New Year's Day

I should have written this morning when I was counting my blessings and dancing around the house, singing "Happy New Year!" But a couple hours ago, I was quickly jolted into a downward emotional spiral--thanks to the raging hormones that accompany miscarriage.

This is not my best hour. I'm so sad and disappointed and frustrated, partly due to losing another child and partly due to the poor timing. After 11 days of looming, the unwelcome event happens on New Year's Day. Come on, no one wants to start the new year with a miscarriage.

Part of me feels like I should just minimize the grief of this whole thing and focus on the blessings in my life. After all, there are so many things for which I am thankful. But the counselor in me knows the importance of allowing myself to "go there"--to experience the emotions in order for healing and closure to occur. So I'm going there, and it's not fun.

I guess this is a poignant reminder that we should expect real life every day--that holidays are not exempt from the brokenness of the world. It is a reminder that we need God all of the time. Of course, I already knew these things, but now I'm painfully aware.

And as I sit here--writing, reading, editing and experiencing the ebb and flow of emotion--I notice glimmers of joy and hope trying to push through the sorrow. I feel the hand of God holding me close, assuring me that everything will be alright. And as difficult as it is to lose a ninth child, I trust that this plan is good and His timing is perfect.

Romans 8:18 says: I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.

Here's to future glory. ~Ramona