Climbing Through the Creek

Our recent adventures took us to a local park, where we hiked along a creek, skipped stones, looked for wildlife and played on a jungle gym. Liliana was especially thrilled when she spotted a turtle on the bank of the creek. Her favorite activity was throwing stones in the water and watching the resulting effect. She absolutely loves the outdoors, just like her mommy! I come by it honestly. Back in the good ol' days, my mom took us on hikes along a creek in Madison, where we caught many mudpuppies and crawdaddies along the way. Fun for the whole family!

Love and Longing

I've always felt that parenthood gets sweeter with each passing day. Today is no exception. Liliana and I have been experiencing a closer bond than ever. She is communicating so well and her little personality is blossoming in technicolor. She is so imaginative, humorous and innovative--and I am enjoying this stage in her development more than any other.

As I observe these amazing changes in my daughter, my longing for another child continues to grow. I so desire to love and encourage another little one, and I pray that God grants me the opportunity to do so.

I am beginning to experience anxiety about our upcoming IVF...fear that we will go through all of the physical, emotional and financial sacrifice for nothing. Just when I feel like I've put complete trust in the Lord, nervous feelings creep in and take hold. Obviously I need to work on resting in the Lord. Please pray that I would have peace and total faith during this process.

In His hands, Ramona

St. Louis City Museum

Liliana is pictured at the St. Louis City Museum, where she enjoys the ball pit, slides and fun things to climb. I love the creative exhibits, random relics and works of art embedded throughout the attractions. It is truly one of a kind! As much as we love this St. Louie hot spot, though, it is not for everyone. Parents of toddlers must be 100% on their game, because there are plenty of opportunities to lose a child. And if you want to experience all of the fabulous nooks and crannies, be prepared for climbing and wriggling through tight spaces. We call it a crazy kind of fun!

Springtime in St. Louis

This is such a beautiful time of year. I love to feel the warm sunshine and see the budding plants peek through the soil and push their way skyward. Liliana and I tour the yard daily, just marveling at the amazing growth (Liliana really enjoys looking for worms and roly poly bugs). Springtime is the epitome of rebirth and growth in the world. What a perfect time of year for us to set new goals, start new projects and forge new relationships.

With Easter just around the corner, let us each remember the true meaning of the holiday and our personal rebirth in Christ. May you be richly blessed this Spring! Ramona

Treatment Update

IVF update: Today I begin my 2nd round of Desogen (birth control pills) to prepare for IVF. It's a short course that ends on April 5th. My Lupron injections start Monday, April 2nd, which is the same day most of our $$$ is due. Yikes! I will be giving myself shots every night until the egg retrieval (tentatively April 29th). First, Lupron, which puts my hormones in limbo so that the medications can dictate what happens. Then two follicle stimulating medications are added in mid-April. Finally, there's one HCG injection just before the egg extraction. Then after the embryos are transferred (May 2nd-ish), it's Wade's turn to give me progesterone injections in the hip every night. Yep, things are getting more complicated and exciting!

Even though this is our 2nd IVF process, it still takes a great deal of organization and planning. Dr. Silber's office provides a huge packet of instructions, medical orders and authorizations; and it's the patient's responsibility to review it, understand it and carry out the plans. The patient orders medications, attends injection training, schedules multiple MD appointments, takes oral meds & administers daily injections, keeps track of paperwork and goes to the hospital for ultrasounds and blood tests every other morning. It's crazy!

As we get closer to the target dates, I'll continue to explain the daily ins and outs of the process. It's quite fascinating, whether you're a medical genius or novice. And if you've been following this journal, you know that there's always drama involved. Hopefully this process will be uneventful, except for the final outcome!

Here's to smooth sailing!
Blessings, Ramona

Faust Park Follies

Our dear friends, Jim, Katie, Lou and Nick, are visiting this weekend. So far we've toured the St. Louis Zoo, Pepper Tree Village, Covenant Church, Chevy's Fresh Mex, Fortel's Pizza Den and Faust Park (pictured left). Tomorrow we go to the City Museum and Arch for the grand finale. It's been a terrific weekend, and we'll be sad to see them go back to Cincy.

The kids are having a ball together. Lou & Nick have been so brotherly to Liliana. Thanks for a wonderful weekend, Walros!

Liliana's First Easter Egg Hunt

Liliana participated in her first Easter egg hunt last week. The St. Louis Mills mall is now forever embedded in our memories thanks to its opportunity to meet the Easter bunny and hunt for eggs. Although Liliana is rarely frightened of anything, she wasn't thrilled to shake hands with the bunny. Instead, she wrapped her arms and legs around Mommy and refused to make eye contact. Not sure what that was all about, because she talked about the rabbit for the next three days. Toddlers...you gotta love 'em. Happy two weeks 'til Easter!

Spring Cleaning and Old Friends

Isn't Spring cleaning one of the best feelings? After several days of organizing, cleaning, discarding and giving away, our home seems almost brand new. My house is no longer a force to be reckoned with, but instead a soothing place to relax. My cleaning was partially inspired having visitors this weekend. My best pal from HS and his family are here through Monday.

It's been so much fun to have Jim, Katie, Lou and Nick in town. The kids have spent lots of time outside, and we went to the zoo this morning. Thank goodness it's sunny skies all weekend! Wade and I have enjoyed catching up with our dear friends after a long hiatus.

Here's to old friends and good times! Blessings, Ramona

The Life Aquatic

Liliana learned to swim today at the Des Peres Lodge. She is fearless! Not only did she explore every inch of the pool, but she swam without holding on to Mommy! What a big girl. She was so exhausted that she snoozed for three hours this afternoon. Mommy was pretty worn out, too.

Summertime is just around the corner, and we plan to do lots of swimming. Hopefully Liliana will be ready for slides and diving boards by then. She has learned that the water is her friend, despite swallowing quite a bit today. The aquatic life runs in my family, so she'll surely be a little mermaid.

St. Louis is above 70 degrees this week. Here's to warm weather, spring flowers and playing outdoors!

Blessings, Ramona

My Legacy

After months of teaching Liliana good old fashioned Southern manners, we are finally seeing the result. Not only does she say "please," "thank you," "I'm sorry," "Sir" and "Ma'am" appropriately, but she also starts her requests with "May I..." It is so rewarding to hear her little voice utter such politeness, and it has also been quite entertaining.

Yesterday morning, she awoke, stood up and asked me, "Mommy, may I wake up?" I replied, "Of course, honey, you're already awake." After playing outside in the sand box, she said, "May I have dirty feet?" As we were walking through a yard filled with doggy land mines, she inquired, "May I step in dog poop?" Oh, how I love that little charmer!

On a different note, here is an excerpt of a song that inspires me. I sing these powerful lyrics throughout the day as a reminder that I am here not for myself, but for Christ.

I want to leave a legacy.
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love?
Did I point to You enough
to make a mark on things?

I want to leave an offering;
A child of mercy and grace
who blessed Your name unapologetically;
And leave that kind of legacy.

Not well traveled, not well read,
Not well-to-do or well bred;
Just want to hear instead,
"Well done good and faithful one."

Legacy by Nichole Nordeman

A New Definition of Family

We just returned from Michigan. Amazingly, Gramcracker pulled through and is doing much better. Praise the Lord! She had all of us so concerned. Even her doctor thought she may have been in her last days. Although Gram isn't thrilled about her new residence at a nursing home, it seems to be the best option for her. Her injuries require months of physical therapy; her leg is severely broken AND neither of her arms is fully functional at this point (she had a stroke in one & the other is dislocated at the shoulder). She needs around-the-clock care to help recover to the point that she can return home.

It was difficult to see my Gram suffer so much. She has always been a pillar of grace and strength to me...and now she cannot even care for her basic needs. This independent woman is now completely dependent upon perfect strangers for every aspect of her care. It is my prayer that she will overcome her disappointment about being in a nursing home, muster up a strong will to survive and rise to the challenge that lies ahead of her.

As for our time with family, I couldn't have asked for more. I had wonderful opportunities to get to know family members on a personal level. Because I always lived relatively far away from my family (seven aunts & uncles and many cousins, most of whom grew up in Michigan), I always felt like somewhat of an outsider. Throughout my childhood, I saw my relatives once a year during Christmas--a situation that didn't exactly foster close relationships.

Over the past few days, I learned more about my family than in all of my 34 years, combined. I had real, honest conversations with aunts and cousins...and I gained great insight into the hearts and minds of people I've always longed to know. I now feel like I have meaningful relationships rather than distant relatives. And I have a true sense of belonging within my extended family. What an unexpected blessing!

As usual, Liliana was a terrific traveler and Wade was helpful beyond words. They had lots of daddy-daughter time, while I spent quality time with Gram and family. I appreciated Wade's willingness to take care of things behind the scenes so that I could have the time to do what I felt I needed to do. He is so thoughtful and generous. Thanks, honey!

Now it's back to life in St. Louie. I have lots of catching up to do, but I wouldn't trade a moment of my time in Michigan for an easier road here.

Here's to staying up 'til the wee hours of the night, talking about real issues and creating real relationships! Blessings, Ramona

My Gramcracker in the ICU

My mom called Friday, and the tone of her voice suggested that bad news was on its way. Sure enough, she informed me that my grandma was in the hospital. According to Mom, Gram broke her femur on Wednesday, and the injury required surgery and multiple pins to connect her frail bone. As if that weren't enough, Gram suffered a stroke while she was recovering in the hospital. Since then, she's been coming in and out of consciousness. At this point, the full extent of her condition is not clear. Things looked grim yesterday, so I packed my bags and headed for Michigan.

As of today, Gramcracker is in the ICU. I spent some time with her this morning, and the first thing she asked was, "How's that little darling?" Even in her fog, she though to ask about sweet Liliana. During my time with her, Gram appeared to be more alert and responsive. She's doing better today, but doctors are concerned about the possibility of blood clots. Her heartbeat has also shown irregularities, so the medical staff is also treating and monitoring her heart.

Please pray for my Gram--that she will heal quickly, regain full consciousness and cope well with the news of her impending nursing home stay. There is fear that she will lose hope and “let go” once she realizes she won’t be returning home. We are also praying for my mom and her siblings as they watch my grandma battle through these medical conditions. Yes, my mom quite the strong and independent woman, but it's not easy for anyone to see their parent in distress. Most of all, please pray that this crisis would strengthen family ties and lead my family members to a personal relationship with the Lord.

Here's to family--precious and dear. In Him, Ramona

God's Will Be Done!

Thank you so much to all of you who visit and share in this journey with me. I truly appreciate your time and relish your expressions of encouragement and concern. My husband and I are especially grateful for those who pray on our behalf. May God bless each and every one of you!

A recent anonymous comment has prompted me to provide further explanation regarding our choice to pursue in vitro fertilization. I enjoyed the candid and challenging nature of the comment; however, I found it to be a bit insensitive, especially considering all the sorrow we've experienced. It was also apparent that the writer made several incorrect assumptions. So, please allow me to expound on my personal beliefs and the process that led to our current medical treatment.

First, let me make it perfectly clear that I am a Christian, and I believe that the Bible is God's infallible word. My faith is strong--but not blind; it is supported by personal conviction and over two thousand years of evidence. I continually seek to know the character and the will of God, and I pray daily for the strength and wisdom to follow His will [For instance, last year I waited 6 months without transportation for God to make his will known to us about repairing our car]. I seek the Lord in every aspect of my life. I do not compartmentalize my faith; I live it every moment of every day.

Second, I love and cherish my family beyond words...and I believe that my adoration is quite evident in the pages of this journal. I am so very thankful for what the Lord has given me.

As parents, Wade and I know that our precious daughter is a gift from God. We have been so richly blessed, and it is our hearts desire to have many children. As mental health professionals and strong believers in Christ, we know that it is important to examine our hearts and our motives. We have spent many months doing exactly that, and we know our desire for children is pure and from above.

"May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed." Psalm 20:4
"Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

Although we long for a large family, we suffer from unexplained infertility. All of the medical tests suggest that Wade is perfectly healthy in the reproductive realm. However, I have several medical issues that prevent natural conception. Consequently, we have been unable to conceive a child without advanced reproductive technology. Because part of my problem is related to hormone levels, I also require medication to sustain pregnancy. We know the reality of the situation, and we look to the Lord for wisdom and patience regarding our fertility.

During our emotional struggle with this issue, Wade and I researched all of the options available to us (e.g., waiting for a miraculous conception, hormone treatments, intrauterine insemination (IUI), in vitro fertilization (IVF), adoption) and prayed that God would show His divine will to us. We also asked Him to put obstacles in the way of paths that stood outside of His will. For many months we waited on the Lord, and He eventually gave us a great peace regarding medical treatments...and, ultimately, the pursuit of IVF.

It seems that the aforementioned blogger comment makes the assumption that IVF is not God's will. In the course of our research, we never encountered evidence that IVF is either unethical or immoral. Controversy sometimes arises when fertilized embryos go unused. However, we fertilize every egg and transfer every embryo that God supplies. So, it is our belief that IVF is a perfectly viable treatment option...and it is the method that God chose for us.

"We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps." Proverbs 16:9

The simplest explanation I can provide is that it is because God is sovereign that we are pursuing IVF. All of truth, life and breath is created by God. He has also provided advancements through human invention and intervention. Should none of us take antibiotics when we are ill, but rather expect that enough faith, patience and endurance will heal us? Those who practice this philosophy may indeed find healing, but they are even more likely to die. Either way, God is sovereign and He gives us the will to choose.

God is ultimately in control and thus "determines our steps" by regulating our situations and the information we base our choices upon. Since we will generally choose the option that our mind finds most preferable in light of the situation, God can simply make the circumstances such that the option we find most preferable is the choice He ordained us to make. Our choice is free and truly ours since it is a result of our own reasoning and thought processes ("we can make our plans"), but God still controls it because He orders and directs the information our thought processes were based on to ensure that the choice we make is what He wills ("the Lord determines our steps"). Personal responsibility lies with the individual while fate and judgment remain in God's hands. For an elaboration on God's sovereignty, visit www.geocities.com/mattperman/sov.html

At this point, let me also clarify my view on adoption. Even though it is not what is best for our family at this time, I support and respect both internation and domestic adoption. Throughout the world, there are so many children who desire a loving family to call their own. I fervently pray for children in need, and we personally support a child in Tanzania. God willing, we may adopt a child into our family in the future.

Right now, God has given us personal assurance of our decision to proceed with IVF. He reassures us daily through His Word and by miraculously providing the means for this treatment. Further, the Lord provides encouragement through fellow members of the body of Christ. Funny as it may seem, the seemingly quarrelsome comment has led us to a deeper conviction in God directing us toward IVF. And so we will rest in God's assurance and put the outcome of this treatment in His hands.

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:7

Praise God that we are able to know God in a personal way. How wonderful that we may communicate with Him through prayer, worship and fellowship. Praise God that He reveals His will to us so uniquely through His living Word. And thank God for trials that both refine us and remind us of His unfailing grace, love and power. We humbly give God the glory for our successes (e.g., our daughter, increasing wisdom, strengthened faith, close friendships) and through our disappointments (e.g., miscarriages, financial strain, grief)...all of which display God's sovereignty and remind us of our complete dependence on Him.

"We ask God to give you complete knowledge of his will and to give you spiritual wisdom and understanding. Then the way you live will always honor and please the Lord, and your lives will produce every kind of good fruit. All the while, you will grow as you learn to know God better and better. We also pray that you will be strengthened with all his glorious power so you will have all the endurance and patience you need. May you be filled with joy, always thanking the Father. Colossians 1:8-10"

May God richly bless you and yours, Ramona

Grieving Over One Year Later

Today would have been my father's birthday. As you may have read earlier in the journal, he died in December 2005 from complications due to lung cancer. The day he died, we were packing to visit him in Texas. Unfortunately, I did not have an opportunity to say good-bye in person. And since our relationship was quite complicated, finding closure has been a difficult and ongoing process. I have been surprised how many waves of grief accompany the death of a loved one. It isn't something you can prepare for, and you never know what to expect. Such is the way of loss, I have learned.

Please pray that I will exude grace and comfort to my father's wife as I support her during this difficult day. Pray that I would put her needs before my own.

In His grip, Ramona

The Great Healer

We met with Dr. Silber this afternoon. He offered his condolences for our miscarriage and informed us that he believes the results of the embryonic genetic testing to be erroneous. In his opinion, the lab inadvertently tested my tissue instead of that of the fetus. Consequently, the testing showed normal female chromosomes when the fetus was, indeed, chromosomally abnormal (hence, the miscarriage). Although Dr. Silber had no hard evidence of this, he seemed convinced that the baby had a genetic issue that kept it from developing correctly. And, he said the lab's error was not uncommon. Scary.

As for our current situation, Dr. Silber recommended that we allow each embryo to undergo genetic testing prior to IVF. According to doc, he would use the process to identify embryos with genetic abnormalities and exclude them from being transferred during IVF. Our chances of pregnancy would naturally decrease (with fewer embryos available), but our odds of having another miscarriage would be much fewer. It may come as a surprise to some, but I felt strongly that we should not do the testing.

Here's why: 1) I believe that God is sovereign over all. That includes our IVF...and, as far as I know, He does not listen to statistics or lab results. 2) By Dr. Silber's admission, the lab makes mistakes and may accidentally omit a perfectly viable embryo from the process. 3) The testing is at least $4500, in addition to the $16K. That's no pocket change. To me, there are three compelling reasons to forgo the pre-IVF genetic testing. I'd rather put my future children in the hands of the Almighty than a room full of scientists. Can I get a witness?!

In God's hands, Ramona

Chromosome Analysis Results

We finally received the results of the fetal chromosome analysis. Our baby was a female with normal chromosomal characteristics. What does this mean? Basically, we have no idea why the miscarriage occurred. With all of the modern technology available to the medical team, no abnormalities have been discovered. The only thing we understand is that--of the hundreds of factors that must be exactly right for during conception and development-- something seems to go wrong for us almost every time.

This news is both frustrating and encouraging for me. On one hand, there is no explanation for our infertility and my chronic miscarriages. It's difficult to continue trying, knowing that we may not have any success. It's also painful to know that we lost a little girl. Knowing the gender makes the whole thing more real and personal. I think that's the hardest part for me.

On the other hand, however, I am relieved and encouraged that no abnormalities were found. At least there is nothing genetic causing our problems. Now we need to see what Drs. Silber and Pineda plan to do in order to increase our chances for success.

We meet with Silber at 1:30pm. I'll share the information from our appointment later today.

Hope you have a wonderful Wednesday! Ramona

Hello, McFly!?

I totally had a McFly moment last week and forgot to include the results of my bloodwork and ultrasound. Unbelievable!

My hormone levels (beta HCG, progesterone, follicle stimulating hormone, luteinizing hormone and estradiol) were exactly where we want them to be going into IVF. Dr. Pineda's nurses seemed excited to tell me about the results--so that's definitely a good sign. As for my ultrasound results, the sonogram showed 21 antral follicles on the right and 22 on the left. Knowing that antral follicles are an indication of the potential number of eggs that may be produced, this is incredible news!

During my previous IVF, 26 stimulated follicles yielded 11 eggs. Ultimately, only 2 viable embryos were available for transfer. For that reason, I am very interested in increasing the numbers so that more embryos may be produced. According to Dr. Silber's nurse, we may be able to enhance the process with some changes in the medication regimen and timing; however, we'll need to be careful not to overstimulate the ovaries (which can be very dangerous). It's a balancing act, but Sherman Silber is world renowned for a reason.

Tomorrow is our meeting with the great doctor. We hope to leave his office feeling more confident about investing $16K on this process (for the 2nd time). Fortunately, we know this is our only option for conceiving a child and it's ultimately in God's hands. Thank goodness for that!

Here's to many months of good news! Blessings, Ramona

Like a Good Neighbor...

Meet some of our wild and wacky neighbors! Wade and I feel so blessed to have such great friends as neighbors. It's rare that you find yourself in a community where people take care of each other and truly love one another. We couldn't imagine living anywhere else! Saturday night we celebrated Michael and Jen's nuptials. What a terrific evening--tasty morsels, refreshing beverages, creative nicknames, hilarious charades and laughter that makes your face hurt!

Here's to neighbor friends! Blessings, Ramona (a.k.a. Muffin Lamplighter)

Grandparents and Upcoming IVF

Wade's parents just left after a lovely weekend visit. We always enjoy having them here, and Liliana was especially sad to see them go. It's been wonderful for Liliana to have so much time with her grandparents (Grammy Joy, too) during the early stages of life. Even though all of her grandparents live far away, she sees them regularly enough to know them and love them! A huge thanks to Grammy and Grandfather for Liliana's new turtle sandbox. She loves playing in it!

This Wednesday is our appointment with Dr. Silber. I'm anxious to hear what changes he'll make to the medication regimen during the upcoming IVF process. I'm really hoping he has big ideas for improving my number of eggs (which potentially increases the number of viable embryos). I'm experiencing more anxiety as the target date approaches. Hopefully this meeting will put some of it to rest.

Here's to sunny days. Enjoy this beautiful weather, St. Louisans!

In My Daughter's Eyes

This song encapsulates what I see when I look at my precious daughter, Liliana. She is such a blessing in my life, and I thank God for her every single day.

In My Daughter's Eyes

Performed by Martina McBride

Written by James Slater

In my daughter's eyes, I am a hero;
I am strong and wise, and I know no fear.
But the truth is plain to see-
She was sent to rescue me;
I see who I wanna be...
In my daughter's eyes.

In my daughter's eyes, everyone is equal;
Darkness turns to light, and the world is at peace.
This miracle God gave to me
Gives me strength when I am weak;
I find reason to believe--in my daughter's eyes.

And when she wraps her hand around my finger;
Oh, it puts a smile in my heart.
Everything becomes a little clearer;
I realize what life is all about.
It's hangin' on when your heart has had enough;
It's giving more when you feel like giving up;
I've seen the light--it's in my daughter's eyes.

In my daughter's eyes, I can see the future,
A reflection of who I am and what will be;
Though she'll grow and someday leave--maybe raise a family--
When I'm gone, I hope you see how happy she made me;
For I'll be there...in my daughter's eyes.

Sacrifice

When you are going through fertility treatments, things are often more complicated than expected. There are also a great deal of sacrifices that come with the territory. Being a fertility patient means a change in lifestyle, from multiple MD visits and ultrasounds to daily blood draws, oral meds and injections. And the waiting...it's often the hardest part!

One of the most difficult adjustments (for me, at least) with advanced reproductive technologies is that there are limited opportunities for exercise. When my treatment involves injectible drugs, I have just a few days during the month to be physically active. Follicle stimulating hormones create multiple egg-producing follicles--sometimes a dozen or more. As a result, the ovaries become enlarged (often the size of grapefruits), and something as seemingly harmless as vacuuming can cause them to twist and rupture. Not a good thing. If an ovary ruptures, it is useless. Even carrying more than 20 pounds can cause problems. Hello, 36 lb. toddler!

As a person who has always exercised regularly, this has been a difficult aspect. I long to jump on the elliptical machine or go rollerblading in Forest Park. Most days I can't even take a brisk walk through the neighborhood. But here's the way I look at it: this is just a temporary phase of life during which family must come first. Yes, staying in shape is important (and much tougher with my sweet tooth and the hormonal cravings), but it will be worth it when I hold another precious child in my arms.

So, that being said, I will continue to press on! Yesterday birth control pills were added to the regimen of prenatal vitamins and Folgard (for my MTHFR enzyme deficiency). I got the bloodwork out of the way yesterday, and I have an ultrasound tomorrow (Friday) morning. I'm praying that the results of both will be normal so that we may proceed as planned. And, most importantly, I pray that the Lord will bless us with another baby.

Here's to life's sacrifices and its sweet rewards.
Bless you! Ramona

The Long Road

Over the past few years, friends have asked me exactly how infertility is defined. If you're like me, you hear the term and have a vague idea...but you don't consult WebMD or Dr. Koop until it becomes personal.

Here's what Webster says: in·fer·til·i·ty (ĭn'fər-tĭl'ĭ-tē) n. Absent or diminished fertility; the persistent inability to conceive a child. Although that's a pretty good start, the medical diagnosis is more precise. According to medical professionals, infertility is the failure of a couple to naturally conceive a pregnancy after trying to do so for at least one full year.

If you're wondering what the journey looks like, here are some numbers that may be helpful. Although everyone's road is different, our statistics look like this:

Months actively trying to conceive: 39
Natural cycles (no meds): 12
Cycles on Clomid: 12
Months on Clomid and injectibles: 2
Cycles on serious injectible medications: 6
IUI Cycles with injectible follicle stimulation meds: 4
IVF treatments: 1, going on 2
Months on post-ovulatory progesterone treatments: 29
Pregnancies: 4
Miscarriages: 3
Children at home: 1
Dollars invested in fertility treatments: A mind-blowing number.
Tears shed during infertility struggles: Countless.
Being a parent: Priceless.

Date Night

Wade and I had a date night in Wisconsin over the weekend. What a rare and special occasion! We actually have another date planned for Saturday evening, when we get together with our neighbor friends for a celebration. This may be some sort of record for us! Here's to love, laughter and dates with your sweetie. Bless you, Ramona

Wisconsin Wedding Photo

Photo from our recent trip to Wisconsin. The bride is my college pal, Greta. We really enjoyed ourselves at Lakelawn Resort, even though it was icy weather.

Funny Face

Liliana enjoys making me laugh. Here's her funny face in front of the wooden boat at the Museum of Transportation. What a nut!

Let the Fun Begin!

Our IVF target dates are almost two months away. Yet, the fun begins this week! If you want to know the "ins and outs" of IVF...stay tuned, my friend. In the coming weeks, you will get the low down on what it's really like to go through the process. No hold barred!

My cycle began today (which may be TMI, but you have to know that to understand how the whole thing works). On the third day of the cycle, Dr. Silber's patients begin birth control pills. I know it seems counter-intuitive to ingest something that inhibits pregnancy when you're yearning for a child, but that's how the doctor controls the timeline from here on out. My cycle has to be exactly on target for both the egg retrieval and embryo transfer. That's why the medical team takes control this early. More opportunity to work out any glitches, I suppose.

Starting Wednesday, I take the Desogen for 16 days (to create a "short cycle"). I will also have my blood drawn at St. Luke's to get a baseline reading on my Day 3 hormone levels. My progesterone, HCG and estrogen should be within normal ranges at this point. Friday, I will undergo an ultrasound at Dr. Pineda's office. (Normally IVF patients have the ultrasound completed at the hospital, but my insurance does cover "diagnostic" ultrasounds...so do it this way to avoid unnecessary out-of-pocket expenses. Trust me, there will be no shortage of expenses.) Both the bloodwork and the ultrasound are standard procedures before IVF.

We meet with Dr. Silber on March 14th for a consultation. I plan to ask him how this IVF process will differ from that in December. I'd also like to know how he plans to alter the medication regimen to help produce more high quality eggs. It seemed to me that we should have produced more than two viable embryos when I began with 26 antral follicles. We were hoping to have at least four embryos (two for transfer/implantation and two to freeze for a later date). I'd really like Dr. Silber to make adjustments to enhance the process now that we know how my body responds to the medication.

So that's the medical aspect. The emotional side of this is more difficult for me (and most IVF patients). We're getting ready to undergo a process that has an extremely high cost with about a 50% success rate. That's a bitter pill to swallow. But then again, you can't put a price tag on the life of a child. And we did get pregnant with our first IVF attempt, which is a fact I'll definitely hold onto during the coming weeks. Being positive and relaxed is crucial to success.

This is where you have to have faith. The wondering and worrying can drive you crazy! I read an article today, and I just have to share it. Here's an excerpt from "When Everyone's Pregnant...Except You" by Deborah Bohn on BabyZone:

Dr. Madeline Licker Feingold, PhD, a reproductive medicine psychologist and fertility counselor based in Berkeley, California says, "The level of depression and anxiety in the infertility population is the same as in cancer, heart disease, and HIV-positive patients. Infertility is much more difficult than people may think."

Let's be honest, baby showers, like weddings, can be tedious affairs—it's enough to drive an older mom nuts, so imagine how it feels to someone who's struggling to have a baby of their own. Imagine putting a starving person in a room full of food they're not allowed to eat. It's simply torturous.

I wish I had a dollar for every time someone told me about the friend of their cousin's back in Wichita who tried desperately to have a child, went on to adopt three children, then miraculously got pregnant on her own a few years later. Somehow this miracle baby myth was supposed to give me hope that it could happen for me, too. Well, it didn't give me hope. It made me angry.

And so did all the unsolicited medical advice. I was instructed by people with no medical training whatsoever to prop my legs up after intercourse or make sure my husband wore boxer shorts. But the best one by far . . . the one every childless woman hears is this, "Just relax!" Basically it's implied that we're sexually frigid and that loosening up a little will result in a positive pregnancy test.

"They'd never say something so crazy to a cancer patient!" Dr. Feingold says. She recommends either explaining to the pseudo-physician that you or your husband has a medical condition that no amount of prickly-pear juice or Pilates will cure. Or you can end the conversation on the spot with, "That's fascinating, but I'm working with doctors and considering all the options available to me."

And that's what I'm doing, folks....state-of-the-art in vitro fertilization and old fashioned prayer. I've got a world-renowned IVF specialist overseeing my medical care, and I've got the Lord overseeing my doctor and me! What more could I ask for? So my prayer today is that I will glorify God through this process, and that He will bless us with a child (or two)!

Here's to a healthy pregnancy in May! Bless you, Ramona

Wisconsin Wedding & Water Baby

Last night we returned from a weekend whirlwind in Wisconsin. We left Saturday morning and drove home Sunday afternoon, giving us less than 24 hours at Lakelawn Resort--but the moments we had together were priceless.

We were privileged to attend the wedding of my collegiate best friend and her fiance. What a treat! Wade and I enjoyed spending time with the bride and groom while a babysitter sat in the room with our sleeping daughter. We also had the opportunity to catch up with old friends, slow dance and laugh, laugh, laugh! Now that's what I call a great date!

Although the drive was long and the weather was freezing, we made the very best of the weekend. We even had a champagne brunch (my first ever) with the wedding party on Sunday morning. Fancy!

Before we left, Liliana and I took a swim together in the hotel pool. What a joy it was to hold my slippery little toddler in the water as she learned to kick and float. When we finished splashing around and got out of the pool, Liliana exclaimed, "Mom, am pruny and shibbering!" Sure enough, her little feet & hands were shriveled up and her whole body was quivering. Even her teeth were chattering. What an observant child. I always suspected she was a genius!

After that terrific experience, I've decided that I will take Liliana to an indoor pool once a week until summertime. I want her to be totally comfortable in the water when the swimming months arrive. If she's anything like my side of the family, she'll grow fins and a gill!

Here's to family memories. Ramona

God's Good Gifts

After attending a Missions Conference at our church this week, I am reminded of how very blessed we are. We get so accustomed to luxuries like hot meals, dishwashers, cars, computers and comfortable homes that we sometimes take them for granted. I am so thankful for the freedoms we enjoy in the U.S. and the good gifts we've been given by God. And I believe it is important that we show our gratitude by giving generously to those in need. Wade and I support several charity organizations, but I know I can do so much more.

Today my prayer is for guidance in giving. I pray that the Lord will place the needs of others in front of me and show me how I can make a unique and lasting contribution.

Here's to a selfless heart and countless acts of kindness!

Bless you, Ramona

Brands I Live By

When I find something wonderful, I just have to pass it along. Here are a few the trusted products and websites enhance my duties as a wife and mother:

Consumer Reports-evaluates and ranks consumer goods (from diapers to dishwashers to digital cameras). We look to CR for their input before making major purchases, and we rely on them for identifying trusted brands. CR is available by subscription and online at http://www.consumerreports.org/

Grocery Game-for significant savings on brands you already use with this helpful site. It pairs up current sales at supermarkets and drugstore with available coupons. The web address is http://www.grocerygame.com/ and you can sign up for a $1.00/week trial. To get the most savings, collect the coupon sections of the Sunday paper for at least four (preferably 10) prior to starting the trial. If you register, please use my email address as a referral: earthangelmona@aol.com (Who can't use a free week of service!)

Ergo Baby Carrier-a soft, durable, ergonomic backpack for carrying your baby or toddler. Even with my back problems, I can carry 36-pound Liliana on my back for several miles. No joke! It is comfortable for me and ergonomically designed for the growing bodies of our little ones. I have traveled hundreds of miles with Liliana happily secured in the carrier. Find it at www.ergobabycarrier.com

Magic Eraser by Mr. Clean-If you have a tough stain on any hard surface, this sponge will get it out. You have to see it to believe it--it really works! Available at most retailers.

Children's Place Socks-they are available in a variety of colors, and they're the only socks that stay on Liliana's feet. Bonus: they have grippers and the sock size on the bottoms. Worth every penny!

Boz DVDs-Boz, the big green bear will provide educational entertainment for your child while reinforcing godly principles. Liliana loves the series so much that it's her first choice when offered the opportunity to watch a video. Boz can be purchased online or in Christian bookstores.

Shout out and tell me what you love! Ramona

Attack of the Killer Zzzzz's

Sleep is no longer my friend. I used to love my slumber (and sometimes covet it, I must admit). But after so many months of nightmares and difficulty falling/staying asleep, I'm ending the friendship! I feel like I've exhausted the resources--lavender, warm showers, milk, melatonin, Tylenol nighttime, Lorazepam, a comfy specialty mattress. Maybe I should use them all at once! Kidding.

Please pray that I would sleep well. My desire is to always be a blessing to others. When I am well-rested, I am my very best self. And when I'm sleep deprived...watch out!

Here's to a good night's rest. Ramona