I found this article a couple weeks ago, and found it to be a quite accurate description with appropriate advice. It wasn't copyrighted, but I'll add the credits when I find the site again. I thought it would be helpful for those who would like to understand what it's like for people who experience a miscarriage. It's a good follow-up to yesterday's post about my difficulty attending a baby shower. Here goes:
The death of an unborn baby is a unique loss that involves unique grief. After a miscarriage, many women describe a great sense of emptiness. Ultrasound pictures may be the only tangible evidence that you have to document that you “really were pregnant.”
Because technology today allows women to know very early on when they are pregnant, the bonding process starts early. Dreams and fantasizes begin as you imagine your life with a baby. Yet with a miscarriage, there is often nothing tangible to grieve. It is an invisible loss.
You may dream and fantasize about being pregnant for weeks after the loss. Anger and depression are common, and questions such as, "Why me?" may surface. It is common to want answers even though none may exist. Anger may be directed at the doctor, feeling that he or she could have done more or at least have been more concerned.
Guilt is one of the most common post-miscarriage feelings. You may wonder if something you did caused the event. Many women ask, "Did I exercise too much?” or, “What did I eat that might have caused this?" In truth, such factors are rarely, if ever, the cause of a miscarriage.
When you have had a miscarriage you need to grieve several things: the baby, the pregnancy and your hopes and dreams about how this pregnancy would have changed your life. This is particularly hard to do when the loss occurs early in the pregnancy. There may have been few physical changes, and only a few family members or friends aware that you were pregnant. If the loss occurred later in a pregnancy, you may have something tangible to help you grieve, such as ultrasound pictures and celebration cards or you may have felt the baby move.
Grief takes time; it peaks and fades. Certain events can trigger its intensity such as going back to work, getting your period, making love again, and anniversaries of the miscarriage and birth date. Often grief is triggered by holidays such as Mother’s Day or Father’s Day or when a friend gives birth.
Grief has several stages. The initial feelings are usually shock and denial followed by the feelings of being out of control and very vulnerable, including thoughts about your own death and how short life is. Anger, irritability and mood swings are very normal. Sadness, loneliness and emptiness may be intense, and depression is not uncommon. Feelings about other losses may resurface. If these feelings impact your sleeping, eating, working and ability to cope everyday, seeing a therapist is important and helpful.
Men and women often react differently to the trauma of a miscarriage. Many men feel they must be strong and protect their wives from their own feelings of loss and sadness. Others are more concerned about the medical and emotional health of their wife and spend much of their energy trying to “make it better.” Society tends to reinforce this; often others only ask how the woman is doing, not the expectant father. In most cases it helps if a man can show his sadness to his partner.
It will not make her feel worse and will lessen any sense of isolation or feelings that this was more important to her than to him. If a husband avoids the topic the wife may feel that he is emotionally abandoning her. Remember that you may each react in individual ways; one may be actively grieving while the other gives support and later the roles may reverse. Talk about what is the hardest part for each of you, and tell your partner what they can do to help you through this difficult time. Grief is a lonely and individual experience, but you can support and not judge each other as you navigate the waves of sadness, anger and vulnerability of grief.
Talking about how to memorialize the loss of your baby and pregnancy can be helpful. Suggestions from other couples include: plant a shrub or tree; place a special stone in your garden; write a poem or share your written thoughts; buy a piece of jewelry with the baby’s birthstone; or make a donation in acknowledgment of the loss.
Following a miscarriage, you may be surprised at how envious and jealous you are of woman who are pregnant or who are parenting. You may feel like a bad person when these feelings erupt but you need to understand that this is a common response following a pregnancy loss. You will not always feel this way, but for a time you may need to protect yourself from situations that increase your pain or envy.
Family and friends often will unknowingly say all the wrong things to a couple who has recently lost a pregnancy. Society has no rituals to address this kind of loss or to acknowledge the couple's grief. With an early miscarriage they may have been unaware that you were pregnant and may just focus on that. If you have another child at home they may say you are lucky to have at least one. Others may say it was nature’s way of preventing a child with defects from being born. They may tell you were lucky to get pregnant and after a certain amount of time expect you to “get over it.”
None of these responses are comforting when you have lost a longed-for child. Often people are embarrassed and don’t know how to address others’ feelings of sadness. They may feel uncomfortable talking about intimate feelings or it may set off some personal feelings of loss. It is important you select people to talk with who will be supportive and understanding. If people say unhelpful things, be direct and say, “We lost a baby and we need you to understand how awful this is for us.”
If you have other children, this can be a confusing and frightening time for them. If you were hospitalized it is important to reassure them that are better now, and if they see you emotional tell them that it is because you are sad. Young children need to be reassured that you love and treasure them. If they are old enough to know that you were pregnant, they need to be told that the baby will not be coming. Your explanations will be different depending on their ages, to meet their level of understanding.
Just as it took time to adjust to the idea of being pregnant, it may take time to adjust to the non-pregnant state. There is a tendency for people to feel that they must get on with life and not focus on sad events and feelings. But, in truth, grieving is a process and healing is a process; with them, emotions ebb and flow. On some days or weeks you may feel fine; on others, you may feel sad and depressed. Allow yourself to go through the various stages, and surround yourself with supportive and encouraging people.
Your miscarriage may cause you to wonder if and when you will ever be able to have a child. The answer to this question may cause completely new sorrow and a life-long grief process. Seek the wisdom of medical professionals to learn your options, and consider counseling to help you through the decision-making process. Just remember: you are not alone. There are many support networks available online and in your community.
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