Careening

For the past few days, my emotions have been careening between pure elation and unsettling doubt & fear. Although I'd love to keep living in bliss, I know that's not a realistic residence for an adoptive mama-to-be. At this point, I'll settle for a happy medium of cautious optimism.

The negative onslaught of feelings is due to the realization that we could be setting ourselves up for a monumental loss. The birthbather could assert his rights or Dana could change her mind. I've always known it, but I've been applying the knowledge to "birthparents in general," not our baby's birthparents. According to our social worker, about one third of adoptions fall through because the parents change their minds.

If Dana chose to parent, I'd experience a certain amount of happiness for her... but the rest of me would be utterly devastated. It would be another loss...and another period of grief. And I don't think I could handle losing another child. So, I'm trying to prepare myself without getting overwhelmed by fear. This is a difficult situation to reconcile, a major exercise in trusing God and remembering that His plan is perfect. After all, it's not my will, but Thy will be done. Please pray for my heart!

That being said, we continue to lift up the health and development of our baby and her birthmother. She is due two weeks from tomorrow!