Blessed by a Nightmare

Last night I had a terrible dream that Liliana went to the hospital and died tragically. The images were quite graphic and filled with emotion. I felt total shock, emptiness and the most intense sadness I've ever known. In the midst of this awful nightmare, I fought to wake up and come back to reality. Once I was finally awake, I struggled for hours to shake off the feelings associated with the dream. I checked on Liliana and held her close, trying to impress my stubborn and sleepy mind with the fact that she truly was safe and sound.

For the rest of the night, my heart ached. I prayed to God and faded in and out of restless sleep. I awoke this morning feeling exhausted and emotional, but so glad to hear my sweet daughter's voice. As a result of my difficult night, I have a renewed wonder and appreciation for her, and I desire to soak up every moment with my precious child. The challenges of motherhood now seem rather insignificant, while the little pleasures appear so grand.

Although I do not wish to have another experience like the one last night, I am thankful for the renewed perspective it inspired. Not only will I enjoy my family more fully, but I will seize this day. I will leave loved ones with loving words. And I will not miss an opportunity to live out loud!

In the words of Charles Swindoll, "Today is unique. It has never occurred before and it will never be repeated. At midnight it will end, quietly, suddenly, totally. Forever. But the hours between now and then are opportunities with eternal possibilities."

Thank you for being here. May God bless you and yours! Ramona

Let the Games Begin!

It's official! Today we paid the deposit on our next IVF treatment. Our target dates are April 29th & May 2nd (egg retrieval and embryo transfer, respectively). This long process actually begins with the start of my next cycle. With this online journal, you'll have a front row seat to all of the action.

Today is Wade's birthday, and he has bronchitis, pharyngitis, and some other kind of "itis." Poor baby! Liliana seems to be feeling much better, while I have the 24/7 kind of nausea that makes me leary of eating. The bright side: instant diet!

Funny: Liliana just exclaimed, "Mom, come check me out!" Then she said with a serious tone, "Don't worry, Mom." Both phrases made me laugh, and then I began to wonder: since when did she graduate from saying "Mommy" to plain ol' "Mom?" Is she suddenly too mature for "Mommy?" Good grief!

Another Funny: This morning from her carseat Liliana remarked, "Hello, McFly!" (from Back to the Future as relayed by Mommy--oh, I'm sorry...Mom." She's two going on 20 sometimes!

Happy 24 watching tonight, my fellow addicts!

On the Mend

We are each getting over our respective illnesses with every passing hour. Our prayers were answered last night when the "messy stuff" stopped at bedtime. Liliana threw up all over me (thank you very much) twice around 7:00pm, and that was the last we've seen of the virus. Liliana awoke only three times during her slumber, but not for any serious (or icky) reason. Hallelujah!
And, thank goodness we replaced our clothes dryer quickly after it burned out. I've done at least seven disgusting loads of laundry during the past 36 hours. I do not wish this illness on anyone! It is downright nasty!

Today Liliana woke up with the appetite of a grown man. Although I encouraged her to take it slowly and eat bland foods, she begged for more all day long. She's eating everything in sight now. Hey, at least she's feeling much better!

Here's to good health. Ramona

What a Mess!

All three of us are quite ill. Please pray that the Lord would provide rest and quick healing.

Thank you! Ramona

IVF April 29th

Thank the Lord for answered prayer! It looks like we will be able to proceed with preparations our April 29th IVF target date. We prayed boldly, and God gave a real and resounding reply. I am so excited and thankful for His provisions.

This is a daunting process. On one hand, I am very hopeful for a positive outcome. On the other hand, fear is doing its best to creep in--fear of the failure to conceive, fear of further financial loss, fear of another miscarriage, and the plain old unspecified kind of fear. As I contemplate what lies ahead, I am reassured and reminded by God's word that we to replace fear with total trust in the Lord.

1 Chronicles 28: "Be strong and courageous, and act; do not fear nor be dismayed, for the LORD God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you nor forsake you..."

So, we will trust and act, and we will leave the results to the One who is sovereign over all.

Blessings to you, Ramona

A Happy Meal & Wet Clothes

Today Liliana and I went on a quest to locate a suitable fish to replace Smooch, our recently departed goldfish. After doing a little research, I learned that God probably never intended for a goldfish to live in a fish bowl; hence, the short life span of poor Smooch (God rest his soul). Therefore, I chose to buy a male Betta, a species that tends to thrive in small quantities of water.

When we went to the store, I was surprised to find that Bettas are kept in individual containers, apparently because they are a type of fighting fish that don't play nicely with others. We selected a lovely specimen with blue, purple and red features. He was lively and quite beautiful (and bonus: his colors matched my kitchen decor). Liliana named the fish "Happy Meal." Although I tried to dissuade her from that particular name, she was set on it...and it was so.

As we brought the fish home, I wondered why Happy Meal was in a closed container in the store. Although the thought entered and exited my mind in a flash, I later learned that there was a very good reason for the lid. Just an hour after we put Happy Meal in his new home, he literally jumped out of the water and plummeted three feet to his untimely and unattractive death. Wade found him on the air vent of the kitchen floor, shriveling up like a dried bean. (Oh, how I wish I could have seen Wade's face as he happened upon the fish and realized what it was.)

Every day brings a new opportunity to learn and grow. Today I learned that a male Betta fish can swim and jump. I also learned that it takes just a split second for a clothes dryer to burn up and die...and it's a very stinky and inconvenient occurrence. Visit my laundry room, and you will find wet clothes lying all around in hopes that they'll air dry by tomorrow. Thankfully, Wade is picking up a used dryer as I write. Hopefully this one will outlast it's predecessor.

Here's to life's lessons! Ramona

Laissez les bons temps rouler!

Infertility Related: Today I received written confirmation from Dr. Silber's office that our IVF is officially scheduled for April 29th. The letter reminded us that our down payment is due within one week (from now). At this point, I have no idea how we will afford the procedure, and I'm totally going on faith. Please pray that we would find a way to proceed with IVF for this date. All of the subsequent target dates conflict with travel plans and family functions (not to mention that they postpone the treatment even further). I'm hoping and praying that we can continue on this timeline. Time to pray boldly and expectantly!

Fun: As you may have noticed, we celebrated Mardi Gras with the New Orleans crowd over the weekend. We were visiting Wade's family in southern Mississippi, and we couldn't resist the temptation of the real Mardi Gras. Liliana was such a trooper, considering the parades began two hours behind schedule and right at her nap time. And, we were fr-r-reezing! We caught hundreds of bead necklaces (some of them very unique) and dozens of stuffed toys, cups and coins. We learned that an adorable toddler on her daddy's shoulders definitely draws the attention of the parade participants!

Funny: Liliana climbed behind me in the chair and started rubbing my shoulders. I asked, "What are you doing, sweetie?" and she proudly announced, "Giffing you a moose-sage!"

On the way to my MD appointment at St. Luke's today, I allowed Liliana to push a stuffed animal in her stroller. As we made our way through the hospital, she weaved erratically through the hallway yelling, "Crazy driver! I'm a crazy driver!"

Laissez les bons temps rouler! Let the good times roll!

Blessings on this Fat Tuesday, Ramona

Mardi Gras

Saturday at Mardi Gras in New Orleans. Liliana loved Iris and Tuck Krewe parades. We all enjoyed the festive floats, flying beads and cheering crowds.

IVF Target Date

After receiving the positive news about our chromosome analysis, I contacted Dr. Silber's office to inquire about the schedule of IVF procedures. The first date available is April 29th. After that, Silber is booked until June. Considering that my last IVF was in December, that seems like a very long time to wait!

With some coaxing and cojoling, I was able to tentatively reserve the April 29th target date. If we're going to proceed with IVF, the sooner the better. My eggs are aging and decreasing in quality with every passing month. And, if we are not led the direction of IVF, I can always cancel the target date.

There are several important aspects that must come together in order for us to proceed with the assisted reproductive technology...not the least of which is financial. Not only is IVF extremely expensive, but it is also physically and emotionally taxing. Wade and I must be completely committed to the process if we are to proceed.

It is my heart's desire to go forward with IVF, but that doesn't mean that it is God's desire for us. Please pray that we will have the wisdom and understanding to know His will and the strength to follow His guidance.

Thank you for your support and encouragement as we journey through infertility. It is a long and difficult road. We couldn't do it alone!

Blessings, Ramona

Heartbreaker!

Liliana on Valentine's Day.

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Apparently, she's going to be a little heartbreaker. Look at the way she stomps on hearts after only two years' experience!

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Hope ya'll are having a great weekend. We're in a Mardi Gras state of mind with the festivities happening in New Orleans the next few days.

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Wade can't stop thinking about beignets from Cafe DuMond. If you've ever had them, you understand!

The Results Are In...

Well, just as I was publishing my last journal entry, the phone rang...and it was Dr. Pineda's nurse calling with our test results. Freaky.

Good news! Our chromosome analysis was completely normal. Wade is 46xy and I am 46xx, which is normal and correct typing. There was no balance trans-location (mismatch of chromosomes). Translation: everything is A-OK, and we can proceed with fertility treatments in a couple months. According to our specialist, I need to have one "resting" cycle to stabilize my uterine lining (for successful embryo implantation). In the meantime, we will prayerfully consider which route we are going to take. Most likely, our best option will be a 2nd round of IVF.

We should receive additional results of the fetal genetic testing any day. Although the outcome won't tell us why we've had recurrent miscarriages, it will give us an indication of what happened with this child. The most important analysis was that of our chromosomes, and we are so thankful that all is well.

Please pray that the Lord will illuminate His will for our family and guide us through this trial. It is our desire to take the first available opportunity to conceive another child, but our greater goal is to go where God leads us.

Anxiously Waiting

It's been three weeks since our miscarriage, which means we should learn the results of our genetic testing any day now. I am anxious to have more information so that we may decide on a course of action and move forward. It has been very difficult to wait, because it feels like we're doing nothing to bring ourselves closer to having another child. In the realm of infertility, waiting is the hardest part. In my heart, though, I am certain that God fully intended for us to be still during the past weeks. We needed time to grieve, rest and regroup.

It's Valentine's Day. Remember to express your love to those you hold dear!

The remarkable truth is that our choices matter, not just to us and our own destiny but, amazingly, to God Himself and the universe He rules. Philip Yancey

Time to Make a Snowman

Snowflakes are falling furiously in our neck of the woods. Schools are closed and many activities are canceled for the day. How is your weather? Grandfather says it's in the 70's in Hattiesburg (yes, he likes to taunt us with the tropical temperatures in hopes that we'll pack our bags and move to Mississippi).

At about 9:30am, Liliana and I braved the wicked weather and went to Trader Joe's. She's been asking to go there for days (she likes to find the monkey and choose a treat from the Treasure Chest). The roads were bearable on the way there, but much worse as we traveled home. I hope the snow stops so the roads can be cleared for evening traffic. We don't need any more accidents! And I don't want to cancel my spa party tonight! Everyone say it with me, "No more snow! No more snow!"

I read a great quote last night. It's by Fay Hartzell Arnold in the collection of quotes Whispered Words of Encouragement. Allow me to share it with you:

See each morning a world made anew,
as if it were the morning of the very first day...
Treasure and use it, as if it were

the final hour of the very last day.

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You have made known to me the path of life; You will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at Your right hand.

Psalm 16:11

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May you really live today! God bless you, Ramona

Going Global

Hello to new friends in Atwater, Garland, Oakland, Omaha, Escondido, El Segundo, Boise, Broken Arrow, San Jose, Ciudad Juarez, Canyon, Dallas, Smyrna, Sheridan, Stone Mountain, Atlanta, Englewood, Petal, Beaverton, Biloxi, Twin Falls, Sioux Falls, Salt Lake City, Virginia Beach, Blacksburg, New Lebanon, Louisville, Hattiesburg, Muskegon, Minneapolis, Indianapolis, Cheshire, Bexley, and Elwood!

Welcome to readers in Dubai, Victoria, El Hamar, Lisbon, Madrid, Flechilla, Begles, Mudanjiang, Dongtai, Ling, Beijing, Jinan, Qingdao, Hetou, Xiaozhaozhuang, Xian, Xinyang, Yaomiao, Yongzhou, Dongguan, Shenzhen, Guilin, Hanoi, Henan, Singapore, Parada, Nagoya, Budapest, Warszawa, Ryton On Dunsmore, Sao Paulo, and good ol' St. Louis!

Even though I haven't had the opportunity to meet many of you in person, I am so thankful that you are sharing this journey with me!

I truly believe the Lord has brought you here for a reason. Feel free to share this online journal with friends and family. And be sure to use the comment section below to say hello or share your story.

May God bless you and yours,
Ramona

Helpful Information about Miscarriage

I found this article a couple weeks ago, and found it to be a quite accurate description with appropriate advice. It wasn't copyrighted, but I'll add the credits when I find the site again. I thought it would be helpful for those who would like to understand what it's like for people who experience a miscarriage. It's a good follow-up to yesterday's post about my difficulty attending a baby shower. Here goes:

The death of an unborn baby is a unique loss that involves unique grief. After a miscarriage, many women describe a great sense of emptiness. Ultrasound pictures may be the only tangible evidence that you have to document that you “really were pregnant.”

Because technology today allows women to know very early on when they are pregnant, the bonding process starts early. Dreams and fantasizes begin as you imagine your life with a baby. Yet with a miscarriage, there is often nothing tangible to grieve. It is an invisible loss.

You may dream and fantasize about being pregnant for weeks after the loss. Anger and depression are common, and questions such as, "Why me?" may surface. It is common to want answers even though none may exist. Anger may be directed at the doctor, feeling that he or she could have done more or at least have been more concerned.

Guilt is one of the most common post-miscarriage feelings. You may wonder if something you did caused the event. Many women ask, "Did I exercise too much?” or, “What did I eat that might have caused this?" In truth, such factors are rarely, if ever, the cause of a miscarriage.

When you have had a miscarriage you need to grieve several things: the baby, the pregnancy and your hopes and dreams about how this pregnancy would have changed your life. This is particularly hard to do when the loss occurs early in the pregnancy. There may have been few physical changes, and only a few family members or friends aware that you were pregnant. If the loss occurred later in a pregnancy, you may have something tangible to help you grieve, such as ultrasound pictures and celebration cards or you may have felt the baby move.

Grief takes time; it peaks and fades. Certain events can trigger its intensity such as going back to work, getting your period, making love again, and anniversaries of the miscarriage and birth date. Often grief is triggered by holidays such as Mother’s Day or Father’s Day or when a friend gives birth.

Grief has several stages. The initial feelings are usually shock and denial followed by the feelings of being out of control and very vulnerable, including thoughts about your own death and how short life is. Anger, irritability and mood swings are very normal. Sadness, loneliness and emptiness may be intense, and depression is not uncommon. Feelings about other losses may resurface. If these feelings impact your sleeping, eating, working and ability to cope everyday, seeing a therapist is important and helpful.

Men and women often react differently to the trauma of a miscarriage. Many men feel they must be strong and protect their wives from their own feelings of loss and sadness. Others are more concerned about the medical and emotional health of their wife and spend much of their energy trying to “make it better.” Society tends to reinforce this; often others only ask how the woman is doing, not the expectant father. In most cases it helps if a man can show his sadness to his partner.

It will not make her feel worse and will lessen any sense of isolation or feelings that this was more important to her than to him. If a husband avoids the topic the wife may feel that he is emotionally abandoning her. Remember that you may each react in individual ways; one may be actively grieving while the other gives support and later the roles may reverse. Talk about what is the hardest part for each of you, and tell your partner what they can do to help you through this difficult time. Grief is a lonely and individual experience, but you can support and not judge each other as you navigate the waves of sadness, anger and vulnerability of grief.

Talking about how to memorialize the loss of your baby and pregnancy can be helpful. Suggestions from other couples include: plant a shrub or tree; place a special stone in your garden; write a poem or share your written thoughts; buy a piece of jewelry with the baby’s birthstone; or make a donation in acknowledgment of the loss.

Following a miscarriage, you may be surprised at how envious and jealous you are of woman who are pregnant or who are parenting. You may feel like a bad person when these feelings erupt but you need to understand that this is a common response following a pregnancy loss. You will not always feel this way, but for a time you may need to protect yourself from situations that increase your pain or envy.

Family and friends often will unknowingly say all the wrong things to a couple who has recently lost a pregnancy. Society has no rituals to address this kind of loss or to acknowledge the couple's grief. With an early miscarriage they may have been unaware that you were pregnant and may just focus on that. If you have another child at home they may say you are lucky to have at least one. Others may say it was nature’s way of preventing a child with defects from being born. They may tell you were lucky to get pregnant and after a certain amount of time expect you to “get over it.”

None of these responses are comforting when you have lost a longed-for child. Often people are embarrassed and don’t know how to address others’ feelings of sadness. They may feel uncomfortable talking about intimate feelings or it may set off some personal feelings of loss. It is important you select people to talk with who will be supportive and understanding. If people say unhelpful things, be direct and say, “We lost a baby and we need you to understand how awful this is for us.”

If you have other children, this can be a confusing and frightening time for them. If you were hospitalized it is important to reassure them that are better now, and if they see you emotional tell them that it is because you are sad. Young children need to be reassured that you love and treasure them. If they are old enough to know that you were pregnant, they need to be told that the baby will not be coming. Your explanations will be different depending on their ages, to meet their level of understanding.

Just as it took time to adjust to the idea of being pregnant, it may take time to adjust to the non-pregnant state. There is a tendency for people to feel that they must get on with life and not focus on sad events and feelings. But, in truth, grieving is a process and healing is a process; with them, emotions ebb and flow. On some days or weeks you may feel fine; on others, you may feel sad and depressed. Allow yourself to go through the various stages, and surround yourself with supportive and encouraging people.

Your miscarriage may cause you to wonder if and when you will ever be able to have a child. The answer to this question may cause completely new sorrow and a life-long grief process. Seek the wisdom of medical professionals to learn your options, and consider counseling to help you through the decision-making process. Just remember: you are not alone. There are many support networks available online and in your community.

Still Standing

Liliana, coloring the Backyardigans book while wearing Mommy's "comfy" socks and the new hat she refers to as "pom poms." Oh, those dimples...ya gotta love 'em!
Thank God for antibiotics! I am happy to report that my knock-down, drag-out fight with an infection is almost one for the history books. I was almost down for the count, but I rose up just in time to hear "...9...10." I'm still a little woozy, but I'm still standing!

Whew, I'm alive! It's like I'm getting a new lease on life. Isn't it amazing how we appreciate the simple pleasures (e.g., sitting up without props, the painless swallowing of food, maintaining a constant 98.6 degrees) after experiencing a debilitating illness? I feel like a new woman.

Last night, Wade and I actually hired a sitter and enjoyed a night out. We had been looking forward to this event for months--Trivia Night at our church. If you have never experienced it, you are truly missing out! I kid you not. Good, clean fun with incredible laughs. It's a riot! Even though I wasn't feeling 100%, we had a terrific time.

Today I attended my dear friend Jen's baby shower. It was the first "baby event" I've been to since our miscarriage. I thought it would be a piece of cake, since I was very excited to see Jen and celebrate with her. And, after all, I do have a beautiful daughter of my own. But then (just like after our other losses), when I actually get in the situation, it's like an emotional funk envelops me. And either I get sensitive and weepy about the silliest little things OR I'm completely unable to feel the depth and range of emotions that I should--and want to---for other people and their good fortune. I want to be elated, but I can only manage to be happy. It may just seem like semantics, but there's a big difference. It's really very troubling for me.

In my mind I'm thinking, "I love Jen and I'm thrilled that she's expecting, especially since she had a tough time getting pregnant. I have prayed for this child, and she & her husband are going to be such super parents!" I should be completely overjoyed for the blessings of my friend, but my heart is selfishly focused on its own hurting and longing. I feel like such an ingrate, and then I remind myself, "This is normal. You are grieving."

I'm tired of grieving.

I have seen a great deal of sorrow in my short life, especially during the past two years. Of course, I've experienced many blessings, but we've also suffered one heavy loss after another: monthly infertility struggles, multiple miscarriages, and the suffering and death of loved ones (just to name a few). At this point I should be able to fly through the five stages of grief in an hour or two. But, unfortunately, that's not the way God intended.

The good news is that we are never alone. God holds us close during tough times. An even as I write the words on this page, He is loving me and taking care of my needs. The Lord knows every single tear we shed, and He provides the comfort to help us through. It is in times like these we must lift our eyes to Him--our maker, comforter and healer. He is all we'll ever need.

Some powerful verses for me...

Isaiah 40:29-31 He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

2 Corinthians 4:17-18 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Recovering

Although I do my best to post every day, I just couldn't (I mean, I literally physically couldn't) until this morning. I have been so ill that yesterday I thought I might be lying at death's door. Thankfully, I didn't have the energy to knock!

At this very moment, a heavy course of antibiotics is karate-choppin' the critters that caused this infection. I feel about 50% better today. At least I can move and talk, which is more than I could say 24 hours ago. Liliana will actually have a Mommy today, not just a warm (well, hot and cold and hot and cold) body on the sofa.

We have a busy weekend, starting with an event tonight that I definitely don't want to miss. Please pray that everyone in this home would be healed of our ailments. Wade and Liliana have also been under the weather. Oh, and apparently Smooch was sick, too; but we had no idea until we found him floating in his bowl yesterday. Sad, but true. When it rains, it really pours!

A giant thanks to Ward and Becky for an opportunity to dine out. We plan go to White Castle next week when we're all feeling good as new. Okay, just kidding about WC--the thought of that greasy food makes my stomach turn. We'll put the "voucher" to better use, don't you worry!

All the best to you and yours! Stay well and stay safe. God bless! Ramona

My Savior

My heart is filled with joy today. We are so blessed, and I feel a strong sense of gratitude...even in the midst of my grief. Wade and I have such a wonderful community of family and friends. And it is so humbling to know that we are continually in the thoughts and prayers of others.

A huge thank you to our dear friends Bill and Callie for the gorgeous floral arrangement that arrived at our door just an hour ago. The flowers are quite possibly the most beautiful ever to grace our humble home. Our gratitude also to Amy & Carl for providing us with a south-of-the-border style meal. We look forward to enjoying it tonight before Small Group Bible Study.

Most of all, I am thankful for God's love for me. Although I do not deserve it, He holds me in the palm of His hand and gives me comfort in the midst of my sorrow. And, more importantly, He made the ultimate sacrifice for you and for me...so that we may live!

The following song is performed by Aaron Shust on the Album: Anything Worth Saying (2005). For me, it exemplifies the very place we find ourselves...human, heartbroken and healed by our Savior.

MY SAVIOR, MY GOD

I am not skilled to understand

What God has willed, what God has planned;
I only know at His right hand

Stands one who is my Savior
I take Him at His word and deed;

Christ died to save me, this I read;
And in my heart I find a need

Of Him to be my savior.
That He would leave His place on high

And come for sinful man to die-
You count it strange, so once did I--

Before I knew my Savior.

My Savior loves, My Savior lives,

My Savior's always there for me.
My God: He was. My God: He is.

My God is always gonna be.
Yes, living, dying, let me bring

My strength, my solace from this spring;
That He who lives to be my King

Once died to be my Savior
That He would leave His place on high

And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, so once did I--

Before I knew my Savior

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Lyrics property and copyright of their owners.

More Doctor Visits

Just after recovering from a mean upper respiratory infection, Liliana is now suffering from an ear infection. The first available MD appointment is today at 1:45pm--right in the middle of nap time (thank you, Murphy's Law). My sweet baby was crying all morning and clinging to Mommy. (Of course, I don't mind the clinging and cuddling one bit!) In an attempt to temporarily numb the ear pain, I used a few drops of Similason, a homeopathic ear drop. Liliana has seemed more comfortable ever since. Hopefully it will last until the visit with Dr. Graham.

My post-operation examination is tomorrow. It's hard to believe two weeks has elapsed since my miscarriage. I'm glad to be seeing Dr. Pineda tomorrow. I'm still bleeding and experiencing some discomfort, so it will be good to make sure that all is well. We won't know anything about the genetics testing for another week or two.

Thank the Lord, I'm pretty even-tempered this morning. I've been so focused on Liliana's needs that I haven't had an opportunity to think about anything else. It's nice to step off of the emotional rollercoaster for a few hours!

Hope your Tuesday is just dandy!

My Heart is Outside My Body

Photo: Darling Liliana plays dress up with princess outfits. According to this fashion diva, layers are in this Spring.

Today has been very emotional for me...again. It seems like each 24 hours is filled with every mood in the unabridged psychologist's handbook.
One minute, I'm sensitive and sobbing over a silly TV ad about a dog...the next minute I'm so irritable that I want to jump out of my skin. It's getting to be quite frustrating.

I don't mind being sentimental. It's actually a nice change of pace for this even-tempered optimist. I'm usually not a touchy-feely and misty-eyed girl, but I can handle it for awhile. However, the anger and irritability have gotta go! My moodiness is wearing me out, and it seems to be interfering with my relationships. I know I must be hurting the people around me, and there's no doubt that Wade is experiencing more drama than he would like. I apologize, honey...sincerely and publicly!

In addition to being a walking billboard for psychotropic meds, I find myself fearing that something bad will happen to Liliana. As Elizabeth Stone writes, "Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." I agree with that sentiment 100%.

I love and adore Liliana more than I ever thought possible. And I truly believe that she is our miracle child. Because she is so very precious to me, I have begun to develop intense anxiety about losing her. As a professional counselor, I realize that my fear is a result of losing our third baby and knowing that we may never have another biological child. As a Christian, I understand that I should be clinging tightly to God and holding loosely the things of this world. And I know I should be pouring out my grief before the Lord and trusting Him to take care of my family. Even so, I'm having a difficult time bringing my mind and heart together on these matters. I'm trying, Lord, You know I am!

Please pray that I would grieve well and glorify God in this process. Pray that the Lord will calm my fears and replace my doubts with wisdom and courage. Please pray that my personal relationships would be strengthened through this trial, and that my love for the Lord will grow each day.

Thank you for being here with me through one of the most challenging times of my life. God bless you and yours!

Our Two-Year-Old Miracle

Every day I thank God for my precious daughter, Liliana. She brings so much joy and laughter to our life. Each time I look at her sweet little face, I think to myself, "I am so fortunate." When I hear the funny (and sometimes quite impressive) phrases that fall from her lips, I am humbled that the Lord chose to entrust us with this darling child.

Just this morning, Liliana danced around the kitchen asking for her vitamin. Jokingly, I asked, "How many would you like?" After a short pause (obviously contempating her answer) she excitedly said, "Thirty-nine!" Incidentally, that was the first time she stated a number higher than twenty.

At only 2 & 1/3, Liliana loves to be a "big helper" with household chores. She enjoys cooking, baking, washing dishes, and doing laundry. Although I know her affinity for the domestic arts will not continue past puberty, it's great fun to watch her imitate Mommy around the house.

Today, I give thanks for my wonderful family, especially our little miracle, Liliana.

Updates

Grammy Joy is in St. Louis for a weekend visit. Liliana is so excited to play little people with her "Gammy Doey" all day. It's nice to have a few days of girl-time with my mama & Liliana while Wade works on projects around the house.

I saw Dr. Chao for my first osteopathic manipulation this morning. Apparently, just about every inch of my back, neck and hips were out of alignment due to my unexpected trip on Tuesday. After about 30 minutes and countless snaps, crackles and pops...my body was back in business. I have to go in for weekly treatments to make sure the constant muscle spasms don't pull things in the wrong direction. The medications are doing a fabulous job of keeping the pain to a minimum. And, much to my delight, I actually slept last night and during nap time today! Someone gimme an "Amen!"

A giant thank you to our neighborhood friends who surprised me with a basket of bath and body goodies. What a thoughtful gesture to lift our spirits! Stacy, Torie, Jen, Jami, Cathy, Mary Jo, Lindy, Lynda and Jess--you rock!

Congratulations to Monica and Ricardo on the birth of Andres Jose (my new nephew) on Wednesday. Congrats to Julie and John, who welcomed baby Christopher on Tuesday. We celebrate your growing family, and we pray the Lord will soon grant us the same gift.

Thanks again to you, our faithful blog readers, for your prayers and comments. Your support truly is helping us through this difficult time. Bless you!

Bittersweet News and a Thankful Heart

As we continue to grieve the loss of our third child, my sister, Monica, just gave birth to her second son. Both Monica and Russell (my brother) are several years younger than me (4 and 5 1/2 years, respectively), and neither has had a single problem with fertility. At this point, they each have two children.

Of course, I love my siblings dearly and feel joy for their growing families. At the same time, however, celebrating with them is bittersweet for me. I guess you could say it brings many years of suffering and disappointment to the forefront. And right now, my pain is already as fresh and raw as it gets. If it weren't for this funny little character building a lego tower next to me, I don't know what I'd do. Thank the Lord for Liliana! She is truly our little miracle.

I'm also very thankful for the beautiful women in our church family. Last night I attended a social event to welcome our new pastor's wife (who is just fabulous). Throughout the evening, my heart was warmed by the encouragement and support I received from women I respect and admire. It was such an uplifting experience. I feel so blessed to be a part of a godly community of gals who love one another so well.

A special thanks to our dear friends and fold elders, Barb and Cid, for the gourmet meal last night. We were so delighted to take a break from frozen dinners! Poor Wade and Liliana are ready for the home-cooked meals to begin again. Slowly, but surely, Mommy's getting back into the swing of things.

My back and neck are giving me a great deal of pain right now, making it difficult to take care of business. (I still can't believe I fell down the stairs!) Fortunately, I'm getting by with an lovely cocktail of Lorazepam, Darvocet and Vicodin. Tomorrow's doctor visit will give us a clearer picture of the damage, and we'll be able to devise a treatment plan. Hopefully we're not looking at a long, intensive therapy regimen. I'm ready for the drama to end!