Thank God for antibiotics! I am happy to report that my knock-down, drag-out fight with an infection is almost one for the history books. I was almost down for the count, but I rose up just in time to hear "...9...10." I'm still a little woozy, but I'm still standing!
Whew, I'm alive! It's like I'm getting a new lease on life. Isn't it amazing how we appreciate the simple pleasures (e.g., sitting up without props, the painless swallowing of food, maintaining a constant 98.6 degrees) after experiencing a debilitating illness? I feel like a new woman.
Last night, Wade and I actually hired a sitter and enjoyed a night out. We had been looking forward to this event for months--Trivia Night at our church. If you have never experienced it, you are truly missing out! I kid you not. Good, clean fun with incredible laughs. It's a riot! Even though I wasn't feeling 100%, we had a terrific time.
Today I attended my dear friend Jen's baby shower. It was the first "baby event" I've been to since our miscarriage. I thought it would be a piece of cake, since I was very excited to see Jen and celebrate with her. And, after all, I do have a beautiful daughter of my own. But then (just like after our other losses), when I actually get in the situation, it's like an emotional funk envelops me. And either I get sensitive and weepy about the silliest little things OR I'm completely unable to feel the depth and range of emotions that I should--and want to---for other people and their good fortune. I want to be elated, but I can only manage to be happy. It may just seem like semantics, but there's a big difference. It's really very troubling for me.
In my mind I'm thinking, "I love Jen and I'm thrilled that she's expecting, especially since she had a tough time getting pregnant. I have prayed for this child, and she & her husband are going to be such super parents!" I should be completely overjoyed for the blessings of my friend, but my heart is selfishly focused on its own hurting and longing. I feel like such an ingrate, and then I remind myself, "This is normal. You are grieving."
I'm tired of grieving.
I have seen a great deal of sorrow in my short life, especially during the past two years. Of course, I've experienced many blessings, but we've also suffered one heavy loss after another: monthly infertility struggles, multiple miscarriages, and the suffering and death of loved ones (just to name a few). At this point I should be able to fly through the five stages of grief in an hour or two. But, unfortunately, that's not the way God intended.
The good news is that we are never alone. God holds us close during tough times. An even as I write the words on this page, He is loving me and taking care of my needs. The Lord knows every single tear we shed, and He provides the comfort to help us through. It is in times like these we must lift our eyes to Him--our maker, comforter and healer. He is all we'll ever need.
Some powerful verses for me...
Isaiah 40:29-31 He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
2 Corinthians 4:17-18 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
1 comment:
Ramona-
First, SO glad you are feeling better. And SO glad that you went to the trivia night. I couldn't make it this year, but certainly know how fun it can be - I'm sure it lifted you spirits even for a few hours!
Second, allow yourself to grieve! I know it stinks being in a funk, but you, as a counselor, know that you need to let yourself grieve over this loss - however long it takes. In the meantime, remember to talk to your husband (he is grieving, too, even if in a different way - John and I found that we grieve very differently), lean on your friends, and most importantly, lean on HIM who sustains you. I love your verses - MEMORIZE THEM! You are sure to need them again in your life, unfortunately, and HE indeed gives us strength that we would not have on our own. How do non-believers make it through these struggles, I'll never know.
Take care of yourself!
Julie Bauer
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