I've been in a funk lately. I guess that's why I haven't written the past few days. It takes too much energy to think, let alone write. Not only is my energy level in the tank, but so is my interest level. Today I stayed in my PJs 'til 10:30am. Normally, I walk at least a mile and do a fair amount of housework by that time.
I toss and turn all night, and I feel like sleeping all day. If it weren't for events already on the calendar, I don't know if I would have done anything this week. I know it's just grief rearing its annoying head in unexpected ways, but I'm having a difficult time snapping out of it. I suspect that part of the issue is the fact that there's been no closure with my Gram's death. She did not want a funeral, so we're going to have a memorial (of sorts) at some point this year. It's hard to move on while waiting for a tangible event to commemorate her life.
The other aspect at play here is being in limbo with plans for future children. All along, I've been in the midst of treatment, looking forward to a certain date for IUI, IVF, etc. Now we're just researching and waiting for God's timing...and we're not doing anything. I need to do something, or at least know which direction we're heading.
This is a difficult process, and it's confounded by multiple losses. You'd think I'd be a pro at handling grief by now. Although I am getting used to the feeling, it's not getting any easier. Please pray for us...that we will know the Lord's will and that our hearts will be ready for His call.
I'm praying for peace, contentment and the desire to get out of bed. Blessings, Ramona
8 comments:
Ramona -
We are never pros at handling grief and we each grieve differently from each other and with each event. It's perfectly acceptable for you to be in a funk after all you and your dear husband have been through (and your entire family, for that matter). I will pray for you and your heart - that He will heal it quickly and give you direction. In the meantime, do you guys want to come out for a playdate next week? Or do you want us to come there? Let me know what your schedule is like.
Still praying...
Julie (for the Bauers)
So glad I know how to pray for you!
With much concern . . .
Well, here's an idea: There's an informational adoption meeting at Children's Hope International (http://www.childrenshopeint.org/) tomorrow, Sunday the 19th from 2:30-4:00. It's at the CHI Home Office, 11780 Borman Dr., St. Louis, 63146.
I can't say enough good things about CHI. Dwatt Gantt is one of the founders, and this is his statement:
"Nothing I have ever done has been more fulfilling than to see a child that needs a home find a home that needs a child. And we see it happen many hundreds of times each year. God has wonderfully blessed us and allowed us to be in the very forefront of international adoption. Annually we assist about 800 families all over the United States and other countries as well to adopt that wonderful child that seems so especially made for them. It is to us a position of trust and responsibility - a sacred trust to us which prescribes the way we must carry on this work. With integrity and service. There is a saying emphasizing the necessity of walking on two feet. Our two feet are giving homes to children who can be adopted and health and hope to those who cannot. We are happy to be partners with you in either of these."
When I first spoke to Dwyatt (probably in 1995) he was still working out of his apartment. Today, CHI has offices in 16 states. It's an amazing organization.
Here is also a url to the "Shaohannah's Hope" site: (http://members.shaohannahshope.org/site/PageServer). Steven Curtis Chapman and his wife, Mary Beth, founded Shaohannah’s Hope to reach the church with God’s call to care for orphans and to help more experience the miracle of adoption by reducing the financial barriers, primarily through awarding adoption grants.
I don't know if any of this is of interest to you at this point in time, but I know many others read your blog and thought it was worth mentioning. Adoption is a wonderful journey, and we thank God for it and our precious children everyday.
Christine Raquepaw
Sometimes, our private thoughts and feeling should be held and remained private between you and God for true healing and true hearing of his words to come to pass. Everyones faith and what they believe, and their relationship varies with God I understand. I truly believe that FAITH is from within and sometimes should be very quiet, very still. Let God do his will, even though our flesh wants to be in control, it is times like this where faith will get us through. Closure also comes from within for the most part I believe. Having experienced more loss then I have ever wanted, my healing process has always been through prayer, with God. Once again, rely on God alone for this comfort you need and seek. Here are a few verses that I hope you find strength in. Praying you see some light.
2Chr. 20:20 Early in the morning they left for the Desert of Tekoa. As they set out, Jehoshaphat stood and said, "Listen to me, Judah and people of Jerusalem! Have faith in the LORD your God and you will be upheld; have faith in his prophets and you will be successful." 21After consulting the people, Jehoshaphat appointed men to sing to the LORD and to praise him for the splendor of his holiness as they went out at the head of the army, saying: "Give thanks to the LORD, for his love endures forever."
Ps. 9:9 The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. 10Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you. 11Sing praises to the LORD, enthroned in Zion; proclaim among the nations what he has done.
Ps. 20:6 Now I know that the LORD saves his anointed; he answers him from his holy heaven with the saving power of his right hand. 7Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God. 8They are brought to their knees and fall, but we rise up and stand firm.
RAMONA AND WADE!
You are who you are and that is what makes you special and unique in God's eyes. You can grieve however you feel you need to. If that means shouting it out loud over a mountain top that is okay. If you choose to keep it quiet and private that is okay, if it is your desire. Do not let anyone on this blog tell you how you need to grieve and what is an appropriate way to have faith. God understands your hurts and worries, even if that other person thinks you need to be private. Just because they would be private while processing all of this, doesn't mean it is the "right way."
You are who you are and God loves you just the way that you are! Trust and Obey! WE are all here for you in our own ways! God will lead and guide you!
WOW, astonished at that comment!Pretty judgemental also. You mistook what my words were meant to offer and say. I simply wanted to state that sometimes in the quiet and still moments, God hears us best as we can hear him best in the quiet moments. I could throw many verses out on here where God says to keep such personal struggles and hurts private, but being the christian I am, I am not here to argue or judge, just to offer alternative healing advice. Just an opinion that we are all entitled to. Afterall, such a public blog should be nonjudgemental and open to everyones advice, thoughts and opinions especially when they are from the heart and love felt. We all believe and have difference of opinions on life's struggles, religion and healing ways. Please don't be offended as you apparently were. I was just trying to offer some peaceful and personal advice to your hearts. I will be sure to no longer read or post as I understand that no one can have a little bit different way of thinking/praying and offering advice or prayer for you. I pray God will soften your hearts.
I hope the person who offered Psalms as evidences of "private" grieving realizes they were private prayers used in the PUBLIC worship of God.
This is a place for honesty, acceptance and encouragement.
As we post our opinions, let us embrace a spirit of love.
Thank you! Ramona
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