Friday, January 26, 2007

Part of Me

I've read this entry over and over, trying to somehow make it nicer or sweeter...trying to think myself out of this funk. I've debated which button would be most appropriate--"publish" or "delete." And I suppose I ought to just put it out there. You've seen the best of me, and now you'll see the rest of me.

Things aren't rosy today. I'm not feeling like my normal glass-is-half-full self. I've had to work much harder than usual to be positive about our situation. I think my bad mood was triggered this morning when I heard a pregnant woman complaining about the "inconveniences" of pregnancy and having a baby. I thought, "A child is a gift! You should be grateful for this pregnancy. I will gladly trade places with you."

Tears began welling up in my eyes as I sat there listening and still bleeding from the D&C, unable to escape the fact we just lost our third baby and possibly our final chance to have another child. Maybe it's the abrupt hormone changes or the multiple medications; but I have a feeling I'm just experiencing plain ol' frustration and anger.

I am frustrated that we went through the pain and expense of IVF just to lose it all. I am angry that we are mourning the loss of another child--that anyone has to lose a child, for that matter. And just as I start to let myself go to that irritable and frustrated and downright sad place, I feel guilty for feeling this way. I know we are very fortunate. I know I should just appreciate all of the blessings in our lives. But I am a grieving mother who is physically and emotionally exhausted. No matter how I try to frame it, this isn't a pretty picture.

This is the tough stuff of an on-line journal, but it's honest and human and real. I apologize that you've had to see this part of me...the small, but bitter part that will never understand why bad things have to happen over and over again. If you know me, you'll attest that I've had more than my share of drama in the past few years. And I'm tired, tired, tired.

I know this is a broken world, but I sure wouldn't mind see a little more good around me. And just as that thought crosses my mind, I remember that these are the situations that allow us to suffer and long for something better. And what is better than God's glory and goodness. In the midst of our sorrow and sin, we turn away from the worldly things that continue to fail us. ..and we turn to God.

So I will lift my eyes to the maker of the mountains I can't climb. I will lift my eyes to the healer of the hurt I hold inside. I will lift my eyes...

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

RAMONA,
YOU ARE A SWEET, SWEET GIRL AND GOD WILL GIVE YOU PEACE AND CALM IN THIS STORM. YES. IT IS OK TO GRIEVE AND FEEL ANGRY! GOD UNDERSTANDS MORE THAN ANYONE YOUR FEELINGS.
PLEASE LET US KNOW IF WE CAN HELP WITH A MEAL OR LET LILIANA COME PLAY. JUST CALL OR EMAIL US. WE ARE HOME ALL WEEKEND.
LOVE, APRIL C.

we are the spencers said...

since you are being honest - all i can say is this sucks, and i'm so sorry you are having to go through this. i hope you take all the time you need to grieve and feel mad, sad, and whatever. i am still praying for you all.

Anonymous said...

Ramona,
I am so sorry for your loss. Your family and faith will help you through this time in your life. Thank you for sharing your journey and I would encourage you to keep looking for everything beautiful around you.
With prayers,
Beth Obendorf Rice