My Heart is Outside My Body

Photo: Darling Liliana plays dress up with princess outfits. According to this fashion diva, layers are in this Spring.

Today has been very emotional for me...again. It seems like each 24 hours is filled with every mood in the unabridged psychologist's handbook.
One minute, I'm sensitive and sobbing over a silly TV ad about a dog...the next minute I'm so irritable that I want to jump out of my skin. It's getting to be quite frustrating.

I don't mind being sentimental. It's actually a nice change of pace for this even-tempered optimist. I'm usually not a touchy-feely and misty-eyed girl, but I can handle it for awhile. However, the anger and irritability have gotta go! My moodiness is wearing me out, and it seems to be interfering with my relationships. I know I must be hurting the people around me, and there's no doubt that Wade is experiencing more drama than he would like. I apologize, honey...sincerely and publicly!

In addition to being a walking billboard for psychotropic meds, I find myself fearing that something bad will happen to Liliana. As Elizabeth Stone writes, "Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." I agree with that sentiment 100%.

I love and adore Liliana more than I ever thought possible. And I truly believe that she is our miracle child. Because she is so very precious to me, I have begun to develop intense anxiety about losing her. As a professional counselor, I realize that my fear is a result of losing our third baby and knowing that we may never have another biological child. As a Christian, I understand that I should be clinging tightly to God and holding loosely the things of this world. And I know I should be pouring out my grief before the Lord and trusting Him to take care of my family. Even so, I'm having a difficult time bringing my mind and heart together on these matters. I'm trying, Lord, You know I am!

Please pray that I would grieve well and glorify God in this process. Pray that the Lord will calm my fears and replace my doubts with wisdom and courage. Please pray that my personal relationships would be strengthened through this trial, and that my love for the Lord will grow each day.

Thank you for being here with me through one of the most challenging times of my life. God bless you and yours!