Tuesday, January 29, 2008
The Adventure Begins
Today we received our first email about an adoptive situation. Although it wasn't a match for us, we were happy to see that the lines of communication are open! I never expected that every email and phone call would elicit such emotional responses. What an adventure!
Monday, January 28, 2008
Holding Pattern
One of my favorite times of the day is when Wade comes home and spends one-on-one time with Liliana. Usually my ruffians play "chase" or "jail" or some other rowdy game, while Liliana laughs and squeals in delight. The photo above was taken during a mellow clay-molding activity. Wade made it more manly by incorporating a dinosaur and a prison. What's the deal with captivity around here?
On to adoption. We're officially in the full-service adoption program with Bethany Christian Services. Right now we're in a holding pattern. According to our social worker, Aimee, Bethany's domestic program is "a little slow" these days. When things pick up (and more expectant parents seek placement services), we'll be checking our email with great anticipation. From now on, Aimee sends us each available adoption situation for our perusal. After reviewing a specific situation, we determine whether we would like our profile to be presented to the birth parent. When an expectant parent views our portfolio and chooses us, a match is made. And that's how it works!
By the way, I would be remiss if I didn't give a loud shout-out to Jim J.--friend, neighbor and creative genius--who provided his expertise to make our profile absolutely gorgeous! It perfectly represents our family. Wade and I are so appreciative that we must now consider J.J. for our next child's name, whether it is a boy or a girl!
Blessings to all!
Sunday, January 27, 2008
School already?
Earlier this week, our family went to an open house at Liliana's prospective school. Although she doesn't start until August or September, my heart already hurts a little. It seems so silly, but I know I'm going to miss her terribly while she's away.
Oh man, my baby's growing up! Since the day Liliana visited her classroom and met her teacher, we have been playing school in the morning. She puts on her backpack and carries her lunchbox around the house, pretending to be a student. No doubt, she'll adjust quickly--probably more quickly than Mommy! I'll be that mom who's always in the classroom for one reason or another, and Liliana will be asking me to go home.
Okay, maybe it won't be so dramatic, but I certainly will miss my girl. Leaving home for six hours is a big change when you've been with them 24/7 since birth! And we are tight--as tight as a 3-year-old and a 35-year-old can be. I'm sure I'll discover how nice it is to go to the gym or get a haircut in peace, and maybe I'll even look back at this and laugh. I know I'm not the only one who has experienced these feelings. What's the consensus out there, moms?
Oh man, my baby's growing up! Since the day Liliana visited her classroom and met her teacher, we have been playing school in the morning. She puts on her backpack and carries her lunchbox around the house, pretending to be a student. No doubt, she'll adjust quickly--probably more quickly than Mommy! I'll be that mom who's always in the classroom for one reason or another, and Liliana will be asking me to go home.
Okay, maybe it won't be so dramatic, but I certainly will miss my girl. Leaving home for six hours is a big change when you've been with them 24/7 since birth! And we are tight--as tight as a 3-year-old and a 35-year-old can be. I'm sure I'll discover how nice it is to go to the gym or get a haircut in peace, and maybe I'll even look back at this and laugh. I know I'm not the only one who has experienced these feelings. What's the consensus out there, moms?
Friday, January 25, 2008
Reaching Closure
Wednesday was my post-miscarriage follow-up exam. According to Dr. Pineda, it appears that the healing process has begun. He sent me to the lab for a pregnancy test (of all things!) to check my hormone levels. When the HCG value drops to below five, it's considered to be "negative." I received the results yesterday, and my level was exactly five (thank you, Murphy). So I have to go back and have another blood draw this week to make sure it goes down one little point!
Although I'm not thrilled to donate more blood, I'm thankful to be on the road to recovery. Once the medical issues are cleared up (including the pathology report we have yet to receive), we will be able to close this chapter and completely focus on the present. That will be nice.
Once things get back to normal (about two months), I plan to leave Dr. Pineda's care and return to my original doc. Since we now know that it's possible to conceive naturally, we see no need to continue with a specialist. After hearing from hundreds of couples and experiencing five years of fertility treatments, I firmly believe that the term "unexplained" in the diagnosis of unexplained infertility means "there's no medical explanation, because it's in God' hands."
It's all in God's hands! Blessings,
Ramona
Although I'm not thrilled to donate more blood, I'm thankful to be on the road to recovery. Once the medical issues are cleared up (including the pathology report we have yet to receive), we will be able to close this chapter and completely focus on the present. That will be nice.
Once things get back to normal (about two months), I plan to leave Dr. Pineda's care and return to my original doc. Since we now know that it's possible to conceive naturally, we see no need to continue with a specialist. After hearing from hundreds of couples and experiencing five years of fertility treatments, I firmly believe that the term "unexplained" in the diagnosis of unexplained infertility means "there's no medical explanation, because it's in God' hands."
It's all in God's hands! Blessings,
Ramona
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Lighthearted
Life has been heavy lately, so I'm lightening up today. Plus, we're way past due for some photos on this blog!Since Liliana was itty-bitty, we've always enjoyed mommy-daughter dancing. Now that my sweet girl is getting so big (43 inches and 43 pounds), our dances are becoming shorter and shorter. A couple days ago, Wade snapped this photo as we danced around the room.
My pumpkin during bath time. She loves the water and would probably stay in the tub all day if I let her. This morning we went to the pool and splashed around. Her swimming skills have faded since last summer, so we'll have to refresh her memory during the coming months. It's only January, and I'm already pining for summer!Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Our Ministry
As I recently shared, we have been called by God to adopt a child and to engage in adoption ministry. We do not use the term “ministry” to describe the process of adding to our family, nor do we use it to refer to a formal program. In its purest sense, ministry is the act of serving. In Christian circles, it is also defined as pointing others to Jesus…witnessing, serving and realizing the kingdom of God on earth.
To understand our role in the kingdom, it is helpful to broaden our terms. Everyday life is where real ministry takes place, where we make an impact on others. The faithful Christian lives not only for self and family, but also for neighbor and community. There, we become Christ to others, bestowing the love, acceptance, and forgiveness we have experienced in Him. We minister to our spouse and our children just as we do our neighbor or a stranger.
The Bible portrays the church as a body with every part essential and valuable. There are different functions within the body of Christ, but not higher and lower status. We are all called to the "work of ministry" (Ephesians 4:12). And we are all called to serve.
Wade and I are committed to adopting a child into our family and giving him or her the same love, affection and opportunities we give Liliana. Yes, there are sacrifices involved, but none that make us extraordinary or special. All parents and spouses sacrifice on a daily basis. And we know that the sacrifices of parenting will pale in comparison to the blessings we receive. Adoption is a gift and a privilege—and a beautiful way to add to our family. However, it is not just a means to an end. It is much greater than that.
We consider adoption to be a personal mission and part of our family ministry. Our view does not diminish the love we will share with our adoptive child—or their role as a full and permanent member of our family. Rather, the term “ministry” speaks to our conviction to further the cause of adoption in our our community. While continuing to educate others, we also plan to expand the resources available to other families considering adoption. Further, we hope to help our church establish a formal adoption ministry that will live on for generations.
Ministry can take many forms...and for us, it's about giving. It is listening with your heart, hearing the call, and answering with a lifetime of service.
In His grip,
Ramona
To understand our role in the kingdom, it is helpful to broaden our terms. Everyday life is where real ministry takes place, where we make an impact on others. The faithful Christian lives not only for self and family, but also for neighbor and community. There, we become Christ to others, bestowing the love, acceptance, and forgiveness we have experienced in Him. We minister to our spouse and our children just as we do our neighbor or a stranger.
The Bible portrays the church as a body with every part essential and valuable. There are different functions within the body of Christ, but not higher and lower status. We are all called to the "work of ministry" (Ephesians 4:12). And we are all called to serve.
Wade and I are committed to adopting a child into our family and giving him or her the same love, affection and opportunities we give Liliana. Yes, there are sacrifices involved, but none that make us extraordinary or special. All parents and spouses sacrifice on a daily basis. And we know that the sacrifices of parenting will pale in comparison to the blessings we receive. Adoption is a gift and a privilege—and a beautiful way to add to our family. However, it is not just a means to an end. It is much greater than that.
We consider adoption to be a personal mission and part of our family ministry. Our view does not diminish the love we will share with our adoptive child—or their role as a full and permanent member of our family. Rather, the term “ministry” speaks to our conviction to further the cause of adoption in our our community. While continuing to educate others, we also plan to expand the resources available to other families considering adoption. Further, we hope to help our church establish a formal adoption ministry that will live on for generations.
Ministry can take many forms...and for us, it's about giving. It is listening with your heart, hearing the call, and answering with a lifetime of service.
In His grip,
Ramona
The Ministry of Adoption
Some have asked why we consider adoption to be a ministry and how we could consider loving an adopted child as our own. To shed some light on our views, here is a poignant article written by Brian Priest, pastor and adoptive father...
“Can you not have children of your own?” I bit my tongue as I responded to the question. “She is my own,” I replied. The usual reaction was given, “Oh. Well, you know what I mean.” Yes, I do know what that person and the countless others who have asked similar questions mean. They want to know if my wife and I are capable of having biological children. After all, don’t most people only adopt after exhausting all other means of starting a family?
As a Christian and an adoptive father I have a burden for the multitudes of orphaned children around the world. There are seemingly countless boys and girls that are desperately in need of a godly family to raise them. Yet, sadly, to a large extent they are passed by, unnoticed and unloved, even by Christians.
On one hand we rightfully oppose abortion by championing a child’s right to live. On the other we seem to overlook the fact that although life begins at conception, it also continues after birth. As Christians we have a responsibility not only to fight for a child’s right to live, but also for their right to grow up in a home with parents that love and nurture them.
At this point the questions and objections come easily: “But what can I do?”, “Isn’t adoption expensive?”, “I don’t think I could handle it.” To some extent the questions and objections that are often raised are valid, for the adoption process can be lengthy and difficult. Yet, I believe these objections are often based more on fiction than fact.
Most of us have probably heard the horror stories. “I knew someone who adopted and....” You fill in the blank. Ultimately, all the stories end the same. We hear of a family’s bad experience with an adoptive child and therefore conclude that it is a dangerous endeavor. The fallacy of this logic is obvious, for many families experience similar difficulties with biological children as well. Instead of listening to the myths and misconceptions concerning adoption, we need to listen to God and seek His will. It may not be the usual path, but starting or building a family through adoption is a God-honoring and blessed ministry.
With the anniversary of Roe vs. Wade, it is right for us to renew our fight for the unborn. However, as Christians we have experienced first hand the blessing of adoption into the family of God (Ephesians 1:5). Therefore, we should be leading the charge to contend for the future of the born as well as the unborn.
For many, it’s hard to imagine loving a child who is not biologically yours as your own son or daughter. I have been told that the way I love my daughter makes one think that she is “my own.” She was four months old the first time I had the privilege of holding her, and I can assure you of one thing – there could have been no greater love in my heart for her. She is my forever daughter, regardless of what biology tells me.
I am thankful to know that my heavenly Father, who not only created me, but also adopted me as His own son, will never look at me as someone else’s child. Rather, He will love me for all eternity as His very own. Clearly, adoption requires sacrifice, but we shouldn’t forget what God sacrificed to adopt us. As Christians, it’s time to ask ourselves what we are doing to fulfill the ministry of adoption.
“Can you not have children of your own?” I bit my tongue as I responded to the question. “She is my own,” I replied. The usual reaction was given, “Oh. Well, you know what I mean.” Yes, I do know what that person and the countless others who have asked similar questions mean. They want to know if my wife and I are capable of having biological children. After all, don’t most people only adopt after exhausting all other means of starting a family?
As a Christian and an adoptive father I have a burden for the multitudes of orphaned children around the world. There are seemingly countless boys and girls that are desperately in need of a godly family to raise them. Yet, sadly, to a large extent they are passed by, unnoticed and unloved, even by Christians.
On one hand we rightfully oppose abortion by championing a child’s right to live. On the other we seem to overlook the fact that although life begins at conception, it also continues after birth. As Christians we have a responsibility not only to fight for a child’s right to live, but also for their right to grow up in a home with parents that love and nurture them.
At this point the questions and objections come easily: “But what can I do?”, “Isn’t adoption expensive?”, “I don’t think I could handle it.” To some extent the questions and objections that are often raised are valid, for the adoption process can be lengthy and difficult. Yet, I believe these objections are often based more on fiction than fact.
Most of us have probably heard the horror stories. “I knew someone who adopted and....” You fill in the blank. Ultimately, all the stories end the same. We hear of a family’s bad experience with an adoptive child and therefore conclude that it is a dangerous endeavor. The fallacy of this logic is obvious, for many families experience similar difficulties with biological children as well. Instead of listening to the myths and misconceptions concerning adoption, we need to listen to God and seek His will. It may not be the usual path, but starting or building a family through adoption is a God-honoring and blessed ministry.
With the anniversary of Roe vs. Wade, it is right for us to renew our fight for the unborn. However, as Christians we have experienced first hand the blessing of adoption into the family of God (Ephesians 1:5). Therefore, we should be leading the charge to contend for the future of the born as well as the unborn.
For many, it’s hard to imagine loving a child who is not biologically yours as your own son or daughter. I have been told that the way I love my daughter makes one think that she is “my own.” She was four months old the first time I had the privilege of holding her, and I can assure you of one thing – there could have been no greater love in my heart for her. She is my forever daughter, regardless of what biology tells me.
I am thankful to know that my heavenly Father, who not only created me, but also adopted me as His own son, will never look at me as someone else’s child. Rather, He will love me for all eternity as His very own. Clearly, adoption requires sacrifice, but we shouldn’t forget what God sacrificed to adopt us. As Christians, it’s time to ask ourselves what we are doing to fulfill the ministry of adoption.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
A Letter from Wade and Ramona
Dear friends and family-
We wish to take a moment to thank you and share some exciting news! You have been so gracious in our most pressing times of need. By faithfully praying for us, you have richly blessed our lives...and we continue to be uplifted by your love.
We recently received word that we are moving from the waiting list to the Full-Service Infant Adoption Program at Bethany Christian Services. This is an exhilarating time for us! Our hearts are overjoyed about the prospect of meeting the precious baby God has set apart for us, and we are so grateful to Him for leading us down this path. Although our journey has sometimes been difficult and filled with sorrow, we have gained great insight, humility, compassion and strength. And we are confident that even greater blessings lie ahead!
God has called us to the ministry of adoption, and it is a life-long commitment we are ready to honor. At this point, we could be matched with a child at any given moment. Our hearts and home are prepared to welcome the newest member of our family; however, due to the unexpected speed of our adoption process, we have not acquired all of the necessary funding.
It is no secret that adoption costs are substantial, and Bethany’s fees are on the low end of the spectrum at $17,500 per adoptive child. We are working diligently to finance this adoption, especially since a large sum is due at this moment. We are slashing our budget, auctioning items on eBay, increasing our work hours, applying for grants, researching loans and praying for a windfall. ;) Although we feel we are facing a proverbial “giant,” we trust that the Lord will provide the resources for this ministry.
After prayerful consideration and hours of wise counsel—and since need is great and time is short—we have decided to establish an adoption fund. Rather than sell “I ♥ adoption” T-shirts or offer Liliana’s babysitting services (although she’s really very good with her doll-babies), we thought we should give our friends and family an opportunity to share in the blessings of adoption in a real, tangible way. If you feel led, please consider contributing to our adoption fund. All gifts will be used strictly for adoption-related expenses. Donation details are provided on the right side of the page.
Considering the challenges we have already overcome (by God's grace and your support), we truly hope you share in our excitement. It's so amazing that God already knows the child He has chosen for us, and we are eager to be completely faithful to what He is calling us to do.
To be very honest, we are stepping way out of our comfort zone even writing this letter. We are much more enthusiastic about our upcoming lifetime of giving than this season of receiving. Nevertheless, we are willing to humble ourselves in order to provide a loving home for a child in need--and to illustrate why we call ourselves adopted children of God. We desire that any contributions you wish to make be not out of compulsion, but purely out of the joy in your heart.
Most importantly, we ask you to please pray that our loving and faithful God will be glorified in our lives and through this process. We are truly grateful to Him for you and your loving support and encouragement. Thank you so much for sharing this journey with us. We look forward to seeing how God enriches all of our lives through this ministry!
With heartfelt gratitude,
Wade and Ramona
We wish to take a moment to thank you and share some exciting news! You have been so gracious in our most pressing times of need. By faithfully praying for us, you have richly blessed our lives...and we continue to be uplifted by your love.
We recently received word that we are moving from the waiting list to the Full-Service Infant Adoption Program at Bethany Christian Services. This is an exhilarating time for us! Our hearts are overjoyed about the prospect of meeting the precious baby God has set apart for us, and we are so grateful to Him for leading us down this path. Although our journey has sometimes been difficult and filled with sorrow, we have gained great insight, humility, compassion and strength. And we are confident that even greater blessings lie ahead!
God has called us to the ministry of adoption, and it is a life-long commitment we are ready to honor. At this point, we could be matched with a child at any given moment. Our hearts and home are prepared to welcome the newest member of our family; however, due to the unexpected speed of our adoption process, we have not acquired all of the necessary funding.
It is no secret that adoption costs are substantial, and Bethany’s fees are on the low end of the spectrum at $17,500 per adoptive child. We are working diligently to finance this adoption, especially since a large sum is due at this moment. We are slashing our budget, auctioning items on eBay, increasing our work hours, applying for grants, researching loans and praying for a windfall. ;) Although we feel we are facing a proverbial “giant,” we trust that the Lord will provide the resources for this ministry.
After prayerful consideration and hours of wise counsel—and since need is great and time is short—we have decided to establish an adoption fund. Rather than sell “I ♥ adoption” T-shirts or offer Liliana’s babysitting services (although she’s really very good with her doll-babies), we thought we should give our friends and family an opportunity to share in the blessings of adoption in a real, tangible way. If you feel led, please consider contributing to our adoption fund. All gifts will be used strictly for adoption-related expenses. Donation details are provided on the right side of the page.
Considering the challenges we have already overcome (by God's grace and your support), we truly hope you share in our excitement. It's so amazing that God already knows the child He has chosen for us, and we are eager to be completely faithful to what He is calling us to do.
To be very honest, we are stepping way out of our comfort zone even writing this letter. We are much more enthusiastic about our upcoming lifetime of giving than this season of receiving. Nevertheless, we are willing to humble ourselves in order to provide a loving home for a child in need--and to illustrate why we call ourselves adopted children of God. We desire that any contributions you wish to make be not out of compulsion, but purely out of the joy in your heart.
Most importantly, we ask you to please pray that our loving and faithful God will be glorified in our lives and through this process. We are truly grateful to Him for you and your loving support and encouragement. Thank you so much for sharing this journey with us. We look forward to seeing how God enriches all of our lives through this ministry!
With heartfelt gratitude,
Wade and Ramona
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Quick Note
I've intended to post more frequently, but my leisure time has been virtually nonexistent lately. We've been working on adoption preparations during every spare moment! I'll be sharing a comprehensive update this weekend. Blessings!
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Friendship
Friends are an indispensable part of a meaningful life. They are the ones who share our burdens and multiply our blessings. A true friend sticks by us in our joys and sorrows. In good times and bad, we need friends who will pray for us, listen to us and lend a comforting hand. ~Beverly LaHaye
Our friends have been beacons of light in the dark moments of sorrow. We are eternally grateful for the encouraging words and thoughtful gestures of our dear friends--those in our church, our neighborhood, across the country and in our family.
In God's wisdom, He frequently chooses to meet our needs by showing His love toward us through the hands and hearts of others. ~Jack Hayford
With humility and gratitude, Ramona
Our friends have been beacons of light in the dark moments of sorrow. We are eternally grateful for the encouraging words and thoughtful gestures of our dear friends--those in our church, our neighborhood, across the country and in our family.
In God's wisdom, He frequently chooses to meet our needs by showing His love toward us through the hands and hearts of others. ~Jack Hayford
With humility and gratitude, Ramona
Monday, January 14, 2008
Our Updated Statistics
Months trying to conceive: 48
Cycles on Clomid or injectibles: 22
Months on progesterone: 31
IUI Cycles: 4
IVF Attempts: 3
Pregnancies: 5
Miscarriages: 4
Unborn Angels: 9
Children at Home: 1
Dollars invested: A mind-blowing number.
Tears shed: Countless.
Being a parent: Priceless.
Cycles on Clomid or injectibles: 22
Months on progesterone: 31
IUI Cycles: 4
IVF Attempts: 3
Pregnancies: 5
Miscarriages: 4
Unborn Angels: 9
Children at Home: 1
Dollars invested: A mind-blowing number.
Tears shed: Countless.
Being a parent: Priceless.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Trusting, Hoping, Planning and Fundraising
We are in the process of recovering--both physically and emotionally--from our recent loss. As the moments pass by, our perspective gets clearer. We are at peace about where we are, and we even see some of the ways God is working through this situation. The fact that we were able to conceive naturally gives us hope that it could happen again, like the Lord whispering, "Don't give up." At the same time, our loss is a confirmation that He has great plans for our family's journey to adoption.
Wonderful news! We just received word that we will be moving into Bethany's active adoption program next week! With this change comes great excitement; we could be matched with a birth parent and meet our child at any time. Our new status also comes with additional requirements and the need for expedited planning. And because we were not expecting things to go this quickly, we also find ourselves with a greater financial need than anticipated.
Although we need to get busy, we are confident that everything will come together in God's perfect timing. We have already implemented additional streams of income (eBay selling and my new role as a parenting consultant). Now we must begin raising funds. We are are looking for effective fundraising ideas, and we'd love your input. Please pray that we will be ready (home, supplies, finances, documentation, travel) when the big moment arrives.
We appreciate your faithful prayers and continued support. We are especially thankful to our small group for a thoughtful gift card and to the Memmelaar, Snodgrass and Bauer families for delicious meals. We are so blessed!
Hope does not necessarily take the form of excessive confidence; rather, it involves the simple willingness to take the next step. ~Stanley Hauerwas
Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to an all-knowing God. ~Corrie Ten Boom
Blessings, Ramona
Wonderful news! We just received word that we will be moving into Bethany's active adoption program next week! With this change comes great excitement; we could be matched with a birth parent and meet our child at any time. Our new status also comes with additional requirements and the need for expedited planning. And because we were not expecting things to go this quickly, we also find ourselves with a greater financial need than anticipated.
Although we need to get busy, we are confident that everything will come together in God's perfect timing. We have already implemented additional streams of income (eBay selling and my new role as a parenting consultant). Now we must begin raising funds. We are are looking for effective fundraising ideas, and we'd love your input. Please pray that we will be ready (home, supplies, finances, documentation, travel) when the big moment arrives.
We appreciate your faithful prayers and continued support. We are especially thankful to our small group for a thoughtful gift card and to the Memmelaar, Snodgrass and Bauer families for delicious meals. We are so blessed!
Hope does not necessarily take the form of excessive confidence; rather, it involves the simple willingness to take the next step. ~Stanley Hauerwas
Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to an all-knowing God. ~Corrie Ten Boom
Blessings, Ramona
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Recovering
My mind is foggy from pain and lack of sleep, but I want to express our deep gratitude for your ongoing prayers and support. The surgery was successful, and we're hoping that the pathology report yields information that helps us understand and treat my recurrent miscarriages.
In His grip,
Ramona
In His grip,
Ramona
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
The Saga Continues
Today I had an ultrasound to gain a clearer understanding of my situation. The sonogram showed no sign of fetal growth or development. Dr. Pineda explained that the baby's growth has come to an end, but the tissue surrounding it is continuing to grow and produce hormones (hence, my increasing HcG level). As a result, my body has been acting as if the pregnancy is moving forward, when in fact, it has concluded.
Dr. Pineda further explained that, in cases like mine, it is possible for the tissue to attach to my body in a malignant way. In fact, the growing mass could quickly transform into an aggressive cancer. Consequently, the doc strongly encouraged us to schedule an immediate D & C to remove the tissue. Since the ultrasound gave us certainty that the baby is not alive and growing, we now feel comfortable proceeding. The D & C is scheduled for tomorrow at St. Luke's Hospital.
Coincidentally, I started experiencing cramping, sharp pain and substantial bleeding an hour after we returned home from the doctor's office. The miscarriage is now in progress, and it's possible that the tissue will pass during the night. Because we must have the fetus analyzed for pathology, we are hoping that the major tissue holds off until tomorrow. We'd much rather have the doctor preserve it for testing (rather than collect & store it ourselves). After what we've already been through, I'd rather not go there. Either way, the D & C will still be necessary in order to ensure that everything is complete and thorough.
Wade and I are emotionally drained and in need of encouragement and support. We would especially appreciate your prayers. A special thanks to Stacy for caring for Liliana during our appointment and hospital stay. We are so grateful for family and friends who never cease to amaze us with their kindness and generosity.
Blessings to all. ~Ramona
Dr. Pineda further explained that, in cases like mine, it is possible for the tissue to attach to my body in a malignant way. In fact, the growing mass could quickly transform into an aggressive cancer. Consequently, the doc strongly encouraged us to schedule an immediate D & C to remove the tissue. Since the ultrasound gave us certainty that the baby is not alive and growing, we now feel comfortable proceeding. The D & C is scheduled for tomorrow at St. Luke's Hospital.
Coincidentally, I started experiencing cramping, sharp pain and substantial bleeding an hour after we returned home from the doctor's office. The miscarriage is now in progress, and it's possible that the tissue will pass during the night. Because we must have the fetus analyzed for pathology, we are hoping that the major tissue holds off until tomorrow. We'd much rather have the doctor preserve it for testing (rather than collect & store it ourselves). After what we've already been through, I'd rather not go there. Either way, the D & C will still be necessary in order to ensure that everything is complete and thorough.
Wade and I are emotionally drained and in need of encouragement and support. We would especially appreciate your prayers. A special thanks to Stacy for caring for Liliana during our appointment and hospital stay. We are so grateful for family and friends who never cease to amaze us with their kindness and generosity.
Blessings to all. ~Ramona
Monday, January 07, 2008
In God's Hands
Okay, so it's been 17 days of waiting for a miscarriage. Although I thought it was happening on January 1st, the hormone surge, cramping and bleeding did not manifest into more. My symptoms stopped that evening and my pregnancy symptoms continued. Almost every day since then, I've felt "on the verge" with spotting or mild bleeding...but still no miscarriage.
To rewind: On Friday, December 21st, my ultrasound revealed that our embryo appeared to be 5 weeks development (instead of 6 weeks) and labs showed that my HcG level slowed way down (when it should have been doubling every 48-72 hours). Because of those results, Dr. Pineda informed us that the pregnancy was ending and a miscarriage was just around the corner.
So here I am, more than two weeks later, after a very frustrating and emotional period of waiting. This morning I contacted Dr. Pineda's office to alert him of my situation. After learning the details, he sent me to the lab for blood tests to confirm that the hormone levels dropped. They call it a "missed miscarriage," where the body somehow misses the signals for a miscarriage and a surgical procedure (D&C) is necessary to remove the remains of the pregnancy.
When the nurse called this afternoon, I was shocked and confused to learn that my HcG level doubled to over 1600 since the 12/21 test. Apparently, the fetus is still alive and trying to grow, despite discontinuing the progesterone treatments. Because the baby has only achieved 48-hours of development in the past 17 days, it is clear that something is very wrong. As a result, the pregnancy is not considered viable. The bottom line: I am still pregnant, but my child is fighting a losing battle for survival.
I have experienced the entire spectrum of emotions today. Although the doctor recommends an immediate D&C to remove the tissue and placenta, I do not feel comfortable with the procedure until the pregnancy has ended on its own. I know the baby is not healthy, and I know the pregnancy is not viable...but I cannot terminate the pregnancy. I plan to wait until an ultrasound or blood test confirm that the growth has completely stopped. I know that this is prolonging the inevitable...but I do not feel right about ending the pregnancy with medical means.
As you may imagine, it is extremely difficult and disheartening to carry a child that is abnormal, unhealthy and destined to die. But as long as he or she is alive, my child is in God's hands. And though I will never hold this precious one, I rest in the knowledge that the Lord with take him home soon. I pray that these final days will pass quickly so that we may close this chapter and move on with the healing process. We find comfort in the fact that God is in control, and we continue to trust in His perfect timing.
To rewind: On Friday, December 21st, my ultrasound revealed that our embryo appeared to be 5 weeks development (instead of 6 weeks) and labs showed that my HcG level slowed way down (when it should have been doubling every 48-72 hours). Because of those results, Dr. Pineda informed us that the pregnancy was ending and a miscarriage was just around the corner.
So here I am, more than two weeks later, after a very frustrating and emotional period of waiting. This morning I contacted Dr. Pineda's office to alert him of my situation. After learning the details, he sent me to the lab for blood tests to confirm that the hormone levels dropped. They call it a "missed miscarriage," where the body somehow misses the signals for a miscarriage and a surgical procedure (D&C) is necessary to remove the remains of the pregnancy.
When the nurse called this afternoon, I was shocked and confused to learn that my HcG level doubled to over 1600 since the 12/21 test. Apparently, the fetus is still alive and trying to grow, despite discontinuing the progesterone treatments. Because the baby has only achieved 48-hours of development in the past 17 days, it is clear that something is very wrong. As a result, the pregnancy is not considered viable. The bottom line: I am still pregnant, but my child is fighting a losing battle for survival.
I have experienced the entire spectrum of emotions today. Although the doctor recommends an immediate D&C to remove the tissue and placenta, I do not feel comfortable with the procedure until the pregnancy has ended on its own. I know the baby is not healthy, and I know the pregnancy is not viable...but I cannot terminate the pregnancy. I plan to wait until an ultrasound or blood test confirm that the growth has completely stopped. I know that this is prolonging the inevitable...but I do not feel right about ending the pregnancy with medical means.
As you may imagine, it is extremely difficult and disheartening to carry a child that is abnormal, unhealthy and destined to die. But as long as he or she is alive, my child is in God's hands. And though I will never hold this precious one, I rest in the knowledge that the Lord with take him home soon. I pray that these final days will pass quickly so that we may close this chapter and move on with the healing process. We find comfort in the fact that God is in control, and we continue to trust in His perfect timing.
Big-Girl Bed
Milestone: My baby is taking her first nap in her big-girl bed! I'm so proud of her for making the adjustment with minimal difficulty. Next step: potty training! We'll wait til we return from our Mardi Gras adventure to jump that hurdle.
Saturday, January 05, 2008
Friday, January 04, 2008
My Angel
I pulled Liliana's hair back into a ponytail so she could have "a pigtail like Mommy's." This is what I saw: the most precious face ever! And those dimples--what more could a girl want?! Even with remnants of caramel and sprinkles, this is the face of an angel. My angel.Yesterday she said, "Mama, how are you feeling today?" Taken back with surprise and emotion, I responded with the plainest truth, "My throat hurts today, Sweetie." Her reply: "I'm sorry to hear that, Mama. Wish I can make you feel better." I told you she's an angel.
Thursday, January 03, 2008
Adoption Profile
Great news! Our adoption profile now appears on Bethany Christian Services national website. If you are interested in having a looksie, visit http://www.bethany.org/ and click on "Family Profiles." Although we are currently in the networking program (which is a waiting list of sorts), we may move into the active adoption program at any moment. And if an expectant parent chooses us from the website, we will be fast-tracked into the active adoption phase. How exciting!
We are totally psyched about the prospect of being matched, and we hope to meet our child very soon (is tomorrow too much to ask?)! As we plan for the changes ahead, we can't help but wonder how God is going to bring all of the logistical aspects together. If you feel led, please pray for our financial resources as we juggle our current commitments and adoption fees. We're not sure how, but we know God will provide!
Here's to taking the next step, even though we can't see the entire staircase! ~Ramona
We are totally psyched about the prospect of being matched, and we hope to meet our child very soon (is tomorrow too much to ask?)! As we plan for the changes ahead, we can't help but wonder how God is going to bring all of the logistical aspects together. If you feel led, please pray for our financial resources as we juggle our current commitments and adoption fees. We're not sure how, but we know God will provide!
Here's to taking the next step, even though we can't see the entire staircase! ~Ramona
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
Sorrowful, But Always Rejoicing
Even in the midst of great sorrow, I have so many reasons to rejoice. As I look back over the past year, I celebrate my husband and best friend, my precious daughter, our family & friends and the valuable lessons I have learned. I am so grateful for opportunities to travel, the ability to adopt a child and a new avenue to utilize my expertise and counsel others. I praise God for our supportive church family, our friendly neighborhood, and our happy home. Finally, I give thanks for the trials that continue to refine my character and strengthen my faith.
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
New Year's Day
I should have written this morning when I was counting my blessings and dancing around the house, singing "Happy New Year!" But a couple hours ago, I was quickly jolted into a downward emotional spiral--thanks to the raging hormones that accompany miscarriage.
This is not my best hour. I'm so sad and disappointed and frustrated, partly due to losing another child and partly due to the poor timing. After 11 days of looming, the unwelcome event happens on New Year's Day. Come on, no one wants to start the new year with a miscarriage.
Part of me feels like I should just minimize the grief of this whole thing and focus on the blessings in my life. After all, there are so many things for which I am thankful. But the counselor in me knows the importance of allowing myself to "go there"--to experience the emotions in order for healing and closure to occur. So I'm going there, and it's not fun.
I guess this is a poignant reminder that we should expect real life every day--that holidays are not exempt from the brokenness of the world. It is a reminder that we need God all of the time. Of course, I already knew these things, but now I'm painfully aware.
And as I sit here--writing, reading, editing and experiencing the ebb and flow of emotion--I notice glimmers of joy and hope trying to push through the sorrow. I feel the hand of God holding me close, assuring me that everything will be alright. And as difficult as it is to lose a ninth child, I trust that this plan is good and His timing is perfect.
Romans 8:18 says: I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.
Here's to future glory. ~Ramona
This is not my best hour. I'm so sad and disappointed and frustrated, partly due to losing another child and partly due to the poor timing. After 11 days of looming, the unwelcome event happens on New Year's Day. Come on, no one wants to start the new year with a miscarriage.
Part of me feels like I should just minimize the grief of this whole thing and focus on the blessings in my life. After all, there are so many things for which I am thankful. But the counselor in me knows the importance of allowing myself to "go there"--to experience the emotions in order for healing and closure to occur. So I'm going there, and it's not fun.
I guess this is a poignant reminder that we should expect real life every day--that holidays are not exempt from the brokenness of the world. It is a reminder that we need God all of the time. Of course, I already knew these things, but now I'm painfully aware.
And as I sit here--writing, reading, editing and experiencing the ebb and flow of emotion--I notice glimmers of joy and hope trying to push through the sorrow. I feel the hand of God holding me close, assuring me that everything will be alright. And as difficult as it is to lose a ninth child, I trust that this plan is good and His timing is perfect.
Romans 8:18 says: I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.
Here's to future glory. ~Ramona
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