Our Journey

If you're wondering what the journey looks like for someone diagnosed with infertility, here are some numbers that may be helpful. Although everyone's road is different, our statistics look like this:

Months actively trying to conceive: 41
Natural cycles (without meds): 13
Cycles on Clomid: 12
Months on Clomid and injectibles: 2
Cycles on serious injectible medications: 9
IUI Cycles with injectible follicle stimulation meds: 4
In Vitro Fertilization attempts: 2
Frozen Embryo Transfers: cycle in process
Months on post-ovulatory progesterone treatments: 30
Pregnancies: 4
Miscarriages: 3
Children at home: 1
Unborn Angels: 6
Dollars invested in fertility treatments: A mind-blowing number.
Tears shed during infertility struggles: Countless.
Being a parent: Priceless.

A Blessing in Disguise

During the past few weeks, I have come to realize that an incredible blessing has resulted from our struggle with infertility. I've always believed that God would work wonders through this process, but I expected it to be mostly internal for me. And while the challenges have definitely strengthened my character, this waiting has also allowed my relationship with Liliana to grow and develop into something even more beautiful than I ever imagined.

Because Liliana has been our only child, she has not known a day that she wasn't the primary focus of our attention and adoration. Had our family expanded as we planned, my attention would have been divided...and our bond would not be so strong. Not only have I been able to give her more one-on-one time, but I've also nurtured her with such a thankful heart. Waiting on the Lord has given me more gratitude and patience..and ultimately, an opportunity to know my daughter in a truly profound and priceless way.

Thank you, God, for this precious daughter. May it be Your will to grant us the gift of another child.

Bless you,
Ramona

Party Time

We are so fortunate to have a fabulous group of friends here in St. Louis. To show our appreciation, we had a small get together at our house on Saturday. Although we had one uninvited guest--thunderstorms--everyone seemed to have a good time. That's the word on the street, at least. Thanks to everyone who braved the elements to be here!

Here is a photo of Liliana at the party with some of her friends. She experienced so much excitement that she slept in a full hour the following morning. No complaints from Mommy and Daddy!

Goodbye and Good Riddance!

This has been a tough week of side effects. More than any other medication I've taken in the past years, the Desogen has seriously kicked my butt. It made me feel exhausted and irritable and emotional and ravenously hungry. What a great combination, huh? Here I am trying to get back in shape, and my meds counteract all of my efforts. Thankfully, today was my last pill. Good riddance, nasty Desogen! Tomorrow is my first Lupron injection, and hopefully it will balance out my hormones. I sure hope so!

I have about three weeks to go before my final assisted reproductive treatment. Please pray that the Lord will bless our Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) and provide us with a healthy child. At this point, we are praying for twins!

Hope your weekend is wonderful! Ramona

Baby Liliana

I've been working on photo albums today, and I am struck by the number of photos I have taken since Liliana was born. I don't know whether it's the fact that I am so thankful for her or that I'm a photography maniac (or some combination of the two), but I literally have thousands of pictures! Here's one of my personal faves. Am I a proud Mama or what!

Wonderful Weekend

Our Father's Day weekend was packed with thrilling activities. We awoke at bright and early at 6:15 Saturday morning and headed downtown for the Race for the Cure. Being party lovers, we totally enjoyed the commotion in St. Louie for the Komen race. The streets were flooded with people, bands, sponsors and emotion. After walking the course in less than 45 minutes, Wade, Liliana and I had brunch at the Omni hotel. With full tummies, we then went to Chadwick pool to cool off and relax. When returned home, all three of us were completely exhausted...so we took a family nap.

To further celebrate Daddy, we took Wade bowling at the local alley (which, by the way, was the nicest bowling establishment we've ever seen). I was pleasantly surprised to find a Noble Romans inside the building...so I indulged in an order of my very favorite breadsticks. Using a ramp and a 7 lb ball, Liliana bowled her first game ever. When she made her first strike, Wade and I screamed and cheered, scaring the poor girl to tears! All in all, Liliana earned a score of 99, beating Mommy (who had her worst game ever). Wade emerged victorious, but not by much!

After our bowling excursion, I took Wade out for dinner at a cozy New Orleans style cafe nearby. We danced to Zydeco music while enjoying the spicy red beans and rice. We were so satisfied that we had to take the bread pudding to go. Once Liliana settled down to sleep, Wade and I cuddled on the sofa in front of Apocalypto. The triumph of the human spirit was overshadowed by scenes so graphic that I had to hide my eyes. Definitely not for the faint of heart.

Yesterday was more relaxed, much like our typical Sundays. We grilled burgers at the pool for dinner and watched Pans Labyrinth. Creative, captivating and quite graphic in a couple spots. Overall, two thumbs up.

As we embark on a new week, I am glad to get back to a routine. Just one month away from our Frozen Embryo Transfer. I'm starting to get excited!

Blessings, Ramona

In the Refining Fire

Today was the fourth consecutive day that someone at the pool asked me, "Is Liliana your only child?" Each time, I smiled and casually responded, "Yes, but not for lack of trying!"

And although I am able to jokingly play off the fact that we only have one child, my heart is constantly plagued with a dull ache of longing for the children I have lost. I feel deep sadness that Liliana does not have a sibling. And my desire for another child has not subsided during this long wait. Instead, it seems to intensify with each passing day.

Today, my sister-in-law sent me this story. She didn't know it, but the content was exactly what I needed. God knew, and He delivered it to me at just the right moment.

Malachi 3:3 says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God. One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver.

As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needs to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver." She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined.

The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?" He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it."

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire , remember that God is holding you tightly and He is watching closely to see His image in you.

God allows us to walk through the refining fire so that we may glorify Him while being refined and purified. Although it has been extremely painful, this battle with infertility has been a beautiful opportunity to become more like my Savior. And for that, I am truly grateful.

Resting in His perfect timing,
Ramona

Liliana the Explorer

Liliana is a wildlife lover. Every time we go outdoors, she explores the territory for birds, frogs, worms and squirrels. In this photo, Liliana fearlessly feeds a flock of ducks. When they got too close for comfort, she puckered up her lips and blew at them (as if she had the power to blow them away). That's my girl!

Summer Fun

The days pass so quickly during summertime. Liliana and I spend most of our time outdoors, mainly at Chadwick Family Pool. If you haven't picked up this little tidbit in previous posts, we love the water! For the first time ever, Liliana swam with her arms and legs last night. I was so thrilled! She may be swimming without floaties by the end of the summer. Wouldn't that be something?!

This morning we enjoyed a free movie at the Mills Regal Theater. Much to my surprise, Liliana made it through the entire show. She started squirming an hour into the flick, so I gave her a See's caramel lollipop...and that kept her busy for another 30 minutes. The movie, Doogal, was relatively entertaining, with plenty of jokes and references that adults could enjoy. There were a few times when I was the only person laughing in the entire theater. I prefer to think that I'm the only one who grasped the humor...but there may be a better explanation.

After a full week of exercising and eating right (other than that carton of Blue Bunny Super Chunky Cookie Dough ice cream), I'm feeling pretty good. I've been gearing up for the Komen Race for the Cure by walking each morning with Liliana in the backpack. Carrying that extra 36 lbs. definitely makes a difference. The race is Saturday morning, and we'll be joining a friend and breast cancer survivor on the course.

Each evening, I alternate Pilates and weights. A couple nights ago, Wade joined my Pilates session. Let me just say that the cameras should have been rolling. The man is a soccer genius, but he has some room for improvement when it comes to graceful motion. If you're interested in some uproarious laughter, join us tonight around 8:30pm for the next session!

Hope you're having as much fun as we are! Blessings, Ramona

Shaping Up!

For the first time in over two years, I actually have a green light for physical exercise over a four-week stretch. Although I'm very thankful for the opportunity to get back in shape, I've been idle for so long that it's sometimes difficult to get moving. And my medication regimen (to prepare for July's Frozen Blastocyst Transfer) is causing fatigue and serious cravings all day long. To make matters worse, my willpower needs a serious tune-up!

Since Tuesday, I've been doing Pilates, toning with weights, swimming and power walking. I'm seeing results and feeling pretty good, but every day is a constant battle to keep up the routine. Thankfully, I'm well-versed in nutrition, exercise and the psychology of it all. Knowing it and doing it can be two very different things, though.

I pray that God will give me more strength and increased willpower in the coming weeks. My goal is to be in tip-top shape by July 17th so that I can have every chance for a healthy pregnancy. Wade and I are hopeful that the FBT will have a positive outcome. This is our last chance, and I'm starting to get a little anxious about it. Trust, trust, trust God and His perfect timing.

Have a terrific week! Blessings, Ramona

It's a Wonderful Life

Life is really good these days. I am so grateful for the many blessings in our lives, and I praise God for His gifts. The past few weeks have been so focused on living life that I have temporarily forgotten our ongoing struggle with infertility. I have to admit that I have not missed the constant planning, agonizing, injecting meds and visiting doctors.

With our Frozen Blastocyst Transfer (FBT) rapidly approaching, I am now compelled to get my head back in the game. Fortunately, I have a positive feeling about this procedure, and I feel rested and refreshed. Not only is my body ready for this process, but I am blessed to have a world renowned doctor on my side. Dr. Silber's freezing technique is so far advanced that 99% of embryos survive the thawing process. That is great news for us, because losing the embryos was originally my greatest concern. Since we have only two frozen "snowflakes," there is no room for error. And this is our last attempt using advanced reproductive technology...so we are hoping and praying for success.

Ultimately, God is in control, and He is not bound by statistics or the limits of modern medicine. Thank goodness for that! He is the One who gives and takes away, and I trust His perfect timing.

Here's to a wonderful weekend. May you relish the blessings in your life,
Ramona

Cousins

Liliana and her cousins spent two afternoons on the beach in Ocean Springs, Mississippi. Family beach time was definitely a highlight of our trip. Wade and I wish we could transplant our community of friends to beachfront property somewhere. We love the water so much that we almost stayed in Hawaii after our honeymoon ended. Some people love the mountains, and some love the beach. Can you guess where we fall on that spectrum?

Family Fishin'

Here's the whole crew after our fishing trip. In the background, you can see our vessel, the Silver Dollar II, and a couple of fish from the day's catch. Wade caught both the huge shark and the large Cobia pictured. He had quite a day!

Mona's Catch

Proof of my fish story. We just returned from our 5th annual deep sea fishing adventure in Mississippi. This Jack Crevalle is my biggest catch ever! Boy did he put up a fight! My muscles are still sore from reeling him in. Thanks to my sis-in-law, Becky, for helping with this tough one. Jack fish are too bony to eat, so we released him in the ocean...but not before we captured him on film!

More fish photos to come...

Ahhh...The Comforts of Home

We are back in St. Louis after a wonderful 10-day vacation. Despite having an incredibly fun time with both sides of the family, I am so glad to be back in our home sweet home. Sleeping in my own comfy bed was such a treat...and Liliana must have felt quite cozy, because she slept in 'til 8:00am. Crazy Wade played in an 11:10pm soccer game with his cronies, so he's not as bright eyed and bushy tailed as us girls.

The only down side of our return was the virtual wilderness in our yard and a pungent smell in our kitchen caused by a deceased White Cloud. Yes, that's number three for the year. We're not doing so well in the pet fish area. I guess I shouldn't have wholeheartedly trusted the 17-year-old Petco "expert" who recommended a 10-day feeder, because here we are with another casualty. We are officially not fish people.

Speaking of fish, we caught some doozies on our annual deep sea fishing adventure. I'll post photos tonight.

Hope you're enjoying June! Blessings, Ramona

Ocean Springs Beach

Liliana has been quite the North American traveler during her short life. Since she was just two weeks old, we've been enjoying family adventures around the country. From Missouri to Michigan and Mississippi to Maine, she's seen many places and faces. During the past week, our travels have taken us to see family in both the Midwest and the Bible Belt.

After visiting at least a dozen states, it appears that Liliana's favorites are those with beaches. Not surprisingly, she is as fearless in the ocean as she is in the swimming pool--jumping and diving with only her little arm floaties to help her stay above water. What a wild child! She definitely takes after her mommy in that arena.