This is a difficult day for me. September 10th, 2007 was the due date for the precious baby we lost in February. I've been aware of the approaching date, but I honestly didn't think it would hit me so hard. That's one of the toughest things about suffering a miscarriage. You just don't know how you'll be feeling one day to the next. You believe you're making good progress, and Bam! Something triggers the grief, and it's waterworks all over again.
I'm so ready for another child to become a part of our family, but all I can do is wait. It's very stressful for an achiever-type to sit on her hands and do nothing. Even though I'm ready to dive into the adoption process head-first, my husband isn't there yet. And we both have to be on the same page before we proceed. In the meantime, I've been working to prepare our home for a second child...but I'm feeling discouraged today. My heart tells me, "Press on and stay faithful." But my mind says, "Just give up."
And then I feel guilty for feeling bad when we have so many blessings in our lives...especially sweet Liliana. But I can't shake this longing. I know that our family is incomplete, and I feel led to adopt. Why would God give me this great desire for adoption without the ability to do something about it? I'm tired of waiting.
Well, as you can tell, this is not my best day. I hesitate to publish these kinds of journal entries, because they're not pretty. But I've promised to be real. So here it is, folks. I'm sad, discouraged and officially human.
I know the Lord hears my cries, and I know He loves me. I will feel better tomorrow.
Praying for strength, comfort and wisdom. ~Ramona
9 comments:
I'm sorry.
kate
Ramona-
I know the heartache of those "dates" that were supposed to be happy dates and are now sad ones. For some reason, I tend to remember better the dates of my miscarriages instead of the due dates. Nonetheless, I know a bit of how you are feeling. I'm sorry that your heart aches, but I pray that you will soon know the joy that you so long for. I'll be praying that the Lord comforts you and strengthens you and that He will give you the wisdom that you desire.
I'll call about a playdate!
Julie
Ramona,
I just want to thank you for being so real! I can't imagine how difficult that must be when you've opted to make it public, but I truly admire this quality in you as it really helps me and I'm sure many other bloggers to understand the depths of your struggle.
I also tend to feel a small portion of those disappointments and grief as you post them and have shed tears just reading your words on many occasions. I honestly believe that this is God enabling others to share some of that pain with you and your family, giving you the strength to continue pressing forward.
As your journey continues, I have this strong desire within to see you and your family have the blessings of another miraculous, natural pregnancy. And, I continue to pray that whatever God has in store for you will be revealed soon!
You guys are so very special! And, you touch so many lives....just wish we could visit more often. =)
Leann
Ramona,
I admire your "realness" and honesty. It is A-OKAY to feel the way you do and know that our amazing and "miracle maker" God has many many blessings for you and your family. You will get through this will happiness at the end of the rainbow. Thank you for sharing your journey. You are blessing me heart with every word you right. Tomorrow will be a very sweet day.......Do something special with Liliana! We miss you guys......haven't seen you much. Lets do a playdate soon.
Love,
April
Ramoan,
You say your are a counselor but you don't seem to be able to counsel yourself. Quit being so selfish. You have a child. If you want another one so badly, adopt. Maybe that's what your god has been telling you all along. You are just hard of hearing. Further, all the money you have spent trying to get pregnant could have saved many lives and done a lot of good in this world.
Stop whining and get on with it!
First of all, I'm pretty saddened by the words the last person had for you! To want a child is normal, not selfish, it's even biblical! And Ramona has said that she wants to adopt. But you don't just go out and adopt a child. It is a long and expensive process. Adoption is also the furthest thing from selfish! You are sacrificing to provide a home to a child who otherwise would not have a healthy Christian home. Further, Ramona is on the road the Lord has for her and she would not have learned the lessons He had for her without going through all that she has been through to this point! You cannot judge that for someone other than yourself! I speak as someone who struggled through infertility and is in the process of adopting a third time. Think before you speak!
Ramona, I pray peace & comfort for you. Would love to have you and Lilliana over soon for a playdate and so that we could talk. Remember that David felt sadness too and talked with the Lord about his sadness. Call me ANYTIME!!!
Love,
Kelly
To the only “anonymous” blogger above to not sign their comments: When did it become so easy for you to falsely accuse and grossly criticize others? That’s actually quite a developed skill you have and one that I would imagine creates a deep inability for you to really know other people or for you to really be known by others. If you perceive my comments as being mean, test them out; and ask your closest friends what they really think of you. I actually feel sorry for you. The reason: Your statements reflect your wounded heart and distorted thinking process, and frankly you come across as pathetic and lacking in any real substance—and it should be obvious that you are simply rude. My hope is that you take a good look into who you are becoming instead of honing your talent at telling others what you think they are. We are all human and struggle from time to time (Christians and non-Christians) and yet you chose to kick someone while they were down.
Ramona graciously shares personal information about her real life issues and struggles, which is hard for most people to do with their own family, must less the internet public. She has blessed my life and many other lives by her unwavering trust in the only true God who comes to her and soothes her suffering and directs her steps. Have you not read in previous posts how Ramona and her family have been blessed by trusting in the Lord and waiting patiently on Him for answers? Isn’t that what we all need—more wisdom, patience, love, and faith? Regardless of whom you trust, your positions on parenting or the colour of your underwear—unless you are a professional counselor, don’t assume you know the best prescription for Ramona’s life, particularly when she personally knows the God who created you.
The beauty in all this is that many other readers understand what it is like to struggle in this life and have a loving God who promises that all things work out for good. Even your comments which seem to want to harm provide an opportunity for glory--God and those belonging to the body of Christ will continue to support and encourage other believers to stay focused and strong. This life is so temporary…what becomes of what you say, do, and the choices you have made when you die? I hope you take time to reflect on your own life, and that the reasons behind the decisions you make allow you to see a real need for you to accept God’s love, grace, and mercy as well. Until then, I would suggest you see a counselor…a Christian counselor. Hey…I know a good one…
Matthew
I sit here shocked that someone could be so callused. I guess it shouldn't come as a surprise. I think the commenters before me have addressed it very well. Bravo.
Ramona, I am so so sorry for the losses of your precious children. I know that anniversaries and other dates bring that pain back on afresh. I completely understand the unfulfilled longing for a child. While you have many brothers and sisters along with you on this journey, you have a Father holding you up when you feel like you can walk on anymore. I am praying for you.
Thank you for sharing your heart and your hurts so openly. I know it is hard, especially when people who really don't have the slightest clue find it so easy to be critical. You have been, and continue to be an inspiration to me on this journey.
By the way, does your counter give you the IP address for our dear anonymous friend?
I am a little late in reading the blog posts as of late and I just could not let the anonymous blogger's comment go without a reply. Ramona and Wade are two of the most unselfish people you'd ever want to meet. Their daughter, Liliana, is the light of their life. To want to expand a family does not take away from what it already is. God has blessed Wade and Ramona, and I know He has great plans in store for them. I just attended the Joyce Meyer Woman conference, themed "Finding Your Passion and Purpose." Well, if that title doesn't sum up Ramona, I'd be hardpressed to find any other words remotely close....PASSION. Ramona and Wade both have a passionate want and desire for more children. They are moving in the direction to accomplish that (she shares her pains, disappointments and trials not for us to condemn or criticize, but to relate to and try to understand; offer support and provide witness). Since when is pursuing a dream being selfish? I can name 10 things I've done this week alone that would no doubt rank more selfish than for that which Ramona is being accused. I'd bet the anonymous blogger can, too. "Those who live in glass houses should not cast stones." A dream and desire to shower another of God's creations with unconditional love, care and a life of comfort, peace and a home of faith and undying support. Hmmm, last time I checked that was quite the opposite of selfish. Ramona's purpose in life has been made clear...to be the best Mommy she can. Her heart has such love, there is nothing wrong with wanting to share that with another child. I have two boys and I could never imagine not having both of them in my life. My heart loves them both. God has filled our hearts with love not to hide, wither and die. Perhaps that love will be responsible for giving an unwanted child a loving home. And with that love, that child may grow to be a very successful Christian person who donates millions and millions of dollars to charities and has the potential to end world hunger and cure diseases. So instead of whining, perhaps you anonymous blogger should invest your time in something more valuable that will help this world and not cause pain and suffering for people you obviously know nothing about. Amen. Love, Stacy J.
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