In God's Hands

Okay, so it's been 17 days of waiting for a miscarriage. Although I thought it was happening on January 1st, the hormone surge, cramping and bleeding did not manifest into more. My symptoms stopped that evening and my pregnancy symptoms continued. Almost every day since then, I've felt "on the verge" with spotting or mild bleeding...but still no miscarriage.

To rewind: On Friday, December 21st, my ultrasound revealed that our embryo appeared to be 5 weeks development (instead of 6 weeks) and labs showed that my HcG level slowed way down (when it should have been doubling every 48-72 hours). Because of those results, Dr. Pineda informed us that the pregnancy was ending and a miscarriage was just around the corner.

So here I am, more than two weeks later, after a very frustrating and emotional period of waiting. This morning I contacted Dr. Pineda's office to alert him of my situation. After learning the details, he sent me to the lab for blood tests to confirm that the hormone levels dropped. They call it a "missed miscarriage," where the body somehow misses the signals for a miscarriage and a surgical procedure (D&C) is necessary to remove the remains of the pregnancy.

When the nurse called this afternoon, I was shocked and confused to learn that my HcG level doubled to over 1600 since the 12/21 test. Apparently, the fetus is still alive and trying to grow, despite discontinuing the progesterone treatments. Because the baby has only achieved 48-hours of development in the past 17 days, it is clear that something is very wrong. As a result, the pregnancy is not considered viable. The bottom line: I am still pregnant, but my child is fighting a losing battle for survival.

I have experienced the entire spectrum of emotions today. Although the doctor recommends an immediate D&C to remove the tissue and placenta, I do not feel comfortable with the procedure until the pregnancy has ended on its own. I know the baby is not healthy, and I know the pregnancy is not viable...but I cannot terminate the pregnancy. I plan to wait until an ultrasound or blood test confirm that the growth has completely stopped. I know that this is prolonging the inevitable...but I do not feel right about ending the pregnancy with medical means.

As you may imagine, it is extremely difficult and disheartening to carry a child that is abnormal, unhealthy and destined to die. But as long as he or she is alive, my child is in God's hands. And though I will never hold this precious one, I rest in the knowledge that the Lord with take him home soon. I pray that these final days will pass quickly so that we may close this chapter and move on with the healing process. We find comfort in the fact that God is in control, and we continue to trust in His perfect timing.