In the Valley

For several months now, I have felt a strong spiritual call to share my journey...primarily so that others may see the grace and glory of God in my life. It was for that reason I created this blog. I must admit that the entire process has been challenging, mainly because being so open and transparent does not come naturally for me. I have found that one takes many risks in making her life an open book, and there is a great deal of consideration that must go into each entry. Despite the difficult aspects, however, sharing my life with you has been therapeutic and rewarding beyond my expectations. Thank you for your support and encouragement.

It is with an especially heavy heart that write today. Our pregnancy has come to an end, and Wade and I are mourning the loss of yet another child. Today should have marked my 7th week of pregnancy, but this morning's ultrasound showed that our baby's development stopped at 5 weeks, 6 days. The previous ultrasound was accurate, and today's scan was confirmation.

Because this is our third miscarriage, Dr. Pineda urged us to proceed with genetic testing for ourselves and the fetus. I am scheduled for a suction dilation and curettage (D&C) tomorrow at St. Luke's. The tissue will be removed and sent to a lab for testing. Hopefully we will learn the cause of this loss and know if there is a genetic component that is at the root the miscarriages.

Losing a child is painful beyond description. I am filled with great sadness and disappointment, accompanied by a profound longing. I feel guilt, shame and a sense that I am somehow less of a woman because I have so much difficulty conceiving and carrying a child. It is distressing to realize that I have been pregnant four times, and I have just one child.

And even while my heart is aching, I understand that this is the refining fire that builds our character and gives us strength. I know that many unexpected blessings will result from this trial.

My life is already so richly blessed. I have been entrusted with a beautiful daughter, and I am fortunate enough to experience the gift of motherhood each and every day. I am married to my best friend, a supportive and loving man who is by my side every moment. And I am blessed with a terrific family and encouraging friends. There are so many reasons for me to be grateful.

Also, I know in my heart that this is God's plan for us. God is good and His timing is always perfect. He knew the deepest desires of our hearts and heard many prayers on our behalf; yet, He still allowed this to happen. Therefore, I know this was meant to be...and I give thanks to the God who gives and takes away. Further, I am certain that the Lord has something absolutely wonderful in store for us. My trust is unshaken, and my faith is stronger than ever before.

Today I grieve the loss of a third child, yet I also rest in God's promises and look forward to a brighter tomorrow.