Little Swimmers

Wade, Liliana and I spent the weekend with my family in Indiana. Liliana had an opportunity to spend time with her Grammy Joy, Uncle Russ and cousins Luke and Clayton. No matter how often we visit family, it never seems like enough. The children are growing and changing so quickly that if you miss a few months, you've missed major milestones.

The big highlight for Liliana was swimming in Robert and Chamaine's pool. For the very first time, she swam by herself with a little help from arm floaties. She and Luke loved swimming and jumping off the diving board so much that they literally had to be dragged from the pool.

We plan to spend many hours at the pool this summer. Hopefully Liliana will be swimming solo by September. Here's to sunshine...and lots of it!

The Little Things

Each day is so precious. We can find joy in the simplest of things, if only we look for it. Here, Liliana paints a masterpiece on tile for a sweet Mother's Day gift. I find the homemade presents to be the most valuable.

We must not, in trying to think about how we can make a big difference, ignore the small daily differences we can make--which, over time, add up to big differences that we often cannot foresee. --Marian Wright Edelman

Imagination x 2

Liliana in the back yard making (in her words) "cow's butter" and "soy milk" by combining sprinkler water and dirt. Ahh, the imagination of a 2-year-old. She is definitely a water baby who seizes every opportunity to splish and splash. Summertime is going to be a blast! I'm so thankful that God blessed me with this amazing child. She is such a joy.

SO Hard to Say Goodbye

Last week we said goodbye to our Monday night Bible Study group. I sure will miss spending time with this beautiful group of ladies. Pictured L to R: Leigh Ann, Mona, Lori, Andrea, Christy, Elizabeth, Nancy, Bekah, and Barb. Liz was unable to be with us (congrats to her for great news).

Praying for a Miracle

This week has been a rollercoaster of emotions. All is well on the home front, but the situation with my extended family has intensified. I am very concerned that someone I love is about to make a grave mistake that will seriously impact the rest of the family. Please pray that she will reconsider and take the high road before it's too late.

More this afternoon...
Blessings, Ramona

Where Do We Go From Here?

Several days ago, our friend Leann asked a great question. She wanted to know the reason that this will be our last attempt at conceiving a child through advanced reproductive technology. Basically, there are no medical limits on the number of times one may undergo IVF or IUI; however, we have personally met our financial limit. At this point, about $50,000 has been invested in our attempts to conceive. That's a great deal of money, no matter how you look at it. Although I don't regret it, I am convicted that there are more certain and sacrificial ways for us to proceed.

Should July's Frozen Embryo Transfer be unsuccessful, I feel strongly that we should invest in adoption. At that point, we will have exhausted every treatment option available. If we found a huge bag of money, we would probably continue IVFs until I'm no longer of child-bearing age. But barring some miraculous windfall, it is time for us to be sure any future investment guarantees us a child. I feel convicted that adoption should be our next step. Of course, we will continue to pray for a miraculous natural conception. But I believe our efforts should be directed toward giving an orphaned child a loving home.

Of course, we know that God's plan may be different than ours. He may change our hearts or drop the aforementioned bag of money in our laps. Who knows. At this point, I pray that the FET yields a healthy pregnancy. If not, I pray that Wade and I will have congruent feelings about our next step.

Please keep the questions coming! Blessings, Ramona

Vision of Loveliness

The day after Mother's Day, Liliana awoke from her nap, and instead of her usual, "Mama, mama!" she climbed out of her crib and turned on the light. Wade noticed that her light was on, and I decided to investigate. I quietly peered in to spy on her activities.

Much to my surprise, Liliana was not swinging from the ceiling fan, but rather sitting quietly in the rocking chair, looking at our family photo. When she heard the door open, she looked up and said ever-so-sweetly, "Happy Mother's Day, Mama." My heart melted. I said, "Thank you so much! What are you doing?" She answered, "Just looking at a picture of Mama." Precious. I could have spread her on a cracker and eaten her up!

Diving Diva

Last night we spent quality time with friends, and two of us braved the frigid water. Wild and crazy Liliana went off the diving board for her first time. Look out, world, she may follow in her mama's footsteps!

FET Target Date

Wade and I are gradually coming to terms with the outcome of our last IVF, knowing that God's timing is perfect and we must trust in His goodness. At this point, we are scheduled for a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) on July 17th. We have two remaining embryos, and they are our last hope for pregnancy through Advanced Reproductive Technology. We pray that this final attempt will be successful. After that, our only option is adoption (although we will continue to pray for a miraculous conception).

Please pray that we may be a blessing to others through this process.
Through His strength, Ramona

Missouri Botanical Gardens in Bloom

We've had a ball touring around St. Louis with our friends the past few days. Here's a shot of my sweet flower walking through the iris exhibit at the Missouri Botanical Gardens.

Adventures in Infertility

Well, it's been a weekend of processing, grieving and binging on Hostess Crumb Donettes, Houlihan's Stuffed 'Shrooms and Diet Wild Cherry Pepsi. I am now back to my healthy ways and ready to face the world again.

After prayerful consideration and collaboration with our trusty caregivers, Wade and I have determined that our next episode of Adventures in Infertility will be take place in mid-July. It will be a double feature entitled, "Frozen Embryo Transfer x 2." I'm waiting for Dr. Silber's people to contact my people to talk finances and firm dates.

Although the cost of FET is much less than IVF, it's definitely not pocket change. I considered setting up a trust fund to help with the medical bills, but instead decided this would be a great opportunity to encourage the sale of Wade's contraband motorcycle. If anyone is interested, it's a striking royal blue 1982 Yamaha Maxim 750 in great condition with less than 16K miles. Place your bids in the comment section!

As you can tell, I'm doing much better today. A big part of the reason is that there seems to be some hope with the dire family situation I mentioned Friday. I'd love to expound further, but it's a private matter--too sensitive to put on a blog. If you feel led, please pray that there is a positive resolution for a couple I love dearly. God will know who you're talking about!

Thanks again for all of the uplifting comments and prayers. A special shout out to Dave and Kate, who brought us a gorgeous plant and loving words. Also, thanks to Wade's parents for lovely outside dining at Houlihan's...a much needed break from reality!

Bless you all, Ramona

Thank You

Thank you so much for your continual support, encouragement and prayer. Wade and I feel the inexplicable strength and comfort that result from people lifting us up to the Lord. It is clear that God is holding us tightly in His loving arms as we grieve, and we are confident that much good will come from this trial.

Bless you, Ramona

Overwhelmed with Emotion

My heart is very heavy today. My pregnancy test was negative, and we are now grieving the fact that we will never hold our two precious children this side of heaven. It's an emotional day for us. And if that weren't difficult enough, I also received very sad news about a family situation. So many thoughts are tumbling through my mind that I don't know what to say.

As far as my pregnancy test goes, I guess I'll start with the medical side. My beta hCG level was less than one, which basically means there's no sign of pregnancy whatsoever. The only way the test could be wrong is if the lab made a major mistake, but that is highly unlikely. As I recently posted, I was fairly certain I was going to get my period instead of a positive test result. The last shred of hope fell away when I heard the nurse's tone of voice on the phone. I immediately knew the IVF had failed.

Wade seems to be taking it harder than in the past. He really wanted to believe a pregnancy was probable, despite the negative signs we saw the past couple of days. Since his hopes were so high, he had a long way to fall when we got the results. Plus, with each failed attempt, Wade is gradually realizing the seriousness of our struggle with infertility. Please remember him in your prayers during this time.

As for me, I've been acutely aware of the challenges we face for quite awhile. Today I'm sad, disappointed, frustrated and a little angry. It's incredibly difficult to hope and sacrifice for so many months, just to learn the treatment failed. But then again, I know I did everything humanly possible to ensure success. The outcome was in God's hands...and now our babies are in His hands eternally. Six unborn children in heaven--it's hard to wrap your mind around a concept like that.

While I am sad that I will not see and touch my children in this lifetime, I am so glad to know that I will know them one day. They are with the Savior now, and I will be with them for eternity. What parent doesn't want their child to know the Lord and have an eternal place in heaven? I rejoice in that fact and rest in God's promises for the future.

I am also so infinitely thankful for the daughter I hug and kiss and hold every single day, as well as the hope of having two embryos for a future transfer. I am blessed in so many ways, and I do not lose sight of that for one moment. As I grieve this temporary loss, I will continue to delight in my family, friends and good fortune. And I will trust in God's perfect timing.

Thank you for lifting us up during this trying time. May you be richly blessed, Ramona

Midnight Musings

It's midnight. I can't sleep. Surprise, surprise. Why is it that my mind goes bananas the night before anything semi-important? I guess I've always been this way. When I was a young girl, I would get so excited about the first day of school that I'd make my debut with six measly minutes of sleep under my belt (but rest assured it was the perfect belt, because I stayed up all night thinking about exactly how to accessorize with my big hair and jellies).

Apparently, old habits die hard. Right now my coach is turning into a pumpkin because of a simple blood draw at the lab. I know, I know...it's really the result I'm anxious about, but it sure seems silly to get so worked up. I should be dreaming instead of typing. My sweet, sick girl has been crying for me hourly, so rest will surely be a rare commodity tonight.

Liliana is doing a little better, by the way. According to Dr. Graham, she has a viral infection that's making rounds in the kiddie community. Her fever should subside in a couple days, and she will be jumping on the bed by the end of the weekend. Her rash was just a stubborn case of contact dermatitis (from rubbing the elastic on her Smiles size 5's). With several treatments of hydrocortizone cream, her tushy will be as soft and squishy as ever.

On another note: My new friend, Niki, introduced me to a Christian network for women with infertility issues. It's called Hannah's Prayer, and I really think I'm going to find comfort in traveling this road with believers who share a similar struggle. I'm sure Wade was relieved to hear I've found another place to express the innermost details of my womanhood. Believe me when I tell you there are things even a husband doesn't want to hear--things much too personal to post on a blog. Ladies who have had your feet in metal stirrups, can I get a witness?!

That reminds me... My first OB-Gyn had a poster of Patrick Swayze on the ceiling above the examination table. Never mind that it was 1989 in rural Indiana, no woman should look up from her position on the table and see a picture of a half-nekked (there's that word again) male icon. We're supposed to be finding a happy place, not Road House. Oh, I digress.

Well, my eyes are tired. Hopefully I'll be able to quiet my mind enough to fall asleep before the next "Mama, mama!" Although I don't relish 3:00am cries, I wouldn't trade the precious gift of motherhood for the world. Please pray that I have the opportunity to be Mommy to another little one in the future.

May God bless you and yours, Ramona

Low Expectations, High Fever

Well, we're less than 24 hours away from the beta hCG pregnancy test. I go to the lab at St. Luke's first thing tomorrow morning, and I'll receive the results between 10:00 and 11:00am. The night before last, I was convinced that our IVF was successful. Now I feel almost certain that I'm getting a period instead of a positive pregnancy test. Happy Mother's Day to me.

I really am a positive person, but I have to be realistic here. The only sign of pregnancy I still have is nausea (and I could totally be wishing that upon myself). Everything else points to an unwelcome visit from Aunt Flow. I hope and pray that my suspicions are wrong about the situation. It's in God's hands now...and I pray that He will grant us a pleasant surprise tomorrow.

The past couple days have been very stressful for me...and for Wade. Not only have our hopes come tumbling down, but our precious Liliana also became ill. She developed a high fever yesterday, and she has a strange rash that's persisted for a week. Poor baby cried in discomfort all through the night, and I had to wake her several times to give acetaminophen to reduce the fever. I feel like I slept for 45 minutes last night. Liliana probably does, too. She has an appointment to see Dr. Graham at 12:45 today, and then hopefully she'll nap like a champ!

On a positive note, my whopping headache is almost gone. Thank the Lord! Life is so much better (and easier) without a throbbin' noggin.

Thank you so much for your continued support, encouragement and prayers. I truly appreciate it! Have a wonderful day, Ramona

Welcome to My Wednesday

The suspense of waiting got the best of me last night, and I decided to have a home pregnancy test on hand, just in case. So I asked Wade to run to Walgreens to pick up a test kit, along with a 2-liter of Canada Dry to help my aching tummy. The nausea was so bad that I wanted to throw up just to have some relief. On top of that, my headache became a full-fledged migraine that kept me up most of the night.

Somewhere between serious pain, serious prayer and occasional winks of sleep, I debated whether or not to succumb to the temptation of a pregnancy test. Part of me trusted the nausea enough to wait 'til Friday's lab test, while the rest of me was sold on knowing the result right away.

I read the pamphlet inside the test kit, and it delineated the accuracy for each day before the "best" test date (Friday). I thought, "Okay, at this point, the test would be 74-84% on target. Hmmm...that's is just high enough that I'd have a good chance of getting a positive result (and relief from waiting) and just low enough that I could attribute a negative result to the possibility of error. Plus, I've had several false-negatives in the past. Sounds okay." Then I thought about the severity of my headache and the fact that I may need some chiropractic intervention. I wondered if I could undergo osteopathic manipulation if I'm pregnant. I realized that I'd need to know in order to decide what treatment to pursue. Finally, somewhere around 4:30am, I decided to go ahead with the test first thing in the morning. I'm sure I swayed the arguments the way I wanted them to go.

At 7:20am, my bladder woke me up from the first round of good sleep I had all night. I broke out the test, peed on the stick, waited two minutes and looked at the result window. One line. Negative. I peered at the stick as closely as possible to make sure I wasn't missing the other line. Nope. Negative. I laid back down, feeling disappointed but still hopeful that Friday's test would be positive. My nausea was still going strong, so I didn't sweat the test results. I didn't even wake Wade to tell him. Why bother him with inaccurate results, right?

Shortly after Liliana awoke, I noticed spotting. I immediately assumed the blood was my typical spotting before each monthly cycle. I had no idea what else it could be. I could feel the hope leaving my body and falling to the floor. A negative pregnancy test and spotting. My heart sank.

I wept as Wade and I discussed the situation. I was crushed. I thought I'd immediately be at peace with whatever God put in front of us, but I felt sadness instead. At the same time I was grieving a perceived lack of pregnancy, I experienced more nausea...a symptom that's always been an accurate predictor of pregnancy for me. I was both confused and frustrated that I could have such a strong sign of pregnancy with two serious strikes against it.

Teary eyed, I called Dr. Pineda's office and left a message about the morning's events. When nurse Janna called back, she offered more hope than I anticipated. Janna told me that the bleeding could be from the implantation of embryos. Further, she stated that the pregnancy test was much to early to be trusted. She advised me to add two oral progesterone capsules to my daily regimen of medications (to help support a potential pregnancy). I asked her if there was any way my nausea could be a side effect of my medications, and she assured me that it isn't. According to Janna, I need to hope for the best and wait until Friday's blood pregnancy test.

After my conversation with the nurse, I felt a little bit of hope wash over me. Although I'm still an emotional mess, I do feel like there's a chance I'm pregnant. After all, the nausea is as strong as ever. So, once again, I will wait and pray. Friday seems further away than ever.

Please keep this situation in your prayers and lift up our desire for a healthy baby (or two).
Bless you, Ramona

Three Days 'Til the Test

I've had a peaceful morning with Liliana. We've been swimming, blowing bubbles, coloring with sidewalk chalk, playing zoo with little animals and walking in the neighborhood. It's almost nap time for the girls, and I'm ready for it! I've had a splitting headache since yesterday afternoon. I know exactly which tensed-up muscles are causing it, but I haven't been able to relax them. Between the headaches and serious nausea, I was up almost all night. Hopefully some rest will cure the aching head; I'll keep the nausea, thank you very much!

Less than three days til my first pregnancy test, and the waiting is driving me bonkers. In the comment section, Mark and Niki (faithful blog readers I've never met) asked if I am planning to do a home pregnancy test. As tempting as it is, I'm trying to wait until Friday. For some reason, the home tests haven't been accurate for me. I've had false-negatives several times. And the way I look at it, this waiting game helps me to strengthen my patience. God knows I'm going to need it. Even if my pregnancy test is positive, it will be a long road before I'm out of the woods. With three miscarriages in my past, I'll be on pins and needles until the second trimester safely arrives.

Keep praying! Ramona

Things are Lookin' Good!

Here's my baby doll swinging in our back yard. We've been making the most of the sunshine the past couple of days, especially with so many rainy days last week and six days of thunderstorms in the forecast. Today I set up Liliana's pool, and she splashed around in the frigid water for at least an hour. I attempted to do my Bible study while she romped, but I couldn't resist the urge to watch her antics. Needless to say, I did not finish my study.

Earlier I read my journal entries from the beginning of January to compare the post-IVF symptoms I'm experiencing. My current physical condition is a mirror image of the days just before my positive pregnancy test in January. My nausea is pretty steady, with a few breaks throughout the day. I'm so thankful for the feeling that I'd prefer to have nausea non-stop! I've been trying to curb my excitement, but it's getting more difficult with each passing day of pregnancy symptoms. Things are looking good!

Pray for healthy baby(ies)! Blessings, Ramona

Hello, Nausea!

A little nausea has come my way the past couple days, and it seems to be steadily increasing. I'm trying not to get excited, but I am certainly feeling hopeful. I've also started experiencing other signs of pregnancy, but nausea is the most meaningful because it can't be attributed to the medications. Morning sickness (24-hour) kicked in around this time after my last IVF...and I had nausea with each of my pregnancies. So, this is a good thing! My first pregnancy test is still almost a week away. Until then, I continue to eat, drink and sleep as if I'm carrying a child. And, of course, pray for healthy babies!

Happy Cinco De Mayo! Ramona

Focus on Friends and Family

A stoic Liliana poses with Wrigley, who belongs to my closest pal, Cindy. It's a blessing to have Cindy in town for awhile. We jokingly call her our "good luck charm," because she's been in St. Louis every time we've conceived a child. And it just so happened that she was here during the IVF. What a coincidence!

Today we bid adieu to Grandfather and Grammy. Words cannot express how helpful they were during the past week. We were very sad to see them go. Even Liliana began crying and said, "I'm too sad." Thank you, Bill and Mary, for caring for Liliana (Wade & me, too), making meals and cleaning my kitchen! We look forward to seeing you for the annual deep sea fishing adventure.

It seems that I'm not recovering as well as expected. The pain in my ovaries has not diminished much. It's already been a week since the procedure. I talked to Dr. Pineda's nurse today, and she advised me to lie down as much as possible and avoid any physical exertion. Easier said than done! Hello, 2 1/2 year old toddler!

Praying for a speedy recovery and two healthy babies, Ramona

Adjusting to Change

Liliana loves to clean her pearly whites with her new "Dora the Explorer" electric toothbrush. This little item has transformed our brushing routine from "Do I have to?" to "May I please!" She absolutely loves the sensation...and it doesn't hurt to have Dora, Boots and Backpack on the handle. Once again, I shout, "Hooray for modern technology!"

My sweet girl has been having a rough time adjusting to Mommy's absences and diminished ability to play. Since Liliana has a difficult time identifying and labeling her feelings (as all 2-year-olds do), she has been acting out in dramatic fashion. As much as I adore my daughter, I was relieved when bedtime finally arrived last night. She gave all of us a run for our money yesterday.

It is clear that the past few days has been bittersweet for Liliana. On one hand, she has spent a great deal of time with her beloved Grammy and Grandfather. But on the other, her world has been turned upside down. For all of her life, Mommy has been there 24/7; and now, Mommy isn't available all of the time. She has been trying to make sense of it, and we've all suffered the consequences. Hopefully things will go right back to normal when I finish recuperating. I have a feeling she'll bounce right back.

As far as my recovery goes, I continue to experience sharp pain in the area of my ovaries. They are still in the process of healing from the egg retrieval. I had a few mild pains in my abdomen this morning, and I've been praying that they were due to embryo implantation. The implantation process may occur any time this week, usually around this point. Time to pray, pray, pray!

Here's to a warm, snugly place for my embryos! Enjoy your Wednesday, Ramona