Isn't She Lovely!

Estrogen and Excitement

Today I began heavy doses of estrogen--8mg of Estrace and 3 Vivelle dots. Having never taken this hormone, I had no idea what to expect. Everything was hunky dory until early this evening when a whopping headache set in. Four hours later and it's still a doozy!

Despite my new regimen, we had quite an eventful day. After a morning of playing at home, we ventured to the pool for swimming and Family Fun Day activities. For the first time ever, Daddy witnessed Liliana's new tricks: jumping off the diving board and swimming to the ladder without floaties. Yep, that's right--my little 2.5-year-old can swim on her own after only a month of pool time. I'm soooooooo excited! Of course, she still needs a parent next to her while she develops her skills, but she's doing it all by herself! Daddy is a bit nervous watching Liliana's new accomplishments, but I'm totally stoked!

During the family pool activities, we all enjoyed games, snacks and camaraderie. When it came time for the noodle race, a group of us formed a super-duper championship relay team. Members included Carter and Cole Snodgrass, Liliana and moi (only one adult allowed per team). Believe it or not, our team was in first place after three laps...and then it was Liliana's turn. At the last moment, she decided she didn't want to swim by herself. So, she rode piggyback on mommy for the final leg of the race. Although we didn't take first prize, we sure pleased the crowd!

Tonight was the annual Jarvis 4th of July party. Neighborly friends, good eats, games and fireworks--what a blast! I'll be posting photos as soon as they're ready. Check back for pix that are sure to make you smile.

Well, my noggin is aching and my coach is turning into a pumpkin. Goodnight!

Our Journey

If you're wondering what the journey looks like for someone diagnosed with infertility, here are some numbers that may be helpful. Although everyone's road is different, our statistics look like this:

Months actively trying to conceive: 41
Natural cycles (without meds): 13
Cycles on Clomid: 12
Months on Clomid and injectibles: 2
Cycles on serious injectible medications: 9
IUI Cycles with injectible follicle stimulation meds: 4
In Vitro Fertilization attempts: 2
Frozen Embryo Transfers: cycle in process
Months on post-ovulatory progesterone treatments: 30
Pregnancies: 4
Miscarriages: 3
Children at home: 1
Unborn Angels: 6
Dollars invested in fertility treatments: A mind-blowing number.
Tears shed during infertility struggles: Countless.
Being a parent: Priceless.

A Blessing in Disguise

During the past few weeks, I have come to realize that an incredible blessing has resulted from our struggle with infertility. I've always believed that God would work wonders through this process, but I expected it to be mostly internal for me. And while the challenges have definitely strengthened my character, this waiting has also allowed my relationship with Liliana to grow and develop into something even more beautiful than I ever imagined.

Because Liliana has been our only child, she has not known a day that she wasn't the primary focus of our attention and adoration. Had our family expanded as we planned, my attention would have been divided...and our bond would not be so strong. Not only have I been able to give her more one-on-one time, but I've also nurtured her with such a thankful heart. Waiting on the Lord has given me more gratitude and patience..and ultimately, an opportunity to know my daughter in a truly profound and priceless way.

Thank you, God, for this precious daughter. May it be Your will to grant us the gift of another child.

Bless you,
Ramona

Party Time

We are so fortunate to have a fabulous group of friends here in St. Louis. To show our appreciation, we had a small get together at our house on Saturday. Although we had one uninvited guest--thunderstorms--everyone seemed to have a good time. That's the word on the street, at least. Thanks to everyone who braved the elements to be here!

Here is a photo of Liliana at the party with some of her friends. She experienced so much excitement that she slept in a full hour the following morning. No complaints from Mommy and Daddy!

Goodbye and Good Riddance!

This has been a tough week of side effects. More than any other medication I've taken in the past years, the Desogen has seriously kicked my butt. It made me feel exhausted and irritable and emotional and ravenously hungry. What a great combination, huh? Here I am trying to get back in shape, and my meds counteract all of my efforts. Thankfully, today was my last pill. Good riddance, nasty Desogen! Tomorrow is my first Lupron injection, and hopefully it will balance out my hormones. I sure hope so!

I have about three weeks to go before my final assisted reproductive treatment. Please pray that the Lord will bless our Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) and provide us with a healthy child. At this point, we are praying for twins!

Hope your weekend is wonderful! Ramona

Baby Liliana

I've been working on photo albums today, and I am struck by the number of photos I have taken since Liliana was born. I don't know whether it's the fact that I am so thankful for her or that I'm a photography maniac (or some combination of the two), but I literally have thousands of pictures! Here's one of my personal faves. Am I a proud Mama or what!

Wonderful Weekend

Our Father's Day weekend was packed with thrilling activities. We awoke at bright and early at 6:15 Saturday morning and headed downtown for the Race for the Cure. Being party lovers, we totally enjoyed the commotion in St. Louie for the Komen race. The streets were flooded with people, bands, sponsors and emotion. After walking the course in less than 45 minutes, Wade, Liliana and I had brunch at the Omni hotel. With full tummies, we then went to Chadwick pool to cool off and relax. When returned home, all three of us were completely exhausted...so we took a family nap.

To further celebrate Daddy, we took Wade bowling at the local alley (which, by the way, was the nicest bowling establishment we've ever seen). I was pleasantly surprised to find a Noble Romans inside the building...so I indulged in an order of my very favorite breadsticks. Using a ramp and a 7 lb ball, Liliana bowled her first game ever. When she made her first strike, Wade and I screamed and cheered, scaring the poor girl to tears! All in all, Liliana earned a score of 99, beating Mommy (who had her worst game ever). Wade emerged victorious, but not by much!

After our bowling excursion, I took Wade out for dinner at a cozy New Orleans style cafe nearby. We danced to Zydeco music while enjoying the spicy red beans and rice. We were so satisfied that we had to take the bread pudding to go. Once Liliana settled down to sleep, Wade and I cuddled on the sofa in front of Apocalypto. The triumph of the human spirit was overshadowed by scenes so graphic that I had to hide my eyes. Definitely not for the faint of heart.

Yesterday was more relaxed, much like our typical Sundays. We grilled burgers at the pool for dinner and watched Pans Labyrinth. Creative, captivating and quite graphic in a couple spots. Overall, two thumbs up.

As we embark on a new week, I am glad to get back to a routine. Just one month away from our Frozen Embryo Transfer. I'm starting to get excited!

Blessings, Ramona

In the Refining Fire

Today was the fourth consecutive day that someone at the pool asked me, "Is Liliana your only child?" Each time, I smiled and casually responded, "Yes, but not for lack of trying!"

And although I am able to jokingly play off the fact that we only have one child, my heart is constantly plagued with a dull ache of longing for the children I have lost. I feel deep sadness that Liliana does not have a sibling. And my desire for another child has not subsided during this long wait. Instead, it seems to intensify with each passing day.

Today, my sister-in-law sent me this story. She didn't know it, but the content was exactly what I needed. God knew, and He delivered it to me at just the right moment.

Malachi 3:3 says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God. One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver.

As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needs to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver." She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined.

The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?" He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it."

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire , remember that God is holding you tightly and He is watching closely to see His image in you.

God allows us to walk through the refining fire so that we may glorify Him while being refined and purified. Although it has been extremely painful, this battle with infertility has been a beautiful opportunity to become more like my Savior. And for that, I am truly grateful.

Resting in His perfect timing,
Ramona

Liliana the Explorer

Liliana is a wildlife lover. Every time we go outdoors, she explores the territory for birds, frogs, worms and squirrels. In this photo, Liliana fearlessly feeds a flock of ducks. When they got too close for comfort, she puckered up her lips and blew at them (as if she had the power to blow them away). That's my girl!

Summer Fun

The days pass so quickly during summertime. Liliana and I spend most of our time outdoors, mainly at Chadwick Family Pool. If you haven't picked up this little tidbit in previous posts, we love the water! For the first time ever, Liliana swam with her arms and legs last night. I was so thrilled! She may be swimming without floaties by the end of the summer. Wouldn't that be something?!

This morning we enjoyed a free movie at the Mills Regal Theater. Much to my surprise, Liliana made it through the entire show. She started squirming an hour into the flick, so I gave her a See's caramel lollipop...and that kept her busy for another 30 minutes. The movie, Doogal, was relatively entertaining, with plenty of jokes and references that adults could enjoy. There were a few times when I was the only person laughing in the entire theater. I prefer to think that I'm the only one who grasped the humor...but there may be a better explanation.

After a full week of exercising and eating right (other than that carton of Blue Bunny Super Chunky Cookie Dough ice cream), I'm feeling pretty good. I've been gearing up for the Komen Race for the Cure by walking each morning with Liliana in the backpack. Carrying that extra 36 lbs. definitely makes a difference. The race is Saturday morning, and we'll be joining a friend and breast cancer survivor on the course.

Each evening, I alternate Pilates and weights. A couple nights ago, Wade joined my Pilates session. Let me just say that the cameras should have been rolling. The man is a soccer genius, but he has some room for improvement when it comes to graceful motion. If you're interested in some uproarious laughter, join us tonight around 8:30pm for the next session!

Hope you're having as much fun as we are! Blessings, Ramona

Shaping Up!

For the first time in over two years, I actually have a green light for physical exercise over a four-week stretch. Although I'm very thankful for the opportunity to get back in shape, I've been idle for so long that it's sometimes difficult to get moving. And my medication regimen (to prepare for July's Frozen Blastocyst Transfer) is causing fatigue and serious cravings all day long. To make matters worse, my willpower needs a serious tune-up!

Since Tuesday, I've been doing Pilates, toning with weights, swimming and power walking. I'm seeing results and feeling pretty good, but every day is a constant battle to keep up the routine. Thankfully, I'm well-versed in nutrition, exercise and the psychology of it all. Knowing it and doing it can be two very different things, though.

I pray that God will give me more strength and increased willpower in the coming weeks. My goal is to be in tip-top shape by July 17th so that I can have every chance for a healthy pregnancy. Wade and I are hopeful that the FBT will have a positive outcome. This is our last chance, and I'm starting to get a little anxious about it. Trust, trust, trust God and His perfect timing.

Have a terrific week! Blessings, Ramona

It's a Wonderful Life

Life is really good these days. I am so grateful for the many blessings in our lives, and I praise God for His gifts. The past few weeks have been so focused on living life that I have temporarily forgotten our ongoing struggle with infertility. I have to admit that I have not missed the constant planning, agonizing, injecting meds and visiting doctors.

With our Frozen Blastocyst Transfer (FBT) rapidly approaching, I am now compelled to get my head back in the game. Fortunately, I have a positive feeling about this procedure, and I feel rested and refreshed. Not only is my body ready for this process, but I am blessed to have a world renowned doctor on my side. Dr. Silber's freezing technique is so far advanced that 99% of embryos survive the thawing process. That is great news for us, because losing the embryos was originally my greatest concern. Since we have only two frozen "snowflakes," there is no room for error. And this is our last attempt using advanced reproductive technology...so we are hoping and praying for success.

Ultimately, God is in control, and He is not bound by statistics or the limits of modern medicine. Thank goodness for that! He is the One who gives and takes away, and I trust His perfect timing.

Here's to a wonderful weekend. May you relish the blessings in your life,
Ramona

Cousins

Liliana and her cousins spent two afternoons on the beach in Ocean Springs, Mississippi. Family beach time was definitely a highlight of our trip. Wade and I wish we could transplant our community of friends to beachfront property somewhere. We love the water so much that we almost stayed in Hawaii after our honeymoon ended. Some people love the mountains, and some love the beach. Can you guess where we fall on that spectrum?

Family Fishin'

Here's the whole crew after our fishing trip. In the background, you can see our vessel, the Silver Dollar II, and a couple of fish from the day's catch. Wade caught both the huge shark and the large Cobia pictured. He had quite a day!

Mona's Catch

Proof of my fish story. We just returned from our 5th annual deep sea fishing adventure in Mississippi. This Jack Crevalle is my biggest catch ever! Boy did he put up a fight! My muscles are still sore from reeling him in. Thanks to my sis-in-law, Becky, for helping with this tough one. Jack fish are too bony to eat, so we released him in the ocean...but not before we captured him on film!

More fish photos to come...

Ahhh...The Comforts of Home

We are back in St. Louis after a wonderful 10-day vacation. Despite having an incredibly fun time with both sides of the family, I am so glad to be back in our home sweet home. Sleeping in my own comfy bed was such a treat...and Liliana must have felt quite cozy, because she slept in 'til 8:00am. Crazy Wade played in an 11:10pm soccer game with his cronies, so he's not as bright eyed and bushy tailed as us girls.

The only down side of our return was the virtual wilderness in our yard and a pungent smell in our kitchen caused by a deceased White Cloud. Yes, that's number three for the year. We're not doing so well in the pet fish area. I guess I shouldn't have wholeheartedly trusted the 17-year-old Petco "expert" who recommended a 10-day feeder, because here we are with another casualty. We are officially not fish people.

Speaking of fish, we caught some doozies on our annual deep sea fishing adventure. I'll post photos tonight.

Hope you're enjoying June! Blessings, Ramona

Ocean Springs Beach

Liliana has been quite the North American traveler during her short life. Since she was just two weeks old, we've been enjoying family adventures around the country. From Missouri to Michigan and Mississippi to Maine, she's seen many places and faces. During the past week, our travels have taken us to see family in both the Midwest and the Bible Belt.

After visiting at least a dozen states, it appears that Liliana's favorites are those with beaches. Not surprisingly, she is as fearless in the ocean as she is in the swimming pool--jumping and diving with only her little arm floaties to help her stay above water. What a wild child! She definitely takes after her mommy in that arena.

Little Swimmers

Wade, Liliana and I spent the weekend with my family in Indiana. Liliana had an opportunity to spend time with her Grammy Joy, Uncle Russ and cousins Luke and Clayton. No matter how often we visit family, it never seems like enough. The children are growing and changing so quickly that if you miss a few months, you've missed major milestones.

The big highlight for Liliana was swimming in Robert and Chamaine's pool. For the very first time, she swam by herself with a little help from arm floaties. She and Luke loved swimming and jumping off the diving board so much that they literally had to be dragged from the pool.

We plan to spend many hours at the pool this summer. Hopefully Liliana will be swimming solo by September. Here's to sunshine...and lots of it!

The Little Things

Each day is so precious. We can find joy in the simplest of things, if only we look for it. Here, Liliana paints a masterpiece on tile for a sweet Mother's Day gift. I find the homemade presents to be the most valuable.

We must not, in trying to think about how we can make a big difference, ignore the small daily differences we can make--which, over time, add up to big differences that we often cannot foresee. --Marian Wright Edelman

Imagination x 2

Liliana in the back yard making (in her words) "cow's butter" and "soy milk" by combining sprinkler water and dirt. Ahh, the imagination of a 2-year-old. She is definitely a water baby who seizes every opportunity to splish and splash. Summertime is going to be a blast! I'm so thankful that God blessed me with this amazing child. She is such a joy.

SO Hard to Say Goodbye

Last week we said goodbye to our Monday night Bible Study group. I sure will miss spending time with this beautiful group of ladies. Pictured L to R: Leigh Ann, Mona, Lori, Andrea, Christy, Elizabeth, Nancy, Bekah, and Barb. Liz was unable to be with us (congrats to her for great news).

Praying for a Miracle

This week has been a rollercoaster of emotions. All is well on the home front, but the situation with my extended family has intensified. I am very concerned that someone I love is about to make a grave mistake that will seriously impact the rest of the family. Please pray that she will reconsider and take the high road before it's too late.

More this afternoon...
Blessings, Ramona

Where Do We Go From Here?

Several days ago, our friend Leann asked a great question. She wanted to know the reason that this will be our last attempt at conceiving a child through advanced reproductive technology. Basically, there are no medical limits on the number of times one may undergo IVF or IUI; however, we have personally met our financial limit. At this point, about $50,000 has been invested in our attempts to conceive. That's a great deal of money, no matter how you look at it. Although I don't regret it, I am convicted that there are more certain and sacrificial ways for us to proceed.

Should July's Frozen Embryo Transfer be unsuccessful, I feel strongly that we should invest in adoption. At that point, we will have exhausted every treatment option available. If we found a huge bag of money, we would probably continue IVFs until I'm no longer of child-bearing age. But barring some miraculous windfall, it is time for us to be sure any future investment guarantees us a child. I feel convicted that adoption should be our next step. Of course, we will continue to pray for a miraculous natural conception. But I believe our efforts should be directed toward giving an orphaned child a loving home.

Of course, we know that God's plan may be different than ours. He may change our hearts or drop the aforementioned bag of money in our laps. Who knows. At this point, I pray that the FET yields a healthy pregnancy. If not, I pray that Wade and I will have congruent feelings about our next step.

Please keep the questions coming! Blessings, Ramona

Vision of Loveliness

The day after Mother's Day, Liliana awoke from her nap, and instead of her usual, "Mama, mama!" she climbed out of her crib and turned on the light. Wade noticed that her light was on, and I decided to investigate. I quietly peered in to spy on her activities.

Much to my surprise, Liliana was not swinging from the ceiling fan, but rather sitting quietly in the rocking chair, looking at our family photo. When she heard the door open, she looked up and said ever-so-sweetly, "Happy Mother's Day, Mama." My heart melted. I said, "Thank you so much! What are you doing?" She answered, "Just looking at a picture of Mama." Precious. I could have spread her on a cracker and eaten her up!

Diving Diva

Last night we spent quality time with friends, and two of us braved the frigid water. Wild and crazy Liliana went off the diving board for her first time. Look out, world, she may follow in her mama's footsteps!

FET Target Date

Wade and I are gradually coming to terms with the outcome of our last IVF, knowing that God's timing is perfect and we must trust in His goodness. At this point, we are scheduled for a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) on July 17th. We have two remaining embryos, and they are our last hope for pregnancy through Advanced Reproductive Technology. We pray that this final attempt will be successful. After that, our only option is adoption (although we will continue to pray for a miraculous conception).

Please pray that we may be a blessing to others through this process.
Through His strength, Ramona

Missouri Botanical Gardens in Bloom

We've had a ball touring around St. Louis with our friends the past few days. Here's a shot of my sweet flower walking through the iris exhibit at the Missouri Botanical Gardens.

Adventures in Infertility

Well, it's been a weekend of processing, grieving and binging on Hostess Crumb Donettes, Houlihan's Stuffed 'Shrooms and Diet Wild Cherry Pepsi. I am now back to my healthy ways and ready to face the world again.

After prayerful consideration and collaboration with our trusty caregivers, Wade and I have determined that our next episode of Adventures in Infertility will be take place in mid-July. It will be a double feature entitled, "Frozen Embryo Transfer x 2." I'm waiting for Dr. Silber's people to contact my people to talk finances and firm dates.

Although the cost of FET is much less than IVF, it's definitely not pocket change. I considered setting up a trust fund to help with the medical bills, but instead decided this would be a great opportunity to encourage the sale of Wade's contraband motorcycle. If anyone is interested, it's a striking royal blue 1982 Yamaha Maxim 750 in great condition with less than 16K miles. Place your bids in the comment section!

As you can tell, I'm doing much better today. A big part of the reason is that there seems to be some hope with the dire family situation I mentioned Friday. I'd love to expound further, but it's a private matter--too sensitive to put on a blog. If you feel led, please pray that there is a positive resolution for a couple I love dearly. God will know who you're talking about!

Thanks again for all of the uplifting comments and prayers. A special shout out to Dave and Kate, who brought us a gorgeous plant and loving words. Also, thanks to Wade's parents for lovely outside dining at Houlihan's...a much needed break from reality!

Bless you all, Ramona

Thank You

Thank you so much for your continual support, encouragement and prayer. Wade and I feel the inexplicable strength and comfort that result from people lifting us up to the Lord. It is clear that God is holding us tightly in His loving arms as we grieve, and we are confident that much good will come from this trial.

Bless you, Ramona

Overwhelmed with Emotion

My heart is very heavy today. My pregnancy test was negative, and we are now grieving the fact that we will never hold our two precious children this side of heaven. It's an emotional day for us. And if that weren't difficult enough, I also received very sad news about a family situation. So many thoughts are tumbling through my mind that I don't know what to say.

As far as my pregnancy test goes, I guess I'll start with the medical side. My beta hCG level was less than one, which basically means there's no sign of pregnancy whatsoever. The only way the test could be wrong is if the lab made a major mistake, but that is highly unlikely. As I recently posted, I was fairly certain I was going to get my period instead of a positive test result. The last shred of hope fell away when I heard the nurse's tone of voice on the phone. I immediately knew the IVF had failed.

Wade seems to be taking it harder than in the past. He really wanted to believe a pregnancy was probable, despite the negative signs we saw the past couple of days. Since his hopes were so high, he had a long way to fall when we got the results. Plus, with each failed attempt, Wade is gradually realizing the seriousness of our struggle with infertility. Please remember him in your prayers during this time.

As for me, I've been acutely aware of the challenges we face for quite awhile. Today I'm sad, disappointed, frustrated and a little angry. It's incredibly difficult to hope and sacrifice for so many months, just to learn the treatment failed. But then again, I know I did everything humanly possible to ensure success. The outcome was in God's hands...and now our babies are in His hands eternally. Six unborn children in heaven--it's hard to wrap your mind around a concept like that.

While I am sad that I will not see and touch my children in this lifetime, I am so glad to know that I will know them one day. They are with the Savior now, and I will be with them for eternity. What parent doesn't want their child to know the Lord and have an eternal place in heaven? I rejoice in that fact and rest in God's promises for the future.

I am also so infinitely thankful for the daughter I hug and kiss and hold every single day, as well as the hope of having two embryos for a future transfer. I am blessed in so many ways, and I do not lose sight of that for one moment. As I grieve this temporary loss, I will continue to delight in my family, friends and good fortune. And I will trust in God's perfect timing.

Thank you for lifting us up during this trying time. May you be richly blessed, Ramona

Midnight Musings

It's midnight. I can't sleep. Surprise, surprise. Why is it that my mind goes bananas the night before anything semi-important? I guess I've always been this way. When I was a young girl, I would get so excited about the first day of school that I'd make my debut with six measly minutes of sleep under my belt (but rest assured it was the perfect belt, because I stayed up all night thinking about exactly how to accessorize with my big hair and jellies).

Apparently, old habits die hard. Right now my coach is turning into a pumpkin because of a simple blood draw at the lab. I know, I know...it's really the result I'm anxious about, but it sure seems silly to get so worked up. I should be dreaming instead of typing. My sweet, sick girl has been crying for me hourly, so rest will surely be a rare commodity tonight.

Liliana is doing a little better, by the way. According to Dr. Graham, she has a viral infection that's making rounds in the kiddie community. Her fever should subside in a couple days, and she will be jumping on the bed by the end of the weekend. Her rash was just a stubborn case of contact dermatitis (from rubbing the elastic on her Smiles size 5's). With several treatments of hydrocortizone cream, her tushy will be as soft and squishy as ever.

On another note: My new friend, Niki, introduced me to a Christian network for women with infertility issues. It's called Hannah's Prayer, and I really think I'm going to find comfort in traveling this road with believers who share a similar struggle. I'm sure Wade was relieved to hear I've found another place to express the innermost details of my womanhood. Believe me when I tell you there are things even a husband doesn't want to hear--things much too personal to post on a blog. Ladies who have had your feet in metal stirrups, can I get a witness?!

That reminds me... My first OB-Gyn had a poster of Patrick Swayze on the ceiling above the examination table. Never mind that it was 1989 in rural Indiana, no woman should look up from her position on the table and see a picture of a half-nekked (there's that word again) male icon. We're supposed to be finding a happy place, not Road House. Oh, I digress.

Well, my eyes are tired. Hopefully I'll be able to quiet my mind enough to fall asleep before the next "Mama, mama!" Although I don't relish 3:00am cries, I wouldn't trade the precious gift of motherhood for the world. Please pray that I have the opportunity to be Mommy to another little one in the future.

May God bless you and yours, Ramona

Low Expectations, High Fever

Well, we're less than 24 hours away from the beta hCG pregnancy test. I go to the lab at St. Luke's first thing tomorrow morning, and I'll receive the results between 10:00 and 11:00am. The night before last, I was convinced that our IVF was successful. Now I feel almost certain that I'm getting a period instead of a positive pregnancy test. Happy Mother's Day to me.

I really am a positive person, but I have to be realistic here. The only sign of pregnancy I still have is nausea (and I could totally be wishing that upon myself). Everything else points to an unwelcome visit from Aunt Flow. I hope and pray that my suspicions are wrong about the situation. It's in God's hands now...and I pray that He will grant us a pleasant surprise tomorrow.

The past couple days have been very stressful for me...and for Wade. Not only have our hopes come tumbling down, but our precious Liliana also became ill. She developed a high fever yesterday, and she has a strange rash that's persisted for a week. Poor baby cried in discomfort all through the night, and I had to wake her several times to give acetaminophen to reduce the fever. I feel like I slept for 45 minutes last night. Liliana probably does, too. She has an appointment to see Dr. Graham at 12:45 today, and then hopefully she'll nap like a champ!

On a positive note, my whopping headache is almost gone. Thank the Lord! Life is so much better (and easier) without a throbbin' noggin.

Thank you so much for your continued support, encouragement and prayers. I truly appreciate it! Have a wonderful day, Ramona

Welcome to My Wednesday

The suspense of waiting got the best of me last night, and I decided to have a home pregnancy test on hand, just in case. So I asked Wade to run to Walgreens to pick up a test kit, along with a 2-liter of Canada Dry to help my aching tummy. The nausea was so bad that I wanted to throw up just to have some relief. On top of that, my headache became a full-fledged migraine that kept me up most of the night.

Somewhere between serious pain, serious prayer and occasional winks of sleep, I debated whether or not to succumb to the temptation of a pregnancy test. Part of me trusted the nausea enough to wait 'til Friday's lab test, while the rest of me was sold on knowing the result right away.

I read the pamphlet inside the test kit, and it delineated the accuracy for each day before the "best" test date (Friday). I thought, "Okay, at this point, the test would be 74-84% on target. Hmmm...that's is just high enough that I'd have a good chance of getting a positive result (and relief from waiting) and just low enough that I could attribute a negative result to the possibility of error. Plus, I've had several false-negatives in the past. Sounds okay." Then I thought about the severity of my headache and the fact that I may need some chiropractic intervention. I wondered if I could undergo osteopathic manipulation if I'm pregnant. I realized that I'd need to know in order to decide what treatment to pursue. Finally, somewhere around 4:30am, I decided to go ahead with the test first thing in the morning. I'm sure I swayed the arguments the way I wanted them to go.

At 7:20am, my bladder woke me up from the first round of good sleep I had all night. I broke out the test, peed on the stick, waited two minutes and looked at the result window. One line. Negative. I peered at the stick as closely as possible to make sure I wasn't missing the other line. Nope. Negative. I laid back down, feeling disappointed but still hopeful that Friday's test would be positive. My nausea was still going strong, so I didn't sweat the test results. I didn't even wake Wade to tell him. Why bother him with inaccurate results, right?

Shortly after Liliana awoke, I noticed spotting. I immediately assumed the blood was my typical spotting before each monthly cycle. I had no idea what else it could be. I could feel the hope leaving my body and falling to the floor. A negative pregnancy test and spotting. My heart sank.

I wept as Wade and I discussed the situation. I was crushed. I thought I'd immediately be at peace with whatever God put in front of us, but I felt sadness instead. At the same time I was grieving a perceived lack of pregnancy, I experienced more nausea...a symptom that's always been an accurate predictor of pregnancy for me. I was both confused and frustrated that I could have such a strong sign of pregnancy with two serious strikes against it.

Teary eyed, I called Dr. Pineda's office and left a message about the morning's events. When nurse Janna called back, she offered more hope than I anticipated. Janna told me that the bleeding could be from the implantation of embryos. Further, she stated that the pregnancy test was much to early to be trusted. She advised me to add two oral progesterone capsules to my daily regimen of medications (to help support a potential pregnancy). I asked her if there was any way my nausea could be a side effect of my medications, and she assured me that it isn't. According to Janna, I need to hope for the best and wait until Friday's blood pregnancy test.

After my conversation with the nurse, I felt a little bit of hope wash over me. Although I'm still an emotional mess, I do feel like there's a chance I'm pregnant. After all, the nausea is as strong as ever. So, once again, I will wait and pray. Friday seems further away than ever.

Please keep this situation in your prayers and lift up our desire for a healthy baby (or two).
Bless you, Ramona

Three Days 'Til the Test

I've had a peaceful morning with Liliana. We've been swimming, blowing bubbles, coloring with sidewalk chalk, playing zoo with little animals and walking in the neighborhood. It's almost nap time for the girls, and I'm ready for it! I've had a splitting headache since yesterday afternoon. I know exactly which tensed-up muscles are causing it, but I haven't been able to relax them. Between the headaches and serious nausea, I was up almost all night. Hopefully some rest will cure the aching head; I'll keep the nausea, thank you very much!

Less than three days til my first pregnancy test, and the waiting is driving me bonkers. In the comment section, Mark and Niki (faithful blog readers I've never met) asked if I am planning to do a home pregnancy test. As tempting as it is, I'm trying to wait until Friday. For some reason, the home tests haven't been accurate for me. I've had false-negatives several times. And the way I look at it, this waiting game helps me to strengthen my patience. God knows I'm going to need it. Even if my pregnancy test is positive, it will be a long road before I'm out of the woods. With three miscarriages in my past, I'll be on pins and needles until the second trimester safely arrives.

Keep praying! Ramona

Things are Lookin' Good!

Here's my baby doll swinging in our back yard. We've been making the most of the sunshine the past couple of days, especially with so many rainy days last week and six days of thunderstorms in the forecast. Today I set up Liliana's pool, and she splashed around in the frigid water for at least an hour. I attempted to do my Bible study while she romped, but I couldn't resist the urge to watch her antics. Needless to say, I did not finish my study.

Earlier I read my journal entries from the beginning of January to compare the post-IVF symptoms I'm experiencing. My current physical condition is a mirror image of the days just before my positive pregnancy test in January. My nausea is pretty steady, with a few breaks throughout the day. I'm so thankful for the feeling that I'd prefer to have nausea non-stop! I've been trying to curb my excitement, but it's getting more difficult with each passing day of pregnancy symptoms. Things are looking good!

Pray for healthy baby(ies)! Blessings, Ramona

Hello, Nausea!

A little nausea has come my way the past couple days, and it seems to be steadily increasing. I'm trying not to get excited, but I am certainly feeling hopeful. I've also started experiencing other signs of pregnancy, but nausea is the most meaningful because it can't be attributed to the medications. Morning sickness (24-hour) kicked in around this time after my last IVF...and I had nausea with each of my pregnancies. So, this is a good thing! My first pregnancy test is still almost a week away. Until then, I continue to eat, drink and sleep as if I'm carrying a child. And, of course, pray for healthy babies!

Happy Cinco De Mayo! Ramona

Focus on Friends and Family

A stoic Liliana poses with Wrigley, who belongs to my closest pal, Cindy. It's a blessing to have Cindy in town for awhile. We jokingly call her our "good luck charm," because she's been in St. Louis every time we've conceived a child. And it just so happened that she was here during the IVF. What a coincidence!

Today we bid adieu to Grandfather and Grammy. Words cannot express how helpful they were during the past week. We were very sad to see them go. Even Liliana began crying and said, "I'm too sad." Thank you, Bill and Mary, for caring for Liliana (Wade & me, too), making meals and cleaning my kitchen! We look forward to seeing you for the annual deep sea fishing adventure.

It seems that I'm not recovering as well as expected. The pain in my ovaries has not diminished much. It's already been a week since the procedure. I talked to Dr. Pineda's nurse today, and she advised me to lie down as much as possible and avoid any physical exertion. Easier said than done! Hello, 2 1/2 year old toddler!

Praying for a speedy recovery and two healthy babies, Ramona

Adjusting to Change

Liliana loves to clean her pearly whites with her new "Dora the Explorer" electric toothbrush. This little item has transformed our brushing routine from "Do I have to?" to "May I please!" She absolutely loves the sensation...and it doesn't hurt to have Dora, Boots and Backpack on the handle. Once again, I shout, "Hooray for modern technology!"

My sweet girl has been having a rough time adjusting to Mommy's absences and diminished ability to play. Since Liliana has a difficult time identifying and labeling her feelings (as all 2-year-olds do), she has been acting out in dramatic fashion. As much as I adore my daughter, I was relieved when bedtime finally arrived last night. She gave all of us a run for our money yesterday.

It is clear that the past few days has been bittersweet for Liliana. On one hand, she has spent a great deal of time with her beloved Grammy and Grandfather. But on the other, her world has been turned upside down. For all of her life, Mommy has been there 24/7; and now, Mommy isn't available all of the time. She has been trying to make sense of it, and we've all suffered the consequences. Hopefully things will go right back to normal when I finish recuperating. I have a feeling she'll bounce right back.

As far as my recovery goes, I continue to experience sharp pain in the area of my ovaries. They are still in the process of healing from the egg retrieval. I had a few mild pains in my abdomen this morning, and I've been praying that they were due to embryo implantation. The implantation process may occur any time this week, usually around this point. Time to pray, pray, pray!

Here's to a warm, snugly place for my embryos! Enjoy your Wednesday, Ramona

Questions Answered

Two great questions have been posed in the comment section. First, Shannon basically asked if all 13 fertilized eggs could become embryos. The answer to this question is not a simple "yes" or "no."

To answer this question properly, allow me to back up a moment and tell you that Dr. Silber uses a procedure called Intra-Cytoplasmic Sperm Injection (ICSI) to fertilize each egg. ICSI involves the direct injection of a single sperm into each egg. This process ensures that every egg is penetrated; however, the nature of the sperm and egg (genetic make-up, quality, etc.)determines whether fertilization is successful and healthy growth will occur.

It is theoretically possible that all 13 would become viable embryos, but real life studies show that very few have the conditions necessary to thrive. In three days of incubation, 9 of our 13 fertilized eggs failed to develop properly. Therefore, we were blessed with only 4 embryos this morning. Two were transferred into my uterine lining, while the other two have been frozen for a future IVF.

Incidentally, when frozen embryos ("snowflakes") are used for IVF, the process is much simpler and the cost is significantly lower. We are thrilled that we have an opportunity for another pregnancy after this one. It was such a relief to hear the doctor tell us we had four embryos!

Here is a photo of the two embryos transferred during this morning's procedure. During the three days of incubation, the single cells divided several times and became healthy embryos.

As for the second question, Kate wondered if the embryos can split and divide into twins while in utero. The answer is YES. Although it is not typical, embryos sometimes split and become identical twins. So, if I were to be pregnant with the fraternal twins (pictured above) and one of them divided...I'd have both fraternal and identical twins. Triplets altogether!

Thanks for the question, girls. This is such a complicated process that I don't always include all of the details. If there's something you wish to know, feel free to ask! I'm practically a walking IVF encyclopedia.

Thanks for being here! I appreciate your interest and encouragement. Ramona

Answered Prayer

Today I am thrilled to share praise and answered prayer. Although the embryo transfer took place an hour & a half late, everything else went as smoothly as possible. We had four embryos--two for today and two to freeze for a later date. Yeah, baby! That's exactly what we prayed for and double what we produced during the last IVF. Praise God!

Now I am in resting mode. I am trying to lie down and relax for the next few days. Although it's not mandatory, there's peace of mind in knowing that I did everything I could to facilitate implantation. Hopefully as I write, two teeny little embryos are finding a warm, cozy place to settle in for the next nine months. My first pregnancy test will occur on Friday, April 11th (right before Mothers' Day). Wouldn't a positive pregnancy test be the most poetic Mothers' Day gift? I sure think so! And that's my prayer.

In the meantime, I continue to undergo nightly progesterone injections to support pregnancy. I also take my prenatal vitamins, Folgard supplements to correct my enzyme deficiency and low-dose aspirin to thin my blood. Hopefully this regimen will help create the perfect environment for a healthy pregnancy.

In my next post, I will answer the question posed in the comment section. I will also include a picture of our embryos as a visual aid (yes, we already have a photo of our would-be children). Advanced reproductive technology is such a complex science--it's mind blowing!

Thanks again for your support and encouragement through this process. I appreciate you. Praying for implantation and healthy growth, Ramona

Here We Go!

I'm leaving for the hospital in just a minute (literally). Please pray for many healthy embryos and a successful transfer. I'll post all of the details when I return home.

Thank you for your prayers and encouragement! Bless you all! Ramona

R & R

I'm spending this weekend resting, recovering and praying for healthy embryos in the hospital lab. The discomfort and lethargy have increased since yesterday, probably because I'm trying to do too much. We're so thankful that Grammy and Grandfather are here to help with Liliana and meals. They're such a blessing! I go back to St. Luke's for the embryo transfer on Monday morning. We'll know how our little ones are doing at that point.

Please pray for many healthy embryos. Hope you have a beautiful weekend! Ramona

A Baker's Dozen

All is well! This morning's procedure went smoothly, and the doctors retrieved 13 eggs. I was pleasantly surprised, especially since we only had 18 mature follicles. That's a much better ratio than my last IVF (26 follicles and 11 eggs). I'm very hopeful that we'll have good news Monday morning. The docs will provide us with a magnified picture of our embryos just before the transfer. We're praying for four or more.

Today has been very low key. The anesthesia has now worn off, but I'm still quite tired. I took a four hour nap this afternoon, and I could have slept through the night. Wade's softball season opener is tonight, and I'm missing it (doctor's orders). I have only missed a couple games in over four years of action. Thankfully, Wade's dad is there cheering him on. He may enjoy socializing with all of the wives even more than I do!

Cute note: Liliana just apologized for dropping something and said, "I'm sorry Miss Mama." She followed it by saying, "Don't worry. It's just me, E-ana." My darling!

Well, the embryo transfer is Monday morning at 9:30am. We have to be there at 7:30am to hurry up and wait. In the meantime, we'll be praying for our babies, who were conceived today in a warm, cozy laboratory.

Thank you so much for your prayers and sweet comments. We truly appreciate the support and encouragement. May the Lord bless you and yours! Ramona

Friday and Monday are the Big Days

Big news! My reproductive system has been responding so quickly to the treatment that my IVF dates have been moved up to Friday, May 27th and Monday, the 30th. The first procedure is just 36 hours away! I go into St. Luke's at 6:00am this Friday for the egg retrieval. Then bed rest before and after the embryo transfer on Monday.

As I was watching the ultrasound monitor this morning, I noticed that all of the follicle sizes had increased dramatically (even after the medication doses had been reduced). Since I knew enough about the treatment process to recognize what was happening, I called Wade and told him that the procedures would probably happen sooner than expected. Then I called his parents to let them know that a change of plans may be in order. As usual, they were both supportive and flexible. Sure enough, Dr. Silber's office confirmed my suspicions this afternoon and ordered my HCG injection for tonight (which means my eggs will be ready Friday morning).

Although I have fewer mature follicles than the December IVF, I am hopeful about the outcome. I have to be optimistic and hopeful...and relaxed. After Friday's procedure, I will know the exact number of eggs retrieved; however, we won't find out how many embryos survive until Monday morning, just before the transfer. We're praying for at least four, but I'll be relieved if three are viable. Last time, only two were available for implantation.

All in all, I'm happy about the way things have progressed. I definitely prefer action over waiting. Now I'm scrambling to complete all of the tasks on my "To do" list, so that I can put my mind at ease before a week of mandatory rest and recovery. One more load of laundry and a cart full of groceries ought to do it. The way I look at it, I've got a week's vacation coming up. What a blessing!

Praying for a successful IVF, Ramona

Sweet Smile

Here's the sweet smile I see every morning as Liliana enjoys her milk and Trader Joe O's while playing along with Blue's Clues. I think she has a crush on Mr. Steve, the host.

Corny Picture

Liliana enjoys an ol' fashioned BBQ dinner in our kitchen. This is her first time holding corn on the cob and learning to nibble off the pieces. She loved it!

Monitoring Results

Today's monitoring results were excellent. Praise the Lord! All of the hormone levels were right on track, and I have 18 steadily growing follicles. Things are going so well that Dr. Silber reduced two of my three medications to half the regular dose. Cutting the dosage will slow things down to maximize the number of eggs retrieved this weekend. After the retrieval, each egg is fertilized and provided an opportunity to grow and divide in an optimal lab environment for three days. On the third day, the surviving embryos are transferred into my uterine lining with the hope of implantation and development.

I'm feeling good about the process thus far. The egg count is good (although I would prefer it to be higher) and both the hormone levels and lining thickness are exceptional. Hooray for that! I'm hoping that the quality of these eggs is higher than the "batch" in December. Of eleven eggs, only 2 viable embryos resulted. That's not a great ratio. In fact, it's pretty poor. We'd really love to have four or more embryos this time, in which case we would freeze some for a future IVF. Ultimately, we know every little detail is in God's hands...and we wouldn't want it any other way.

This treatment process has been less physically grueling than the last (partly because I started out five pounds lighter & with a smaller tummy). My abdomen is pretty uncomfortable now, but nothing like before. I am still able to be active with Liliana, just not at my normal level. Last time I had trouble participating in any play activities. Even bending over, walking and sitting were painful. Maybe the tough stuff is yet to come, but right now I'm thankful for the ease of this process.

Wednesday morning is my next visit to St. Luke's for monitoring. I've been there so much that the lab techs know me by name. That tells you something.

I'm praying for smooth sailing and a successful IVF! May the Lord bless you! Ramona

Counting Down

Less than a week 'til my target date! In the meantime, I'm busy getting our life and home organized, since I'll be out of commission for about a week. Thankfully, Wade's parents are coming in to help with Liliana during my hospitalization and recovery. What a blessing!

At this point, my treatment is rolling along smoothly. My hormone levels have been good, and it appears that I have about 18 follicles in the running. We're waiting for the majority of follicles to reach a diameter of 1.8-2.1 mm. At that point, the egg retrieval will take place. I'll get the results from this morning's ultrasound and bloodwork sometime this afternoon. That will give me a better idea of the timeline.

I'll post the results this evening. Thanks for your continued support and encouragement!

Relax...it will happen!

I am in the process of preparing, both physically and emotionally, for the next week of treatment and the upcoming IVF procedures. My body will experience dramatic changes this week as my ovaries expand with a multitude of growing egg follicles. Sitting and walking will be very uncomfortable, while exercising and lifting a toddler will be out of the question. Once everything is good and swollen, the egg retrieval takes place. This procedure involves general anesthesia, an operating room and a short, but painful recovery. Three days later, the embryos are transferred into the uterine lining...and then I wait and pray for babies!

According to Dr. Silber, Dr. Pineda and all the well-intentioned friends who continually say, "relax...it will happen," relaxation truly is critical to a successful IVF. Stress hormones can sabotage embryo implantation by causing the reproductive organs to contract. They can also produce an unfavorable environment for healthy fetal development. And if I'm willing to cut out caffeine, you can bet I'm going to find a way to relax. So, for the previous IVF, I sprayed lavender fragrance all over the house and burned scented candles to set the stage. I listened to soothing music and practiced meditation to prepare for the big events. And after several weeks of my relaxation regimen, I trained myself to go from stressed mama to wet noodle in five minutes flat.

In an effort to kick-start the relaxation this time, I visited The Face and The Body in Chesterfield, where I experienced my first Swedish massage. Being a newcomer to the day spa scene, I had no idea what to expect. I'm the modest type, so I started to sweat when the massage therapist invited me to disrobe and lie nekked (as Mississippi Wade says it) on a table (under a sheet, of course). Then, she described the package and informed me that the "glutes" were included in the massage. My palpitating heart almost came to a screeching halt. Pardon me, but no one ever told me the Swedes gave tushy massages! Thankfully, Nicole set me at ease and allowed me to feel comfortable while she worked her magic. Even with an initial spike in my anxiety level, the hour of relaxation was heavenly. Thanks again to my Monday night Bible Study group for the best pampering ever!

Here's to Sweden, home of a divine massage! Blessings, Ramona

IVF and Insurance Coverage

Today I received my second prescription order via Fed Ex. The first was $1200, and this one was $1500. [I share the financial figures only to help readers more fully understand the process.] Our insurance does not cover fertility treatments--not even the medication. And we are not the exception to the rule. Most insurance companies do not pay for any fertility related expenses. They cover the diagnosis, but not the treatment. It's a shame. BCBS covers impotence treatments and Viagra, but they do not provide infertility coverage. It seems that the company values the function of the male sex organ, but does not care equally about the female reproductive organs. Candid, but true.

There are several states that have mandated fertility coverage by insurance companies. One of them is Illinois, which is just across the river. Wade and I have seriously considered a change of residence and/or employment in order to acquire the insurance benefits. In Illinois, three cycles of IVF are covered automatically. For us, that would translate into over $45,000. That's a huge amount of money!

Most European countries cover all costs related to infertility and advanced reproductive technologies. Many of them also provide several months of paid maternity and paternity leave! Other nations appear to understand the value of pregnancy and childbirth more than the U.S. Our country is so advanced in so many ways, but so primitive in others. It's astounding.

For couples who struggle with infertility in the U.S., treatment is considered a luxury. Every expense is out-of-pocket. When I began using fertility medication, I learned (the hard way) that various pharmacies charge different amounts for the same medication. As a result, I looked high and low for the best prices. During my 1st IVF cycle, I ordered from New York and London, which offered the lowest cost and reasonable shipping.

Thankfully, St. Louis also has one of the top pharmacies in the country (IVP Care), which is helpful when the doctor calls with a last minute orders and prescriptions that must be filled immediately. For this round of IVF, I actually used IVP Care for all of my meds, because they offer a substantial discount for 2nd and 3rd-time IVF patients. I think I saved about 15% overall...a sizeable amount of pocket change.

Anyway, I hope this information helps with gaining a better understanding of the financial challenges facing couples with infertility. I recognize that I am very fortunate to have a healthy child and this opportunity to undergo a 2nd IVF, and I hope that individuals and companies in the U.S. begin to place a higher value on the reproductive health of our nation. Fertility problems are difficult enough without the financial burden of treatment costs.

Here's to counting our blessings and improving our way of life. May God bess you and yours! Ramona

Liliana Longstocking

My girl finally has enough hair for ponytails! She was a hairless wonder for a year, and now she has entered the world of endless styles. Liliana couldn't get enough mirror time with this Pippi Longstocking look. She even watched her reflection in the glass fireplace doors for awhile. What a riot!

Yesterday I gave Liliana a piece of Hot Tamale candy, with the warning that it would be spicy. As soon as the flavor hit her taste buds, she took it out of her mouth and said, "I don't like a Hot Mama." I couldn't stop laughing.

Happy Days are Here Again

I feel like myself again! After five days of antibiotics, I am feeling better than I have in weeks. Thank the Lord for modern medicine! Apparently, the intensity of the infection wreaked havoc on my body, zapping my energy level and causing physical and emotional exhaustion. I'm sure some ups and downs are on the horizon due to daily doses of hormones...but right now I'm just thankful to be back to normal.

So far, I haven't noticed any major side effects from the Follistim, Repronex and Lupron rushing through my system. Just abdominal bloating and tenderness at the injection sites. Overall, I've been positive and upbeat all day, even without my afternoon siesta. I don't have much of an appetite, but I don't mind that one iota. I could use a few days of reduced caloric intake to whittle my waistline. I'm going to have ovaries the size of grapefruits in just a week...so I need room to grow. Elastic waistbands, here I come!

I'm feeling hopeful and excited about the possibility of having another child. Yesterday's bloodwork and ultrasound results were right on track, and I had 30 antral follicles (see "Let's Get this Party Started" from Dec. 2006 for more info on this subject). That's more than I had last time, so I'm hopeful for a higher number of eggs on the retrieval date. I go to St. Luke's for monitoring again on Friday morning. I'm praying that the Lord continues to bless this process and the ultimate outcome.

Thank you so much for your support and prayers. I really appreciate every encouraging word! Bless you! Ramona

Intense Phase of IVF Begins

Let the games begin...

First thing tomorrow morning, it's off to St. Luke's radiology for a baseline ultrasound and then to the lab for a blood draw. I will get the results from Silber's office between 4:00-5:00pm. If all is well, my follicle stimulation begins tomorrow night. My medication regimen will include two oral meds and three subcutaneous injections every day until April 27th or so. Monitoring (bloodwork and ultrasounds) will take place every other day at St. Luke's Hospital until the first procedure. My target dates for egg retrieval and embryo transfer are April 29th and May 2nd, respectively. Everything went right on schedule during the first IVF process, so I'm expecting a similar course this time.

Thankfully, I am continuing to recover from my crazy infection (which I am convinced was more than sinusitis). My throat still hurts, but the rest of my symptoms are steadily improving. Even my energy level has increased! Praise the Lord for decent health going into this intense phase of fertility treatment.

Here's to a terrific week for all! Blessings, Ramona

Answered Prayer

Last night, Wade and Liliana went grocery shopping while I stayed home on the sofa in my misery. Every single cell hurt. I felt so bad that I almost called an ambulance to come get me. This illness has been much worse than the typical sinus infection. While coming in and out of consciousness during the night, I prayed for an overnight recovery. And this morning, I awoke feeling 100 times better. I even felt well enough to attend an all-day seminar (which I was certain I would miss). That's an amazing turn-around, and it certainly wasn't due to chicken soup. Our God is an awesome God!

Here's to answered prayer, Ramona

A Diagnosis

I woke up feeling so bad today that I immediately made an appointment to go see my D.O., Dr. Chao. After examining me, he indicated that I have a serious sinus infection that was resistant to the round of Keflex I took two weeks ago. No wonder I feel worse than ever! He prescribed Omnicef and gave me a $20 coupon and four days in samples. Free stuff...that's one of the reasons Chao's been my doctor for 10 years.

And yes, JohnnyB, I did give up this season of 24 in my utter exhaustion. I wasn't kidding when I said it was serious! Wade and I decided to skip the rest of the season and watch it when it comes out on DVD. Knowing us, we'll probably knock it out one weekend.

TGIF! Enjoy your weekend, Ramona

A Siesta a Day Keeps Heart Disease Away

Not much has changed since my last entry. If I weren't in the midst of treatment, I would suspect that I have chronic fatigue syndrome. All day long, I pine for a nap...but my sleep doesn't result in rejuvenation. I feel lethargic, irritable and unmotivated, even after a full night's sleep. I haven't styled my hair or put on make-up for three days, if that tells you anything. I didn't even check to see who went home on AI last night. Seriously, it's getting bad.

I'm praying for some relief in this area. It's tough to really engage in activities with a toddler when your mind is foggy and your body is exhausted. And being a great mom is very important to me. Hopefully this will just be a short-lived side effect.

Today I mustered enough energy to take Liliana to the Lodge for water follies. She has only been to the pool four times, and she is already very comfortable in the water. Today she put her face in the water and blew bubbles quite a few times. She also swam with a noodle and used her legs to kick to every destination she desired. I was so proud of her! I "ran" laps around her while she practiced swimming. It was so nice to get a little exercise. Afterward, we both napped for three hours.

I am so thankful that Liliana has not given up her afternoon nap. She has always been a good sleeper, and it has been a huge blessing to me. Even science supports my afternoon siestas. A recent Greek study showed that napping is linked to heart health. People who nap three times a week for at least 30 minutes reduce their odds of dying from heart disease by 37%. What a wonderful benefit! I knew it was good for me!

Here's to sleep...restful and refreshing sleep. Blessings, Ramona

My Treatment Intensifies

Treatment Update: For the past eight days, I have been taking Lupron injections along with my typical regimen of Natelle prenatal vitamins and Folgard (for MTHFR enzyme deficiency). I finished the Desogen on April 5th, and my cycle began on Sunday. At this point, everything is right on track for the April 29th target date. The big stuff starts Monday, the 16th--bloodwork, ultrasound and three injections daily.

As for the emotional side of things, I have been experiencing pretty serious mood swings for the past few days. I feel irritable, tense and tired about 75% of the time...but I do have good moments, too. Unfortunately, today was especially rough. I felt as if I had been flattened by a steamroller. My neck and head have been aching like crazy...and all I want to do is lie down and sleep. That doesn't fly with a toddler.

I don't remember feeling this crummy with the first IVF protocol. Hopefully things will improve soon. If not, this will be very a long month.

Although I did not choose to struggle with infertility, I did prayerfully choose IVF. So, I will accept the side effects and hold tight to the hope of a successful outcome. I pray that I will be a blessing to others through this process, no matter what happens.

Have a wonderful day! Ramona

Easter Celebration

Here we are in all of our glory on Easter afternoon (notice the heavenly rays of light shining down on us). Liliana is obviously saying the "ch" part of "cheese" as Mama Joy snaps the photo.
Sunday morning, Wade and I attended the church where I was baptized as a teenager. So many faces looked familiar, but the place seemed much smaller now that I've "grown up."
We enjoyed spending time with my mom over the weekend. Liliana played with her Grammy's toys, colored pictures, bounced around on a big orange ball and played sweet sonatas on the out-of-tune piano all weekend long.
We also had lots of time with my brother and his beautiful family. Liliana and her cousin Luke had a ball together while cousin Clayton seemed happy as a lark cruising around the house. Watching the kiddos was such a joy!
As we pulled out of my mom's driveway, I felt such sadness. Although we see my family several times a year, I wish for more. I miss them dearly, and I would love for Liliana to have close relationships with them.
Here's to family, near and far. Blessings, Ramona

And they're off!

This poor pony got more than she bargained for as a birthday party attraction. After three laps with jockey Ramona, she had to take a long rest in the trailer.

I've got skills.

Giddyup Pony!

Liliana rides a pony at her cousin Luke's birthday party. Doesn't she look serious about her equestrian endeavors! During Easter weekend, we spent time with family and friends in my hometown. To celebrate the risen Lord, we hula hooped, hunted eggs, rode dirt bikes, learned balloon tricks and laughed til our cheeks hurt. On the way back to St. Louis, Liliana seemed a bit funky. Out of the blue, she hurled the contents of her tummy all over the car. After a roadside clean-up, we spent four stinky hours in the car on the road. Wade drove fast...very fast.

Whose Hands

A basketball in my hands is worth about $19.
A basketball in Michael Jordan's hands is worth about $33 million.
A golf club is useless in my hands.
A golf club in Tiger Wood's hands is twelve major golf championships
It depends on whose hands it's in...
A rod in my hands will keep away a wild animal.
A rod in Moses' hands will part the mighty sea.
A sling shot in my hands is a toy.
A slingshot in David's hands is a mighty weapon.
It depends on whose hands it's in...
Two fish and five loaves in my hands is a couple of fish sandwiches.
Two fish and five loaves in Jesus' hands will feed thousands.
Nails in my hands might produce a bird house.
Nails in Christ Jesus' hands will produce salvation for the entire world.
It depends on whose hands they're in...
As you see now it depends on whose hands it's in.
So put your concerns, worries, fears, hopes, dreams,
families and relationships in God's Hands.
Because it really does depend whose hands they're in.

Adapted from "It All Depends on Whose Hands It's In" By Paul Ciniraj

One of Those Weeks

I'm having one of those weeks where it seems like everyone around me in pregnant or giving birth or planning with the full expectation of success. Sometimes I feel completely alone in this infertility struggle. I know it's not true, but I sure feel isolated sometimes. It's so crazy that there are women like me who consider every child to be a miracle and then other women (some of them my previous clients) have several unwanted children all with different daddies. This is just one of those things that is beyond my comprehension.

At the same time life seems so unfair, I also know that God works in all of these situations for good. Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Therefore, even the toughest things in life benefit the Lord's kingdom in some way.

Maybe it's just my mood swing making me sentimental and somewhat negative (yes, the rollercoaster has begun). Either way, I'm having a "down" week. I'll bounce back, not to worry.

Time for my shot. More to come...

Sick again!

Well, Wade and I are both sick with some sort of upper respiratory infection. Wade never recovered from his bronchitis & walking pneumonia, and now he's suffering from this cold. Poor baby. We're praying that Liliana does not come down with it. So far, she seems to be healthy. PTL! St. Louis weather is not helping the situation much. All of the sudden, it's 50 degrees and we need to wear winter coats again. Boy, I sure was loving that gorgeous spring weather!

On Your Mark, Get Set...

Tonight was my first in a series of dozens of injections. It really was no big deal. I'm what you'd call an old dog in the world of infertility, and giving shots is not a new trick. Even though I've done this before, we're still required to participate in a "refresher course" on administering injections. That will be our exciting family outing tomorrow morning. After that appointment, we'll traipse upstairs to Dr. Silber's office and tearfully part with a large sum of money.

So far, this has been a slow process. Think of cold, thick molasses. I'm trying to keep my thoughts occupied with other things so that I am not consumed by the IVF process. Right now I'm pretty ill with some sort of upper respiratory infection, so my mind is actively solving the dilemma of how to rest when neither nostril is functioning. When I'm not focused on treating my list of symptoms, I'm currently dealing with important neighborhood issues (Wade and I are trustees of our subdivision). I'm also gearing up for an exciting trip to see family in Indiana. And, as always, taking care of my husband and daughter is number one.

I have a feeling that the next month is going to feel like a year. The most difficult aspects are dealing with the unknown variables and waiting to see if the IVF was a success. We will do our best to rest in God and put all of the details in His hands.

May you be richly blessed during this holy week, Ramona

Treatment, Triplets and Tomfoolery

My treatment intensifies tomorrow whith the start of Lupron shots. I have to administer them myself every evening at the same time. We are hoping for more embryos this IVF cycle. We have decided to increase the number we transfer. Last time, we transferred two (which is all we produced). This time, we have requested that the medical team implant up to three embryos (God willing, we have that many). If we are fortunate enough to have four, we will transfer two and freeze two for the next IVF cycle. If there are five, we'll implant three and freeze two. And so on.

Yes, our chance of having multiples goes up, but considering that I've had three miscarriages, there is little chance that all three would develop healthily. A few nights ago, I had a dream that I was pregnant with triplets (wild dreams are a side effect of the Desogen). Sure, triplets are a possibility--but it's unlikely with my history.

It's fun for me to think about potential names, but I try not to dwell on it too long. I don't want to count my embryos before they hatch (embryos really do hatch, did you know that). If we have twin boys, we'll probably name them Lenny and Squiggy, but I'm not sure about triplets. Maybe Larry, Moe and Curly? Okay, simmer down!--I'm only kidding! A little April Fool's Day humor. Of course those names are not on our list!

Hope you played a little prank on someone you love today! Even more, I hope you enjoyed Palm Sunday and all of it's meaning.

Bless you! Ramona