O Child, Where Art Thou?!

With each passing day, my heart is filled with a greater desire to adopt a child. I still yearn for another biological son or daughter, but I am no longer wrapped up in my stuggle with infertility. I know that God has the ability to bless us with another miraculous child in His perfect timing. With that knowledge, I plan to prepare my body and pray that He grants us a natural pregnancy.

In the meantime, Wade and I continue to research adoption. We are certain that little ones are missing from our family, and it is quite possible that one may come to us through the gift of adoption. There is no doubt that loving an orphaned child is an admirable life-long ministry. Now we are prayerfully considering whether it is the right choice for us at this time in our lives. Should we choose to move forward, utilizing an adoption agency would be a wise, but financially challenging undertaking. We have so much to think about! Please pray that the Lord will guide us and provide accordingly.

Thanks a million to those who have offered information and encouragement. We sincerely appreciate it!

Blessings, Ramona

Considering Adoption

Wade and I attended an adoption meeting Monday night. At this point, we've collected information from Bethany Christian Services and Children's Hope International. We are primarily interested in domestic adoption, but we're open to all possibilities. If you have information that would be helpful to us, please pass it along!

Blessings,
Ramona

Slow Motion

Relaxing on a pedal boat at Lake of the Ozarks. Liliana "steered" while mommy and daddy pedaled their patooties off. We had such a terrific time that Liliana has asked to go to the lake house at least 5 times.

More Fun at the Lake

More photos from the lake: Liliana's first jet ski experience, the guys preparing to rip up the water, and roasted marshmallows at bedtime...

The Lake House

We just returned from a wonderful mini-vacation at the Lake of the Ozarks. For three days, we relaxed with friends and enjoyed a beautiful lake house & local attractions.

Liliana had a ball playing in the sand, riding jet skis, tubing, swimming in the hot/cold tub, roasting marshmallows, eating ice cream (before streaking everyone in the parlor) and inventing fun with Stuart, Cole and Carter. She also spent hours playing with cards and an automatic card shuffler. Leave it to a toddler to find extraordinary enjoyment in such an ordinary thing.

Wade and I shared Liliana's enthusiasm about the beach and water activities. We also delighted in double-decker pizza, Oreo dentistry, little Frankensteins, red-light/green light, the outlet mall, great naps and spending time with four amazing kiddos.

One of our fondest memories was staying up into the wee hours of the night with Kate and Dave. As parents, it's rare to have the opportunity to talk and watch movies with friends (especially three nights in a row). We felt like teengers! The four of us shared life stories, testimonies and very tender moments. We laughed; we cried. It was much better than Cats. (Hopefully someone will get that reference.)

I honestly can't imagine a better two-family vacation. The kids were fabulous together, and the adults behaved themselves, too. How often does that happen?! Our only unexpected and uninvited situation was creepy and crawly. I didn't mind the plastic critters placed in my bed by a sneaky young boy (starts with a "C" and ends with an "arter"), but I was not fond of the scorpions.

Being a Scorpio girl, I tried to make peace with the stinging sand insects...but when they began creeping into the family room, the bedroom and my swimsuit, I started taking issue. Last night, Wade and I had scorpion-instilled insomnia (after finding two of them just before bed). He proposed keeping the light on and sleeping in one-hour shifts, and I proposed that he keep watch while I slept. We eventually settled for dozing in the light of the video, Witness (in hopes that the light would keep them off of our bed). Instead of falling asleep, I ended up watching the movie!

All critters aside, we thoroughly enjoyed our stay at the lake, and our laughter far outweighed our tears and fears. In fact, we had so much fun that we all decided to stay an extra day. Who says Type A's can't be spontaneous?!

Thanks to the Snodgrass family for magical memories. And hats off to the Loewes for a lovely home away from home. We will treasure our lake experience forever.

When Talk Therapy Doesn't Work

Taking your child for a drive can be very therapeutic, don't you think?

Okay, obviously this is a doctored photo, but it sure is hilarious. As a family therapist, I would never condone doing this to a child. Instead, just show little Johnny this picture when he misbehaves. Surely it will deter him from becoming a repeat offender.

Just a little humor to brighten your day.

Blessings, Ramona

Point Your Eyes to the Skies

Today Liliana awoke from her nap and called for me. When I opened her door, she jumped up and down on her bed and said, "Mama, we need to pack our bags." Surprised by her how-do-you-do, I asked "Are we going somewhere?" With enthusiasm, she shouted, "Let's go to Grammy Joy's!" Oh, the things children say! I guess the child was dreaming about Madison.

After a weekend of relaxing and pointing my eyes toward the skies, it's clear to me that God is preparing us for better days. I don't know exactly what He has in store for our lives, but I have a feeling it's going to be grand. So for now, I will enjoy today's blessings and look forward to what is to come.

It's usually through our hard times, the unexpected and not-according-to-plan times, that we experience God in more intimate ways. We discover an unquenchable longing to know Him more. It's a passion that isn't concerned that life fall within certain predictable lines, but a passion that pursues God and knows He is relentless in His pursuit of each one of us.

In response to all He has done for us, let us outdo each other in being helpful and kind to each other...and in doing good. ~Hebrew 10:24

Blessings, Ramona

God's Work of Art

Each one of us is God's special work of art. Through us, He teaches and inspires, delights and encourages, informs and uplifts all those who view our lives. ~Joni Eareckson Tada

If my story informs or inspires one person, I'll be delighted. Thank you for continuing to be a part of our lives through this journey.

May you be blessed, Ramona

Funky Friday

I've been in a funk lately. I guess that's why I haven't written the past few days. It takes too much energy to think, let alone write. Not only is my energy level in the tank, but so is my interest level. Today I stayed in my PJs 'til 10:30am. Normally, I walk at least a mile and do a fair amount of housework by that time.

I toss and turn all night, and I feel like sleeping all day. If it weren't for events already on the calendar, I don't know if I would have done anything this week. I know it's just grief rearing its annoying head in unexpected ways, but I'm having a difficult time snapping out of it. I suspect that part of the issue is the fact that there's been no closure with my Gram's death. She did not want a funeral, so we're going to have a memorial (of sorts) at some point this year. It's hard to move on while waiting for a tangible event to commemorate her life.

The other aspect at play here is being in limbo with plans for future children. All along, I've been in the midst of treatment, looking forward to a certain date for IUI, IVF, etc. Now we're just researching and waiting for God's timing...and we're not doing anything. I need to do something, or at least know which direction we're heading.

This is a difficult process, and it's confounded by multiple losses. You'd think I'd be a pro at handling grief by now. Although I am getting used to the feeling, it's not getting any easier. Please pray for us...that we will know the Lord's will and that our hearts will be ready for His call.

I'm praying for peace, contentment and the desire to get out of bed. Blessings, Ramona

Liliana-isms

Liliana is into stickers...big time. In the past few months, she has carefully placed at least 5,ooo stickers on paper, coloring books, cardboard boxes and herself (as illustrated here).

Today, my sweet girl asked me, "Mama, do you love me?" Without hesitating, I replied: "So much that it hurts sometimes." After hearing my answer, Liliana stroked my arm and said, "You can feel better now, Mommy."

Oh, how I love this girl!!!!

Family Weekend

We just returned from Madison, where we spent the weekend with my mom and brother. Since there was no funeral service for my grandma in Michigan, I felt that it was important to be with family. Although it was a lot of driving for one weekend, it was a good choice.

Mom and I went through drawers of photos and found some incredible pictures of my grandparents. I'm working on a special project to commemorate their lives. I'm so excited to see the finished product.

Pictured here: Liliana entertains cousin Clayton and Grammy Joy with her favorite game, "Where's Liliana?"

Blessings, Ramona

Little Helpers

Liliana and cousin Clayton wash dishes with Grammy Joy in Indiana. Liliana says: "Thanks for my new dresses and jammies, Grammy!"

Madison Highlights: We enjoyed seeing Mom, Russ, Shawna, Luke and Clayton. Mom and I had a joyous Big Lots and Goodwill experience. Liliana played with her cousins & Grammy's wonderful toys. Wade played some serious cornhole (cornpone, as Big Joy says) and won 25 bucks.

Here's to down-home fun. ~Ramona

A Time to Give

One of the most difficult aspects of this journey has been our inability to give to others in the way we so desire. Wade and I are givers, and we enjoy lifting others up in every possible way. With the heavy emotional, physical and financial burdens of infertility, all of our resources have been depleted for quite some time. As a result, we've been on the receiving end much more than we anticipated. We never imagined we'd go through every single treatment in the book and have only losses to show for it. Now that we are in "limbo"--waiting for God's call, we once again have the time and energy to give of our hearts and resources.

Earlier this week, I began sending cards and letters to friends and loved ones. Although it's not much, it's a step in the right direction. It feels so good to be on this end--praying, loving and giving. Of course, our process of grieving continues, especially with the recent death of my Gram. Our heartfelt thanks to those who have supported us in such thoughtful ways. Our appreciation for lovely cards and emails, to Stacy for a beautiful hand-made bracelet, thanks to the Wichts for their generous gift, and thanks to the Memmelaars for the thoughtful Parade Rose.

We are so fortunate to have such loving neighbors, friends and family.
May you all be richly blessed. ~Ramona

Family Matters

THE JORDAN FAMILY















Here is our largest family gathering at Grandma's house (Gram is in the middle of the group, wearing pink).

Every year of my life, minus one, I have spent the Christmas holiday at Gramcracker's house. All of my aunts, uncles, cousins, and our immediate family gather on Christmas eve for a giving game at Aunt Jules' house. Then, early Christmas morning, Mom, my siblings and I open our stockings at Grams before the crowd arrives for Mary's goodies, gift opening, and Turkey & fixins.

I don't know what will happen this Christmas. It won't be the same without Gram. And because she did not wish to have a viewing or a funeral service, we are all left to grieve separately, and in our own way. It is my hope that the family comes together to celebrate Gram's life in the near future. Even if she didn't want any "fuss," we need to do something to collectively remember her--to facilitate a healthy grief process and closure--for our own hearts.

Praying for strength, healing and family time during this time of loss. ~Ramona

Remembering Gramcracker

When I was little, Grandma told vivid tales about gnomes, elves and fairies that lived on Jordan Lane. I believed every word. I was constantly on the lookout for the flutter of a wing or a flash of a little red hat. I don't know when I stopped believing the stories, but I certainly never grew tired of hearing them.

Gram was a talented artist. She often sketched elaborate pictures of wildlife and English gardens on the envelopes of her letters. I was always careful to preserve the scenes while opening their contents. I treasured her correspondence. In fact, several of her cards and letters are lying in my lap as I write.

Grandma loved to sing the classics. Alice Blue Gown. Cottage for Sale. When I learned that she recorded an album, I persuaded her to let me listen. Upon realizing how much I loved her voice, she gave me a copy. As soon as word got out, my "Barbara Jordan Collection" became the hottest commodity in the family. I made at least a dozen copies for aunts, uncles and cousins in the months that followed.

About fifteen years ago, I affectionately began calling her Gramcracker...and, much to my surprise, she embraced the silly nickname. From that point on, she signed her cards and notes with drawings of little half-eaten graham crackers. I addressed her cards in the same fashion, making sure that my pictures were worthy enough to grace her coffee table.

The first time Wade met Gramcracker, she was in one of her funny late-night moods. Somehow the topic of exercise came up, and she told us that she could put her foot behind her head. We knew she must be joking. After all, she was 80 years old. Before we could utter a word, Gram reached down and pulled her leg up in front of her, wrapped it around her neck and wiggled her foot. Oh, how we laughed at her antics that night!

On other occasions, we roared about a "Love Sotry" made in China, the traveling coconut, George Bush-in-the-Box, Randy's "Pig, Hog, Sow"and the barking and sniffing dog socks she gave me. Gram delighted applauding my funny fashion shows and telling me stories of days long ago.

A couple years ago, I stayed with Gramcracker for a few days. It was just the two of us in her lovely "cottage." We stayed up late chatting and eating giant bowls of ice cream. One evening, she shared pages and pages of her private poetry. We talked about her dreams, her heartbreaks and the loves of her life. I never felt so close to her as during those precious moments.

Gram was an original. She knew something about everything, and could take anyone in a game of Scrabble or Trivial Pursuit. She loved old movies, historical figures and God's creation. Gram was graceful, humble and truly beautiful. I will miss her dearly.

A little dream castle, with every dream gone
Is lonely and silent; the shades are all drawn
And my heart is heavy as I gaze upon
A cottage for sale.

The lawn we were proud of is waving in hay;
A beautiful garden has withered away
Where you planted roses, the weeds seem to say:
A cottage for sale.

From every single window, I see your face;
But when I reach the window, there’s empty space.
The key’s in the mailbox, the same as before
But no one is waiting for me anymore
The end of our story is there on the door:
A cottage for sale.

I love you, Gram. ~Ramona

Goodbye Gram

My Gramcracker passed away this evening. Even though we knew she was reaching the end of her life, I was not ready for this heartache. I guess we are never truly prepared for the profound sadness evoked by the death of our dearly beloved.

I adored my Gram, and I always desired to know her more deeply. We shared a passion for the arts, particularly writing, drawing and singing. She always taught me to appreciate nature and embrace creativity. Grandma was a unique, imaginative, talented and extremely intelligent woman.

Not only am I remembering and missing my Gram, but I am also reeling from a related experience. The evening has been surreal.

Just before I received the news, Liliana and I were enjoying our "Girls' night out" dinner. All of the sudden, my appetite vanished and my heart began beating irregularly. I put my hand on my chest and felt the palpitations through my shirt. I became lightheaded and woozy, as if I were going to faint. The next moment, my odd symptoms disappeared, leaving me with an unusual sensation. The episode was so strange that I intentionally checked my phone to observe the time--in case it should be important for some reason. About ten minutes later, Mom called and said, "Your grandma is watching over you now."

I don't know what happened just before that phone call, but it's like I felt her somehow. I'm not into the paranormal, but I don't believe in coincidence, either. I don't know exactly how to explain it, but I know there was a connection.

Pictured above~Four generations of Jordan girls: Liliana, Mona, Gram and Mom.

A Ray of Light

Today we had an opportunity to have lunch with my BFF, Cindy, in Alton. She came in from Maine to see her family for a few days. Spending time with her was a bright ray of light in the midst of our otherwise very dreary day.

In addition to coping with the failure of our fertility treatment, we are dealing with the impending loss of my grandma. And to make matters worse, my unreliable car broke down again, leaving Liliana and me stranded on the highway in almost 100 degree weather. As usual, when it rains...it pours!

It is times like this when I want to look skyward and scream, "Why, Lord, why!?" For the life of me, I don't understand why God allows so much grief and disappointment in the lives of the faithful. And as quickly as the tears begin to flow, my thoughts turn to the big picture and the suffering of my Savior. I know that the troubles of this world are temporary...and life's difficulties build my character and my faith. By God's grace, I will weather this storm and the many that lie ahead.

Fortunately, His grace is great enough to meet the great things--the crashing waves that overwhelm the soul, the roaring winds that leave us stunned and breathless, the sudden storms beyond our life's control. -Annie Johnson Flint

Praying for sunshine and sufficient grace, Ramona

Liliana's New Pets

Liliana received a special surprise when Mommy and Daddy returned home from Six Flags last night. Here she is hugging her giant Akita and her bright blue snake that she affectionately named "Snakey." Daddy won both of these critters at the amusement park. She has been so excited about the dog that she hugs it and rolls around with it on the floor. You'd think we brought home a real pet.

Loony Tunes

I don't know what it is--animals just seem to flock to me (pun totally intended). All three of the characters above are Loony Tunes. If you've been following my journal, you know that's the truth!

Wade and I went to Six Flags this evening for a wild and wacky adventure. Not only did we meet Bugs and Foghorn Leghorn, but we also rode the Batman coaster three times back-to-back and took in a concert (you might have noticed the small mention about that in my previous posts).

We were both struck by the fact that we're really getting older. After a few rides, we completely lost interest in the roller coasters. Either a) we were total exhausted by a long, hot day or b) the thrill and excitement of amusement park rides has diminished in our old age. I think answer "b" is the correct. When our evening came to a close, we practically flew home to be with Liliana. For us, family is where we find our greatest delight.

In a Flash

Anyone in need of a superhero in spandex? Flash Gordon must have mistaken me for Dale Arden in his quest to fight Ming the Merciless and save the world. (Don't get excited, sci-fi fanclub. I'm no Flash fanatic--I found the details on the web.)

Every day holds the possibility of a miracle.

Nothing is impossible with God. ~Luke 1:37

Blessings, Ramona

McPheever!

Yes, I've got the McPheever! I caught it during the 2006 season of American Idol, and I never found a cure. It's ridiculous, I know...but the girl's got serious pipes. I've never heard anything like it. It doesn't hurt that she's drop-dead gorgeous, either. What she's doing on stage at Six Flags in 95 degree heat, I'll never know. She belongs in the big-time.

By the way, Wade and I were VIPs for the evening. We sat 3rd row, center aisle. This photo looks professional, doesn't it? It pays to buy four bags of Starburst at five bucks a pop. Apparently, that's how easily one rises to VIP status in Eureka, Missouri!

34 going on 14

Yes, I'm practically a stalker now. At least I didn't chase her after the show (like I chased Troy Aikman in 1992--but that's a whole other story) and confess that I voted for her 50 times after each AI episode. I was totally composed. I screamed and cried like Miss America, but I didn't chase her. I'm 34 going on 14 sometimes.

It seems like I now have almost as many photos of Katharine McPhee as I do of my own daughter. Only kidding. My own personal challenge was to capture high quality photos, rather than the dark, blurry concert pics you typically see. So, I took a lot! I'm happy with how they turned out, but I might have to photo-shop myelf into one of them. What I wouldn't give to sing like that. I'd be on the stage in a heartbeat.

Over the Top

Okay, I know this definitely falls in the category of "overboard," but they are just too beautiful to sit on my hard drive for nobody to see. Wade told me that three pictures would suffice, but I had to push the limit. Here's Kat singing "Over the Rainbow." My personal favorite! Reproduction of these images is strictly prohibited without the the express written consent of the owner. (I've always wanted to say that!)

Sweet Smile

Today Liliana experienced Six Flags and Hurricane Harbor for the very first time. She really enjoyed the rides in the Bugs Bunny & Friends area. Here she is peeking out of a train ride.

That sweet smile just melts my heart. Wade and I are so blessed that she is a part of our family. I don't know what we would do without her!

Are We Having Fun Yet?

Houston, we have a problem! Despite what it looks like, Liliana is not trying to abort mission. This is her very annoyed "Cheeeeeeese," which occurs regularly when she believes we've taken enough pictures.

For the life of me, I can't understand why she thinks we take a lot of photos. She has only been in the crosshairs of the camera a few thousand times since she was born!

In Flight

Liliana waves to her adoring fans as she single-handedly pilots the Bugs Bunny plane. The temperature was so high this morning that she practically had the kiddie rides to herself. The rest of the guests were cooling off in Hurricane Harbor.

After six or seven rides in the scorching heat, we came to our senses and joined the masses in the water park.

Friendship

A friend is one who joyfully sings with you when you are on the mountain top, and silently walks beside you through the valley. ~William A. Ward

Thank you for your steadfast support through this journey. It is the love of friends and family that continues to lift us up as we face this challenge and the obstacles that lie ahead. We are truly blessed.

Resting in His promises, Ramona

Weathering the Storm

This has been a tough Tuesday. Wade's parents left for Mississippi this morning, leaving us alone with our day-to-day life and the stark reality that our attempts to expand our family have once again failed.

All day, I've been feeling like someone I dearly love has died. And when I examine the situation, I realize that not only am I dealing with the loss of two beloved children, but I am also grieving the death of a desire. My plans have been shattered so many times that I wonder if our dream for a large family will ever come true. Yet, somehow I still have hope...and hope is a very powerful thing.

Wade and I agree that our family is not complete. We know that someone is missing...that there's another child who belongs in our home. Unfortunately, we have no idea who this precious one is. Will we have a miraculous pregnancy when we least expect it? Or will our missing child be put up for adoption by another family? Right now, all we can do is research our options and pray for the Lord's guidance as we continue to walk through this refining fire.

This loss has created yet another opportunity for me to search my heart and mind, and to test my priorities. As I dig down deep, I find more strength and perseverance than I knew I had. And I realize that what matters more to me than almost everything on earth is loving my family. Without a doubt, my strength and my desire come directly from Almighty God. He is bringing me through this storm with grace I never imagined.

Thanks be to God for joy in the midst of pain. Blessings, Ramona