My heart is very heavy today. My pregnancy test was negative, and we are now grieving the fact that we will never hold our two precious children this side of heaven. It's an emotional day for us. And if that weren't difficult enough, I also received very sad news about a family situation. So many thoughts are tumbling through my mind that I don't know what to say.
As far as my pregnancy test goes, I guess I'll start with the medical side. My beta hCG level was less than one, which basically means there's no sign of pregnancy whatsoever. The only way the test could be wrong is if the lab made a major mistake, but that is highly unlikely. As I recently posted, I was fairly certain I was going to get my period instead of a positive test result. The last shred of hope fell away when I heard the nurse's tone of voice on the phone. I immediately knew the IVF had failed.
Wade seems to be taking it harder than in the past. He really wanted to believe a pregnancy was probable, despite the negative signs we saw the past couple of days. Since his hopes were so high, he had a long way to fall when we got the results. Plus, with each failed attempt, Wade is gradually realizing the seriousness of our struggle with infertility. Please remember him in your prayers during this time.
As for me, I've been acutely aware of the challenges we face for quite awhile. Today I'm sad, disappointed, frustrated and a little angry. It's incredibly difficult to hope and sacrifice for so many months, just to learn the treatment failed. But then again, I know I did everything humanly possible to ensure success. The outcome was in God's hands...and now our babies are in His hands eternally. Six unborn children in heaven--it's hard to wrap your mind around a concept like that.
While I am sad that I will not see and touch my children in this lifetime, I am so glad to know that I will know them one day. They are with the Savior now, and I will be with them for eternity. What parent doesn't want their child to know the Lord and have an eternal place in heaven? I rejoice in that fact and rest in God's promises for the future.
I am also so infinitely thankful for the daughter I hug and kiss and hold every single day, as well as the hope of having two embryos for a future transfer. I am blessed in so many ways, and I do not lose sight of that for one moment. As I grieve this temporary loss, I will continue to delight in my family, friends and good fortune. And I will trust in God's perfect timing.
Thank you for lifting us up during this trying time. May you be richly blessed, Ramona
9 comments:
Dear friends,
Our hearts are heavy for you - we are at a loss for words. But please know our thoughts and prayers are with you. May the "peace that trancends understanding guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." It truly is encouraging to hear how strong your faith and your eternal perspective remains in the midst of such loss.
Love,
Mark and Rachel
Ramona-
My heart is heavy for you. I'm am constantly amazed, however, at your positive attitude, even in the midst of such grief. I'm glad that, even through the grief and sadness, that you can remember the blessings in your life (your family) and know that your little ones are in heaven with our and their Father. I remember that when we had our miscarriages - the hope and knowledge that God is sovereign and that I'd see me little ones some day in heaven. That knowledge gave me such peace. It just reminds me of my thoughts then and now - how does someone who does not know the Lord get through these types of struggles with any hope at all?
We will be praying for you and for Wade and your entire families in this disappointing time. While we all "trust in God's perfect timing", we still are grieving for you. Try to rest...
Julie (for all the Bauers)
I am grieving with you at the loss of your two precious children. There are no words that can express this. I am so sorry. Praying for you both.
Wade and Ramona,
I am so sad to hear your news....I immediately began crying when I started reading this entry and couldn't actually read through all the tears for quite some time. I'm at a loss for words as I can't even begin to imagine what this must feel like for you guys. Please know that in your time of grief, you have many people that care about you that will continue to pray for healing and comfort.
I think the one thing that really stands out for me is that I don't see this as being something that you "failed." In my eyes, it seems that you have done anything but the latter as your faith continues with such strength in the midst of such painful trials. You are truly an inspiration!!! May you find peace and comfort....both of you!!!
Leann
Our hearts are aching for the both of you. I had checked the blog right when I came home from Field Day at school but unfortunately the blog site was down. Upon returning from Dave's softball game I wanted to check your blog prior to writing in mine and going to get some much needed rest. I am exhausted. My exhaustion is nothing to your pain. Dave and I are so deeply saddened that you are struggling. He said "It looks like we need to get out to lunch with us." WE LOVE YOU!
Kate along with Dave
Please forgive my previous post...I read it wrong initially as I thought you had written that you felt you had failed....when in fact it reads that the treatment failed and you know you did everything possible. I apologize for this error and any confusion it may have caused!
Leann
Ramona and Wade,
Please know we are praying for rest and peace for you all as you are grieving this sad news. You both are loved! God will take care of you! Rest with him now!
Love,
Tom and April Curtis
Ramona,
How very sorry I am for both of you!!! I can only imagine how heartbreaking it is, especially as you get your hopes up that this will possibly work. I will be praying for you both -- I am doing lots of praying these days. Our God is good, and I know that each hug and kiss you give Lilianna will be even more special and precious.
Ramona,
We have been praying for you guys in hopes that you would have some positive news. I am sorry to see that is not the case. I am so glad to see that you have such great support. I hope that you and Wade know that Steve and I are here for you if you need anything.
Thinking of you,
Jessica
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