Sweetly Broken

It is another day of heartache for our family. My pregnancy test was negative, and we are now grieving the loss of two more unborn children. Upon learning of this great disappointment, the entire family shared a tearful group hug in the living room of our home. And since then, Wade and I continue to shed tears and share tender moments with Liliana, our parents and loved ones.

As we come to terms with the fact that we will not know these precious children on earth, we are comforted by the knowledge that we will one day be with them in heaven. God is holding us in the palm of His hands right now, covering our open wounds with the sweet balm of peace and hope for the future. As Psalm 34:18 assures us, "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

My heart is aching, but underneath this heaviness, I am aware that the pain of this world is necessary. If it weren't for heartbreak in our lives, we would never long for something better--and we'd never recognize the need for a redeemer to secure that perfect place in heaven. As Henry Ward Beecher put it: "God washes the eyes by tears until they can behold the invisible land where tears shall come no more."

I know that God is good and that His timing is perfect...even though I certainly don't understand it. I am thankful that He cares about every detail of my life and has something even better in store for me. As God's word prescribes in 1 Thessalonians 5:18, "Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

So, today I grieve what is not to be and I give thanks for what is yet to come.

Please click the following links to hear the music of my heart.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ElISFieaukc
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GE1_l6bGBoI

Thank you so much for your prayers and kind words throughout the past months. We are humbled and forever grateful. Resting in His promises, Ramona

Pins and Needles

I'm still waiting for the results of my blood test, and I'm a wreck! The lab is supposed to send the results to the doctor's office within two hours, and it's now approaching three. I've called Dr. Silber twice with shaking hands and a knotted stomach, just to hear, "The results aren't in yet." Agony!

Please pray for a positive test result and a healthy baby! ~Ramona

Praying for a Miracle

The countdown is almost over. Tomorrow morning is my long-awaited beta hCG blood test. I have to be honest: I do not have a good feeling about my chances. Not only have my symptoms decreased significantly, but I also had a negative home pregnancy test this morning (yes, the waiting got the best of me).

It is possible that the test result was a false-negative...basically, it could be too soon to tell. But the hard truth of the matter is that the test may have been completely accurate. We'll know for sure tomorrow. I'm still holding out a little hope, but I'm not holding my breath.

Praying for a miracle, Ramona

Benchwarmers

Here's Liliana with friends Elizabeth, Carter, Cole, Stuart and Katherine at Powder Valley Nature Center, where we enjoyed the exhibits and nature trails. At the end of our outing, a beautiful doe crossed our path and ran into the woods. What good, clean fun!

Cautiously Optimistic

It's been a tight race, folks, but optimism finally pulls ahead of caution and takes the lead! For the past couple of days, I have been experiencing waves of nausea, coupled with heartburn and breast tenderness. What others might label ailments, I call, "Yeah, baby!"

I am very encouraged and hopeful that my body is displaying signs of pregnancy. However, I must continue to remain somewhat guarded, because I know it's possible to wish these symptoms into reality. After my April IVF, I had nausea for a week, and I wasn't pregnant. The mind is a very powerful thing.

Praying for a real, healthy pregnancy! ~Ramona

My Wish

It's true, it's true! I adore my child, and I take pictures of her almost every day. The poor girl will eventually be blinded by the number of flashes that come her way. Here she is as "The One and Only Princess Liliana." When I look at her, I just know she is destined for greatness. She's a dynamo, and with God, she'll achieve anything her heart desires.

Tonight I heard a song that moved me. Its lyrics compelled me to reminisce about the past and weep for a future that is yet to come. The song is "My Wish" by Rascal Flatts. Here are the lyrics. I encourage you to click on the link that follows, so you can hear it for yourself.


My Wish

I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.

And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' til you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,
But more than anything, more than anything,

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but you never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.
But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xz32I_GbpeU

I hope you know somebody loves you.
May all your dreams stay big. ~Ramona

Ups and Downs

I've been struggling with musculoskeletal problems since college, when springboard diving finally took it's toll on my back. Later, two motor vehicle accidents (neither my fault!) rocked my already injured body and ensured lifelong ups and downs on the pain scale. Yesterday and today have been two of the tougher days. My head, shoulders and neck have been aching, to the point that survival has been my primary goal.

This morning, I spent several hours on the sofa, battling a massive migraine. I could barely function, even with earplugs muffling the sound and a blanket blocking the light. All I could do was listen to Liliana as she played with blocks and stickers. My pain was almost unbearable, and made worse by the fact that I couldn't interact with my baby at all. So frustrating. What I wouldn't give to be trade this 34-year-old body in for a newer model!

On a positive note, I am feeling much better right now. Additionally, I have experienced some nausea, heartburn and soreness that could be attributed to pregnancy. However, the nausea could also be associated with the headaches, and the other symptoms are nothing to get excited about. With seven days to go, I remain cautiously optimistic. The days continue to crawl by, and I wait and hope...and pray, pray, pray for the desires of our hearts.

Blessings, Ramona

Candid Camera

Here's what Liliana was doing yesterday afternoon as I made dinner. Talk about getting caught with your pants down! Liliana sits and reads Parenting magazine while (in her words) "pretending to tinkle." Although it seems that diapers are going to die hard, my soon-to-be three-year-old is finally getting used to the idea of a big girl potty.


Note: No children were undressed in the making of this photo. Diaper and bodysuit are fully intact.

Waiting

Other than a sore, knotted backside (due to hefty progesterone shots), I haven't experienced any significant changes since the FET. I've had a few tinges of pain in my abdomen each day...but nothing major. Every day, I wake up hoping for nausea and a sore chest, but no such luck. When I was pregnant with Liliana, I didn't experience morning sickness until 5 weeks. With the rest of my pregnancies, nausea came very early.

Once again, the two-week wait seems endless. My beta hCG test is scheduled for Monday, July 30th. We're praying for a double pregnancy!

Have a great weekend! ~Ramona

Blessings All Around

Thank the Lord for answered prayer on every front! First, our FET went smoothly. Both embryos survived the thawing process and looked good. Praise the Lord! The transfer was a little more uncomfortable than previous procedures, but there were no complications. God willing, the embryos will implant within the next few days. Now I must assume I'm pregnant and act accordingly. Goodbye caffeine, hello calcium!

Second, we are living in a cool home, thanks to Mr. late night A/C repair man. What a relief! Under normal circumstances, we would have been able to tough out a week or two with no air (after all, we survived 10 days of post-Katrina hardship in Mississippi). But we have a great deal riding on this procedure, so we opted for immediate comfort. Looks like our 20-year-old A/C unit has exhausted it's 14-year life expectancy. Ahhh, the fun of being a homeowner.

Next, Liliana's health is steadily improving. She is sleeping through the night, although she cried for me once last night because her stuffed monkey was sticky (very serious stuff for a toddler). Liliana's cough is finally breaking up and subsiding, thanks to Mucinex for kids. Pretty soon, she'll be back at Chadwick, showcasing her swimming skills for Grammy and Grandfather.

And finally, my Gramcracker seems to be rallying. It may be temporary, but things were looking up today. Although we're happy to see improvement, we're cautiously optimistic about her health. Things can change so quickly at this stage of the game.

All in all, it's been a terrific day. My bedrest continues through tomorrow, and my three guardians are making sure that I don't encounter anything stressful or strenuous. As much as I love my naps, I'm not cut out to lie in bed all day. I'm ready for the pool!

Hope your day is blessed, Ramona

Praying with Great Expectation

Please pray for a successful Frozen Embryo Transfer and a healthy pregnancy!

We're just 10 hours away from our FET at St. Luke's Hospital. I should be sleeping, but our AC went on the blink and our home is 85 degrees! Sweet Liliana finally fell asleep around 10:00pm (two hours after bedtime), and the rest of us are making the best of our two-story sauna. The after-hours repair guy just arrived. Hopefully, he'll get us chillin' without having to order parts or slap us with an astronomical expense.

As if life wasn't complicated enough, the AC goes out. Am I on Candid Camera? Here we are on the cusp of an important medical procedure, one that has taken months of painstaking preparation. I have huge doses of progesterone and estrogen rushing through my veins and orders to relax and avoid stressful situations. Yet, here we are with tropical temperatures, an ailing child and a dying loved one. With such stress, rest and relaxation aren't exactly easy to come by.

Thankfully, I know that God is totally in control of every detail. He knows what's going on, and He's cares about our situation. Praise the Lord for that! I honestly don't know what I would do without faith. Because of God's promises, I am able to experience inner peace and joy regardless of my circumstances. That's an incredible thing.

If you feel compelled to lift us up in prayer, please don't hesitate! My FET is scheduled for Tuesday at 9:15am. We have two embryos that must survive the thawing process and successfully implant in order for a pregnancy to occur. Following the transfer, I will be resting at home for a couple of days. God willing, I will be pregnant with a healthy child...or two. Thank you for praying boldly and with great expectation!

The possibilities of prayer run parallel with the promises of God. Prayer opens an outlet for the promises...and secures their precious ends. E. M. Bounds

May the Lord continually bless you with heaven's blessings as well as with human joys. Psalm 128:5

Much love! ~Ramona

Bittersweet Days

I haven't said much about our upcoming Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET), because I've been trying to focus my thoughts on life's little joys instead of the daunting procedure ahead. With plenty of exciting activities on our calendar the past few weeks, it's been fairly easy to keep my mind occupied. But now I can't help but contemplate the road ahead. We're less than 72 hours away from my hospital visit, and the preparations are in full swing.

With the big event drawing near, my emotions have been running the spectrum. Although I am hopeful that the FET will lead to a pregnancy, I am also afraid of a negative outcome. Since this is our last assisted reproductive procedure, there is more riding on it than ever before. In addition, I am supposed to be stress free--both before and after the procedure. Apparently Murphy's Laws are in full effect, because our life has been anything but relaxing the past few days.

Liliana has been sick since Tuesday evening, and she has been miserable. Her coughing bouts were so severe last night that I was in her room every 15 minutes. No exaggeration. I tried bringing her into bed with me, but she had even more trouble sleeping in our room. We pray that tonight will be much better. Caring for a sick child is both emotionally and physically draining.

Even worse, my mom called me Thursday afternoon with the sad news that my Gramcracker is dying. It seems that she has no more desire to fight. According to the hospice nurse, Gram has less than a week to live. Mom is in Michigan with her right now, and things continue to go down hill. Please pray for my family as we try to celebrate her life while grieving her final days. Losing a loved one is difficult on so many levels.

On a positive note, Wade's parents have arrived in St. Louis. Once again, they have graciously accepted the role of caring for Liliana during my hospital stay and recuperation. What a blessing they have been throughout our fertility treatments!

Praying for healing, peace, sleep and babies. ~Ramona

Thank Heaven for Little Girls

Princess Liliana steals the show in our play room today. Even when she's not feeling good, she spreads sunshine everywhere she goes.

During the past month, playing dress-up has risen to a whole new level. Liliana now feels the need to put on every piece of clothing available. In this photo, she has on two tops and four skirts. I guess layers are in!

As I was helping her put on the final touches, I said, "Look at you! You're beautiful." Her reply: "Mommy, I'm gorgeous!"

Having a little girl is even more wonderful than I imagined, especially with this little girl. God gave me the perfect child. She's not perfect, but she's perfect for me.

Kids on the Block

I've been known to rave about our close-knit community...for good reason. Here's a little taste of what it's like to live in our subdivision. Captured in this photo are a dozen neighbor kids (including big-kid, Steve) riding through the streets in a trailer one Saturday evening. Thanks to Rick for driving and providing my daughter with this oh-so-safe and classy experience. It's a memory we'll all treasure.

As Stacy and I always say, "See ya on the block!" ~Ramona
















Note: No children were harmed in the making of this photo. The vehicle was not in motion when the picture was taken.

Counting Down

Just one week to go! Our Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) is next Tuesday, and the preparations continue. I've been loading up on estrogen every day, along with Lupron to suppress my hormones and Folgard & Natelle to boost my vitamin & enzyme levels.

Yesterday's ultrasound yielded a positive result: 9 mm uterine lining (anything above 8 mm is good). My lab results showed that my hormone levels are right on track. So, all in all, things are looking good for the big dance.

This is it...our final fertility treatment. We're praying that God blesses us with twins through this procedure. Thanks for being here with us!

May you be richly blessed, Ramona

Reunited

Here I am with Katie, Kara and Beth on Saturday night during the annual 4th of July reunion. Every year, a group of cherished MCHS pals convenes in Madison for the weekend. We enjoyed a family pool party, Regatta on the river and a night out at the Broadway.

Guy Time

Wade, Dan, Jim and Mike at the Broadway Tavern in Madison.

Friends

Liliana in Madison with new friends Dawson, Carter, Leah and Drew.

Sevens are Wild!

Happy 7/7/7! What a cool date. I bet this day goes down in history for having the most weddings ever. Lucky sevens appeal to most people, superstitious or not.

Have a great weekend! Ramona

Everyone Loves a Parade

What's Independence Day without a hometown parade? Here we are in Webster Groves, Missouri on the 4th of July. This was Liliana's first parade since Mardi Gras. Let's just say there was more than a slight difference.

We particularly enjoyed the funny clowns and flying candy. Go figure.

Hope you enjoyed your holiday! Ramona

Pageant Winners

Wade and I show off our pageant wave at the Webster Groves parade. Elbow, elbow, wrist, wrist, wrist. That's the way the beauty queens do it (so I've heard).

Clowning Around on the 4th

This morning, we took in the Webster Groves parade with our pals, the Snodgrass family. Kate and I had fun clowning around while the kiddos and hubbies collected candy.

After the very hot morning, we all dashed to the pool to cool off. Apparently, our idea wasn't very original. Chadwick was packed with families in need of refreshment. Quite a few of our friends and neighbors were there, so it turned into one big 4th of July party!

Watching Intently

For the first few moments, Liliana was mesmerized by the colorful explosions in the sky. When I asked her what she thought of the fireworks, all she could muster was "Good!" Here's a profile of my lovebug as she watches the grand display.

Because of our special outing this evening, Liliana stayed up until 10:00pm for the first time in her scheduled life. Does this mean she'll sleep in for Mommy and Daddy? Tune in tomorrow to find out...

Fireworks Extravaganza

For the first time ever, we observed the Twin Oaks fireworks gala. Liliana started off the evening by trying to eat a glow stick. Her mouth and hands were a lovely shade of fluorescent yellow.

Here she is with her little friends just before the fireworks got underway.

Family 4th of July Fun

Here we are at the Jarvis family 4th of July party Saturday night. What a spectacular shindig! This family extravaganza was the first of many celebratory activities on our calendar for Independence week.

We're busier this year than any other. I don't mind one bit...and we all know Wade loves the action!

Liliana in the Hizouse!

You may not know this, but Liliana recently had some serious dental work. Living in da Lou, there's a great deal of pressure to display "the bling" in your teeth. Although we resisted for awhile, Wade and I decided that one is never too young to show off the goods. Here's what Mississippi Wade chose for our daughter...

Isn't She Lovely!

Estrogen and Excitement

Today I began heavy doses of estrogen--8mg of Estrace and 3 Vivelle dots. Having never taken this hormone, I had no idea what to expect. Everything was hunky dory until early this evening when a whopping headache set in. Four hours later and it's still a doozy!

Despite my new regimen, we had quite an eventful day. After a morning of playing at home, we ventured to the pool for swimming and Family Fun Day activities. For the first time ever, Daddy witnessed Liliana's new tricks: jumping off the diving board and swimming to the ladder without floaties. Yep, that's right--my little 2.5-year-old can swim on her own after only a month of pool time. I'm soooooooo excited! Of course, she still needs a parent next to her while she develops her skills, but she's doing it all by herself! Daddy is a bit nervous watching Liliana's new accomplishments, but I'm totally stoked!

During the family pool activities, we all enjoyed games, snacks and camaraderie. When it came time for the noodle race, a group of us formed a super-duper championship relay team. Members included Carter and Cole Snodgrass, Liliana and moi (only one adult allowed per team). Believe it or not, our team was in first place after three laps...and then it was Liliana's turn. At the last moment, she decided she didn't want to swim by herself. So, she rode piggyback on mommy for the final leg of the race. Although we didn't take first prize, we sure pleased the crowd!

Tonight was the annual Jarvis 4th of July party. Neighborly friends, good eats, games and fireworks--what a blast! I'll be posting photos as soon as they're ready. Check back for pix that are sure to make you smile.

Well, my noggin is aching and my coach is turning into a pumpkin. Goodnight!