thank the Lord! Life is so much better (and easier) without a throbbin' noggin.

Thank you so much for your continued support, encouragement and prayers. I truly appreciate it! Have a wonderful day, Ramona

Welcome to My Wednesday

The suspense of waiting got the best of me last night, and I decided to have a home pregnancy test on hand, just in case. So I asked Wade to run to Walgreens to pick up a test kit, along with a 2-liter of Canada Dry to help my aching tummy. The nausea was so bad that I wanted to throw up just to have some relief. On top of that, my headache became a full-fledged migraine that kept me up most of the night.

Somewhere between serious pain, serious prayer and occasional winks of sleep, I debated whether or not to succumb to the temptation of a pregnancy test. Part of me trusted the nausea enough to wait 'til Friday's lab test, while the rest of me was sold on knowing the result right away.

I read the pamphlet inside the test kit, and it delineated the accuracy for each day before the "best" test date (Friday). I thought, "Okay, at this point, the test would be 74-84% on target. Hmmm...that's is just high enough that I'd have a good chance of getting a positive result (and relief from waiting) and just low enough that I could attribute a negative result to the possibility of error. Plus, I've had several false-negatives in the past. Sounds okay." Then I thought about the severity of my headache and the fact that I may need some chiropractic intervention. I wondered if I could undergo osteopathic manipulation if I'm pregnant. I realized that I'd need to know in order to decide what treatment to pursue. Finally, somewhere around 4:30am, I decided to go ahead with the test first thing in the morning. I'm sure I swayed the arguments the way I wanted them to go.

At 7:20am, my bladder woke me up from the first round of good sleep I had all night. I broke out the test, peed on the stick, waited two minutes and looked at the result window. One line. Negative. I peered at the stick as closely as possible to make sure I wasn't missing the other line. Nope. Negative. I laid back down, feeling disappointed but still hopeful that Friday's test would be positive. My nausea was still going strong, so I didn't sweat the test results. I didn't even wake Wade to tell him. Why bother him with inaccurate results, right?

Shortly after Liliana awoke, I noticed spotting. I immediately assumed the blood was my typical spotting before each monthly cycle. I had no idea what else it could be. I could feel the hope leaving my body and falling to the floor. A negative pregnancy test and spotting. My heart sank.

I wept as Wade and I discussed the situation. I was crushed. I thought I'd immediately be at peace with whatever God put in front of us, but I felt sadness instead. At the same time I was grieving a perceived lack of pregnancy, I experienced more nausea...a symptom that's always been an accurate predictor of pregnancy for me. I was both confused and frustrated that I could have such a strong sign of pregnancy with two serious strikes against it.

Teary eyed, I called Dr. Pineda's office and left a message about the morning's events. When nurse Janna called back, she offered more hope than I anticipated. Janna told me that the bleeding could be from the implantation of embryos. Further, she stated that the pregnancy test was much to early to be trusted. She advised me to add two oral progesterone capsules to my daily regimen of medications (to help support a potential pregnancy). I asked her if there was any way my nausea could be a side effect of my medications, and she assured me that it isn't. According to Janna, I need to hope for the best and wait until Friday's blood pregnancy test.

After my conversation with the nurse, I felt a little bit of hope wash over me. Although I'm still an emotional mess, I do feel like there's a chance I'm pregnant. After all, the nausea is as strong as ever. So, once again, I will wait and pray. Friday seems further away than ever.

Please keep this situation in your prayers and lift up our desire for a healthy baby (or two).
Bless you, Ramona

Three Days 'Til the Test

I've had a peaceful morning with Liliana. We've been swimming, blowing bubbles, coloring with sidewalk chalk, playing zoo with little animals and walking in the neighborhood. It's almost nap time for the girls, and I'm ready for it! I've had a splitting headache since yesterday afternoon. I know exactly which tensed-up muscles are causing it, but I haven't been able to relax them. Between the headaches and serious nausea, I was up almost all night. Hopefully some rest will cure the aching head; I'll keep the nausea, thank you very much!

Less than three days til my first pregnancy test, and the waiting is driving me bonkers. In the comment section, Mark and Niki (faithful blog readers I've never met) asked if I am planning to do a home pregnancy test. As tempting as it is, I'm trying to wait until Friday. For some reason, the home tests haven't been accurate for me. I've had false-negatives several times. And the way I look at it, this waiting game helps me to strengthen my patience. God knows I'm going to need it. Even if my pregnancy test is positive, it will be a long road before I'm out of the woods. With three miscarriages in my past, I'll be on pins and needles until the second trimester safely arrives.

Keep praying! Ramona

Things are Lookin' Good!

Here's my baby doll swinging in our back yard. We've been making the most of the sunshine the past couple of days, especially with so many rainy days last week and six days of thunderstorms in the forecast. Today I set up Liliana's pool, and she splashed around in the frigid water for at least an hour. I attempted to do my Bible study while she romped, but I couldn't resist the urge to watch her antics. Needless to say, I did not finish my study.

Earlier I read my journal entries from the beginning of January to compare the post-IVF symptoms I'm experiencing. My current physical condition is a mirror image of the days just before my positive pregnancy test in January. My nausea is pretty steady, with a few breaks throughout the day. I'm so thankful for the feeling that I'd prefer to have nausea non-stop! I've been trying to curb my excitement, but it's getting more difficult with each passing day of pregnancy symptoms. Things are looking good!

Pray for healthy baby(ies)! Blessings, Ramona

Hello, Nausea!

A little nausea has come my way the past couple days, and it seems to be steadily increasing. I'm trying not to get excited, but I am certainly feeling hopeful. I've also started experiencing other signs of pregnancy, but nausea is the most meaningful because it can't be attributed to the medications. Morning sickness (24-hour) kicked in around this time after my last IVF...and I had nausea with each of my pregnancies. So, this is a good thing! My first pregnancy test is still almost a week away. Until then, I continue to eat, drink and sleep as if I'm carrying a child. And, of course, pray for healthy babies!

Happy Cinco De Mayo! Ramona

Focus on Friends and Family

A stoic Liliana poses with Wrigley, who belongs to my closest pal, Cindy. It's a blessing to have Cindy in town for awhile. We jokingly call her our "good luck charm," because she's been in St. Louis every time we've conceived a child. And it just so happened that she was here during the IVF. What a coincidence!

Today we bid adieu to Grandfather and Grammy. Words cannot express how helpful they were during the past week. We were very sad to see them go. Even Liliana began crying and said, "I'm too sad." Thank you, Bill and Mary, for caring for Liliana (Wade & me, too), making meals and cleaning my kitchen! We look forward to seeing you for the annual deep sea fishing adventure.

It seems that I'm not recovering as well as expected. The pain in my ovaries has not diminished much. It's already been a week since the procedure. I talked to Dr. Pineda's nurse today, and she advised me to lie down as much as possible and avoid any physical exertion. Easier said than done! Hello, 2 1/2 year old toddler!

Praying for a speedy recovery and two healthy babies, Ramona

Adjusting to Change

Liliana loves to clean her pearly whites with her new "Dora the Explorer" electric toothbrush. This little item has transformed our brushing routine from "Do I have to?" to "May I please!" She absolutely loves the sensation...and it doesn't hurt to have Dora, Boots and Backpack on the handle. Once again, I shout, "Hooray for modern technology!"

My sweet girl has been having a rough time adjusting to Mommy's absences and diminished ability to play. Since Liliana has a difficult time identifying and labeling her feelings (as all 2-year-olds do), she has been acting out in dramatic fashion. As much as I adore my daughter, I was relieved when bedtime finally arrived last night. She gave all of us a run for our money yesterday.

It is clear that the past few days has been bittersweet for Liliana. On one hand, she has spent a great deal of time with her beloved Grammy and Grandfather. But on the other, her world has been turned upside down. For all of her life, Mommy has been there 24/7; and now, Mommy isn't available all of the time. She has been trying to make sense of it, and we've all suffered the consequences. Hopefully things will go right back to normal when I finish recuperating. I have a feeling she'll bounce right back.

As far as my recovery goes, I continue to experience sharp pain in the area of my ovaries. They are still in the process of healing from the egg retrieval. I had a few mild pains in my abdomen this morning, and I've been praying that they were due to embryo implantation. The implantation process may occur any time this week, usually around this point. Time to pray, pray, pray!

Here's to a warm, snugly place for my embryos! Enjoy your Wednesday, Ramona